Bab 89: To be the strongest but not enough
[Seiji's POV]
It's not enough.
I am not doing enough.
I am not enough.
I hated the demons for all the bad things that happened. I despised them to the very core.
But close second, I hated myself for allowing all the bad things to happen.
I believed for a moment that I was enough. I let the fact that I was the strongest Hashira and the fact that I never faced a challenge in a fight, get to my head.
Strongest Hashira? Really? Did I really take comfort in that title?
Hashiras, those people combined wouldn't be able to take down Muzan in a fair confrontation. And I was satisfied with being the strongest amongst them?
Give me a break.
I was happy when I saw the events of Rengoku manga unfold. I was happy to see him stronger than he was in canon, I was happy that Mitsuri was also stronger and safer.
I said I was hopeful.
I was a stupid stupid stupid pathetic fool.
Hopeful? Really? Was that the best I could do with all the gifts and the knowledge that I possess?
Being hopeful was not nearly enough. Being hopeful made me do things I did not want to do, hope allowed the people I love to suffer.
I shouldn't have been hopeful. Instead, I should've been certain.
Maybe then, Kanae would not be lying in bed. Maybe then, she would not have lost her eyes.
I see now all of my shortcomings. I couldn't even protect the girl I love, how pathetic could a man be?
I knew that she would be killed by Doma for the longest time. But the best I did was take precautions, the best I did was prepare when I should've gotten rid of the problem in the first place.
So there, that was the problem with my mentality.
I was only reacting.
Even with all the gifts that I had, even with all the opportunities, I was still only reacting to the course of fate.
I shouldn't be reacting, I should be the one who dictates the course of my life.
Instead of preparing and trying to prevent Kanae from meeting Doma, I should've gotten stronger and find that motherfucker, kill him before he ever laid a hand on her.
That's what I should've done instead of training and hoping I was strong enough to save Kanae when she met Doma.
You see, that's where I got it all wrong.
I shouldn't be protecting them, I shouldn't be saving them.
Rather, I should kill all of the demons instead so that they wouldn't harm anyone in the first place.
...
Not enough.
If I continued like this, if I was only reacting, I put them at risk.
I should be the one dictating and they should be the one reacting. And I need more power to be able to do so.
That was the case when Yoriichi was alive. He was the one dictating the course of the war, he invented breathing styles, traumatised the Demon Lord and forced him to go into hiding.
The demons were hunted during his era.
I need to do the same.
*Ting*
*Ting*
*Ting*
I was sitting beside Kanae's bed and I looked at the alarm on the table near the pillow. I was not sure why I even bothered setting that up when I was literally deaf. But the vibration it produced reminded me of the time so I guess that was helpful.
I got up from the chair I was sitting on and changed the IV which was now empty. It took me only a minute to change it and I was back on my seat, watching my sleeping beauty.
To be honest, I did not want her to wake up. I hoped she remained like this for a while.
I didn't want her to wake up in a world of darkness.
I could imagine how terrifying that would be. After all, I woke up in a world of silence every day.
"Don't worry, I will find you a cure," I said and my hand snaked to grab her hand. I allowed my fingers to intertwine with her dainty ones and I held it tight.
"I will not allow you to live in darkness forever," I told her and kissed her hands.
I was doing these quite often, talking I mean. If she woke up before I could cure her, then her hearing would be how she perceive the world.
I definitely did not want to be someone who rarely talked when that happened. I would need to talk a lot, to make sure she never felt lonely and was always aware of my presence.
I also made sure to speak correctly, without the weirdness that people often point out. When she woke up, she wouldn't be able to see my absolutely attractive face anymore, but I still had to be attractive in her new world of darkness.
So I need to have the smoothest, loveliest, manliest voice ever.
"While we are on that, let's talk about how we are going to fix your blindness," I said to her as if she was conscious and she could hear me.
"Eye donation was the first plan that came to my mind. It should not be possible to transplant eyes in this era but it's Shinobu we are talking about here, she might find a way to do it," I said.
"Or maybe if the eye transplanted on you was extremely special, then maybe it can succeed. A pair of special eyes like mine for example. But I am only willing to give you one eye because I would be a vegetable if I lost my vision too whilst being deaf. And that will also have to wait until I kill Muzan Kibutsuji since I need both my eyes to fight," I said.
It was a very shabby plan. One that had a bigger chance of failure than success but who knows?
"The next is that we find a way to let your eyes heal naturally with surgeries and medication. I am not too hopeful of this one though,"
"Another possibility is that I find a demon that can heal. Nezuko can heal impurities caused by demons so anything is possible when it comes to blood demon art. We can even get that demon lady Tamayo to help us, she should be more well-versed," I said and allowed a few minutes of silence.
"Well, there isn't much opinion is there.." I chuckled mirthlessly, "But there is one more option that I absolutely hate but one that has the greatest chance"
"We turn you into a demon," I said and even I could not believe the word that was coming out of my mouth. "After you get your eyes back, we will turn you back into a human. There is an example of Nezuko turning back into a human so it's possible. But I will need your thoughts on this one," I said.
"This plan would also require me to do quite a lot of things. First I will have to find Lady Tamayo and make the same deal that Tanjiro did, she will make the potion to turn demons into humans and in return, I will have to work for her and get the blood of the 12 Kizukis. Then I will need to find the Kamado family to locate the blue spider lily. It was due to their connection with the flower that Nezuko and even Tanjiro were able to conquer the sun and resist Muzan's control, you see." I said and laughed. Of course, she doesn't see.
"Finally, I will need Muzan's blood to turn you into a demon."
"That sounds feasible, doesn't it?" I asked and moved a hair from her face.
I did not have an issue with her being a demon. It will only be temporary and I was not stupid enough to deny the advantage of being a demon just because of the absolute hate I had for them.
Tanjiro's family was killed by a demon but he still loved his sister when she became a demon. Its because love was stronger than hate.
I was a racist against demons, sure, that remains true. But even a racist can't deny the advantage of having a black team to win a basketball match.
"Obviously, I will keep on trying to find better alternatives. Just give me time, will you?" I said.
Silence.
"I love you,"
..
..
..
[IMAGE]
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Author : Interesting ways to heal her eyes right? And please take what he said with a grain of salt, he is confused but I already know exactly how to heal her.
PS : I got the idea of Kanae turning into a demon from that one photo and short story JONTY posted. Anyone remember that evil yandere Kanae that locked Seiji in the basement?
Thanks for reading.
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Emmanuel_Capricorn
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