Bab 86: Chapter 85: Hu Tao's Live Stream
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"Turns out you guys are all little trolls too! Ha ha, me as well..."
***
"Hello... Can you see me? Hear me?" Paimon pointed the phone camera at herself while speaking.
With her puzzled expression, she flew around erratically, almost making viewers dizzy from the shaky live feed.
"I can see you, but stop moving!"
"Huh, I can't hear anything!"
"Yeah, no sound here!"
Noticing multiple comments about the lack of audio, Paimon quickly adjusted the settings and leaned closer to the phone, asking, "Hey, everyone, can you hear me now?"
"Still nothing..."
"Nope, still silent!"
"Oh, let me try again..." Feeling helpless, Paimon paused mid-adjustment, then realized something.
"If you can't hear me, how do you know what I'm saying, hmph!" Paimon pouted, clearly disgruntled.
"Haha, Captain is so adorable!"
"By the way, what kind of creature is our Captain? Flying without wings, impressive..."
"Uh... probably a Slime, maybe an Anemo Slime!"
Holding the phone with one hand, Paimon placed the other on her hip and retorted, "I am Paimon, definitely not some Slime!"
"That's right, Captain! Is this stream aimed at taking down Ji Taimei? I've had enough of him too!"
"What Mondstadt Choir? Never heard of it; they're bringing shame to Mondstadt!"
"Yes, even foreign merchants know about them. Now, we hesitate to admit being from Mondstadt abroad!"
***
Paimon scratched her head, feeling slightly embarrassed. "I... I'm currently in Liyue, mainly to show everyone its customs and traditions!"
"Oh, got it! I thought you were going to take down Ji Taimei's internet presence!"
"Disappointing, but here's a small gift for you, Captain!"
***
"Hehe, can you guess what I'm doing right now?" Paimon pointed the camera at a large cauldron within a Hilichurl camp and asked with a grin.
"Are you eating Hilichurls?! That's not okay!"
"Yeah, broadcaster, please don't do that..."
Paimon quickly waved her hands. "No, no, no! I wouldn't eat Hilichurls. Instead, I'm having Sweet Madame Chicken, hee-hee!"
"What, chicken? Did little troll cook some chicken feet?"
"Our Ji-ge is too good; from now on, let's avoid eating eggs laid by him!"
"As a neutral viewer, even I can't bear this anymore. What has she done...?"
"It seems like I'm the only true fan of Ji-ge. She's truly remarkable!"
Watching the audience she had nurtured grow, Paimon couldn't help but smile happily.
Then, she discreetly leaned closer to the phone and whispered softly, "Let me secretly tell you all, we're here for Rex Lapis' funeral in Liyue."
"So why are you guys here? What's the purpose of that huge pot? Is it 'Stewing the Emperor,' turning everyone into immortals?"
"Uh, is this really appropriate to broadcast?" Paimon scratched her head, puzzled. Could they truly be cooking the Emperor?
Observing Paimon talking to herself, Zhongli felt suddenly perplexed. Did she also suffer from Xiao's peculiar ailment, perhaps even more severely? After all, Xiao only occasionally spoke aloud, while it seemed Paimon's condition was quite advanced!
"Zhongli, how do we select Noctilucous Jade here?" Paimon looked at Zhongli, asking curiously.
"Cook..." Zhongli replied mildly.
"Oh!" Nodding, Paimon hung the phone around her neck.
"Traveler, please clear the nearby monsters for us," Zhongli said softly, addressing Lumine.
"Sure!" Lumine nodded and drew her Dull Blade.
Paimon followed closely behind, filming Lumine's combat scenes.
"The Traveler looks so amazing; why didn't I notice before...?"
"Cough, cough! And what could you have done if you did notice?"
***
In no time, Lumine had driven away all the monsters. Zhongli approached and calmly instructed, "Place three pieces of Noctilucous Jade inside to boil and observe which one glows brightest!"
Meanwhile, Paimon's attention was fixed on a nearby bonfire with Hilichurl-cooked food—apparently, it was Sweet Flower Stew with Slimes! She swiftly flew over, eagerly scooped out the stew, and began devouring it.
"Oh my gosh, our Captain is living so humbly!"
"I can't take this anymore; don't stop me, I'm tipping generously!"
"If even Ji Taimei gets such substantial tips, our Captain deserves no less. We can't let those brainless folks look down on us!"
Unbeknownst to Paimon, her voracious appetite inadvertently earned her numerous tips. Hmm... if she knew, perhaps she'd start munching on grass from the ground instead!
Paimon filled another bowl and offered it to Lumine, but Lumine declined, focused intently on the changes occurring within the pot containing the Noctilucous Jade.
"Would you like some?" Paimon turned to Zhongli, asking.
"No, thank you!" Zhongli shook his head; he wasn't desperate enough to steal food from Hilichurls.
Hearing this, Paimon happily continued eating. Surprisingly, the Hilichurls' cooking skills weren't bad at all!
Soon, they identified the brightest piece of Noctilucous Jade.
***
Hu Tao mindlessly scrolled through her phone; Zhongli, that old fossil, wouldn't even let her handle Rex Lapis's Rite of Parting.
He kept saying she was too young, but wasn't Zhongli himself quite young? Who knows who the real Director is anymore! Hmph!
However, rumor had it that many expenses incurred during the Rite of Parting would not be reimbursed by the Ministry of Civil Affairs. So, Hu Tao decided to stop pestering them relentlessly—the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor's funds weren't infinite either.
Besides, despite praying to Rex Lapis for better business, nothing seemed to change.
When Zhongli mentioned he had support from influential connections, Hu Tao let him take charge. As long as the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor didn't have to bear the costs, she was fine with it.
Hu Tao opened a live stream app, hoping to find some innovative ideas while browsing videos. Unexpectedly, she stumbled upon Paimon's stream, which had a large audience.
"Huh, what are they doing?" Hu Tao watched as Zhongli and Lumine appeared to be cooking something together.
"Are Hilichurls' pots really better for cooking? I should give it a try next time," Hu Tao muttered to herself. Despite following Xiangling's exact steps, her meals never quite tasted as good.
As she scrolled through the bizarre comments in the chat, confusion set in. Why did they make sense individually but not when combined?
After extensive research, Hu Tao reached a conclusion: In Mondstadt, there was a basketball trainee named Susan who ate some flavored fried fish and subsequently grew black chicken feet.
"Hmm... Mondstadters sure are peculiar. But can this hallmaster start streaming?" After a moment's hesitation, Hu Tao decided to venture into live streaming.
In this rapidly advancing era, Hu Tao wasn't like Zhongli, an old relic; she understood the importance of keeping up with the times.
"Fueled by boundless energy, my heart soars like an eagle! Feeling incredibly confident!" With a mischievous grin, Hu Tao opened MiHoYo Live.
Bab 87: Chapter 86: Broadcasting Live from the Funeral Hall
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Following the instructions, Hu Tao initiated her live stream.
"Uh-huh, let's just call it 'Wangsheng Funeral Parlor Grand Sale,' heh heh!" With a chuckle, she began her inaugural broadcast.
Soon enough, many unsuspecting Mondstadters, drawn by the promise of a grand sale, flocked to watch—assuming there would be discounts and deals aplenty.
After all, Mondstadt's streaming industry was rapidly expanding. Who could have predicted that Diluc casually filming his wine estate would attract hordes of "booze enthusiasts"?
However, Diluc insisted it was merely a spontaneous video with no hidden agenda. Despite their disappointment, the visitors couldn't sway his decision.
Nevertheless, Diluc did announce plans to select a few lucky viewers from the comments section, gifting them with prized wines from his collection.
But on that very night, Diluc discovered a fugitive, the bard Venti, hiding in his wine cellar.
Caught red-handed with several bottles of fine wine, Venti tried to argue that for a poet, taking such items wasn't theft but rather appreciation.
Determined, Diluc prepared to escort him back to the Knights of Favonius for a fair trial. However, just as they were about to leave, a sudden gust of wind swept through.
When Diluc opened his eyes again, Venti had vanished without a trace. The Knights of Favonius vowed to intensify their pursuit.
Venti, holding another bottle of wine, sat atop the colossal tree at Windrise, drinking heartily. His life had been incredibly tough lately; not only did the Knights of Favonius ban his account, but they also put him on their most-wanted list.
This left him with no source of income, forcing him to rely solely on apples blessed by the Anemo Archon for sustenance. Desperate, he pulled out his phone to check Lumine's whereabouts, hoping she might spare some wine for him.
"Welcome! I am Hu Tao, the seventy-seventh Director of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor and a bard of the Little Alley Faction's dark humor school. Today marks this humble director's first stream, so I've prepared a special treat for all of you—hee hee!" As Hu Tao read the incoming comments, she chuckled mischievously, building anticipation among her viewers.
"What is the Little Alley Faction? Sounds intriguing!"
"Wangsheng Funeral Parlor? Never heard of it in Mondstadt. What do they do?"
"Can't you see the location? It says Mondstadt right there!"
"This girl is adorable! I'd love to be friends with her!"
***
"Ahem, Big Qiqi's sick, Little Qiqi looks on, Third Qiqi gathers herbs, Fourth Qiqi howls..." Hu Tao cleared her throat and began singing, demonstrating firsthand what it meant to be the Little Alley Faction's dark yet witty bard.
"Why do I feel so creeped out? It's like there's a ghost right behind me..."
"Don't scare me! It actually sounds pretty good!"
***
"Today, this humble director will showcase our Wangsheng Funeral Parlor's offerings. If anyone is interested, feel free to purchase; everything is at a 50% discount!" Hu Tao chuckled mischievously before stepping inside the funeral parlor with her phone.
Inside the central area of Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, several neatly arranged coffins were displayed, adorned with white stickers. Above them hung white lanterns inscribed with the character "Ming," meaning underworld or death.
"Lalala, these are our Wangsheng Funeral Parlor's coffins, renowned for their exceptional quality. And remember, we're a century-old establishment you can trust!"
Hu Tao gleefully introduced the coffins to the audience, but the viewers seemed utterly bewildered.
"What are these? Beds?"
"Coffins, what do they mean...?"
As Hu Tao read the comments, she felt puzzled. How could so many people be unfamiliar with coffins? Sighing, she realized that perhaps her efforts to educate the public about mortality had fallen short.
In truth, many residents of Liyue stumbled upon this live stream. However, as soon as they saw the name "Wangsheng Funeral Parlor," they hastily scrolled away, invoking emergency avoidance measures.
After all, Hu Tao regularly distributed pamphlets around Liyue to educate people about death.
Seeing the confusion among her viewers, she didn't get upset; instead, she cheerfully explained, "This coffin is where we rest after passing away."
Her tone then turned slightly serious as she spoke slowly into the camera, "The yin and yang have their order, yet fate remains unpredictable. Death may be unforeseeable, but it follows its own rules.
Remember, regardless of time or place, no matter the reason, one should never take death lightly. Only by understanding and respecting it can we truly appreciate the value of life."
"Suddenly got very deep there, but it makes sense. While I don't know when adventure might lead to my demise, I won't recklessly engage in pointless risks."
"Indeed, provoking death isn't something to do easily. My friend once dared to urinate at the base of the Statue of the Wind God, claiming he feared nothing, only to be promptly swallowed up inside."
"OP, though I sympathize with your friend, I couldn't help but laugh!"
***
Hu Tao suddenly chuckled and began recounting some amusing incidents from funerals she had conducted.
"Once, there was a client who initially planned to scatter white flowers along the procession route. However, they mentioned their late father loved celebrations, so we switched to red flowers instead. Then, out of nowhere, a group stopped us, demanding wedding red packets..."
"And guess what? We handed them funeral money instead! You should've seen the expressions on their faces, ha ha..." Hu Tao then produced some new funeral money from Wangsheng Funeral Parlor.
"Who's this person depicted here? He looks quite dashing!"
"Hmm... Could it be Yanwang, Emperor of Liyue?"
"You guys really don't know much. The Emperor of Liyue is actually a massive dragon, as big as Dvalin!"
***
Hu Tao grinned as she looked at the screen. "As you can see, Wangsheng Funeral Parlor offers exceptional services tailored to our clients' diverse preferences. Some wish for a serene send-off, others desire a lively celebration of life, and then there are those wealthy families who prioritize grandeur during the burial process. Our approach should always depend on what they specifically want."
"Hmm... Sounds great! I wouldn't want to depart unnoticed either; after all, I'm a remarkable adventurer!"
"I still prefer tranquility - just bury me atop Starsnatch Cliff where the wind whispers its tales!"
"Personally, tossing my coffin into the ocean seems appealing; perhaps it'll allow me to journey across Teyvat even posthumously."
***
As Venti watched Hu Tao's stream, an idea suddenly struck him. This young lady seemed to be Morax's boss.
Whenever Morax purchased something, he'd send the bill directly to Wangsheng Funeral Parlor.
Venti hesitated for a moment—where could one find better perks than at the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor? Besides, given his relationship with Zhongli, getting introduced to her shouldn't be too difficult.
With that thought, Venti effortlessly leaped and transformed into a gentle breeze heading towards Mondstadt. A faint scent of wine seemed to linger within the breeze.
"Alright, that's all from this hallmaster today. If you have any needs, please remember to trust none other than yours truly!" Hu Tao waved cheerfully while reading the comments on her phone screen.
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