---
I should probably bring up the topic of computers and the need for a hacker to my friends. The sooner I have them thinking about it, the sooner I can get their opinions on it. Getting in trouble with the Federation would be annoying but since I have a somewhat working relationship with Time Baby, the Federation leaves me and mine alone so long as we don't cause major trouble. It's a tenuous truce upheld only by the 'Favors' that I cash in from the Time Dictator. It allowed my gang to live out in the open without being immediately under attack by Federation law enforcement. Never mind that we lived in a moving fortress, a floating black pyramid that doubled as a spaceship. I did NOT name it the Fearamid. That's silly. I named it the Death Star, because that was sillier. No one gets the reference sadly.
"-on't stop the rain from pouring down~ " I sang as I floated around the kitchen making breakfast. It was an unspoken rule that cooking time is music time. I wanted to encourage singing around the house.
"So why does this keep on happening~we're crashing down with the lightning~"
Even as I pondered the Hectorgon problem I danced through the air singing loudly and terribly. Distantly I can hear Pyronica shriek "Dammit Bill!!! It's too early in the morning for this!"
"It's your fault for staying up all night!" I shout back.
She responds with some angry expletives in her native language. I laugh and turn my music-bubble louder. Wow. I'm a real bitch sometimes.
---
"So. I have my eye on getting computers and internet connection for this house." I remark as everyone sits down for breakfast. I made Ramlettes today. After the whole Raw Men fiasco, I decided to introduce Ramen to my friends. As my favorite food (along with Sushi and Yi Mein) I really wanted more people to know about it. The Ramlette on the other hand was literally a ramen omelette and this would be their first experience with this particular dish. A dish that my little sister Zyun-Kei and I created together...
God I missed her.
"Computers! Internet?! YES!" Teeth cheers loudly. "I can finally try out online gaming!"
Kryptos poked at the food.
"What IS this?"
"It's a Ramlette. Try it. It's good." I grin at his skeptical look. "If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good."
Kryptos hesitantly take a bite and as he chews I can see his eye growing wide. "Ish sho good!" He squees.
"You've gotten pretty good at cooking Bill." Pyronica grins as she chews on her own meal. "I remember when you first started. It was just plain melted meals and things roasted so hot it burned through the plates."
"Yes. Well. I don't actually need to eat and Xanthar just drinks stuff so I didn't have to cook until you moved in." Also, I didn't have a proper oven and other kitchen amenities back then. I cannot create anything that I don't know and the intricate mechanics of the appliances weren't something I could just make off the top of my head. Pretty much I had to wait until I found an oven in some dimension to copy and learn from.
Most cooking in the alien societies I've found were just variations of roasting and heating ingredients. The idea of grain plants that could be ground up into flour and made into things like bread and pasta were put in place by ME. I didn't know how to make bread though (once again, baking is not my forte) and I simply put the idea into the minds of others and let them experiment to create it.
It took them thousands of years to do so. I couldn't help but feel let down by how long they took. I know for a fact that humans would have taken less time to make the same technological advancement.
Yes, I do consider the concept of baking to be technological advancement. Food is important. Different methods for cooking food, of looking at something like a poisonous plant and figuring out a safe way to eat it, is brilliant. I can't wait for humanity to form. If only so I could finally learn how to bake cupcakes.
"What is a computer?" Ammy asked, dragging my attention back to the original subject.
"It's something the Federation created to help them store information. The galactic inter-webs was made for them to transfer information back and forth between dimensions. A few centuries back, in my dimension at least, they released that technology for the general public and it has led to the creation of various information sharing Screens that everyone can access." Kryptos says excitedly.
Everyone stares at him. The Polytool blushes and sinks back in his seat. I grin widely. "Awww~someone's a computer otaku~"
"What does that even mean?!" He wails.
"Don't worry. It just means you love computers. So I'm guessing you're okay with the idea of setting up computers here?"
"Hm...what exactly are computers for?" Pyronica asks. Her planet didn't have them. They were pretty basic on the technological level. She didn't even know what a TV was until she started living with me.
"You can do almost everything with them. Communication, shopping, searching for information, learning..." Kryptos lists off. I can tell Pyronica's interest was piqued by 'shopping' and I sigh fondly.
"Really Ronica? I don't think you need MORE stuff." I should probably stop spoiling her so much. Though even if I don't take her shopping I'm sure she steals stuff on her own...she owns too many shoes that I don't remember getting her.
"You don't even USE half the stuff you own. In fact, we should do a thorough cleaning on the house today. Look through your stuff to see what you need or want to keep." Is that hypocritical of me to say when I was a notorious hoarder in my first life?
"We're not throwing out my stuff." Pyronica protests.
"We're not throwing it out. Stuff you want to keep but aren't using will go in storage. Stuff you don't want will be donated." I reply patiently. She blinks before thinking about it and nodding. "Ok, yeah that's fair."
"So we're getting a computer? What brand?" Kryptos asks excitedly.
"I was actually thinking that each of us can have our own personal one. That way we can pick out which model we want."
Teeth nearly faints from joy. I catch his thoughts about a high speed gaming PC he saw in a store. Well, at least I know which one he wants.
"Um...not to be a downer but...computers are expensive. I know you can just...create money but won't that cause terrible inflation?" Kryptos asks quietly.
"Yes it does. That's why I'm just gonna scan and build the PCs from scratch. The only problem will be the software. I can't actually create that myself." And now to reveal what I've been steering this whole conversation towards.
"So we're gonna need a programmer or hacker to actually get the computers working and connected to the galactic-interwebs." Because there's no way I'm going to buy a proper OS software from the Federation.
Ammy questioned what a hacker was so I explained their skill set and why we needed one. "-nd I really don't want the Federation to be able to track us down through our signals. So I was thinking I should look into getting a hacker Friend."
Pyronica picks up on what I mean first. "A new Friend? Do you have someone in mind?"
"Well...sort of. He's a pretty impressive programmer but I haven't met him yet. I'm planning to go do that after this. Even if I want someone with his skill set, I have no desire to allow someone I don't like to be my Friend. Minion maaaaybe, but not friend."
"Well I'm glad you actually asked us first this time." Pyronica grins at me.
"Yeah well, you're right that I need to have your opinions before making certain decisions."
"So who is this guy?" Teeth asks.
"Well he's a wanted criminal running from the Federation for crimes of embezzling credits from them."
Pyronica laughs. "I like him already." Kryptos looked worried. "It'll be dangerous to take him in with the law out to get him. We could get in trouble for aiding and abetting."
This is why I like having Kryptos around. He GETS it. "That's the other reason I'm bringing this up. Do you guys think it's worth the effort?"
"...I really, REALLY want a good gaming PC with a fast connection." Teeth admits.
"I want to be able to download books online and look up information." Kryptos sighs.
"I want to see what this 'internet' is all about." Ammy says. Pyronica nods. "Same."
I look over at Xanthar who just shrugs. I make a note to myself to make his PC much larger than usual so he could actually use it. I wonder if he could type words?
"So...are we coming with you to meet this guy?" Kryptos asks.
"Ooh! It's another heist right?"
"""Heist! Heist! Heist!""" They chanted. I laughed. "Sure why not?"
I tracked down which dimension, planet and city Hectorgon was in. The mission this time was to make it seem inconspicuous and natural when we bump into him. Don't let on to the Federation officers that I was specifically trying to recruit Hectorgon. After the way I met and instantly clicked with Teeth so publicly, I was hoping to set up a coincidental meeting with Hectorgon the same way.
On one hand, it would make his reactions and behavior towards me more natural. On the other, if he DOES do something that impresses me, I will have a legitimate reason to help him out. Even if the law enforcement try to stop me at that point I can use the literally age old excuse of "I'm Bill Cipher and I do what I want!"
I'll be in trouble with the Federation for a while but a few Deals here and there will fix that up.
Pyronica didn't understand the need to do this in such a round about way. Kryptos and I explained to her the politics behind it. "If I just 'happen' to meet Hectorgon and decide to help him, it means it was a spur of the moment thing. If I outright help him then the police will know it was a premeditated act of aiding a known criminal."
"Yeah, there's a big difference between purposely opposing the Federation versus 'Bill Cipher just starts messing with people on a whim.' and the second option will allow Bill more freedom to act without getting in as MUCH trouble." Kryptos explained.
"Ugh. I don't get politics. The direct to the point approach is so much simpler."
"So what are our jobs this time?" Teeth asks.
"It's a snow planet. We're just going there to play and have a good time. A vacation as it were. Snowball fights, ice skating and drinking plenty of hot bean juice. Spread out, cover ground, make a mess. Start a snowball war that escalates to include all the other tourists and locals."
Ammy's blocks brighten. "So, in other words...cause a chaotic mess."
"Exactly."
I laugh maniacally and my friends all join in.
---
The air was cold and my friends huddled closer to me and Pyronica for warmth. Xanthar had grabbed me out of the air to press my bricks directly to his face. "Ok. I'm guessing you guys need winter clothes?"
""Y-y-yes"" they shivered.
I materialized some scarves, snow boots and knitted hats. Each of the items were 'Cursed' to make the wearer feel warm and protect them from cold damage. I helped Xanthar into his colorful booties, Kryptos and Ammy wrapped the scarves around themselves and Teeth pull the hat over practically his whole body.
"I usually have Lips and Skin to keep me warm..." Teeth sighs sadly.
Oh right. Mouths like him don't normally wear clothing because they were sheltered inside their colony. Frankly, Teeth has been adapting well to being...exposed like this. Most Symbiotes have trouble adjusting without their hosts. Though, it might explain why Teeth requested me to alter his room to have warm, flesh-like walls.
Pyronica was already rolling around in the snow, steam everywhere as everything she touched melted into slush. I shuddered at how messy it looked. "Ronica! You're gonna get your clothes dirty!"
"So what? We can just wash them later!" She laughs as she's absolutely covered in slush and mud. I resist the urge to clean her off right then and there. Then the others start rolling around in the snow as well. I sigh at their antics before Xanthar bodyslams me into the snow.
"Aaaaaah!!"
"Come on Bill! You're the one who wanted to come play with snow." Pyronica laughs at my startled expression.
I scoffed and fixed my hat. "Snow is fine. I don't like slush. It gets into my seams and it feels gross."
Pyronica responds by flinging slush at me and then pouting when the mess hit a barrier around me. "Dammit Bill that's cheating!"
I calmly begin scooping up snow to make a ball. "Nope, cheating is...THIS!" I threw the ball at her and flick my fingers to multiply it by ten. She shrieks as the projectiles rained down on her. "Grrrr...ok, that's it! This means WAR!"
"Bring it!" I cheered as I scooped up more snow.
The other people around us were already giving us a wide distance but at those words they began backing up more rapidly. I easily spot the undercover Federation Agent frowning and debating whether to step in or not. A simple snowball fight seemed innocent enough and he didn't want to risk drawing my attention.
"Gah! How the fuck do you do this?!" Pyronica snarls in frustration as she tries to make a snowball, only to have it melt in her hands. I point and laugh at her. "AHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Dammit guys! Team up with me!" Pyronica looks at the others. Kryptos fidgets nervously. "I don't want to be involved?" He says meekly.
"Hah! I can take you ALL on!" I boast loudly. "In fact, lets make a bet on it! Losing side has to clean the house for the next WEEK."
I levitate multiple snowballs into the air. "And it HAS to be CLEAN. None of that shoving the trash under the couch and hope Bill doesn't notice."
Teeth winced. "I TOLD you he'd find out!"
"What are the terms of victory?" Pyronica asks boldly, striding up to stand opposite me. The wind blows and I felt we made for a pretty dramatic scene.
I gesture and a huge scoreboard appears floating above the city. Bright glowing lines of light shaped into a counter for both teams.
Bill | Maniacs
0 | 0
"From now until sundown. Each direct hit will add a point. Whoever gets the most points wins."
"You're not allowed to use a force field." Pyronica crosses her arms.
"Fine."
"U-um...excuse me?"
We all turn to look at a trembling local. Give the man props for having the balls to actually talk to us. Not that his species has balls but whatever. The alien looked like a keychain. His arms and legs were the charms dangling off from the center ring. They looked like square shaped spoons. The species were called ⌇☊⍜⍜⌿⟒⍀ specifically he's a subspecies called a ☊⎍⏚⟒. If I were to put that into English they'd be called Scoopers.
I generally translate everything I hear into an approximation of English. It makes life easier for me.
The Scooper shivers under our gaze but still continues pleading. "Um...not to spoil your fun but...could I request that this...snowball fight leave us out of the crossfire?" He trembled with a clunking sound as his limbs hit against each other.
I narrow my eye at him and I feel all the people around us take a collective nervous breath. The undercover agent fingers his gun. I let out a giggle. "Well how about this? If any attacks hit anyone who's NOT playing, you'll lose a point."
"Awww~no fun~" Teeth whined.
I grin at the Scooper. "Is this arrangement fine? I promise to repair any damages to the buildings after the fight is over."
He mouths the words 'damages to buildings?!' incredulously but otherwise gives me a shaky consent. Before I could say anything more, I had to tilt my body to dodge a snowball that sails just past me and lands on the ground a few feet away. I slowly turn to see Teeth attempting to look innocent. His acting was getting better because I almost believed it.
"You didn't think it'd be that easy huh?" I asked, amusement oozing from every syllable. "I'm the All Seeing Eye kid. You're gonna have to try harder."
Teeth grinned widely and scooped up another handful of snow.
Game on!
---
I hid behind a building and flickered through more images. I'm getting closer to where Hectorgon was hiding. As I brush some snow off my bricks I take a glance at the scoreboard.
Bill | Maniacs
24 | 19
Yeah...they managed to corner me a few times. This was actually a good training exercise to teach them hit and run tactics, teamwork, stealth and etc. Note to self. Bring them to a Laser Tag arena sometime.
While I'm here, I should probably look into the thing that confused me about all this. Why was Hectorgon on THIS planet in particular? As someone on the run he should be hiding out somewhere more...hospitable right? Not a winter wonderland where he might freeze to death.
If you were on the run you'd want to be somewhere that would have survival options available if you were forced to flee from the cities and hide out in the wilderness right? Outside the city where the Federation has less control, less surveillance. But the snow, ice and COLD is even worse outside the city. If he were forced to flee out there, he wouldn't survive long.
So why come HERE?
I reached out to try and find him. Shifting through minds rapidly as I searched. I know he's somewhere in this area...despite my distraction I managed to dodge a snowball. Hooray for being able to sense hostile intent.
I grinned at Ammy. "Close but no cigar~"
"You don't even smoke." Ammy grumbled as he stuck one end of his body into the snow and tensed up. Oh no.
I was forced to flee as snow started spraying out of one of his blocks at me like a machine gun. His firing speed is getting faster. I heard a passerby yelp as they are mowed down by snow fire. His aim still needs work though.
I laugh as I flung a snowball at one of Ammy's eyes and fled even closer to where Hectorgon was. I was slowly narrowing down his location. There was an unfortunate side effect of drawing the Officer closer as well. He was following me at a distance. I can't blame him for wanting to keep an eye on me.
-Guys. I need a distraction on the south side of town. The uninvited guest is getting too close.-
'On it.' Pyronica responded.
There was a rumbling sound and the officer cried out in alarm as Xanthar raced past him, knocking him over with a wave of snow. Pyronica rode on his back screaming out a war cry. Since she couldn't actually make snowballs her role was mainly shooting down any attack I sent at them. Even now she was flinging fireballs around.
We did a fly by at each other, Xanthar sweeping waves of snow with his large hands and me throwing rapid fire snowballs with the dozens of hands I'd grown. Both sides got a bunch of hits in before we were running off in different directions.
It was enough time for me to give the officer the slip while he dug himself out of his snow pile, irritated but unharmed. I found myself heading farther into the outskirts of the city.
Funny enough, after the people noticed no one was being hurt, just covered in snow, a crowd of spectators had formed and were cheering at our antics. I heard them taking bets with each other too. There weren't many spectators following ME but Pyronica seems to have gained quite the fan club.
I spotted a flash of red. Hectorgon was rushing through an alleyway carrying a briefcase. I nonchalantly flew around flinging snow at Teeth who was trying to hide behind a building and fled closer to the alleyway when Kryptos actually dive bombs me from a rooftop with an armful of snow. I yelp and tumble backward, spinning through the air and just so happen to hit the red Anglesphere, sending both of us into a snow bank.
"Oof! Ow. Sorry 'bout that." I untangle my limbs from him as the scoreboard above us makes a buzzing noise, glows red and subtracts a point from my score. "Oh come on! This didn't even count!" I shake my hand angrily at it.
"Watch where you're going kid!" The Anglesphere shakes his head and fumbles around in the snow for his briefcase. He looks up at me and freezes.
There was recognition there but not the kind I was used to. It wasn't the fear of 'OMG it's Bill Cipher!' But a sad recognition. I realize he's mistaken me for someone else. I'm half buried in snow and wrapped in winter clothes which hid enough of my shape and eye that he thought I was something other than a triangle.
His memory hits me like a freight train going off the rails down a cliff side. An orangish yellow hexagon happily bounces at his side, laughing merrily at him. He laughs back, picking her up and tossing her up and down in the air.
I shake myself out of his memory. He's already realized he's got the wrong person. He opens his mouth to say something when I'm hit by a snowball. The scoreboard adds a point accordingly. "That one doesn't count!" I shout at Ammy who's looking incredibly smug.
I felt the Federation officer spot us. Shit, what to do now? I'd gotten distracted being pulled into Hectorgon's flashback. As my mind raced, I felt a burst of malicious intent and instinctively turned to dodge. Apparently Hectorgon noticed the danger as well and threw himself to the ground to hide in the snow.
Ammy had no such instincts.
A Bzzt sound rings out as the officer fired at Hectorgon but missed when he dodged the attack. The shot hits Ammy and he screams in pain. It's the first time I've ever heard such a sound from him. It's the first time he's ever been hurt in his life.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NONO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!
I saw Will again. Lying limp on the ground as his blood spilled everywhere. I can't do this. Not again. I can't do this again. I don't want to deal with this again.
My rational mind retreated and I let the other part of me take over.
Everything turns red.
I screech in outrage and grow to the size of a house, my bricks darkened into a vivid red and opened up to reveal multiple rows of teeth. Many arms grow out and I snatch the terrified officer up.
He tried to shoot at me but I rip the gun from his hands (actually I think I ripped off his hands) and toss it into one of my new mouths. I was too angry for words, just screeching at the bleeding man with sounds beyond mortal comprehension. I should kill him. I could easily kill him. Just squeeze him until he popped. Twist his head off. Eat him. The only reason he wasn't already dead was because I couldn't decide HOW to kill him. Which method would satisfy me most.
I could just revive him so I could kill him again.
That sounded like a WONDERFUL idea!
I tore his limbs off and ate them. As an insect/mammalian crossbred creature, he had plenty for me to rip off. I forced my power into him to make those limbs grow back just so I could tear them off again. I squeezed him until his ribs cracked and punctured his own organs and then healed him. I screeched the whole time. "YOU KILLED HIM YOU KILLED HIM YOU KILLED HIM-"
"-op! Please stop! Kid! It's ok! Your...your friend is alive! B-but he needs medical attention!"
I distantly heard a voice shouting at me. It was hard to think through all this red in my vision but I twisted some bricks around to look down at a terrified Hectorgon cradling a twitching Ammy. Ammy! He's still alive! I forced my way past my rage, my worry overriding my need for vengeance.
I should have checked on him first. I should have healed him first. I make a distressed noise and reach down with a finger as large as telephone pole towards the shifting amorphous shape in Hectorgon's arms.
"Ammy?" I growl out, my voice distorted as I blinked down at him. A small blue flame flickers at the end of my finger and Ammy weakly reaches out his arm to wrap around it. He shudders and absorbs my flame, his blocks glowing as my power heals him. His breathing gets easier and I attempt a soothing rumble as I watched the color return to him.
There's a sizzling sound as my tears rolled down my body to land in the snow around me. I was steaming, the heat coming off me melting the snow and making the air distort. "Ammy?" I say a little more softly, crying and praying and hoping-
"I'm...fine..." Amorphous Shape says weakly. His hand curls a little tighter around my finger. He's so small like this. So fragile looking. I sob in relief and slowly shrink back to normal.
The officer makes a terrified noise and unfortunately draws my attention back to him. I turn red again. He wheezed when I tightened my hold on him. "Yoooou..." I start growling. There's a lot of blood running down my hand from all the wounds I've inflicted and healed over.
"Bill! Stop!" Pyronica and Xanthar run up, the loaf pressing himself against me and sends out feelings of 'worry' 'calm' as Pyronica carefully tried to talk me down. "You can put him down now...it's okay...Ammy's okay..."
"No he's NOT! This...asshole shot him!" Now that my worry calmed, the anger from earlier was seeping back in. The rational part of myself was trying desperately to calm down but I just couldn't. I wanted this man to SUFFER.
"Yes he did. And he is an asshole. But just put him down. He's very sorry for what he did. Right?" Pyronica glares at the officer who nodded frantically. "Come on Bill, he's not worth the effort. Just let him go." Normally my friends didn't care who I killed (whether on accident or not) but this was a Federation officer. Killing him would cause issues. I had taught them that myself. A distant part of me was glad they took my words to heart, enough to stand up and tell me 'No'.
I growl and stare at the man gripped in my hand. She's right, just let him go. No! He needs to SUFFER! This won't make me feel better. Yes it will! If I kill him the Federation will be pissed. I don't fucking care.
If I keep him alive I can hold him as leverage against the Federation.
I froze and contemplated that thought. Opening fire upon a suspect in broad daylight in a city. Hitting an innocent pedestrian. I didn't even NEED to kill him. He was going to be in enough trouble with his superiors once word of this got out. Best case scenario, he's suspended for an indefinite amount of time. Worst case, Infinitetentiary.
The fact is, this guy (Alseph, what kind of name is that?) fired upon and injured one of my friends. To attack my friends without provocation is to launch an attack upon ME. He broke the non-aggression treaty I had put in place with the Federation. By all rights I was allowed full retaliation against them.
I'm sure they wouldn't want that. In fact, they may be willing to negotiate for my forgiveness because of this. If I know those old coots (and I sure as hell DO) they'll be open to bargaining for mercy. They wouldn't hesitate to sacrifice poor Alseph to sate my anger.
I can use this.
It's always best to go into a bargain from a position of power. I could kill this man for his crime against me but the Federation would take that as an acceptable sacrifice while hypocritically demanding me to compensate them. But if I let him LIVE...I get to make the demands.
I slowly lower my hand to the ground and let go of the trembling agent. I can feel the 'Relief' pouring out of everyone around me. The hand holding Alseph morphs into ropes binding him together as it detached from my body. The rest of me has turned back into my default form, bowtie and all.
Xanthar nudges me, I sigh tiredly and press myself onto him. Pyronica looked relieved. I keep quiet about the fact that my mercy was based on practical reasons. I give Xanthar a quick hug before turning to Hectorgon. "Is Ammy alright?"
He nods carefully, hopping closer and holding out my friend in his arms. The Amorphous Shape is shifting and folding with calm, smooth movements. His blocks were vivid bright colors. I slump in relief. I hold out my hands and Hectorgon deposits my friend (son?) into my arms.
"Hey Ammy, how're you feeling?"
"Better. I did not realize getting hurt would feel so...painful."
"Yeah well, that tends to happen when you get shot." I joke softly as one hand gently brushes his blocks. I haven't held him like this since the day I first found him. I felt nostalgic thinking about how much he's grown.
Hectorgon stands around awkwardly, unsure if he was allowed to leave. He knew it was HIS fault (partially) that Ammy got shot. I could feel his thoughts of anxiety over whether or not I'll realize Ammy only got hit because he ducked the shot. Of course I realize that but I'm not going to hold it against him.
Not that he knows. Once again my practical, scheming side looked at this situation and said 'I can use this.' I glance at the Anglesphere and he shivers. Even if he didn't know who I was before, he sure as hell does now.
"You and him-" I point at the hogtied officer "-are not going anywhere until you've earned my forgiveness."
Hectorgon swallows nervously "Y-yes, that is understandable."
"Wait! That man is a wanted criminal! I'm here to apprehend him!" Alseph says from his position slumped over in the snow. He's covered in blood and shivering. I absently levitate him and Curse his clothes warmer. Can't have him dying on me before I can use him.
"I don't give a flying fuck nugget who this man is. You shot at him and hit my FRIEND. You're BOTH going to stay right here until I get a proper apology." I sneered.
"I'm...sorry?" Alseph says nervously.
At the sight of my glower he knew he's fucked up. As I'm about to go off on him I hear Hectorgon's deep baritone "I'm truly sorry. I never meant for anyone else to get hurt because of me."
He meant it too. Wholeheartedly. Unlike Alseph's empty words, I could FEEL the red alien's regret and guilt. Looks like I didn't have to worry about not liking him. With just two simple sentences he's already won me over.
I can tell from Pyronica's face that she understood too. More than any sort of special skills or an interesting personality, the types of Friends I wanted were the ones who were capable of compassion. Pyronica showed me that when she looked after me while I was drunk. There was Teeth's unconditional love for his colony when he willingly shared his tips with them. Even Kryptos had been worried for my safety when I told him I would help him escape from Jorgio.
I sighed and closed my eye. "Apology accepted. Thank you for checking on Ammy for me. And for helping me realize he needed healing. I..." I felt a little heavy. "...I don't know what I would do if he'd died because I was too stupid to see that he needed help."
Alseph was staring in a dawning horrified realization as I turned to Hectorgon and tipped my hat to him. "Thank you for that. I owe you. And I hate owing people so if there's something you need help with, I'm willing to hear you out."
"Y-you can't help him! He's a criminal! The Federation will hear of th-!"
"The Federation-!" I growl at him "-will do NOTHING because YOU fucked up and if they don't want me to bust down their door and incinerate them all for this breech of our Terms and Agreements then you shut your mouth before I REMOVE it from you!"
Alseph wisely clamps his mouth shut, eyes wide as he suddenly realized just how badly he'd screwed up today. I hear a terrified thought of 'My superiors are going to be SO mad when they hear about this...'
I turn to Hectorgon who's deep in thought and awed by the fact that he'd gotten a FREE Favor from Bill Cipher. Most creatures in the multiverse would give up their own first-borns for such an opportunity. "What are the terms?" He asks carefully.
"Similar to my general Deals except you don't have to give me anything in return. No invasion of free will, no raising the long dead, no mass executions and I have a right to refuse anything that I don't WANT to do."
He mulls over my words as the townsfolk around us curiously watch on from a distance. Many of them were filming this whole incident. I let them, I needed the Federation to know what happened here today. Finally Hectorgon looks up with a grin "I think I know what I'd like."
---
"So the Federation actually has a Server Farm hidden on this planet?" Kryptos asks in amazement. We're all sitting around a tavern with cups of hot bean juice. Hectorgon had just finished explaining what he wanted for his Favor.
"It makes sense. The natural cold of this planet would keep the machines from overheating, in fact the cold might make them run BETTER." I muse as I sip on my juice.
"And with how inhospitable the out lands are, there's no chance of anyone just happening across them. They wouldn't even NEED to place as many security measures. Less man-power needed to run the place. Cheaper." I continue.
"So you just need Bill to help you get to where the farm is located so you can hack in." Kryptos summarizes. He was bouncing in his seat, excited for the prospect of being able to SEE a Federation server farm in person.
"You can't do this! The Federation will come down on ALL of you!" Alseph protests loudly from his position levitating in the air beside our table. I spin him with a wave of my hand and he makes distressed sounds.
"How odd. I could have sworn I heard someone try to speak to me." I say as I otherwise ignore him. He makes gagging sounds as the dizziness starts getting to him. I stop the spinning and take another calm sip of my cup.
"So what do you need access to the servers for? Are you going to crash their systems? Steal top secret information from the government?" Kryptos asks.
"Nothing quite that simple. Crashing their system will do more harm than good. I can get most secrets I want, no, what I'm after needs me to physically get into the server." Hectorgon rumbles.
"Y-you...hah...will be...urg....stopped! Y-you fiend!"
"Damn, this guy just does NOT shut up." Teeth stares at our prisoner.
"He's been brainwashed since the moment he hatched to obey Federation law." I shrug. "Most Federation soldiers can't even think for themselves."
Teeth actually looks sympathetic. "That sounds awful. Isn't there some way to...free them?"
"Free a Fed- and they'll be hunted down by the others. Their masters don't allow dissenters."
Pyronica growls. "Fuck the Federation."
"Why haven't you taken them down Bill?" Ammy asks innocently, to Alseph's horror.
"Because despite how awful they are, everyone's lives would actually be WORSE without them. Trust me. You can't destroy a system of government without a new one willing to step in and take over. I might like chaos but not the kind that could get trillions of lives killed."
My friends paled, even Kryptos, who already understood the delicate multiversal ecosystem of governmental politics didn't actually realize how far spread the Federation's reach went.
"See?! The Federation is LAW! So stop this treasonous-!" I gagged Alseph with some more rope.
"Of course, these issues only apply for the dimensions that the Federation has INVADED and TAKEN. The worlds where they stamp out the original governments in order to impose their rule upon them. To be fair, there are many worlds in which the Federation's government actually helped the native people but lets not get into that right now."
"Yes. Please change the subject, I have a headache." Pyronica groans as she slumps over the table.
"Getting back to the topic, I don't mind helping you get to and from the server farm safely. It sounds like fun."
"""Woo! Arctic adventure!""" My friends cheered.
"Mmphmm!!!" Alseph said angrily.
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