Bab 15: Responsibility
When I came to, I was lying face up on the boulder. Small rays of sunshine pierced through the small gaps in the wisteria leaves.
"You're up," Gramps said.
"I am." I didn't move, choosing instead to keep staring blankly at the brilliant purple of the wisteria tree. It was one of the few things that brought me comfort in this world.
"I have a few things to tell you, so listen up. I won't be repeating myself." My grandpa simply stated, the ridicule in his speech now completely gone.
I said nothing in response, but I focused on his words.
"What you did there was inexcusable. We demon slayers are entrusted with great power. Power which, for better or for worse, we have to use to protect people. It is not under any circumstances a means to a selfish and self fulfilling end.
Letting our emotions get the best of us in the field can not only result in our deaths, but the deaths of the people you are burdened with protecting. You might be a cynical and power hungry individual, but having the blood of dozens of innocents you were supposed to be protecting on your hands simply because you couldn't put a hold on your own emotions is something even you cannot handle. Believe me." He spoke plainly, doing away with his usual riddles and vague statements. "Now, I will give you two choices. Ponder carefully over my words before you make a decision.
Your first option is to give up. Give me back Mountain slicer and never again touch a sword. Live in comfort here, take over the family business, marry a pretty lady and die. As both your grandfather and mentor I strongly suggest you take this option.
Now for the second option. Do away with your arrogance and never ending quest for power. Hunger for power is a good thing for any man to have, yet yours is an abyss as dark as bottomless. Just recalling the look in your eyes as you poured your everything into training still gives me shivers to this day. I know nothing will ever quench that thirst, you will have to live with it for the rest of your life.
If you choose this option, you will have to dedicate your whole life to protecting other people, the way you go about doing that is up to you but civilians are your number one priority at all times. The corps will never accept someone as reckless as you, no matter your strength. As you are now, you are too much of a loose cannon, you might end up as much of a liability as you are an asset. If that happens, it will be your head that rolls to protect the secrets of the corps."
Grandpa let out a deep sigh and carried on with my head now turned to give him my undivided attention.
"Lastly, I apologize for not taking your requests seriously. I have never experienced this bottleneck you described so I thought it could be solved by simply training harder. Yet from what I can tell, that is not the case. Yukiko, you have a talent I have never seen before for as long as I lived, you exceeded every single one of my expectations. It would be a shame for that talent to be squandered by staying in this house, doing the same thing over and over again hoping for different results. That is madness, and you are beginning to show signs of it.
My advice to you is; leave this house. Go somewhere more suited to nurturing your talent. Learn another breathing style, you and water are not compatible, that much is obvious." His speech no longer felt like a lecture. Now shifting into something more akin to an old man passing on his wisdom to the younger generation.
"And where do I go? If not here then where am I supposed to go?" I asked.
"Sapporo is a small town almost exclusively surrounded by mountains. Your best bet is to head south through those mountains.
But you have yet to answer the question."
"It's not even a question, old man. There was only one choice to begin with" I said with a dry laugh.
Gramps shook his head in disapproval
"You really don't listen. You don't understand the consequences of your choice. Your actions will not only affect you. I am responsible for teaching you. If it weren't for me you wouldn't even be able to hold a sword. Whatever you do will reflect back onto me. You go ballistic, I'll have to take the blame."
He was right. I hadn't thought that deeply about it. I started by using swordsmanship as a means to escape my boredom and make life more exciting. Yet, it ended up being my everything. Without even noticing it, I poured every waking hour into practice, and I practiced until my arms fell off. And what had that brought me? A feeling of worthlessness with a strong hint of misery.
I really tried to look for a reason to keep going. Yet I couldn't find a single one.
'I can't find a reason but whenever I think about my future, I don't think of myself sitting down at a tea ceremony discussing business with shady merchants. Neither can I see myself happily settling down with a family of my own.
On the other hand, I feel drawn to the blade, as though something is pulling at my consciousness, nudging me in its direction. Whenever I swing my sword, whenever I grip the hilt, whenever I place the blade in my sheath, my very soul quivers as though it is resonating with the piece of metal.
Is that not enough? Is it not enough of a reason to keep going? Even through misery, I have never felt more drawn to something in my two lives.'
I wasn't sure at the time, but the feeling I was experiencing is akin to a person finding their calling, that one they were put on this planet to do.
'Yes that's right, this is what I was meant to do all along. I've been impervious to it before but now I can feel it. This is my purpose.' I reasoned.
When I realized that, pieces of the puzzle began quickly arranging in my head. I truly felt as though I had gotten more in tune with the world around me, I could hear every reverberation, every slight tremor and more importantly, I felt as though I had become more aware of my existence and every bodily process happening inside me. I could hear my heart beat as though it was being amplified by a stethoscope and I felt the blood flowing through every vessel in my body, slowly delivering oxygen to every single one of my cells.
"No, I have a reason now. I will keep going. I can't stop. Not now." I said in a flat but resolute tone.
My grandpa steeled his gaze as he glared down at me before letting out a defeated sigh.
"If it's what you wish. I won't stop you, but I will no longer be your mentor, from now on you are completely on your own." He spat out.
"Isn't that just a way to avoid responsibility?" I asked.
"I wish it was. I already got away with it once. If you fuck up it'll be both our lives on the line. So consider yourself warned. Anyway, as for your departure. I recommend you make a stop here" He took out a map and pointed at a village tucked in between the surrounding mountains. "An acquaintance of mine knows how to get through these mountains, and he owes me a favor. I recommend you leave no later than tomorrow. Say your goodbyes and pack your things. You're only so young, but this is necessary."
Status Power Mingguan
-- Peringkat
Power 
-- Power
stone