Bab 38: He Was The Most Beautiful, Inside and Outside
Kyoya didn't immediately speak and Shouko didn't rush him.
She rested her head against his shoulder as he silently looked at their hands that were bound together. His thumb rubbed circles at the back of her hand, his expression was still sullen even though the air around him wasn't as heavy as earlier.
"My childhood wasn't beautiful, Shouko."
His thumb paused its rubbing. Kyoya turned his head, a layer of mist moistened his eyes. He smiled yet it seemed as if he was mocking himself before he chuckled softly.
"I was an unwanted child."
The lake outside of the villa was as calm as always yet, her own heart was stirred with countless ripples at the moment his words fell.
How badly his heart was torn when his own lips uttered out such self-deprecating words?
Shouko couldn't comfort him with her words. She squeezed his hand, urging him to speak, to express himself freely in front of her.
At the very least, she wanted him to stop wearing his indifference mask when she was here with him.
Kyoya silently stared back at her face. Seeing that there was no aversion in her clear eyes, a part of his fear subsided for a bit.
"Do you know, if not for Grandpa, I might not be living well all these years?"
Kyoya brought her hand to his lips. He pressed his warm lips at the back of her hand. Then, he unfolded her hand and locked his five fingers with hers.
"Father died when I was young, it happened so sudden."
His voice was low yet calm.
He swept his gaze over the room before it settled on the view outside of the glass windows. He seemed as if he was looking into a distant, his past that still kept his heart caged by its shadows.
"Father had to deal with an important business out of the country. Because he wanted to rush back home to celebrate my birthday, he overworked himself. By the time he reached home, he collapsed. The day before my birthday, he left me forever."
Shouko's eyes widened in horror. Her body frozen stiff as she was shocked by his words yet Kyoya continued, his calm tone didn't even have the slightest change.
"I blamed myself. If, only if I didn't throw a fit before he went on his business trip, he wouldn't push himself to the limits. I said I would hate him if he won't return home for my birthday. I didn't speak to him at all, even when he called me. Little did I expect, he would return early but... I didn't even get to celebrate my birthday with him."
"Since then, Mother hated me."
Kyoya looked back at her briefly. Shouko was caught in a brief trance by how serene he appeared right now. The corners of his lips turned up for a second. He returned his gaze to the beautiful sight outside of the villa.
"Our relationship wasn't even good to begin with but, with Father's passing, it seemed like she has completely hated me. She said, because of me, Father was taken away from her. I loved Mother but never did once she holds me like how every mother does to her child."
"I got hit, starved and locked inside a dark room. I wanted to retaliate but I believed all of her words. I believed I was the cause of Father's death so I just accepted everything she threw at me."
Kyoya unconsciously straightened his shoulders when suddenly he felt his back throbbed with pain. He smiled bitterly.
"Even until now, I couldn't forget what she has done to me but, Shouko, I am hopeless because... I still hope she would love me even for a bit."
Kyoya paused. He tilted his head upward. He blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall down his face. He refused to cry.
Silence fell over the two people on the couch. Shouko didn't look away from his side profile. As much as her heart felt torn due to his story, she still bore the pain silently. She patiently waited for him to continue.
The next moment he did, his voice finally faltered.
"I fear her, every thought of her would make me tremble in fear yet... I still want her to look at me and say she is blessed to have me as her son. But, I know she won't."
"What should I do, Shouko? My fear and anger grow for her but I am foolish. I can't hate her entirely. What should I do?"
From the start, Kyoya's voice was low and calm as he began telling her his past yet he didn't even stop even when his eyes reddened completely. They were misty with tears but none of them fell from the brim of his eyes.
Only in the end, the calm in his voice wavered as he helplessly seeking for her reassurance. It was the same expression she saw whenever he was having a nightmare in his sleep.
Old Toshio did tell her about Kyoya but never did she expect her heart would feel as if it was continually breaking into tiny pieces once she had gotten the full picture of it.
Pursing her lips tight, Shouko threw herself on him as she wrapped her arms around his waist. The tears that she tried to hard to hold them back finally flowed down her face as if a dam was breaking.
Kyoya was utterly shocked by her action yet he didn't reject her. He raised his hand and gently rubbed her head. His other hand secured her waist. He smiled wearily as he felt her body trembling in his arms.
"Why did you cry? Even I myself haven't cried yet," Kyoya chuckled.
He lightly patted her back. He was trying to lighten the atmosphere by teasing her even when his aggrieved tone betrayed him.
"I did because you won't cry," Shouko shook her head, her voice was tinged with a sob. She lifted up her head, her tears hadn't stopped flowing even when she tried to. There was only sadness on her features.
"You opened up what has been shackling you yet you tried to sound as if you didn't care. Do you think I wouldn't know how painful for you to let everything out like this? Why must you be cruel to yourself?"
His hand that was patting her back stiffened as his expression freeze. The remaining peace in his mind shattered by her words. Kyoya stared at her as his smile cracked.
Without waiting for Shouko to say anything again, he leaned down and buried his head in the crook of her neck. He tightened his arms around her. The rapid beating of his heart mirroring his growing fear.
The flow of time continued to pass, eventually calming the two people who were embracing each other. Kyoya gently pulled himself back from her. He rubbed her eyes that were still reddened with tears. A soft chuckled escaped his lips as his finger traced the corners of her eyes.
"Actually, I didn't plan to tell you this early," Kyoya smoothened her hair, letting the end of her dark locks fell through his fingers. "But, what you have said to the boy's mother reminded me of what you have said to my mother before."
"Huh?" His words brought confusion to her. Shouko stared at him, her round eyes blinking a few times. "What?"
She had said something to his mother? What was it?
Kyoya smiled. This time, the sorrow was only faintly discerned in his smile as his calm slowly returning to him. He placed both of his palms over her cheeks, rubbing her soft skin as the load in his heart started to lessen.
As his back was facing the glass windows, the moonlight sprinkled on his shoulders. In her dazed state, Shouko thought he was the most beautiful person she had ever seen.
Inside and outside.
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The author has something to say:
When you've been deeply scarred, it is inevitable to feel fear when you want to reveal what has been scarring you to someone else, especially your loved ones. You would be afraid of their views on you change and at the same time, nothing could be helped if you kept mum about it.
Some matters need their own closure and if you feel like you've already reached your limit, maybe by sharing with someone you trust could help you walk away from it ~
Hadiah
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