Bab 19: Sincerity is a Bitch
It was a revelation. Something so obvious yet so elusive.
The reason I couldn't get to know more about Nash was simply because I wasn't sincere either.
All this time, hearing his backstory was my only goal. Where was the sincerity in that? Maybe this was the lesson that the system wanted to teach me, or maybe it was just the result of my connection with the senior.
Just like I felt a sense of trust with her, I wanted to be good friends with Nash. And even Baldie to some degree.
We were in school.
Lunchtime rolled up the next day.
Sincerity. I was someone who had just been staring at the ceiling all these days while calling life bland.
For someone like me, there was only sincerity in my goal of becoming a web novel author. But it was also something personal.
I didn't want to share it with others. Not because I wasn't serious about it, but precisely because I was.
This goal, this dream was something that I held quite dear to myself. I didn't want to show it to others.
In the end, though, the result of sincerity came through goals and intentions. That was the only way I had felt it.
Nash was sitting next to me again, we started having lunch at my table. Baldie had left for the cafeteria.
I took the chance.
"Hey, Nash. What do you want to do when you grow up?"
Nash looked at me and gave me a wry smile.
I turned toward him, ready to hammer this line further in. "I mean in the future, what are your plans? Goals?"
"That…" Nash muttered, turning his eyes away. "Nothing big, I think I'll join a college. Maybe science."
"That's good. Like, what do you want to do though, astronaut?"
Nash shook his head and chuckled.
"No, I mean… I haven't thought about it."
I closed my mouth right then.
Nash looked slightly bothered, he chuckled awkwardly in an attempt to brush over the topic.
Stupid me. I was being insensitive.
If someone had asked me what my goals or ambitions were just a couple of months back, how would I have reacted?
It would be something similar to what Nash was doing right now. It was only natural for it to be that way.
Not many people thought a lot about their dreams.
It was a bad mistake that soured the mood between us.
***
Lunch ended and the last few classes resumed.
That was when something unexpected happened. Very welcome too.
"You kids have it easy," said our physics teacher. "Back in the day…"
It was a moment for every student to cheer. The class was going to be breezed over and this teacher was going to go on a tirade about his life.
But for me, it was much more tense than something that simple. It might as well be the difference between life and death.
It was a stroke of fortune.
"So, my professor brought me in front of the entire class, all 200 students in the degree, and he humiliated me in front of everyone. He said if you can't even do these simple calculations, then forget about physics."
The old teacher grinned as he recalled his memories.
"I remembered that day forever. It settled in my bones. I knew I had to do something, something that could prove him wrong."
Of course, no one was paying any attention to him.
Except me.
Not because I was interested in his story or because I thought teachers should be respected, to hell with that.
But for another reason…
"So I did. In the end, I was the best scorer in his class."
[Ding! Congratulations, you have got the first backstory]
"Hell yes!" I screamed out loud, both my hands raised high.
Everyone turned to face me. Most of them had weird looks on their faces.
I realized what I had just done and a deep blush covered my cheeks.
"You!" The teacher called out. He was bald too, his head was shining brighter than my social life in this class. "Your name… Edward Eckart, right?"
"Y-yes sir… I am so—"
"You get it! He gets it. Very good, make sure you study well, I have high hopes!"
"T-thank you…?"
The bell rang and the teacher packed up. He left me another word of encouragement before leaving, and most others gave me funny looks.
The smart popular kid, Ray looked my way and laughed. We were on nodding terms, this was bad.
I chuckled back, and he waved me bye before walking out. Maybe not that bad.
As the class started to empty, I packed my bag too, and waited for Nash in front of his desk.
"That was funny," Nash muttered.
"Not you too. I wasn't cheering on his story."
Nash shook his head.
"No, the story was good too. It was admirable…"
He seemed off. His eyes were trailing away.
"The bit about fighting back to prove his professor wrong? It's admirable. It's definitely not easy to do."
A wave of realization washed over me.
I knew what he was going to say next.
"Even if someone humiliated me, I don't think I'd bother with trying to prove them wrong."
Nash's words were exactly as I had expected.
Life is bland. That creed had been holding me up all this time, behind every thought I held.
Getting angry at some insults from your professor. To me that seemed foolish. It was an emotional investment I didn't think I could make.
And just like me, most other kids in school were in the same boat. It was only a rare few that took things to heart. The rest of us, like me and now Nash, we wouldn't bother with it that much.
But was it the case?
A deep sense of incongruence was brewing in my heart. All this time I had thought of sincere people as idiots. But was that truly so?
If I had to look back…
I was, probably, running away from that sincerity myself. Everything I did, I did half-assed.
This was just another reflection of it.
No, maybe I was being too hasty to assume things with Nash. I had done just that around the senior.
In the end, there was only one way to learn, and that was by finding out more about Nash as a person. Before I made any judgments, I had to truly see him.
If the question earlier was weird, then I could use a different angle.
"Nash, what do you enjoy?"
"Yes?" Nash asked.
"It can be anything. I really like manning the reception at my shop. People are such idiots sometimes. I also like reading webnovels."
"Webnovels…?" Nash muttered. "I have read a couple."
"Yeah, stuff like that! Anything you enjoy?"
Nash hummed a bit and then spoke up.
"I… really like games."
I had hit my goal.
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