Bab 6: Chapter 3: Past Events_2

Upon arriving at Sea City, she was settled into a beautiful cage. During that time, Zhou Shu doted on her, cherished her deeply. Indeed, Zhou Shu cherished her from the bottom of his heart, one might say he would reach for the moon but never stray to pick the stars.

Zhou Shu told her that from the moment he saw her, he was bewitched, and she had fallen into his heart, never to be forgotten. Day and night he thought of her uncontrollably, which is why he had assumed another's identity to marry her. She was cold to him in response. To desire is to possess, even to the extent of assuming a false identity to have her. Being loved by such a person was the greatest tragedy of her life.

Just when he felt utterly disheartened, she became pregnant. Learning of her pregnancy, Zhou Shu was ecstatic, treating her more like a precious treasure than ever before.

Human hearts are fleshy; over time, Zhou Shu's kindness wore away the icy shell around her heart, gradually melting her cold interior, although she still appeared indifferent on the surface, her heart was wavering. Regardless, she was now carrying his child, and Zhou Shu was the father. For the sake of her child, she had to compromise. For her child, she could no longer continue in confusion.

But just as she was convincing herself to accept Zhou Shu and preparing to be a good mother, she was struck by a harrowing truth. She had not married Zhou Shu, but had been sold to him. Zhou Shu had a wife and children; she was merely a concubine purchased by Zhou Shu. Ready to resign herself to her fate, she despaired utterly.

Zhou Shu called her an equal wife, which was truly laughable. What equal wife, where did this notion of equal wife come from? In noble households aside from the legal wife, all others were concubines. Moreover, not having served tea to the Matriarch in the main courtyard, she could not even be considered an official concubine. At best, she was just a concubine kept for her beauty.

Zhou Shu's doting incited madness in the women of the main house's inner court. Her pregnancy further unsettled these women, including the legal wife. When she was utterly desperate and distracted, she was schemed against by Zhou Shu's women. She lost her child as a result.

She was heartbroken, yet also felt a sense of relief amidst her grief. It was perhaps for the best. Being born out of wedlock, the child would have been lowly, burdened with a humble status, facing disdain from others from birth, living a life unable to stand tall. Nor did she want her child to be unable to proudly call her "mother."

Not only did these women plot against her child, but they also solved a future problem for her. She could no longer get pregnant or bear children for Zhou Shu. Perhaps this was better.

Over this matter, Zhou Shu madly punished the women of his inner court. Even the legal wife came to plead with her. In truth, she envied them. She wanted to die, to end the suffering, to be free. Unfortunately, she was unable to fulfill even that desire.

She really didn't understand, what was good about her? Why Zhou Shu had fallen in love with her? Why he would disregard life and death, spare no means to have her (in ancient times, merchants impersonating scholar candidates could face severe penalties if caught). What was it about her that bewitched Zhou Shu? Looking in the mirror, staring at her beautiful face, she thought perhaps it was because of that face. She resolved to destroy that face, the face that had brought her disaster. Once ruined, Zhou Shu would let her go.

She used a golden hairpin to slash her face, leaving several cuts. Thus, a face as lovely as a flower now bore many deep, terrifying scars. She had become a creature others feared.

She thought, no one would want to face a monster. But to her surprise, even having become disfigured, Zhou Shu still did not abandon her. He even held her hand and said, "No matter what you look like, I love you." And indeed, as he had said, even though she had become a creature others feared, Zhou Shu continued to dote on her as before. Whenever he had free time, he stayed by her side, talking to her about all sorts of things, from trivial to profound.

After having sought death countless times unsuccessfully, and even disfigurement not setting her free from Zhou Shu, she gradually became numb. Unable to live or die, she endured life as though she were a soulless puppet. She thought, endure, one day she might endure herself to death.

The doctor said he was overwhelmed with melancholy, needing to dispel this heavy gloom if he was to live long. Zhou Shu was coincidentally going on a long trip for business, and he took her with him following the doctor's advice to let her clear her mind.

After many unsuccessful attempts at suicide, she had not sought death for a long time. It was not that she didn't want to die, but rather that she wanted to find an opportunity that could truly end it all, without being saved again. Perhaps over time, including Zhou Shu, those around her had relaxed their vigilance.

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