Bab 5: Hoping for better times
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Slowly, I opened my eyes and found myself in an unfamiliar setting: a simple yet lovingly decorated room, with a huge bed on which I was lying.
"Good morning, Ama-chan! How are you?" I heard Amaterasu's voice in my head. Immediately, cruel memories flooded my mind, and I began to sob.
"Go away! I can't bear to hear your voice anymore! I don't want this! I hate everything!" I screamed loudly, sobbing, and hid under the huge blanket. Please don't think of me as a crybaby... remember, I was just a tender 13-year-old at that time, torn from my beautiful, perfect world.
I could feel Amaterasu's dismay and sadness, but she respected my wish. I was alone again in the bleak and sorrowful world of my thoughts, the gruesome images of severed limbs and split heads replaying in my mind.
Through the door, I could hear muffled voices, which I soon recognized as my parents and Hina-sama. Then there was a gentle knock on my door, and I heard my mother's concerned voice: "Amateran, it's me, your mama... may I come in?"
I didn't respond, but inwardly, I hoped my mother would come in, even though I didn't have the courage to face her as a murderer. Tears ran down my cheeks as I heard my mother's loving and worried voice.
The door slowly opened, and I felt someone sit down on the edge of the bed. "Hey, my dear, I thought I could show you our new house? Thanks to rising tourism, your father got a new job, and we could afford a lovely home..."
At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to share my parents' joy, but I lacked the strength. Convulsive sobs began to shake my body until my mother hugged me through the blanket and soothingly said, "Or we can stay here, and I'll hug you all day!"
I couldn't hold back any longer and began to sob loudly, yelling at my mother, "Get away from me! I'm a murderer! I don't deserve your love! I should just stop existing!"
"I know, I know..." my mother replied, starting to cry softly as well, "Hina-sama told us everything, my dear... I know it sounds like a lie, but it wasn't your fault! And even if it were, your father and I would never stop loving you! Not only because it's our duty as parents, but also because you're a wonderful, lovable person!"
Her words broke through like sunshine in my dark, gray world, and I hugged my mother back, screaming out all the sorrow in my heart with a tortured cry.
My mother held me in her arms until my father came through the door and, without hesitation, enveloped both of us in his strong embrace.
Several days passed where I lay in bed, trapped in my thoughts, the only bright spots being the time I spent with my parents. Amaterasu gave me space and understood that I needed a break from her. But I could still feel her presence in my thoughts from time to time, her concern for me touching me, even though I didn't realised it at the time.
The healing of my emotional wounds progressed slowly, but there were always moments that set me back days. For example, the first time I looked in a mirror and saw dried blood on my face. I spent almost two hours trying in vain to wash it off, until I screamed and tried to scratch my face with my fingernails. Fortunately, my mother heard my screams and brought me back to bed.
The worst were the nights, filled with dreams of my bloody deeds, waking up drenched in sweat and tears.
Two months passed before my father persuaded me to step out into the small garden behind the house. There, I saw a small but beautifully designed shrine, which my mother said had been consecrated by Hina-sama in the name of Amaterasu.
She told me this with pride and joy, but all I felt was shame. Shame for failing in my duty as Amaterasu's blade. Shame for disappointing Amaterasu. But at my mother's insistence, I eventually agreed to pray to Amaterasu and talk to her about my thoughts and worries.
Slowly, I walked toward the shrine, my mind full of doubts about whether Amaterasu would even want to speak with me. In hindsight, I feel a bit foolish for these thoughts, considering Amaterasu had repeatedly visited me in my heart and checked on my well-being. But back then, I was too emotionally confused and hurt to make such a connection.
In my mind, I didn't deserve Amaterasu's grace. I had broken the pact in her name; I had disappointed her as her blade.
Unsure, I approached the shrine and followed the traditional rites for the first time in years.
First, I purified myself at the temizuya, a purification basin, where I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth.
Then I entered the shrine area through the torii, the gate marking the transition to the spiritual world.
At the main sanctuary, one usually throws a coin into the offering box, but since I had no coin, I threw Hikari no Ken in its talisman form into the offering box.
I then pulled the bell rope to summon the goddess, bowed deeply twice, clapped my hands twice, and prayed in silence.
"Amaterasu, I know you probably hate me right now and don't want to hear from me. I have utterly failed in my duty as your blade. I have returned Hikari no Ken as an offering because I am no longer worthy of holding such a pure and sacred sword in my hands.
I understand if you want to withdraw your blessing from me and punish me.
But please, do not let your anger fall upon my parents."
Finally, I bowed deeply once more before respectfully preparing to leave the shrine. But then I heard Amaterasu's angry voice.
"Mitsukawa Amateran! What do you think you are to me! Young man, you have just made me incredibly angry! Do you think I hate you because I disappointed you? Yes, I have disappointed you! It should have been my task to prepare you for your duties, but I failed! Your actions are my actions, not just because you are my blade! And what kind of image do you have of me?! Punishing your parents?! Do you think I am such a vengeful goddess? Have I given you that impression?!"
Startled, I looked back at the shrine, tears welling up in my eyes.
Amaterasu's voice softened: "If so, I want to apologize to you for that... you are a special person to me! Whether mortal and only distantly of my lineage, you are my grandchild, Ama-chan. And yes, I love you! Oh, you have made me so angry just now! You are lucky I was banished from the earthly plane... otherwise, I would have given you a good spanking! And now you're just staring at me?!"
"Thank you... Thank you, Grandma! I love you too..." were the only words I could get out before my eyes filled with tears of relief and joy. I felt the sun's warm love shining on my face, and for the first time since the Shibuya incident, I had a smile on my face, even if it was small and brief.
From that day on, I felt progressively better. I spent the next month bonding with my parents, exploring the area around our new house, and having long, deep conversations with Amaterasu.
However, my dreams continued to haunt me, and worse still was seeing myself in the bathroom mirror. Every time I looked, my reflection stared back with a cold, emotionless gaze. My blonde, almost white hair was speckled with red blood. My left eye burned with white solar fire, as if mocking my joy over mastering the technique "Itachi no Amaterasu." My face was smeared with blood, and it dripped from my hands.
"Can you see this, Grandma? Is this my true self?" I asked in a silent prayer.
"I can only see it through your thoughts, and no... that's not you. You are a loving and good person. I can't change how you see yourself, but I can help you become stronger so that something like this will never happen again. Ama-chan, I have a question for you."
"Yes?"
"Can you imagine being my blade again? Susanoo gave me a clue shortly before he disappeared, and his words turned out to be true. The three sacred treasures were stolen from the imperial family. If you want to continue being my blade, your task would be to retrieve them. But I must warn you, Susanoo or one of his followers is likely behind the theft."
"What if it happens again? If I'm manipulated again?"
"Then, before you set out, we'll ensure that can never happen again. I will train you anew, even harder this time, even though I can't personally descend to Earth. Let's prepare you to face Susanoo."
"If you can promise me that... then yes! I want to be your blade again, Grandma, and I will take revenge on Susanoo for what he did to me!"
Status Power Mingguan
-- Peringkat
Power 
-- Power
stone