Bab 24: Snape's Advice

Harry was in Hell.

He had thought he was being ostracized after Mrs. Norris' petrification. Now he looked back at those days with envy of how good he had it. Everyone outside his house was treating him like shit. Even walking around in groups didn't stop the hisses and comments from coming towards him. The Weasley's were the worst. The other twin would stare at him menacingly, and once or twice drew his fingers across his throat while staring at Harry. Thankfully, he didn't share any classes with him, but Ron was being enough of a prat in Potions to more than make up for his brother's absence. The little sister as well had taken to bursting into tears when she passed Harry in the hallways. It was fucking annoying.

He felt like a pariah. The Slytherins weren't mistreating him, but next to none of them were jumping at the chance to spend any time with him either. Being ferried from class to class by the teachers was bad enough, it was just made worse when the groups going in the opposite direction would almost always have some snide comment to make towards him and his group. A few times wands were drawn, but so far no one had been brave or stupid enough to actually start flinging spells around.

' It's only a matter of time' Harry thought glumly.

Even Quidditch hadn't been enough to cheer him up. Even their spectacular defeat of Hufflepuff's team hadn't made him feel better. In fact, it made him feel worse. It turned out that the girl who had been attacked along with the Weasley, Nicole Roes, had been one of the Puff's chasers. Her replacement was particularly bad. The comments that situation inspired were bad enough to make Harry throw up.

He had wanted nothing more than to get away from the castle for a while, and thus had been looking forward to Christmas break even more than he had last year.

Unfortunately, Draco received some bad news from his father. Apparently, Draco had told Harry, looking extremely put out, the whole Chamber of Secrets situation had his father being extremely busy due to his role with the board of governors, and Draco wouldn't be able to go home for Christmas. Lucius had promised to visit over the break, but it wasn't what Harry needed. What Harry needed, was to just get away from the stares and mutters and jeers. To get away from the Weasley's and their angry glares, to get away from Ernie Macmillan and the rest of the stupid Hufflepuffs. To get away from the Ravenclaws who had decided he was beyond guilty. To even get away from the strange mixture of fear and respect his own house members were giving him. He had even had to tell Draco that he wasn't the Heir! He had thought Draco at least would have slightly more sense than that, but apparently, he needed to be reminded of it.

Oddly enough, many of his year mates would be staying as well. Nott's father had told him he would be too busy, and Crabbe and Goyle simply signed up to stay without explaining their reasoning. Pansy would be staying as well, although Daphne and Astoria were heading home for the break. Tracey would be there, but she usually was.

The problem was, that Harry didn't want to be around anyone right now. He had even snapped at Daphne the other day, and that was simply after she tried to cheer him up.

' Won't be too long till my friends have abandoned me also'

Snape had given Harry an opportunity to do something that would maybe remove some of the stigma from him. He had told Harry, in strict confidence, that the monster attacking people was a Basilisk. Harry had been pretty damn terrified but had agreed to speak to the snake portraits around and try to get information from them. It had been very nearly a colossal waste of time. The snakes around were far too terrified of "the king" as they referred to the basilisk to actually help Harry and an impatiently waiting Snape at all. They had confirmed that it was a basilisk, something which seemed to horrify and please his head of house at the same time. Worst of all, no one could even know about his attempts to try track down whoever was controlling the basilisk. Snape had been very clear that telling anyone at all, could put Harry in serious danger. If the Heir knew Harry was trying to stop them, they might choose him as their next target.

As the days grew closer and closer towards Christmas, Harry's bleak mood grew. It came to a head one morning about a week and a half before the break would begin, when Harry woke up, looked at his green and silver hangings above him, and thought ' I can't do it' .

He simply stayed in bed.

He listened to the lake, loving the gentle waves against his window.

He stared upwards, mind blank except for the one thought turning over and over in his head.

' I can't do it'

He heard as his roommates' snores and sleepy grunts changed into the sounds of his room waking, and he stayed in bed, not moving a muscle.

He barely blinked.

When Draco came to get him, he just lay there.

"Harry? Come on, you know we have to go in groups" He had said with a petulant tone, eyeing his friend's state with a slight sneer.

"I'm not coming," Harry said, voice dead, empty.

"Uh, Harry? That means a group of us is gonna have to come back here" Draco stifled a yawn, "After breakfast and get you for class, and-"

"I'm not coming"

Slight concern crossed Draco's face before annoyance blotted it out.

"What do you mean, you're not coming? Why not?"

"I can't do it"

"What the hell are you talking about? Why are you just lying there like a-"

"I can't do it, Draco. I can't face them. I'm not coming"

When Draco next spoke, he sounded worried. It didn't suit him.

"Harry? Who can't you face?"

Harry turned his head slightly away. Draco still saw a single tear glistening as it rode down Harry's cheek.

"Anyone. I can't do it"

"I'm getting Snape"

After Draco left, the room was empty. Harry found it quite peaceful, really. He could just lie there. He didn't have to worry about being looked at. He didn't have to worry about hearing any voices. He just had to lie down and let his mind do nothing. Just stare at the green and silver above him, until it seemed to fill up the whole world. Until-

"Mr. Potter?"

' I should stand up' Harry realized. ' Snape's here. I can't just stay lying on my bed'

But for some reason, he couldn't gather up the energy to move his legs. He didn't even move his head, just carried on letting the green fill up his world.

He couldn't even work up the energy to be angry with Draco for tattling.

"Yes, sir" He finally said.

"I am told you feel unable to leave your bed," Snape said, sounding… cautious.

"Yes, sir"

He heard Snape sit down. ' I hope he's got a chair. I wouldn't sit on Theo's bed if you paid me. I've heard him when he thinks the rest of us are sleeping'. He stifled a hysterical giggle.

"May I ask, why you feel this way?"

Harry thought for a little bit. He didn't really want to think about anything. He didn't want to talk about his feelings. He just wanted to ignore them until they went away. He knew that he was just hiding from the reality and that he needed some actual help, but he just couldn't face it. He couldn't face talking about how everyone was watching him, afraid of him, flinching from him. How he heard the voices. How he caught glimpses of kids from the orphanage out of the corner from his eyes, and when he looked again they were gone. How-

"Harry?"

' Whoah. Total zone out there. He sounds worried'

"I can't face them. They're all watching me. They run away when I come near. They hate me. They're terrified of me. And there's nothing I can do about that because they've all decided that I'm the Heir of Slytherin and that I'm trying to kill them all"

There was silence from the other side of the room.

"Why does that bother you? The way others view you?" came Snape's reply.

"Because- Because I-" Harry stopped. His stammering reminding him of Quirrell. This whole situation was reminding of Quirrell, in fact.

"Because they treat me like a freak! They make me think I'm an outsider, and I just want to be normal!" Harry suddenly blurted.

"The students here are calling you a freak?" Snape said dangerously.

"No! But that's how they make me feel! Like every insult, I ever heard in the orphanage was true! I can't even be accepted by my own people. And it just puts me back in the same place I was! I thought I left that- that fucking place when the Malfoys said I could spend the summers with them, but I haven't! In my mind, I'm still there! I hear the same mockery in my head when these stupid children treat me like that. They don't fucking know anything, what it's like to suffer, they don't know shit about what I've been through, and all they're doing is putting me through it again! And it's worse because I thought I was free. But I'm not free, I'll never be free" By the end of this, Harry was shaking, tears streaming down his red face like a river. He hadn't known that was coming.

"Only you can set yourself free," Snape said quietly.

"How?" Harry's voice cracked on the word.

"Do you know why they treat you so badly Harry? It is because they are afraid of you-"

"I know that" Harry muttered.

"They are afraid of you" Snape continued, ignoring the interruption, "Because you are better than them. The muggles knew this, even if they did not know any specifics on how or why you were greater, but they knew it. The students here are much the same. They are jealous of your fame, heedless to the fact that you never asked for it. They see you being at the top of your classes, and they know you are more intelligent. They see your ability in charms and

transfiguration, and they know they are less. They are jealous of you, Harry"

"I don't want it. Why can't they just do their own thing? Why must I be the center of their attention?"

"You never wanted it, but you have been pushed into the center. Before you knew about the magical world, most of the students here had heard tales of you. There is nothing you can do other than accept the fact that you will be their focus"

Harry stayed silent. He moved his head, locking eyes with his Head of House as the man went on.

"You must accept this. They are afraid of you because they know you are more powerful than them. Their fear makes them stupid. They leap to conclusions which suit them, which allow them to live out the fairy tale they believe the world to be. Because, as you said, they do not know about suffering or pain. And so, they cannot conceive of the damage their stares and words cause to you".

Snape paused for a minute, eyes far away.

"They know that they will go on to live small, average lives. Achieving nothing of significance. And they see someone who has the ability to change the world if he only wishes, and like moths to a flame, they are drawn. Drawn, and afraid, because the fire is hot. And yet, they want to have some relation to the flame, but it simply is on a separate plane of existence. And so they mock you, Harry. Because they are afraid of you. Afraid of the potential they see, even subconsciously, within you."

That didn't sound quite so bad, Harry had to admit. A hell of a lot better than them being terrified of him for being a Parselmouth.

"You really think that's true?" Harry said, not wanting to sound too doubtful, but not really succeeding in that.

Snape gave him a wry look. "You think you are the only one?" He asked scornfully.

Harry opened his mouth then closed it.

' Wait, is he saying that he was like this?'

"Remember this, Harry. You are better than them. They will die after a boring life, leaving nothing of substance. You will excel at whatever you do. They are like flies, and you can happily ignore their buzzing. You are better than them"

Snape stood up, vanishing his chair.

"Take the day off. Don't leave the common room unless you are in company, but get out of bed. Moping about like a Hufflepuff will only make you feel worse. Read. Write. Practice your spells. And tomorrow, you will be able to function. I will be sending a house-elf to bring you food. If I found out you were still in bed when it comes, I will be most displeased"

"Thank you, sir" Harry whispered, wiping his face. As Snape left the room he swung his legs off of his bed.

He really did need to take a piss anyways.