Bab 41: Chapter Forty
Rose
My eyes wide as I turn to face him, seeing him clenching his jaw before taking a few steps closer towards me—closing the distance between us. My body freezes as my mind continues to replay the words he said, wanting me to keep on remembering them; why is he making it hard for us? I thought.
''Marry me,'' He says before cupping my face.
''Let me commit myself to you. Let me show you how much I love you and that I'd do anything. Please, let me have a future with you, let me make you happy, let me love you. I need you, Rose. Don't torture me because I want to be with you—it doesn't matter if I'll lose everything as long as I have you,'' He says, looking straight into my eyes; sending me shivers down my spine.
Tears are starting to fall down my cheeks, making me close my eyes—wanting to escape this bittersweet pain yet I'm still here; feeling his touch. My heart starts to slowly break at the situation I'm in, it might actually cause more trouble than good. As I try to look away, he continues to pull my face so that I'll be facing him, resting his forehead against mine. All of a sudden, I feel his tears dropping onto my cheeks; making me cry even more.
''Please, don't leave me.'' He cries.
I open my eyes to see his, burning red and filled with tears; it's hurting me more to see this sight of him, hearing the sound of his voice breaking and feel his fingers shaking. ''I beg of you. Marry me. Be my wife—let me love you till my last breath. Let me prove that to you,'' He breathes out.
Our eyes close in an instant as he continues to cup onto my face, letting me feel his warm breath on the bridge of my nose—distracting me at the sight of his tears. Deep down, I'm feeling my whole system shutting down and just letting me focus onto him; why am I crying for us? I thought.
Within seconds, I am already responding to his touch by slowly wrapping my arms around his neck before brushing my lips against his; making him kiss me immediately yet our kiss is passionately slow, not a single rush showing—my mind shuts down at my action but have no intention on breaking the kiss. As soon as I feel him wrapping his arms around my waist, I start to melt.
Why am I giving in?
I don't know.
I've missed the way he would taste and I've missed the way he'd kiss me. Truth be told, I miss everything about him that it starts to kill me slowly—making me try to deny every single thing just so that I'll survive without worrying about my past. What makes me truly happy is being with Elia, not with Elis, even if I might say so to myself.
He loves me and that's the thing.
I can't seem to love him back.
I slow the kiss before breaking it and see Elia opening his eyes to look straight into my eyes; they are still red with tears—making me see the sincerity he has for us.
''No, don't. Please just let me go,'' I breathe out.
He shakes his head, denying me as he pulls me closer, ''Please. Please. Please, don't leave me like this.'' He replies, weakening my heart. Our eyes meet again and I can't help but continuing to see sadness in them; showing the pureness of his love for me.
Our faces are inches apart and our lips would brush against one another yet I don't find myself attracted towards him in a way that would make me go down on my knees because of what he had done. He had caused me more pain that I can't seem to see my love for him—maybe I've clouded them.
The chances are they've disappeared.
Gone.
''I love you,'' He repeats, whispering in my ear and making me cry even more—not quite accepting the way my body and heart reacts to his words. I can't seem to answer because of the confusion I'm dealing with and the torn up pieces that I wasn't able to fix.
It takes me a few seconds to actually nod my head and respond back with a smile; making him smile back at me before pulling me in for another kiss—this time, I try to let myself feel the rushes yet they seem faint.
We continue to kiss each other after awhile, only focusing on us and trying to fix what we once had. From the kiss we share, I least expected myself to be crying at the same time; probably because of how broken we are, it's quite hard to believe.
What am I supposed to feel?
Happy or nothing?
I break the kiss, trying to slow down my breaths before glancing up into his eyes; seeing them still closing as he clenches his jaw—holding himself back. My eyes continue to watch his every movement because I actually want to get a better look of him.
Why all of a sudden? Why did he come back?
Elis.
The name comes in my mind, almost making me loose grip onto Elia—making me realise but when I turn around, I don't see him anywhere; leaving me all by myself. I quickly let go of Elia, wanting to look for him and just as I reach the ground floor, I see that Elis's car is nowhere to be found.
Did he see?
Without even turning, I know Elia is behind me.
A week has passed ever since the proposal and my mind hasn't been empty at all; mostly because it's occupied with Elis. Even when I'm with Elia, I still think about Elis—is it normal? Is it alright?
My mind keeps on replaying the images of Elis; slowly leaving me to cherish them; when he was there with me, through thick and thin without the need of going elsewhere—isn't that what I wanted? Him.
''Rose?'' I turn to look at Elia who has been calling.
He is looking at me while I remain confuse at his sudden call, not really keeping up with what he has been saying towards the woman in front of us; our wedding planner—Elia said that we'll get married as soon as possible because we don't want things to get any rough that will cause us more pain or lost.
''Huh?'' I raise an eyebrow.
''Is everything okay? You alright?'' He asks.
I immediately curve my lips into a small smile before holding onto his hand, assuring him that I'm okay when I don't even know. ''Everything's fine.'' I reply.
Both of us are looking into each other's eyes, he is probably trying to seek out for lies but when he does not see any, he starts to grip back onto my hand, ''Excuse us for awhile,'' He says towards the wedding planner and she nods before leaving us on our own.
Elia turns his body to face me, ''If there's something wrong, you can just tell me. Am I rushing things? If I am, we both know why but that's not the thing. We've been dealing with a lot of shit lately in our lives and I don't want you to think about it.'' He stops for awhile, ''I'm not going back there. I left it all behind, for you. I want us to be safe and this time, I mean it,'' He says, completely earning my focus but for some reason, I can't seem to feel a thing. Where's that exhilaration?
''I know that,'' I mutter under my breath.
''Then? Why have you been zoning out lately? It's not just here but when we were planning the decorations, you weren't even focusing. I just want to know that you're okay,'' He caresses the side of my skin with his thumb, making me look straight into his brown eyes.
My heart keeps on telling me to decide but I don't understand what to decide. A lot has been going on my mind and for some reason, I can't choose; deep down, I'm all but focused. There's a lot of possibilities and impossibilities that could happen yet that's not the point—I've been thinking about Elis.
Where is he now?
How is he?
Will he be alright?
Those questions. They keep on repeating in my mind and almost making me wander around him all the time. My feelings for him are not clear; maybe not yet but I want to make sure that it'll be clear to make me decide or even choose of what might happen.
Why am I worrying about him too much?
''Rose, you're doing it again.'' Elia's voice interrupts my own thoughts, making me turn to see him frowning at my sudden behaviour.
''I'm sorry, that'll be the last of it.'' I reply.
Just like that, I call back for our wedding planner and start listening to her plans—of what she has in mind. I continue to tell her how I want things to be simple but something that can be cherished forever. Things like this should not be taken for granted; it's marriage.
Elia seem to be slightly satisfied of my behaviour, after not seeing me zoning out for no reason at all; it's making him happy. Well, I'm trying hard not to think of others especially Elis and I guess it'll work for now.
''I need some air,'' I say.
He glances at my direction for a few seconds before nodding and letting me leave the building; earning myself a sigh—a deep one for sure. As soon as I step out, I start to look up at the sun shining brightly and almost making me close mg eyes; breathing properly. My mind seems to be confused at the situation that I'm in because instead of being excited about the wedding, I'm thinking about Elis. Elis. Elis.
I turn left to see Elis exiting the coffee shop before walking down the other direction; leaving me to run after him, quickly. ''Elis,'' I call out for him.
He stops walking, turning around to look at me; his eyes are focusing onto my face and almost making me cry out for him—yet I don't know how. I take a few steps closer towards him as he stands still, waiting for me to utter my next words, ''Can we talk?'' I ask.
''What's there to talk?'' He asks.
''Look, I haven't seen you for a week now. Where have you been? How are you? You're never home. I'm just worried about you,'' I say, only looking at him. It takes me awhile to realise the dark circles under his eyes; showing how he's tired of something.
I wasn't able to meet him at all. I wasn't able to speak or explain to him because we didn't cross each other's path. Whenever I went back to our apartment, he wouldn't be there and that would always leave me hanging; his stuff is there, which confuses me.
''I've been around. I just don't think that you should be worrying about me, Rose. Clearly you are happier and better with me not being around. You have always wanted to be with him and now that he's here, you've gotten what you always wanted. Isn't that good?'' His words sink deeply into me; making me sigh.
Elis's feelings for me are clear, he said so himself. He loves me, he loves me and he loves me. That would make it hundred percent clear of what he feels for me; he wants to be with me—he said that he wanted me to stay and be there for him because he'll never leave me. Why did I leave him? Why? I don't know.
''I just don't get it,'' He continues.
''I don't get why you would choose my brother over me but then again, you loved him. Love. You saw what he did to you but you were always clinging onto him, wanting him to be back and say that he's sorry so that you can go to him—I don't understand.'' He says, ''I've told you. I've said I love you. That I want to be with you and that I'll never leave you or hurt you. Why did you have to hurt me in return?''
''It's not like that—''
He cuts me off, ''It's not like that. Then what?''
We stay quiet for a few seconds, only letting people pass us and the sound of the city accompany us but both of our eyes aren't able to look away from each other; we've been together for almost a year. He has seen my worst and my best. He accepted me.
''I'm happy for you. Congratulations,'' He mutters, clenching his jaw before turning around and walking down the road without a second glance behind.
I continue to eye him until he's out of sight.
I don't get it too.
I turn to look at myself in the glass window, seeing how I'm not truly happy. I've been wanting to be with Elia and been wanting to have him by my side but why all of a sudden, I don't feel like I need him.
Hadiah
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