Bab 16: I blame me
Ginny went on to tell him how she had written in the diary, then started forgetting what she had done at times when horrible things had happened.
"Does that sound familiar?" she asked.
James just nodded, still stunned. How had he never heard any of this before?
Ginny continued, explaining how she could barely remember her first year at Hogwarts, how she had tried to break free once she realised what happened, but it was too late, and how she then had a few horrible moments down in the Chamber itself where she was lucid before everything went black.
"That was when I realised that everything I had feared had been true. This was all my fault. And now I was going to die, and Voldemort would come back. But then, of course, I woke up again, and to my complete embarrassment, it was Harry standing there, having killed the Basilisk, now dying because he had come to save me. Already then, I loved him, though it was a different love then than it is now of course. Anyway, I went from thinking I would die, to thinking Harry would die and I would be expelled. Which was almost as bad, for 11-year-old me."
"But that didn't happen?"
"No. Fawkes the phoenix saved Harry and got us out of the Chamber. Dumbledore, as usual, already knew enough that when Harry told his side of the story, he understood what had happened. He didn't even give me detention. But the worst part was when the others in the school found out what had happened. There was a huge feast that lasted all night, all the Petrified victims were restored, yet I wasn't part of any of it. I was still confused, heartbroken and afraid. My parents were with me in the hospital wing. They had come because they thought I had died. I had left a message saying so. They were of course happy that I survived. I was too. But I was still horrified by what had happened. Dumbledore's brief assurances that I was not the first person to be fooled by Voldemort wasn't really helpful. Because I still felt horrible. And I didn't feel like I could talk about this with anyone. I didn't want my parents to be disappointed in me. I was definitely not going to talk to Harry about this. I wasn't able to say a word in front of him even before all this, and now he had saved my life, almost dying in the process. Percy is not the kind of brother that you confide feelings to. Nor were Fred or George, though they at least tried to cheer me up. Ron was, well, Ron."
James managed a smile, though he was amazed by this story. How had he never known this?
"I kept up a front. I've heard people later saying they were surprised at how quickly I recovered from the ordeal, but that was not true. I was lucky that the summer holidays weren't far off, and I could use that summer to get myself together. It was also the year we won the lottery and went to Egypt, that gave me something else to focus on. My mother also had several long conversations with me, that helped a lot. But still, in my second year I was mostly silent, trying to not make a big deal out of what had happened last year. Having Dementors around didn't help, but at least it made everyone depressed, not just me. That year, I saw that many who previously had been close to me kept their distance. Luckily, my part in all of it wasn't heavily showcased, so while everyone knew that I had been taken down to the Chamber, not everyone caught the part of it all being my fault. Yet, I still felt insecure. What if I still had that taint in me? I knew Harry had said the diary was destroyed, but was Riddle still inside me? Could he still make me do things, like he had last year? It took many months for that fear to go away, I don't know if it ever really did, until the Battle of Hogwarts." Ginny finally looked up, tears showing in her eyes. James, barely able to comprehend what his always strong and impregnable mother was saying, just looked back at her in shock.
"So, yes, I do understand a little how you feel. It is not the exact same situation of course, since my mind issues were completely gone, but I know how it feels to feel tainted. So does your father, to some extent, though I can understand if you don't want to talk to him about this. But remember, please, none of us blame you at all for what happened. You are not a burden."
"I blame me for what happened." James blurted out. He had tried hard not to say this, but he felt that his mother might understand after all. "I was the one being stupid, not doing what you said. I deliberately went out hunting for the Death Eaters and got myself captured. None of this would have happened if I had just listened to you and gone to the Burrow with everyone else."
"That might be true. Then there might have been someone else on that statue. Maybe Rose would have been submitted to it instead, or Dean Thomas, or some other random victim. The point is that one bad judgement doesn't mean everything that followed was your fault. I could make a similar case saying it is my fault this happened to you. I didn't force you to come with us. I didn't even double-check your story, seeing which friends you were allegedly supposed to stay with. No, I was too busy warning everyone else. Does that mean it was my fault?"
"What? No, of course not!"
"And I will say the same for you. Yes, you shouldn't have gone out unprepared like you did, but that doesn't mean you deserved what happened next. I shouldn't have kept that diary a secret and written so much in it. Does that mean that I deserved to be possessed by Voldemort? Albus, Rose and Scorpius sneaked out of Hogwarts. Does that mean that they deserved what happened to them?"
"No. But Albus managed to do something good from his ordeal. He became the hero and got us all out of there."
"So, this is merely a case of jealousy?"
"Not really. I am happy that Albus managed to do what he did. And I know I owe my life and probably my sanity to him. And to Scorpius. But it also reminds me that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Even before all this, I really didn't know."
"There isn't necessarily anything wrong with that. As I said, if it hadn't been for Quidditch, I'm not sure I would know what to do either. We can't all be like Harry, who was destined to fight the Dark Arts since he was a baby, or Hermione who is always best at everything. Sometimes we just do what we can with what we have.
If you want, you could start coming to work with me. There are always little things that need to be done at a newspaper, not all of us are travelling journalists. Or maybe ask Ron about working in the shop."
James looked up at this. He hadn't thought about that. He had certainly got a lot to think about. And more information about his family that he really felt he should have known. How come he had never heard about this before? Oh, right. He never cared much about recent history, as his father was so prominent in it. He didn't like it any more than Albus did when his father was brought up, he was just better at hiding his annoyance about it. So, of course he had never read any of the many books about it or talked about it at length with anyone.
"Are you feeling any better?" Ginny asked. Right. She was still here. He tried to give her a smile but didn't quite succeed. He did feel a little better. He had at least got a lot to think about, and it was not all about his failings for once.
"A little. Thank you for telling me about this. I don't know how I didn't know about this before. Who else knows?"
"Most of my siblings, obviously, and my parents. And Harry and Hermione. Probably Draco. I don't know if Scorpius knows, but I don't think any of our children actually knows, since no one really likes to talk about it. Please don't spread this outside of our immediate family. I don't see the point of giving anyone more negative things to say about us."
James nodded. He was well acquainted with reporters or others trying to dig up dirt about their family. It was one of the worst things about being famous. It was also one of the things he dreaded about his own condition. What if he did something terrible in public when he had one of his periods? And even though this incident was 30 years ago by this point, someone would definitely use it against them, if it was dragged up again.
Ginny eventually left to go down to the celebrations again, and James fell asleep, his head full of conflicting feelings.
***
For some time, James seemed to feel better. He started going to work with his mother and did well. Albus and Rose could finally start working as Aurors properly. Harry saw that they worked best when they were together, so he often sent them on missions as a pair, or with Scorpius. All three of them quickly gained a reputation as good workers, dependable and capable.
James also occasionally worked alongside Scorpius, planting information. After one fateful incident where he let something slip by accident, James realised he could use that to his advantage and plant hints about people the Ministry was after. Scorpius was pleased, because this made his job easier, and it seemed to give James a purpose. He had fewer episodes, resulting in fewer trips to Knockturn Alley to pick him up.
Albus thrived. He had never before felt so content with life. Sure, his job was dangerous, but it was a job that made him feel like he made a difference. And he didn't feel like his father treated him any differently than any of his other people.
He did, however, notice that Dawson seemed to be colder towards Rose and him than he had been before. But he didn't think much about it. After all, Dawson had been their trainer, now he was not. He had no real reason to continue being friendly towards him.
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