Bab 20: No amount of guilt can change the past.
After an hour of Feeling worrisome, Colin decided to go and see if Gertrude has successed in weeding out Fabian from his room.
He found her standing outside Fabian's new room, looking helpless.
As he unintentionally crept up behind her, "Still trapped inside?" He asked.
Startled, "Oh! BLOODY HELL YOUNG MAN!" She shouted surprising Colin.
When she realized she just swore, Gertrude felt embarrassed and apologized, "Forgive me, you have startled me."
"No forgive me...It is entirely my fault." Colin replied.
Sighing, Gertrude turned to look at the door again, "Young master is still in there...god only knows what he's doing...Although I hope it's nothing serious."
"Hmm, you think he is awake?" Colin asked.
"Well, My late lady told me he's an early bird, young master apparently was never the type to sleep past breakfast time...and yesterday when I came to wake him for the burial, he was already awake...very awake actually." Gertrude replied blushing at the memory.
Catching the hint, "Oh...I see what you mean, I suppose as an unmarried woman, a sight of that sort can be quite surprising." Colin said.
Gertrude turned to look at him with a deep frown, "Mister Bridgerton, your next book should be on how to offend Women!" She stated, "You know what! This unmarried woman is going to carry on the rest of her duties, feel free to shake your own friend from his bed! Humph!" She added before angrily stomping away.
Baffled again, "What is wrong with this woman?! How am I offending her repeatedly?!" Colin questioned as he was now alone standing behind Fabian's closed bedroom door.
Sighing deeply, he turned to knock few times.
"Fabian, Fabian! This is me, Colin!" He said.
...Meanwhile...
"Ugh" Fabian grunted again, he layed shirtless on his bed, his face bearing the signs of lack of sleep.
"I am a dishonorable man..." He mumbled, "She was being so kind and caring and even listened to me without judgment, and I have been dreaming about getting between her legs."
As the knocking continued, he grunted again.
"Ugh...I cannot keep on sulking all day...Colin must be worried sick about me." He said rising lazily from his bed.
Fabian slowly wore his shirt and went to open the door.
"Fai! I was worried something might have happened to you! Miss Gertrude tried several times before to wake you, you skipped two meals already!" Colin began lecturing him as soon as the door was open.
But Fabian only looked at him with a 'I-am-done-for' face.
Colin became worried again, "Is everything alright Fai?"
"No..." Fabian replied.
"Do you wish to talk about it?"
"I do not know..."
"Do you not trust me as well?" Colin asked, "If I tell you...you promise no one alive, hears of it, not even and especially your wife." Fabian replied.
Surprised, "That was a little rude...but considering everything I will turn a blind eye to it...so yes, I promise, no one hears from me." Colin said.
"Good, come on in." Fabian invited him into the room, as soon as Colin stepped inside, he closed the door again.
"So what is weighting so heavily on your shoulders? Also did you even sleep last night, you look...not so great." Colin said.
"I did not sleep much, well i did at first but then I started having the same problem for the second night in a row, only this time, it kept me up last night." Fabian replied.
"A problem? What problem?" Colin asked.
"My problem has a name, and it is Safa." Fabian replied earning an astonished look from Colin.
"Safa? As in lady Vega?"
"Do we know another Safa? I did not know that her name was so common!"
"Alright, tone down the sarcasm."
"Col...I am sorry...it is just that I...well..." Fabian hesitated.
"You are what? Starting to like her?" Colin said with a knowing smile, "If you consider that for the past two nights, I had two dreams about her...I suppose yes!" Fabian replied angrily.
"You have been dreaming about her, from the first day you met her?! What kind of dreams?!" Colin asked.
Amazed, "Are you serious?! What sort of dream do you think it was?! I was planting in her garden!" Fabian replied.
With big wide eyes, "Already...wow!" Colin said.
Sighing, "I am so sorry, I Know I am being awfully rude to you and everyone else every since I arrived." Fabian replied.
"I understand, you are processing a lot of emotions all at once, it can confuse even the best of us." Colin said.
"Well I am definitely confused, I mean it is one thing to take a liking to someone after meeting them for the first time, but to lust after them after having one meeting...I never been in a situation like this before!
I mean...if it was not for the fact that yesterday was a busy and sad day, I would have found it difficult to focus on anything else but Safa...I almost could not believe that woman made it to my dreams! Even poor Gertie had to witness my stick almost popping out my trousers.
And last night I woke up just an hour or so later after having another indecent dream, and I kid you not...I was so ashamed of myself I could not sleep again, I have been laying like a tree log on my bed wide awake Until you and Gertie started knocking on my door." Fabian explained.
"This is a serious problem...I cannot explain it in any other way other than you seem to be developing feelings for the girl rather quickly.
So, what do you plan on doing?" Colin asked.
"Doing what?" Fabian asked back.
"Do you plan on trying your luck with her? Courting her? See if your feelings are genuine..." Colin said.
"No!"
"No?"
"Colin do not be ridiculous, she does not want a husband, and I already told her I do not plan to marry her.
We agreed to be friends, our relationship is already defined, I cannot go back on my word." Fabian replied.
"Are you joking?! Fabian she could be the one! And you plan to give up right away?!" Colin was in disbelief.
"Yes! First of all I barely know the woman to know she is the one, and second She is not a lady of the Ton!" Fabian replied.
"Miss Gertrude said she knows about the Will and confirmed what I already suspected, your future wife does not have to be from the Ton!" Colin said.
Surprised, Fabian paused for a second before he said, "Well, it does not matter anyhow! Safa still needs to match my preferences! I want a woman who either would travel with me or allow me to travel with no issues, And Safa is not that kind of woman!
She is deeply wounded after losing her family at sea and swore she would never set foot on a ship...If we were to form an attachment which we would not but if we do...she would bound me to her side, I know she would not let me go nor join me on my travels and I do not plan on sticking here much longer...I want to be out on a journey again soon!" Fabian replied.
Defeated, "Do you really want to travel above all else?" Colin asked, "Do you honestly no want to settle down?! Fabian pardon my words but for how long do you plan on running away from the truth?!"
"What truth?!" Fabian asked confused.
"That you regret not being here when your aunt was dying! You are trying to run from your guilt...
You Are alone now Fai, with your aunt gone as well, you have no one of your own, I am your friend but I can never fill in the void that a lost family leaves behind, only a family of your own would." Colin said.
His words like a sharp knife, pierced through Fabian's heart, "I am not running from anything..." He mumbled as his eyes glistened.
"Do not lie to me, your eyes would not be filling up with tears right now if what I said did not strike a cord!" Colin replied.
"No...stop, I do not wish to talk about this anymore."
"No, you are not avoiding this conversation, I promised to help you, I want only what is best for you."
"If you really want what is best for me, you would leave me alone right now."
"So you could do what Fai?! Lay on your bed and think of Safa again Until next morning!"
"Colin please...stop!"
"No, I will not!" Colin said, "GODDAMN YOU! JUST STOP!" Fabian shouted.
"Do not shout at me!" Colin replied angrily.
"JUST STOP!"
"Fabian!"
"YOU ARE BLOODY RIGHT! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!" Fabian shouted again before he bursted into tears, he threw himself on the ground, sitting as he said, "There is a void in my heart...one that grew bigger with every family death...I just lost my goddamn aunt, she was nothing but good to me...and I was a horrible nephew!"
"Fabian...I am sorry, I did not mean to..."
"No, you did not mean it but you still bloody said it! You have no problem reminding me that my family is gone, but you cannot even allow me to mourn peacefully, you and that bloody lawyer!
You have been on and on about finding me a wife, it has been three day, THREE BLOODY DAYS! Hearing the same shit!" Fabian said.
His tears has soaked his face by now, Colin was rigged with guilt, "Fabian...I did not realize...I...well, I do not know what to say..."
"Please...Say nothing... just leave me be." Fabian said before laying on the room's cold floor.
"At least let me help you to your bed!" Colin said, "Please...leave me... just go..."
Defeated once again, "I am sorry Fabian, I shall leave you be for today..." Colin replied before he made a hasty escape.
Still laying on the floor, Fabian cradled himself, "Forgive me Colin...I am a sorry excuse of a friend." He mumbled to himself.
...Meanwhile...
Safa watched the many reactions Clara had as she read the book in her hand, "Wow! This is amazing! Whomever this person was, he had such luck to see an actual Sultan with his own eyes!" Clara said before closed the book in her hands.
"There is still more to read, why did you stop?" Safa asked.
"I don't want to read everything today!"
"Do You wish to take the book with you then?"
With a glimmer of hope in her eyes, "I can take it with me?!" Clara said.
Giggling, "Sure... just take good care of it, that book is quite dear to me." Safa replied.
"By the way, how did you get it? Did you know the author?" Clara asked, "Bernie Dino is the Nickname of my late older brother...his name was 'Bernardino'." Safa replied.
Shocked, Clara gasped, "What?! Why didn't you tell me before?!"
"Because it would have ruined your first reaction to his memoir!...my brother and his wife died during a travel by ship alongside my father." Safa replied.
"I'm so sorry... that's why you said you hate the sea."
"Yes...I used to call him Bernie Dino as a child, he would call me by my third name 'Catalina'." Safa replied with a sad expression.
Suddenly, "I promise, I'll protect this book with my life! I'll return it as good as new!" Clara said with determination, it made Safa chuckle.
"If only you were old enough and had met my brother when he was alive, you would have made a lovable sister-in-law, Clara." Safa said endearingly.
Clara blushed at her words, "Was he... handsome?" She asked shyly.
Laughing, "Haha! Damn right he was! Would you like to see his portrait?" Safa asked.
PERTIMBANGAN PENCIPTA 
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QW_JiHi Fun fact: People suffering from insomnia are about twice as likely to resort to using alcohol to sleep, compared with those without insomnia. Insomnia if not treated in the right way can increase alcohol abuse, thus giving rise to other liver and lung diseases.
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