Bab 213: [Chapter 212] What Neris Wants
Neris was huddled in the old dormitory of the Noble Academy, clutching her knees.
She now knew that this wasn't a normal place. A place where time kept going back, over and over again.
Here, she had spent time from the age of twelve until the summer of the year she turned twenty, was adopted by the Elandria family, married the Crown Prince, and was murdered, only to return to the age of twelve again.
This had happened about ten times already.
Precious people had died, and her new family continued to abuse her. And finally, abandoned by Nellusion, Neris was killed by Valentin. No matter what she did, the situation never changed.
It was precisely because of this fact, that nothing changed no matter what she did, that Neris realized this world was strange.
Even when she revealed that the accusation against Angarad was false, even when she told Diane not to trust Nuallan, the people in this world didn't listen. They simply repeated their past words and actions, as if they were predetermined. And only the bad parts.
She had even tried to seek help from Cledwyn in this world. But he didn't show up much. It seemed he was almost absent from her memories.
Bang! Bang! Bang! The children who had come looking for her were banging on the door loudly. Neris sighed. They would break the door down. It didn't matter much, because the door would be fixed again when they came back after being bullied.
"Neris Trude! Open the door!"
"Tru-de! It's no use hiding!"
Among the voices filled with base pleasure was Megara's. Megara whispered in a gentle voice.
"Come on, Neris. What are you doing hiding in there?"
It was ridiculous. In reality, Megara had never actually come to Neris's dormitory. Someone like Megara, who cared about her dignity, would never come to such a dirty and shabby place.
Therefore, all of this was a kind of illusion, and it was definitely magic. The problem was that she didn't know how to get out of here.
The door began to break. Cold sweat ran down her face. Just like when she had faced them in the past.
'I'm okay.'
Neris whispered to herself.
There was no reason for her not to be okay. This was all a lie, and her mother was alive and well. Diane was alive too.
She was the Grand Duchess, and now no one she knew from her school days could treat her lightly, not even Valentin.
Even though she knew all that.
'It hurts.'
Her chest ached, as if it were being stabbed. When she was subjected to the same things she had suffered in the past, she could physically endure it, but her heart ached too much.
Even though she had fixed everything. Even though she had changed everything. The wounds she had already suffered hadn't healed.
Because the scars that had already formed would remain there forever.
The past was a thorn that was ready to tear her apart every time she looked back at it.
Crack, thud. The door was more than half broken, and beyond it, she saw her classmates, their eyes shining with glee, laughing. They watched Neris, their eyes not blinking, enjoying themselves.
Megara approached and spoke sweetly.
"Why won't you come out, Neris? You've made us waste so much time. It's so shameful and sad that you're in our grade, you should comfort us who are so sad, shouldn't you?"
Yes, yes. The children all chimed in, laughing. Neris looked at Megara with disdain and said.
"There's a lot to be ashamed of. Isn't your humanity shameful?"
As expected, Megara didn't even pretend to hear Neris's words.
"Neris, what did you expect? Who did you think would like you?"
Her heart tightened as if it were being gripped by someone's fist.
Neris hated herself. They were just illusions, nothing more. Everything she had actually suffered was in the past. In fact, she had taken revenge for every grudge. Even if it made her uncomfortable, she had gotten her revenge. Because she thought it was hers.
But it wasn't satisfying.
Seeing their attitude towards her, the same as when she was powerless, made her suffocate again.
Their gaze, seeing her as an object to be used, a laughingstock, a source of amusement.
How long would she be trapped?
It was just a memory.
A humming sound came from somewhere.
…Neris, wake up.
Wake up?
It's no use if I wake up. It won't lessen the pain at all. Neris looked down at the floor with bleak eyes.
She missed Diane. She missed Ren. She missed Cledwyn. If they were by her side right now, she wouldn't be afraid of anything.
'But.'
They weren't.
Several rough hands grabbed her arms. And without giving her time to get up, they dragged her small body out of the dormitory.
The old stairs and the thorny floor. Her delicate skin was constantly bumping and scraping, quickly becoming a mess. But Neris didn't care, knowing that once this was over, it would all magically return to normal.
They all sang together as they walked towards the boring lake.
Trude, Trude, the pretentious Trude.
The brilliant knight's daughter, Trude.
You're too noble to play with us.
We have to go get you ourselves.
Yes, there was this song too. It had been forgotten among the countless things Neris had suffered in her previous life.
This song, with its childish lyrics and melody, had also succeeded in hurting Neris. Just like all the other means of bullying the children had gleefully conspired to create.
Those who say you can just ignore it don't know anything. Especially when you're physically powerless, when countless people all say you're worthless, there are very few who can deny that assessment.
You can rebel outwardly. You're wrong, I'm the same as you, there's nothing different about us, I have my own strengths too.
You know you have to say that, but even if you can pretend to not care, deep down, you slowly die.
That's how fragile human judgment is.
Neris spoke to the boy in her class who was dragging her by the arm, her voice filled with contempt.
"You're cowards. You have no pride."
The boy laughed loudly.
"You're talking big for someone who can't even shake me off. You're noisy for someone who can't even shake me off. Shut up, you smell."
"You're the one who smells. How could you not smell, with your rotten head that has nothing important in life except for hearing a compliment from your classmates? Whether you drag me or insult me, it doesn't benefit you. You just want to look cool in front of the kids."
The boy's face hardened. These were crude illusions, but they had reacted quite a bit to Neris's rebellious words. Perhaps it was because the suppression they had inflicted on Neris for all those years, for all her possible rebellions, remained in her subconscious.
A star flashed before her eyes. The boy, with a lightness that belied the violence he had just inflicted on his classmate, grinned.
"Crazy bitch. Yeah, you're smart. Everyone knows. But you know what? You're just our toy. You think you're something special just because you can talk? Don't act like you know anything."
Her body trembled. Violence didn't make you numb to it. Some violence was etched so deeply that just seeing something similar made your whole body remember all the pain and humiliation, incredibly fast.
The children soon reached the lakeside. An elegant tea time was prepared by the lake, which smelled of fish.
A white table and white chairs. Luxurious teaware. The only things out of place were the black coffin prepared by the water and Neris, covered in dust and dirt.
Thud. Neris was thrown into the open coffin, and she froze at the sound of the ripples against the edge of the coffin. The recurring nightmare gave her a headache.
Ah, she knew this was an illusion, so what could she do?
Everything would repeat itself. In the end, she would forget who she even was. The people who had cared for her, the miraculous connections, would all be nothing more than fireflies that soon faded away, without meaning.
"You're dead."
Megara, dressed in a lovely dress, declared happily. The coffin was pushed roughly into the lake.
'I'm dead.'
How wonderful it would be if that were true.
Her heart pounded. Neris licked her dry lips and closed her eyes. She was too tired to resist. She had already tried to break the coffin and douse the children with lake water early on in this illusion, but it was no use.
…Sleepyhead.
A humming voice echoed.
Was she now hearing voices? Neris huddled, keeping her eyes closed. But a moment later, she felt a sense of unease and snapped her eyes open. The coffin, which should have been swaying precariously and gradually getting wet, was now stable, as if it had reached land. She couldn't hear the sound of water either.
She slowly got up.
It was certain. The coffin was in the middle of the lake, but it wasn't moving at all. It made sense. The lake itself was now 'frozen'. Even the slightest ripple.
What was the illusion trying to do? Was something being done from outside to get her out of this illusion?
Looking at the lakeside, the children were also standing still, as if time had stopped.
Her heart felt like it was going to burst. It felt like she was trapped in the worst possible time. But for some reason, her heart fluttered at the voice she had heard earlier.
It was then. The children's colors gradually faded, and some of them were erased. She opened her mouth slightly.
The humming voice became clearer and softer. And soon, it echoed as loudly as if the whole world was speaking.
…My wife. My beloved Neris. I miss you so much because you don't look at me. I'll die of loneliness if you don't talk to me.
It was Cledwyn's voice. Not the shadowy boy from her memories, but her 'real Cledwyn'.
Transparent tears welled up in Neris's eyes instantly.
'Why I keep hurting.'
She finally understood.
Why just hearing someone's voice could make her feel this way, why the past illusions could feel like nothing at all.
The voice of someone who loves me, that alone.
I know what I want.
I don't want to hurt you. I don't find any joy in that. It's not fun.
Just a little bit. Anyone will do.
I have no merits and only make people uncomfortable, but if you have a little bit of spare room…
Love me.
Like me.
Tell me I have value, even if it's just a speck of dust to you.
Tell me I can live.
The surroundings were enveloped in a bright light. The coffin was erased. The lakeside was erased. The children were erased. Everything turned white.
Even Megara's violet eyes, the last thing remaining, were wiped clean.
Neris had cried until she couldn't breathe. She lay face down on the white floor, howling like a beast. Like a newborn baby, she craved the air she could breathe.
She asked, not knowing if he could hear her.
"Can I, I, look at you? Really?"
Tears.
"Am I, not, disgusting?"
Face.
"I, really… I might be a person who only makes people uncomfortable…"
Covering.
"Other people's, hearts, are, so… sob, so, difficult! So, maybe, sob, someone, will, hate, me… but, still!"
Something.
"Me! Me, like, this, me… someone, who, likes, me… sob, I, can, believe, it… can I?"
Melted.
"Really… do, you, like, me? You, like, you… a, good, per, son… like, me, like, this… sob, I, can, believe, it, can I? I, have, value… sob, you, think, so… can, I?"
Something deep inside her heart.
Even though it wasn't completely melted yet.
She finally felt like she could accept that what she had wanted for so long was by her side.
She felt like she could believe that the wounds from the thorns of the past would heal.
Her husband's voice, much closer than before, spoke with a hint of laughter, as if whispering in her ear.
Of course.
Someone stood beside Neris. Neris raised her head.
Diane was looking down at her. Not the Diane who was leaving in the illusion, but the adult Diane who had told her she liked her.
On the other side, Ren stood this time. Not the Ren who had died from a Pezalcho overdose in the illusion, but the adult Ren who had told her she should have everything.
They both smiled. Neris.
Slowly opened her eyes.
Status Power Mingguan
-- Peringkat
Power 
-- Power
stone