Bab 7: Chapter 7: Talk
Grayson hears a feeble knock at his door. He had been staring at his suitcase on his bed for half an hour now, packing and unpacking it. He closes his eyes for a moment but ignores it. He can fit his entire life inside this suitcase; he knows exactly where everything fits, what to keep and what to lose. He was an expert at this point and had always been proud of how efficiently he'd be able to bail out of any situation.
The knocking comes again, paired with a faint voice calling, "Grayson?"
Grayson stares at the ceiling for a while, then moves to the door. He sees Jude outside his door's peephole, distorted by the glass. He looks small, and the worried wrinkles in his forehead take up most of the view.
"I just want to say something, but you can tell me to f*ck off. I deserve it."
Grayson feels a twinge of anger in his chest. He opens the door halfway, his body blocking any gap inside.
Jude looks like a kicked dog, wringing his hands pitifully. He's a direct contrast of himself a few hours ago, brimming with self-righteous fury. The man in front of him looks like he would never hurt a fly, though the bruise forming on Grayson's spine could attest otherwise.
Grayson blinks coldly, mouth set in a hard line.
"Amelia told me everything. I…can't begin to tell you how sorry I am. I shouldn't have—I just—I'm sorry."
Grayson doesn't balk.
"I wanted a chance to say that, before…" Jude looks down, his face contorting. "You have every reason to leave, but I—we both…want you to stay."
"Is this how it would be if I did?" Grayson's voice is monotone, void of any emotions. "I humiliate myself trying to get you to tolerate me, you let me think there's a chance, only to sweep my feet out from under me?" He laughs grimly. "And then what? You apologize and the cycle starts again?" Grayson steps toward Jude. "Do you up it every time? How long before I'm in the hospital because of something you 'thought' you saw?"
Jude flinches but doesn't back away. "I've never done that before, I promise you."
"So I'm special?" Grayson smiles mirthlessly. "That makes me feel much better."
Jude reaches out for Grayson's hands but pulls back. "You are special, Grayson. I wish I could explain why I feel this way. I feel like I have no control over myself when I'm with you."
Grayson narrows his eyes, anger subsiding slowly. "You shouldn't say things like that, I really can't stomach you getting my hopes up anymore."
"I want to prove it to you, I want you to be able to trust me…" His voice trails off as he notices Grayson's hand gripping his own shoulder. "Did I hurt you?"
Grayson shrugs. The truth was complicated, but he was choosing to focus on the intent of the action instead of the consequences.
"I should go, I've done enough." Jude shakes his head. "I don't know what I was thinking."
"Wait–" Grayson grabs Jude's arm. Their eyes meet and he drops it. "Let’s…go for a walk or something?"
"Are you sure?" Jude's voice is soft.
"Yeah, why not?" Grayson rubs the back of his neck. "I don't want to leave things this way." He locks his door and nods in the direction of a park.
They walk in silence for a few minutes, watching people enjoying their day all around them.
Grayson isn't sure why he stopped Jude from leaving. He isn't even sure what he wants Jude to say.
Jude clearly has no clue what to say, every muscle in his body looks tense. His eyes are glued straight forward.
Grayson opens his mouth and closes it. He should have seen it earlier, really. Grayson had no reason to believe Jude wouldn't hurt him.
So why? It's not like Grayson was a stranger to being threatened… Why did it feel like such a betrayal from a man he'd only just started to get to know?
And why did he want to hear Jude out?
"Is Amelia okay? I shouldn't have run off like that. Should we go back?" Grayson asks, guilt gnawing at his stomach.
"No, she closed the place down for the night… I took her to a hospital, just in case. She's fine, furious at me." Jude glances at Grayson from the corner of his eye. "I'm going to take over Paul's position, for a bit at least. It's the least I can do."
"Don't you work full time?" Grayson asks, quizzically.
"Yeah. I'll, uh, figure it out. She agreed the kitchen would be closed until I get off of work. My hours are pretty flexible, so it should be fine. I think."
"She's mad, huh?"
"More than I've ever seen before, and I've seen her break someone's nose before."
Grayson nods knowingly. "Sadie Atkins."
Jude gives him a hesitant look. "You guys really are friends, huh?"
"Friends. What else would we be?"
"I don't know, she's never had a boyfriend before…or at least, she's never introduced me to one. So I didn't know what to expect." Jude looks sheepish.
Grayson stares at him blankly. "This is why people shouldn't talk in metaphors. God, and I thought I was being so clear too." He shakes his head, unsure of who he's more disappointed with. "When I said no cheerleaders I meant no. Cheerleaders. Get it?"
"Oh." Jude's ears go pink. "Got it."
"You honestly can't tell me you had no idea, I have not been subtle."
"Well… People are complicated, they can," He makes a swinging motion with his hand. "I didn't want to assume."
"So, earlier… not a hate crime?"
Jude's mouth hangs open. He stutters, "No! No, of course not. No hate, whatsoever!"
Grayson thinks for a second, then nods. "Okay… I think I can work with that. Under one condition."
"Anything." Jude looks hopeful.
"Stop with the big dog routine? I'm not going to do anything to intentionally hurt Amelia…or you. You're going to have to put some faith in that, or I'm gone."
Jude looks askance for a while. He clears his throat. "Um. Yeah, I can do that."
"Good."
They walk in a more comfortable silence, arms brushing up against each other.
"Wait, I've changed my mind…" Grayson starts, stopping suddenly.
Jude pauses, cocking his head to the side nervously.
"Amelia guilted you into working for her for an indefinite amount of time, I haven't guilted you into anything!" Grayson looks genuinely distraught for a moment. "D*mn, I already gave away all my leverage… Rookie move."
"Oh." Jude sighs in relief. "Grayson, you can guilt me into whatever you want for the rest of our lives, I don't think I'll ever forgive myself enough to accept anything else."
Grayson tries to push down the butterflies he gets at the phrase 'our lives.' He smiles at the ground. "I'll keep that in mind."
"Any demands yet? The sooner I bribe you into forgiving me the better."
Grayson hums. "No, not yet. Let me know if you think of anything good though, I want to make my first guilt bribe a good one."
Jude looks down at Grayson with a smile.
"I'll think of something, I'm sure."
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