Bab 46: 6. Bad Day.
Number one never came to me again. There was nothing new on that and I overheard such a very interesting conversation on my way out when I had only a day left.
Damon and Mariella were in bed. The door was ajar, and I could not help but stop and listen as I heard Damon speaking. a thick luxurious rug covered my footsteps.
His voice was dreamy almost, " Darling, you know, so you know me better than anyone, and you know I'm impatient. I've been scanning Mimi's thoughts for almost three days now, and I still can't find those nightmares, and you know what? Forget it, then. If the lady doesn't trust me, then no. I can't do anything about it, and I can't. I'll wash my hands of the whole creature. It's wonderful that she's in the pack, but I wish she'd start trusting a little more. I've shown her everything. I've opened myself up to her. But when she doesn't, she doesn't. Well, fuck it then."
Damon sighed. I was not surprised at all. He thought he had shown me everything, but in reality; he had not shown me a damn thing, not in that way that he would have changed so much as he said.
Mariella stroked Damon and said, "I'm glad you've noticed this yourself; for me, for us too; the time is coming, and you must be in the right frame of mind; maybe sometimes Mimi will trust someone. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all. We're Damon, remember that. We're a couple, and Mimi just has to learn how to deal with it."
Oh, I did, and fast. But I wasn't even disappointed. And I wasn't surprised. They had no idea what my life had been. Why did I have so much trouble trusting and opening up?
Maybe the whole seven years hardened and cynical me so much that I couldn't be bothered to care—I didn't even want to. Let those two be a couple. Damon is just as impatient and just as much of a weather vane as ever, and nothing has changed in that regard—nothing at all. Let them be the so-called alpha couple in this pack. I don't care; I know my strengths and my weaknesses too and I had just gotten one more.
Neither does the fact that I still have to fend for myself; Charles can't handle the contents of my head, and none of the pack can. Although some memories surfaced, the worst ones were still painfully crystal clear in my mind, and I didn't think I'd ever show them to anyone. I can't break Damon. Charles is strong. He was even stronger with his mind, and if what he got from me, made him go almost cuckoo, Damon can't handle my memories either. He will just roll them over in his mind and not get anything done.
I had tried to put them on memorial stones, but the stones just broke. You can't erase terrible memories. I mustn't cheat; I just have to learn about my place in the pack. There is a new alpha pair in this pack, and they always sit next to each other, always together.
I felt the burns begin, and I wandered on my own. I knew I could do this myself because the other females in the pack were close to making their cubs. I had my birthing place set up already. The cubs always went to the magic house a week old when a new crop came into the world.
I was so pleased that I hadn't completely softened up yet because then I would have been crushed. Yes, I remembered all those feelings. I had gone through them in those few days. I'd eaten by myself. No one was any more interested if I ate correctly or if there was watching me. I'd seen Charles watching Mariella, the whole pack watching. I went to my puppy room and started pushing the puppies out.
Even though I was alone, I knew that if I had had my five here, they would not let me do this alone, not even Dexter, and I had no idea if they actually loved me or just worshipped me. I had had someone more or less to back me up and ironically, ever since I came to pack, no backup. Not in the sense that I had had. As said, each of them had helped me in one thing or several, and now, no one helped me as I was not Mariella. I had to again be alone, be strong. Not care.
I used my compounding power to give myself a boost and endure the whole birth. It didn't take more than 48 hours, no one came to ask me anything. I was sweaty, and trembling from the exhaustion but I had done it. I had 777 puppies. I gave the drips and flanks myself, knew where they were stocked, and fed the puppies at the same time I gave birth. They were huge, and I had to use quite a lot of my power to get this done. I was focused on this.
Then, when I dragged myself to dinner, the entire pack was there, and Mariella was in the lead; she and the others had been cut up, and the puppies were given to the magic house directly. Nothing had changed, nothing at all.
I had gone in to shower. My face was pale, I was looking like shit and I did not care. Pack, especially Mariella, looked good. She was the epitome of health, even pregnant, and she cooed with damons. They weren't so keen to nurse now, but the puppies would be a long time coming, and at some point, they could nurse, too. I took my food and said nothing to anyone.
Bran and Samuel had also come into the pack and looked at me for a long time. Samuel saw straight up I was not fine. I could see a so familiar glint in his gaze even though it had been ages since I had last seen him in that mood. I concentrated on eating.
Giving birth alone had triggered my instincts to surface, and I needed to get to my kittens. I gulped, not caring if my stomach was even full, and went to my cubs. I had hidden my room, by masking it with my power, and I had also put out again pheromones that made everyone stay away.
My room was huge. I had gotten this on the middle floor and it had been one of the not-so-perfect rooms, but it was big and I had made it into my den. I had thick curtains over the windows so cubs would be in a dim, sheltered place, and this was a very warm room. I wasn't in cat form when I was just a human.
I gathered my kittens into a bed and sorted them by species. Everything was perfect. I had here 34 species, some of them were those that I had never gotten inside me but I could do them. There were also 34 hydrids, so their species was the question mark. A whole new species, that is. I was happy and did not pay attention until a voice from the doorstep made me raise my gaze.
"Young lady, I have a little inkling of what you've been through, a little inkling, and I can help well, first, with the care of the kittens. You look like you could use some help and maybe some TLC. I came here first because Samuel was really close to taking you to medbay and doing a proper checkup. We came here to help with the care, and no one else has kittens to be cared for—except you," Bran said from the doorway.
His voice was genuine and god knows my relationship with Bran had been tumultuous over the years and decades. Now he meant what he said.
I lifted my head and said, " You don't have a clue. Not a clue. No one has. And Damon can't bear me. No surprise there. He just isn't happy when I don't melt into his arms right away. He has changed, but not so much when it comes to me, and I do remember our first breeding season. It was just his alpha side out, not him, and it was again the same thing. Mariela is the one he wants. He sees me as a challenge, a puzzle to be solved."
Bran came into the room and picked up one wolf pup and sniffed it, enjoyed the smell of the pup, and said, " A trauma like that, all those times, all those years, every single decision you made was tinged with anger, despair, rage, and now you wonder what would have happened if you had gone nowhere. Even you had those five to help you. Samuel told me about that one time when you ended up in our hospital and Colin took you away there. Even Samuel would want to help."
I replied, "Those five were protective of me and they still are. If only Colin would know that I had given birth 52 hours to over 700 cubs alone, he would blow a fuse, but I had no choice. Wulfe would probably put a curse over the entire pack. Dexter and Murdock would move me somewhere else, and Magnum would make sure that no one would get me. "
Bran grunted. He did not like that at all, either. I decided to tell to Bran when I wanted to tell someone, but I had to be sure Damon didn't find out. I didn't want to feel like a medical panic when my head was being screwed with. They would use those drugs in order to get me in a vulnerable enough state to find those memories, and that was the last thing I wanted.
I said, " Now you have to be sure that you want to hear this and not tell anybody, because these things went to a place in my head that Damon can't get to. I can't get there either. Except in my dreams, and that's why I don't sleep."
My voice was barely a whisper, and it had a sense of dread, too.
Bran sat down next to me and said, "Go ahead. I'm not a slacker mouth who tells Salvatore everything right off the bat. Samuel might be too hot for Damon. I don't. I can be with a man, but I am not in love with Salvatore."
I sighed, picked up the bracelet, and said, "I found this in my stash. Damon made it for me once, and I put it on my wrist, but Damien had snatched it at some point. The last time I remember wearing this was the opening of our hospital, meaning the session where he killed me the first time. His witch and wizard friends had made each stone into a memorial stone. I have no idea when he gave it back, it must be hidden somewhere so I will find it when the time has come. This was his last backup plan, the last torture for me, so I won't forget him ever. As you can see, there are quite a few stones here. Every stone contained either a shed session or a teaching/enjoyment session in Damon's body. Meaning it is very hard for me to get to my mind when I see these sessions that it is Damien, not Damon."
I touched the now cool stones in my hand.
I continued, " I already saw the start of one of the shed sessions, but I didn't tell Damon. These are my memories, not dreams, and I experience them as accurately as when they were made. I don't want my head being poked and prodded. Here is Damien's last message. I will not gonna tell this to anyone else than you, not right now."
I gave it to Bran.
Who was shocked, was silent, and said, "I don't blame you, not at all. That was as creepy a message as you can get, and I understand. But one day, the little girl you need to learn to trust and then give that message to someone else. You'll find they'll help. No one probably wants you to go through all those dozens of shed sessions. They'd better find them and get rid of them before they hurt you anymore. It is not your destiny to suffer alone, believe me, it truly isn't."
I looked at Bran and said, " What I went through during those seven years was so horrible that I don't want to remember it, and that's why I've made a hiding place for them again. Sure, there are always loose memories that the salvatores have faded, but the worst ones—the most horrible and traumatic ones—I will let no one into them." My voice was now tight. I was not gonna budge on this one.
I explained, "Because whatever I sent Charles was so bad that he had to sleep for a couple of days and have a head cleanse, I don't want to traumatize anybody else; if Damon gets those memories, he'll see them. Then I am a victim in his eyes, or at least so broken that he can't fix me anymore because I don't know where I'm going myself."
I sighed, and Bran squeezed my hand. He somehow understood. Or at least it felt like it.
"I feel like there is pressure on me, as I should magically be okay and tell all. I can't, not yet anyway. And then when the whole pack is worshipping the little princess who praises Damon for just being with her. I don't think this pack has fundamentally changed that much, at least as far as I'm concerned. I'm in the pack, married, and now the whole pack can get back to fucking and worshipping Mariella after they have removed every bit of that Damon. I might have had something to say to him, too. But that Damon, I don't take other women's husbands. "
Bran sat for a moment and stroked the puppies. He looked at my hybrids and took one in his hands which was wolf lion, or something like that.
He said, " We can help take care of them. That would be lovely. It has been such a long time and you seem to have here whole new species. Look at this guy. Oh, it is he, well, he might have a minor identity crisis when he grows up. He is a lion and wolf, so which species will he identify or will be as unique as his mother? You must be so proud of these."
I sighed and said, "I am proud of them and they are lovely. When comes to me getting help, I don't know if the venerable pack leader finds out that I'm looking after my puppies. Will he send them to the magic house right away? I don't want that. I want to care for them. I am not a fucking machine, the dick-hungry little princess who gets fed up being a mom after a few litters."
Bran sighed and patted me on the shoulder. He said, "You are right. I could see right away that there were quite many fucking machines in the house and they were not interested in caring for pups but making new ones. We will be around and here is my personal cell number. If you need help caring for these, we are more than ready. Marrok sends his regards. He is currently in Europe, working with Alaric right now."
Then Bran stood up and walked away. As I continued to examine my puppies, I thought to myself that at least now I wouldn't have to go to the medical facility to be tortured and studied when all I had to do was fall asleep. This was like some sort of horror movie where in your sleep happens bad things. I also knew that now every shed session memory was available, and none of them were good, but I kept them firmly tucked away in my head so the puppies couldn't get at them. I had not told him or anyone else, not even Charles, every shed session. And now these almost 50 new ones made my tally being over 100 sessions and most of them in Damon's body, talk about relationships.
I understood Damon's reaction completely; he would want to help, knowing he could, and I would not let him. He's impatient, strong, and a weathervane. But why I didn't show or tell him was simply because I wasn't sure where I was and if Damon was going to jelly me up some more.
I had trouble trusting him, at least when I had woken up and a few days after it. In the dream, it was Damon, not Damien, and I couldn't get it into my head right away, but I couldn't admit it, or he would have guessed right away what this was all about. I sat there on the bed. I put the kittens back in their box to sleep for several hours before it would be time for me to eat.
Status Power Mingguan
-- Peringkat
Power 
-- Power
stone