Bab 29: Chapter 28
Kiara pov
Optimism is what leads us to make decisions we regret later. We get lost in those good times that might be and forget that that fantasy is just that. Fantasy. We trust in people too much we forget that anyone is just as good as when there is a gain that comes with their actions.
I can no longer hear my voice. I have been crying and yelling at Carl since he got here and that was hours ago. I am not sure why he is still around. Maybe he thinks after all the yelling I will simply see his point of view and fuck him, which I might because, who says I'm not as dumb as everyone else if not dumber?
The problem is that I knew all along. He fed me the truth but I still believed the optimism running in my head. The maybes, look where that got me.
"I cannot choose Kiara. We've been together so long, I can't just throw that shit away." I've heard this before, a little too many times.
"What happens now?" If I can't have him to myself, he better be talking about where he is at. I know that's not what I should be asking. I know I should be asking him to leave. I should have done it an hour ago but I haven't yet, because that is not what I want. I want to keep feeling his breath on me. I want between my question and his answer, somehow he might change his mind and stay.
"I do not want to stop seeing you." I should not triumph over that but I do. At least he still wants me close.
He comes dangerously close and brushes my lower lip with his thumb. I lean in to his touch. At this moment, I need it more than I need my own breath. Sometimes I think I'm just a sucker for pain.
Not this time though.
I still kiss him. I still let him caress my skin, I let him breathe through it and plant soft kisses on my neck. I still let him drop my tank top straps down my shoulders. I still feel his arms lift me up to his chest and squeeze my a** as I moan into his mouth. I still let him carry me over to the kitchen counter and sit me on it before his hands move down to find my folds. I still feel his breath hitch when he realizes how ready I am for him. How my body still co-operates to his touch. I want to stop. My head begs me to stop and maybe in the middle of my moans I might have mouthed a stop which he probably does not catch, maybe he does, he just knows that I don't mean it. His arms struggle to please me and I throw my head back in pleasure. If he did not catch me I am sure I'd hit it on some surface that I'm not thinking of right now. He lets go and seeks my eyes of something I am not sure of, but I stop focusing as soon as he fills me. Letting out a loud moan as he does the same and drops his chest to touch mine and I lose every last of my nerve. I still feel the same, does that mean nothing has changed for us? Maybe?
Yet we get to ask why we get hurt. This is why we hurt. Why we end up mean and detesting men. Our own desires and hope.
"that's what we are now, we just f** and you leave?" he stops buttoning his pants to look at me.
"I don't know what you want me to say Kiara. I have to go to class." His eyes do not even flinch for a second. Why am I settling for this?
"Ok." I slide down the counter and make my way to the living room.
"I will come by when I get the time though. Maybe in the a…" He begins to say but I am not having it right now.
"Don't. Don't make promises you cannot keep Carl." I open the door for him and what do I see in his eyes? Is that pity?
"I'm sorry." He says, hesitant to leave.
"Just leave. Have a good day." I should be getting ready for a class I am already late for anyway.
"The American dream…" I am not listening to this class. I want to, I am the top student but not today I am not. Why am I just ruining my life like this? And for what really? Love? I scoff and everyone looks back. I didn't realize I said that out loud.
They do not stop staring. Say something Kiara, he will kick you out and we don't want that now do we? Not for a guy who should not matter.
"Im sorry I said that out loud." They don't stop staring.
"Come with me miss Greene." Mr Conlard stares down at the rest of the class with his glasses dangling just above his nose. "the rest of you, I will need that essay by the end of this business week." With that he walks out with his small brown bag on the side of his hands and I hesitate.
"Are you okay?" Berlin walks me to the door when I struggle to pick my laptop before Mr Conrald disappears.
"Twas just a reaction, maybe I just did not agree with that American dream or whatever it was." I say and struggle to straighten my skirt suit. He is walking fast for a man his age.
"American dream? That was the beginning of the lesson and he asked about your original picture of slavery and how it has impacted the USA." Berlin now looks at me with concern.
"Wait, you didn't hear me scoff?" I stand for a second. I can't believe he asked me something and I stared down and apologized for the wrong thing.
"Scoff?" Berlin is confused and this confirms it. They were staring because he asked a question.
"Why would he ask me about slavery. There were hundreds of students that could answer that." I begin to hurry to catch up with the teacher.
"He asked that question like thirty minutes ago before he gave the essay. He picked random people for it." Berlin remains calm.
"shit." Berlin heads for the hostels as I get on toes with Mr Conrald.
" Miss Greene,"
"I know, im sorry sir, I will do better. Please give me another chance." I cut him short before this has an effect on my final grades.
"You realize that this is your final year before you can go to law school?" He does not seem agitated, just concerned. F…ckn Carl! Yes! I will blame him from now on. Everything including stale food! "Get your head in the game Miss Greene. You have come so far to loose it at this point." With that, he walks away.
I promise myself to find Berlin later, right after I go over to Carl's place and give him a piece of my mind before dumping his a**. That came out confident in my brain until I drive half way and turn to head home, lay on my bed and cry..
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