Bab 1: The Gray Man
In the midst of the bustling city, there is a mysterious man known as "The Gray Man." He is a shadow that passes by without leaving a trace, as if invisible to the eyes of those around him. However, behind his calm demeanor lies a deep emptiness, a void that is difficult to explain.
The Gray Man leads a solitary life, distancing himself from social interactions and emotional relationships. He feels alienated amidst the crowd, longing for lost meaning in his life. Every step he takes feels like wandering in emptiness, searching for something incomprehensible.
The gray man I refer to is myself. I call myself the gray man because the color of my life is gray. Not white or black, but gray.
Do not misunderstand me, I am just an ordinary human being. But it is true that I am like a shadow. Because I am here but no one pays attention to me.
I am currently in a park, observing a variety of colorful flowers. Bees peacefully collect nectar from the flowers, and they also help the flowers grow lush.
Mutual symbiosis is the interaction between two organisms, whether of the same species or different. In a broad sense, the interaction between bees and flowers can also be categorized as mutual symbiosis, provided that both benefit equally.
Knowing this knowledge makes me realize that I am knowledgeable as a human. But that's just it and nothing more. There is no happiness growing in my heart even when thinking about it. Because it is just something "ordinary" that can be done by others as well.
There is nothing to be proud of in me. Without being different and labeled as "unique". It is fitting for me to call myself "the gray man".
But even so, I do not need pity. Honestly, I do not suffer from feeling this emptiness. I just feel lonely, and loneliness is something common to me, because I am used to it.
"Being used to it is not good! You are just forcing yourself to adapt in a place that is uncomfortable for you!" the most precious woman in the world said to me. Maybe she said that when I was still in elementary school, maybe...
I appreciate those words, but I only appreciate. I am too afraid to speak to others, because I am afraid of hurting someone's feelings.
It could be said that I am a "loser", but I do not mind being called that. If being called a loser keeps me from hurting someone's feelings, that is enough reason for me.
"Meow~..."
I have not introduced this small creature yet. This small creature that often meows all the time. This cat's name is Liam, I took care of him when I saw him almost being swept away by the river.
At that time, no one tried to help him. Everyone felt sorry, looked worried, but did not have the courage to jump into the river.
There were some people who took the initiative but they went down the stairs.
"Even running will not make it in time, stupid! He is almost drowning!" I thought at that time. I wanted to shout like that, but I knew it would only make me hated by others, so i don't do that.
Seeing the cat almost drowning made me not regret what I saw that day. It made me jump right away just to save him, and made myself go home with wet clothes.
"You fool! Why did you jump like that? Do you want to die?" said the most precious woman in my life.
Let me clarify that I mean my own mother. But it is the truth that I consider her like that. There is no doubt in my heart, in fact, I feel like I should hit myself if I doubt that.
In saying that I am stupid because I jumped that day. Maybe she is right, because that day was the middle school festival where I attended school. But my wet clothes and my mother's worry about my condition prevented me from enjoying the festival that day.
But I do not regret doing it. If being called stupid makes me not regret it later, then I proudly say that I am "stupid".
Because regret is more painful than being called stupid. Moreover, there is nothing wrong with being stupid. At first, all humans are stupid. But learning can make you smart. So there is nothing wrong with being stupid.
But if a stupid person does not want to learn to be smart, maybe that person is not stupid, they are just lazy.
Unfortunately, I am not a lazy person. Because being lazy is worse than being stupid.
All of this is just my thoughts, I do not say that everything I think is right, but I consider all my thoughts to be true. Because if I doubt myself, then who else can trust me?
It does not mean I do not have friends, it's just that having "friends" alone does not make my life more colorful. Loneliness and emptiness still haunt me. My fear of the unknown future makes these two feelings stronger.
The stronger these two feelings get, the longer I think alone, and until I reach a point where I have thought, "what is the point of living like this?"
It does not mean I want to commit suicide, it's just that I feel like I have nothing even though my needs are met. Stable family finances, friendly and harmonious family, and a healthy environment.
I have many things that can make me happy. I should feel like that but I do not. I even ask myself.
"Why am I so weird?"
But the answer to that question I have known for a long time, even since the changes in me began to show. It all started when I was little and had an accident.
The injury to my head caused damage to my brain. But the doctor said I was fine. Everyone I knew worried about me and always asked about my actual condition. But I just smiled and said, "yes, i'm fine."
I said that clearly and without doubt. Because I really feel like that.
But slowly that answer became a doubt in me. I realized the change within me.
Before that... the world was full of bright colors. But after that incident, I felt my world became dim. All colors seemed to mix with gray. It was then that I felt there was something strange about me.
"What really happened to me? Is it because of that accident?" I started asking about things that were unclear and unreasonable to myself.
I realize I only made such conclusions just to satisfy myself and not think about it again. But... I just hope that assumption is correct. My disappointment will surely decrease when I know my assumption is correct. So I hope that I really changed because of that accident.
But I do not care anymore about that. Many years have passed and I haven't found the real answer. Also I am not sad or tortured. I just feel empty every moment. And just feel lonely even around many people.
That's right... Just loneliness and emptiness... And I am used to it... So i think that's fine for me... For thinking like this...
Hadiah
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