Bab 38: -Made enough mistakes-
---
I still visit Jorgio. He's gotten easier to talk to once I laid down a few ground rules for my advice. I'm not working for him. I'm not affiliated with him. I'm just going to give him pointers. I deflected his every attempt to recruit me. Never gonna happen kid.
Speaking of things that should never happen…
---
I know it was a bad idea. I know I shouldn't have done it. I went back to Jheselbraum's temple. I'm not dumb though, I didn't go as myself. I went as 'myself'. Miz's short little form dashed quickly around the temple and hid behind a pillar. I was like a ninja! I peeked out to look at Jessie.
As someone who knows a bit of how my powers work, Jessie makes it a point to not have any triangles with eyes in her dimension. It means that I'll have to ACTUALLY come here in person if I wanted to check up on her. I liked seeing how she was doing.
As much as I was upset at how she forcibly broke off our contact with each other, I still felt like she was my responsibility. I DID choose her after all. I have to make sure she's doing her duty as Ax's High Priestess correctly. Also, I had to make sure the Curse I placed around her dimension was still in effect.
I say Curse but it's just a simple scanner that checks and redirects anyone with ill intents. Dimension 52 is a place of peace. If anyone with malevolent intentions tries to enter this dimension (like the many assassins I was forced to destroy back when Jessie first came into power) my Curse would make it so they literally cannot enter the dimension. They would either be bounced back to where they came from or be disintegrated along my Curse's edge of effect depending on the severity of their malevolence.
After all, even if I'm mad at Jessie, there were many innocent people who come here seeking shelter and safety and I won't let my own feelings stop me from keeping them safe.
Making up excuses to myself, I crept around and followed her as she went about her day. No I'm not stalking her. I'm just checking up on her because I was worried that the devastating truth would make her neglect her duties. So far it seems she's fine. She's going about her day as per usual.
I watched her heal any injured who came into her dimension. I watched her greet any visitors who sought out her wisdom. I watched her take in some refugees and just give them a place where they can live until they find a true home and life for themselves.
I smiled to myself. She seemed to be doing well. I duck behind the pillar and do a quick mental check on my Curse. It was still going strong. An invisible and undetectable barrier surrounding the entire dimension.
Curses were interesting. They were kinda like lines of programming that take in some sort of input and output an effect. I simply 'program' the effect parameters and my powers will put them into effect even when I'm not physically there to consciously create the effect. Curses were me reaching into the Source Code of reality and re-writing it.
Example, Xanthar's curse made it so that...
If: Someone calls Xanthar by some term that upsets him within hearing distance...
Then: Their mouth will be stitched up.
-If: Parameter [Mouth] is not present...
--Then: Stitch up some other orifice or body part.
At any time I can go in to 'edit' the specifics of a Curse. They were incredibly useful for allowing continuous long term effects that weren't constantly active. That Multimur girl I Cursed lived out her life happily with the boy she liked (though she was stuck as a male because of his preferences) and she would just transform into whatever he currently wanted in a partner. It did keep things interesting in the bedroom for them.
Not that I was watching.
Or taking notes.
Or keeping the memory of it saved in a Madness Bubble for entertainment.
Definitely not.
"And who might you be?"
I jumped. "I TOTALLY WASN'T THINKING ABOUT MULTIMUR PORN!" I squeaked.
Jheselbraum stood before me with a gobsmacked look on her face. "Excuse me, what?!" It took her a few seconds to school her expression back into calm serenity. Sadly I couldn't say the same as I blushed bright red and hid my face in my hands with a groan.
Shiiiiiit~
"Um...just...nothing! It was nothing!" I manage to stammer out. Jheselbraum in her mercy accepted my words and pretended as if she heard nothing. "Ah, who might you be child?" She asks instead.
"U-um...I'm Miz..." I mumble, still averting my eyes in embarrassment.
"What are you doing here child?" Jheselbraum asks serenely. I can't help but be impressed by how much her poker face has improved over the centuries. She wasn't even blushing.
"Erm..." Quick, make up an excuse! "I'm an...artist and I came here to get away from...the fast pace of modern society so I can devote my time to my work..." Bullshit hard Jan! Bullshit like you've never bullshit before!
"Your...art..." Jheselbraum says in a strained voice. I quickly catch on to what she was thinking of and immediately shake my head in the negative.
"It's NOT porn I SWEAR!" I plead at her with wide eyes.
She stares at me and I laugh nervously. "An artist you say? May I see your work?" She asks as she folds her arms and looks for all the world like a school teacher who caught me sleeping in her class.
"Um...I didn't bring my stuff with me..." I start to say and I wince as suspicion enters her eyes "-but if you give me some paper I can draw something!"
"And will this drawing be of an...explicit nature?" She asks.
"No! Definitely not!" I say hurriedly.
She is still watching me suspiciously as she gestures for me to follow her. I trudge along sheepishly. She gives me some paper and a pen while I wilt nervously under her 7 eyed gaze. I pick up the pen and draw the first thing that comes to mind.
It WASN'T porn.
Even after so many years I reflexively drew out an OC from the comic I drew a whole lifetime ago. A comic I always wanted to publish but just never found the time to finish it properly to do so.
"H-here..." I mumble as I give her the paper. Her eyes go wide as she looks at it. "Oh. It's lovely."
As she smiles at me gently I shuffled my feet bashfully. "Yeah, well It's just a quick doodle...I can do better if I have more time..."
"It's quite adorable nonetheless. So Miz, you came here so you could draw without interruption?"
"Well I heard that you take care of people and well...I wanted to be able to draw without having to worry about working to earn money for rent and food."
"So you wish to live here because of the free accommodations?" Jheselbraum raised an eyebrow at me and I ducked my head. "Sorry, it...sounds pretty selfish of me, now that I say it out loud."
"Shouldn't your parents be caring for your living quarters and food?"
"I...don't have parents."
"Oh you poor child..." I stiffen in shock as she embraces me in a gentle hug. "It is alright. You may stay as long as you wish." She says softly. I could feel her compassion. It wasn't faked. She really wanted me to stay. I'm reminded once again of why I still loved Jessie. For all her forced elegance and nobility, she truly had a kind heart.
"Thank you..." I mumble as I relax into her arms. They felt so warm. Why couldn't she be this nice to me when I'm Bill?
---
Ok, I admit I might have fucked up.
I got a small room in the temple. Most people who come here seeking shelter got rooms in the temple. The place was large enough to house several million people. It was constantly being expanded after all. The places were built with Dimension 52's natural landscape in mind, often times the hallways and rooms had open roofs as the building was built around the trees and flower fields.
The weather here was quite mild. The worst it ever got were sun showers, the rain feeling refreshing instead of dreary. The whole dimension was lush, the crops grew quickly and easily. More than enough food to feed everyone.
I couldn't leave. Just up and leaving right after I got her permission to stay was both incredibly rude and suspicious. I was also expected to work on my 'art' like I said I had come here for. I sat in my room and sighed at how I got myself into this situation.
Luckily I could split myself in two and send 'Bill' home to my friends so they won't worry about me being gone. Being in two places at once for long amounts of time was...actually not too bad. Sure it led to one half of me spacing out for periods of time but considering I already do that on a day to day basis, no one back home noticed a difference.
Either way. I couldn't leave the temple until I finished a comic. It would just make me feel bad if I did. Especially when Jheselbraum gave me a pretty nice room. It was simple, like all the rooms here, but I had a small desk and chair with plenty of paper, pens, and a small desk lamp-fly for whenever I wanted to work at night.
It was really nice of her to give me all this stuff. It would be nice to work on my comic again. Maybe this time, in this life, I could actually finish something for publication? It was a nice thought. Half of me here to work on just drawing and story writing. The other half of me having fun with my friends. My multitasking skills were good. I can definitely do this.
I sat at my desk and stared at the blank sheet of paper.
What the fuck do I do now?
---
No.
A page is tossed onto the floor.
No.
Another page scrapped.
No.
I scribble over what I just wrote and sighed. I don't know what to do. I had millions of ideas and no idea which one to use. I glance down at a few pages of work.
Ugh. This was the problem I had before as well. I couldn't stick with a single plot. I had so many ideas and even if I picked one I liked, I would just get bored of it and want to switch stories. Maybe I really should just make an anthology of multiple short stories.
I left my room to get some fresh air. Maybe I just need to clear my head. There's the meditation pools I guess. It would allow me to focus on being Bill for a bit. I settle down next to a few shrine maidens, who coo'ed at me, and closed my eyes.
I was tidying the living room absently. Teeth challenged Pyronica to a pillow fight earlier. Kryptos was dragged in, to his dismay, and Ammy learned he could fire items out of his storage blocks. They don't go very fast, nowhere near enough to hurt anyone but they made for great pillow launchers. Kryptos hid under Xanthar to try and hide from the war zone our living room had become. It was a brutal fight.
It ended when Teeth broke the TV. I stuck him to the ceiling as punishment. Pyronica was sitting in the time out corner, pouting. Ammy was forced to help me clean up, I need to teach him discipline properly. Xanthar and Kryptos, being the good boys they were, got strawberry pudding.
I can see Kryptos smugly eating his pudding in front of where Teeth was hanging. "Mm~it's sooo yummy~" he says cheerfully. Teeth whines. "Dammit Kryptos! Quit being such a cavity!"
"Heh heh~" Kryptos taunted him. I flick his top edge as I float pass. "Don't be a jerk. Teeth's already being punished."
Pyronica whines from her corner. "How long do I have to sit here? I'm hungry~"
"Well I woooould~be making lunch right now if I wasn't cleaning this mess~"
"Dammit Bill we all know you can just wave your hand and fix this!" She fumes, the fire along her arms and legs flaring up in annoyance.
"Oh no~I think my powers are vanishing~" I cry as I lower myself to the ground and start walking really slowly towards the next pillow on the ground. "So weak~why it might even take me HOURS to finish my work! Oh woe is me~"
Kryptos fell over laughing as Pyronica shrieks angrily. "Bill you absolute piece of sediment!!!" Teeth couldn't help a few guffaws even as he moaned dizzily from the blood pooling at the top of his mouth.
"Isn't Bill losing his powers a bad thing? Why are you laughing?" Ammy asks. I poke Kryptos as I walk past him. "Kryptos, you're in charge of explaining sarcasm to him."
"What? Why me?"
"Because I'm busy and I can't trust Teeth or Ronica to do so."
As the compass tried ineffectually to explain things to the ever more confused Amorphous Shape, I hear one of the shrine maidens calling me.
"Wha?" I opened my eyes and see one of the maidens (Tina) standing before me. "Little Miz, it is time for afternoon meal. Are you coming?"
"Oh yeah, sorry I just got really into my focus." I get up and wobble a little. Damn legs were half asleep. That's what I get for kneeling. Tina giggles. "I know what you mean. I once meditated right past the evening meal. My sisters found me the next morning, turns out I fell asleep."
We laugh together as we walk to the dining hall.
"Hey Bill, are you gonna fix the TV? DemonBaby Fights is gonna be on soon." Teeth asks.
I put another pillow back in its place and roll my eye at him. "Well since you broke the TV, I think missing your show will be a good punishment. Think of it as...karma."
I enter the dining hall and move to grab a plate. I hope they have sliced guavocado today. I was really craving some. Tina moves up next to me. "What was your meditation about Miz? It must have been quite engaging."
"I was trying to figure out what to make my comic about."
"But it's a really good show! Please Bill? I'm really, really sorry! I won't do it again?"
"Are you having trouble coming up with a story?"
"No, it's the opposite. I have too many ideas. I want to do them all but that's not going to work."
"Well Teeth, if I DO fix the TV you'll have to give me something better than just a silly promise."
"Why wouldn't it work Miz?" Tina tilts her head in mild concern.
"The way you say that makes me worry." Teeth sighs.
"Because then it'll be different stories being told at the same time-"
"Don't worry your pretty pearly whites about it. I'm not going to ask for a Deal or anything."
"-and that could get confusing for my readers."
"All I need is some help fixing all the couches and pillows."
"I can see why that might be a problem. Can you not simply make separate stories?"
"But what if the stories are different but happening at the same time?"
I scoop up some minced meat and this dimension's version of rice. I placed another couch cushion back in place. Tina is pondering my dilemma. Teeth is trying very hard to nod.
"I can help clean! Just please, please fix the TV."
"I'll hold you to that." I flick my fingers and Teeth yelps as he falls from the ceiling, I catch him on a few floating pillows and lower him to the ground. "Start tidying."
"No fair, can I get out of time out yet?" Pyronica asks.
"Then can you not simply draw them happening side by side?"
"Well, I COULD let you out...if you do clean up for lunch today..."
I opened my mouth to tell her that doing the stories side by side was ridiculous. No one can follow such a narrative. Thought about it. Closed my mouth and went "Actually that's not a half bad idea...thanks Tina."
Pyronica groans. "Fine~what IS lunch today anyway?" Tina smiles brightly, glad that she could help me out. Most of Jessie's shrine maidens are nice people. She raised them well.
"I'm making sushi sandwiches." I say as I turn my attention to fixing the TV. I sit down with my food and start eating. Mm ~meat~ The TV didn't take long to fix so I could go start on lunch while Pyronica wondered what the hell a sushi sandwich was.
Tina asked me what the different story ideas I had were and I explained the multiple characters and world building I was going for. I materialized a makisu to start placing the rice on. "So I've got all these characters and they have different stories that they're part of, but they all exist together and are going through their stories all at the same time..."
I've never actually made a sushi sandwich before. I've seen it made in my first life, it can't be any harder than rolling maki...which I've also never done but it can't be THAT hard. I've been watching my dad, cousins and uncles make sushi for years. I can do it too. I shake off my homesickness, missing 爸爸's handmade sushi wasn't something I really wanted to get into right now.
"And so all their stories kind of intersect at random points, because no one's story exists in isolation. So many stories only focus on the main characters and it's like the supporting cast or the world around them exists ONLY for the main character and that's just unrealistic!"
I carefully sliced the avocado into thin strips and laid them out on top of the rice. The salmon was mixed with the spicy mayo and ground up. I added some tempura flakes for crunchiness. I carefully spread the fish paste over the sandwich.
"It's the idea that everyone is the main character of their own story and I want to be able to express that."
I put another layer of rice on top and carefully use the makisu to press it down firmly but gently. I carefully lift up the bamboo mat and pray that the rice doesn't get stuck. To my relief it turned out more or less ok. The edges were oozing out but I just psychically pushed it back in. I know I'm cheating but whatever. I sprinkle some sesame seeds and fish eggs on top.
"The main problem is I have so many characters and I want to do ALL their stories."
I use a knife to cut the 'sandwich' into triangles and then copy-pasted it a few times so there's enough food for everyone.
"Maybe just pick and choose which character's stories blend the best together for this first book you're working on? You can always make more books."
"HEY GUYS! LUNCH IS READY!" I yell in the direction of the living room as I levitate and plate all the sandwiches.
"That's...actually a good idea. Thanks Tina." I scoop another spoonful of food into my mouth. Tina fusses over me, wiping around my cheeks with a napkin. Why does everyone always treat me like a child?
Pyronica rushes into the kitchen/dining room quickly. I see Teeth just a few steps behind. "Woo! I win again!" Pyronica cheers as Teeth screams that it's unfair because she was so much taller than him. I roll my eye as I set the table. Ammy pulls himself through a block he left in the kitchen because he's recently realized that it takes less effort to just warp through himself than floating through all the hallways.
I whine and bat Tina's hand away as she laughs. "Shtop et ktina~" I say with my mouth full. I pout and resolutely ignore her as she continues laughing and babying me.
I put the plates on the table and liquidate a few sushi sandwiches into a large bowl for Xanthar. He comes in with Kryptos clinging to his side. "Ooh~what ARE those?" Kryptos asks as he looks at the triangle shaped food.
"Sushi sandwiches. Just like my great uncle Bill used to make."
"You had a great uncle? Were you named after him?" Pyronica asks as she sits down to grab one of the sandwiches. "Naw, it's just a coincidence really."
I finish my lunch and sigh happily. Biding Tina farewell, I return to my room to start working. I had a better idea for what to do now. And once I finished I can go home without feeling like a lying dick.
Also, existing in two places at once for such a long time was starting to wear on me.
I watched my friends eat and 'ate' my sandwich as well, teleporting in front of me back in Dimension 52. I grin and bite into it. Mm~so much better with proper tastebuds. Thanks Bill. No problem Miz.
Is it weird that it feels perfectly normal to talk to myself?
I sit at my table, nibbling on the sushi while jotting down my ideas for my comic. I joked with my friends as we enjoyed lunch. Teeth drags me to go watch DemonBaby Fights with him. I figure why not? I start sketching out the plot points I need to hit. I couldn't help but get distracted by the show I was watching though.
It was actually pretty good. Looks like me and Teeth will have an activity to do together every week. Intense baby fights.
---
"Jessie! Lookie! Lookie!" I run up to her holding my drafts. She gets up from where she was tending to the garden and smiles gently at me. "Oh? What is it little one?"
"I finished my book!" I gushed excitedly as I showed her my papers. She pats me on the head fondly. "I'm glad. You've been working very hard on it."
"Wanna see?" I ask eagerly.
"Sure."
I read out my work to her, doing all the voices as I went. I end up scooting closer and closer to her until I'm pressed against her side so I can hold my drawings up to her as I chatter happily about the story I made.
"So each chapter has a different main character so we can see what they were doing that made them forget or lose their homework."
"So the story is about a class of students who all forget to bring in their homework?"
"Yeah, and there's 18 kids in this class so I only had 10 pages per chapter to tell their story, which was an interesting limitation to work with." I bounced in my seat excitedly.
"I'm glad. I'm sure people will love your story. It's very delightful."
"And once I mail this out to an editor and publishing company I'll be done and I can leave and..." My smile fades. And when I'm done I'll have to leave huh? I know I wanted to leave but...
I was pressed to Jessie's side, I could feel the softness of her robes. The warmth. The peaceful way we sat together. She never let me come this close when I was Bill.
"Are you alright little one?"
"It's nothing...just..." I was just me today. Bill and I recombined earlier because we were starting to get a headache. I left some pre-made food in the fridge for everyone. Hopefully they can handle themselves without me for a while. I'm going to have to teach them how to take care of themselves huh?
I sighed as I leaned against Jessie. "I'm going to miss living here..."
"You're welcome to stay. I have plenty of room and the other girls like you." Jheselbraum says gently. I shake my head sadly.
"I can't stay. I shouldn't have stayed this long to begin with." I can't stay, the longer I do, the greater the chance would be that Jessie figures out who I am. Frankly I'm surprised she hasn't found out already. The only difference between me and Bill is that he gets to use his powers willy nilly. I laugh the same way, even if my voice is different. I still call her Jessie. I suppose Miz doesn't tease her like Bill does but other than that...
I still barge in on her demanding attention, I still run around her gardens and play in her fountains. Except now, she and the other maidens find my antics cute instead of annoying. Why was it so different? Nothing about me has changed except my external appearance.
"What's wrong little one? You're crying."
I just shake my head and continue crying. There's nothing I can say to this. Jheselbraum looks somewhat frantic as she asks me what's wrong. I just keep sobbing, my pages of work sitting beside me on the bench. It's not fair that they'll only care about me when I'm someone else. It feels like I'm lying to them. Like my deception is the only reason they'll like me.
I just felt so weary now. So tired of this. I'm not acting all that different from the 'me' that exists as Bill, but at the same time, I am. I'm pretending to be someone else. And I'm sick of it. I just want to be loved for being ME. Not for any facade I put on. But what even is ME?! Bill is me. Miz is also me. Zyun-Jan is me. I know WHO I am on the inside. But who am I supposed to be on the outside?
The human girl or the triangular god?
To be honest, neither of them are even the REAL me. They're both just constructs I wear to have a physical form. Shells. Masks. Costumes. So what am I? What am I supposed to be? I sobbed into my knees, burying my face into them as I pull my legs up to my chest. Why does everything have to be so stupid?!
Jessie rubs my back soothingly. She doesn't know what's wrong but I can feel her concern for me. It just made me feel worse. If Jessie knew who I was, she wouldn't be so kind. It was so stupid. I couldn't take it.
"S-sorry I just...I ne-need to..." I wipe at my eyes, pick up my papers and ran back to my room. I shouldn't have stayed so long. I really shouldn't have.
---
I skipped dinner. I've never missed a meal before. Tina and a few of the other shrine maidens (Quillia, Blue-Rose and Hutie) gathered outside my room in worry.
"Miz? Are you alright?" Blue-Rose asks. The rock-like protrusions along her hands scraped at the door as she knocked on it.
"We brought you some food." Quillia, a Cyclopian like Pyronica but with a pastel red coloration and pink flames, held up a plate of food. "There's fish. Your favorite."
"...just leave it by the door..."
"I told you food would work." Quillia nudges Hutie with a grin. Hutie sighs and reaches around Blue-Rose to knock at the door too. "Miz please tell us what's wrong?"
Tina goes closer to the door too. "The Oracle said that you were going to be leaving soon. You know you can stay if you want? We don't mind if you wish to stay."
"..."
"Please tell us what distressed you so?"
"..."
"We are all worried."
"...I'm sorry..."
"Don't be, we only worry because we care. Please talk to us. Tell us what's wrong."
I flicked my fingers and the papers swirling around my room inked themselves into a final draft. It was so much easier to just do this with my powers. I groaned and flopped onto the bed which I moved near the door so I didn't have to get up.
"Please leave me alone." I cried like a drama queen.
I hear them sigh. "I'm going to leave your food here okay?" Their footsteps grew fainter and after a few minutes I opened the door just wide enough to slip the tray in. I eat my food moodily and wonder just what the hell is wrong with me.
Ugh~why am I making this more complicated than it has to be? I cried a bit, thought about it rationally and now I'm just moping for the sake of my own pettiness. I'm just angry at people for once again, hating me as Bill just because I'm Bill. I was so frustrated. Irritated. Part of me was staying in my room so I didn't just snap and reveal myself to everyone here.
That would make everything worse.
Even if I was sick of lying to everyone about who/what I am.
I didn't want to lose this. I'm so done with losing things. Losing connections. Losing people. I can still come visit. As long as they never find out who I am. But I won't allow myself to live here anymore. Aside from the fact that I don't have an excuse anymore, existing in two places at once would never work out in the long run.
I sigh as I get my thoughts in order. Mail out my draft to the editor. Try to get my book published. If no publishing company is willing to pick it up, I can self publish. I have the money for it.
Once again I marvel at how many things in life can be solved by throwing money at it. I couldn't help but feel offended. They say you can't buy happiness but apparently you can buy things that make you happy.
Well, enough melodrama. I can't just sit here in self pity any longer. I should probably go tell the girls I'm doing okay now. I wave my hand and gather up the finished pages (copy and pasting the whole stack to have a back up available in case of accidents) to put in an envelope. Time to go face the music, rather, time to weather through all the temple maidens's well meaning fussing as they try to find out why I'm so upset.
I don't mind being babied every now and then but this was ridiculous. Just because I'm the smallest person here does not mean I'm a child. I am a grown ass woman! I pout childishly and face palm at how terrible I am at actually acting like an adult.
You know what, yeah, I can't blame them for thinking of me as a kid...shit.
I leave my room to bring my tray and bowl back to the dining area. Hopefully I can make up some bullshit about why I'm so sad...
---
As I thought, everyone wanted to know what made me so upset. I didn't really have a response so I just mumbled and tried to dodge them. The temple had a mail system so I was able to send my package off. I went around to say good bye to everyone.
"Do you really have to leave? You can always stay and become a shrine maiden too. You're a skilled healer." Tina says sadly, thinking of that one time I couldn't help but use my powers to heal a sick patient who was brought to the temple.
I shook my head sadly. "I can come visit....sometimes...but I can't stay any longer. Truthfully, having a peaceful place to draw was just an excuse. I don't feel right staying any longer than I need to..."
"But we want you to stay. You make us laugh. We all enjoy having you around."
"You say that..." I mutter bitterly. "...but I know you only care about me because you all think I'm a child."
"Are you not?" Tina looks confused. "Even if we do not know your species, you do not seem like you have reached maturity. The Oracle has said that you 'feel' like you are not an adult."
"I'm older than Jessie..." I pout. "I just...never aged properly..."
"Older than the Oracle?!" Tina gasps in shock. "But you behave like...a child..."
"That's just how I am! I can't help being the way I am...I could try to act more mature but it feels weird when I do that. Also, people aren't going to believe I'm an adult no matter WHAT I do so I've just gotten used to it."
Tina looked confused. "So...are you an adult?"
"Technically...I stopped aging before reaching full adulthood but I have been alive for so long I doubt it matters."
"You're an immortal?"
I shrug. "It's not really that important. Does me being immortal change anything?"
"I guess not?" She looked deep in thought as I bid her goodbye.
I've already packed up my stuff, not that I had much, so all that's left is saying bye to Jessie. Geez, I really didn't want to. It's gonna be so awkward facing her after I ran off like that.
Jheselbraum is kneeling among her flowers. A while back I (as Bill) had planted a few that I found from Iznang, Jessie was quite angry that I was putting strange plants in her garden. She quickly realized these flowers had healing properties and started cultivating them properly. She never thanked me for my thoughtful gift. Probably never even realized they WERE a gift.
I felt another stab of irritation. Really, after everything I've done for her. She still had the gall to push me away. I have every right to hate her. I've destroyed others for far less severe grievances. But she's too important. Dimension 52 is a neutral haven that exists to grant sanctuary. Jheselbraum runs it that way. If anything happened to her, the thousands of people here will no longer have a place to go.
More than that, I didn't want to hurt her. I can't bring myself to do it. I didn't want any sort of revenge for the way she hurt me. I just wanted us to be friends. Or at least non-hostile acquaintances. Lost in my thoughts, I jumped when I felt her pat my head.
"You look so sad little one."
I huff at her "I keep telling you I'm older than you."
"And yet, you are still a child. Why won't you tell me what distressed you?"
I bit my lip and considered my options. Part of me wanted to come clean and just tell her. Part of me wanted to lie. Lie so I can keep her affection. Lie so I can still have a place here. Lie so people will continue to like me. I hate lying.
"I didn't actually come here to work on my art. I'm very glad I DID, but it wasn't my original intention." I confessed.
"Yes, I already knew that."
I blink in surprise. "You did?!"
"Of course. It was quite obvious you were making an excuse. The fact that you did indeed work on your art was a pleasant surprise."
I flushed and fiddled with my fingers. Well this was embarrassing. Jessie smiles faintly. "It is alright. You had your reasons for wanting to be here. I am fine with you staying even without your excuse."
I groaned and sat in a nearby bench. "You say that...but I know you'll take it back."
"Why ever would you think that?"
"Because you don't know me. I thought you did but you don't. And once you do, you'll demand me to leave..."
"I...do not understand?"
"It's fine if you don't. Not many people do." I kicked my legs back and forth. Of course my feet don't reach the ground. "That's why I have to leave. I like it when you're nice to me. So I have to leave before you become mean."
"Why do you think so poorly of me?"
"I don't. You're a really good person Jessie. You just don't understand." I sighed. "I'm just here to say good bye. I'm definitely going to visit again, but I can't stay here anymore."
"Why not? Why won't you tell me what's wrong?"
I groaned in frustration. "If I tell you, you'll never let me come back. That's what's wrong."
She just continues to look confused. I roll my eyes. "For someone with seven eyes, you're pretty blind to things right in front of you." She reels back, mildly offended. "What do you mean?"
"It's better if I don't tell you. Good bye Jessie." I give her a faint smile before Blinking away. I appeared in my house in the Nightmare Realm and sighed as I placed the copy of my manuscript on my desk. I really shouldn't have stayed so long. Even if I enjoyed working on my comic for the first time in millennia.
Should I go complain to Ax about this? No. This is between me and Jessie. I turn back into a triangle and sighed. I don't know how to deal with social situations like this. I'm still stuck on wanting Jessie to know who I am. I want her to figure it out. I want her to realize her own stupidity. Or maybe what I really wanted was for her to realize that SHE of all people should know better than to judge me based on my awful reputation.
I hated lying to people. I really did. It's why I often deal in half truths and misdirection. Outright pretending to be a different person like this wore on me. But, isn't being Bill all the time also a lie? I'm not the real Bill Cipher. But I'm not Zyun-Jan anymore either.
After all, she died eons ago. I'm...just me. And no matter who I choose to be, I will always be lying in some way, shape or form. Maybe I should just stop caring so much. The only thing causing me so much pain is my insistence on caring. Why haven't I just let go already?
There's no reason for me to hold onto my past. It's over and done with. All the people I knew and loved were gone. I had no reason to keep doing this to myself...
I could let go of Zyun-Jan and just become Bill.
It would be so much easier.
It would make me so much happier.
I floated there and knew that if I let go, there would be no turning back. The me as a human would be gone and I would just be Bill. It was my human side that caused me so much pain. It was my human morals that held me back from doing whatever I wanted. If Zyun-Jan was gone, I could finally be happy...
No.
No. No. No. No. No!
I broke down again. Screaming and raging. Fuck this! Fuck all of this! I. AM. ME.
And I won't let go of ANY part of myself. No matter what. I was so angry and upset and frustrated and before I knew it, I was slamming myself into the wall.
Over and over again.
I raged at the unfairness and stupidity of the world. At how I could even consider that I should be the one to change, that I was the problem. They are the issue. Not me.
My bricks cracked and I fell to the ground with a thump while whimpering in pain. "Uwuu~" why do I do this to myself? I moped for a pretty long time. Then I just rolled around feeling embarrassed and ashamed for giving in to my ANGST and being stupid. No! Not the Emo! Noooo!
---
Good news, my manuscript was accepted and the editor wanted to meet Miz for some changes and corrections. So...that's good?
Oh shit I was gonna publish a comic book.
What the hell was wrong with me?
---
"Bill! You're back!" Kryptos greets me cheerfully. I was going to respond but Teeth runs up crying and screaming. "THANK DENTIST YOU'RE BACK!!" He falls to his knees sobbing at my feet.
Wordlessly I stare down at him and then over at Kryptos. The compass sighs. "We ran out of cooked food last week. Pyronica tried to cook...." Teeth whimpers "...and Teeth got food poisoning..." Kryptos winced.
"Right. Teach you all to cook. Got it." I sighed and floated to the kitchen. I haven't been home in like...a month and I forgot to take that swerve through time to get back, was too distracted by all the meetings with my editor. The publishing process was actually a lot more complicated and time consuming than I thought. I couldn't just send it in and leave it at that.
There was a lot of revisions I had to go through, rewrites of the story to streamline it and make it more understandable. My editor was very insistent on fixing the dialogue and pacing of the story. I still have to go meet with her again in a few days. I just managed to remember that I had to go home to check on everyone.
Good thing I remembered.
Teeth was following behind me crying and thanking me as I waved my hand to fix up some food quickly. Teeth digs in the second the food fully forms and I can't help but laugh fondly and pet him. I created more food and got a big bowl of soup for Xanthar as well. I need to go see my sweet baby~
Xanthar tackled me the instant he noticed me and I hugged him tightly. "I'm so sorry I was gone Xan-Xan. Something came up and I lost track of time."
He snuffles on me and I relax into his fur. Oh man...I can just feel myself soothed on his softness. I missed him so much. You know what? What the hell was I doing, moping off by myself. I should have just gone to sit on Xanthar instead.
It would have saved me so much time I wasted from just sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I really needed to do something about my emotional instability. This cannot be healthy. These extreme high and lows. These random moments of self doubt.
The house was a mess. I felt my eye twitch as I saw the take out boxes strewn across the living room. Looks like everyone needs another lesson on cleanliness. My friends would soon learn just how deeply I felt about it. The universe fears me for bullshit, mostly untrue reasons. My friends learned to fear me for very real reasons.
---
PERTIMBANGAN PENCIPTA 
Mlzuum4
Mlzuum4 I feel like I messed up somewhere in this chapter