Bab 19: Insanity
The car stayed silent for a while. The only noise was the engine and grandma's soothing humming.
She didn't explain anything more to me, and only gently caressed my head. The warmth from her fingertips traveled from my scalp to my whole body.
I stayed silent, unwilling to think about the marriage I just got myself into, about Marcos, Christopher, and the mysterious Diva's attack..
When we reached our destination, I found a familiar place. This was my previous home, the place where I lived after so much chaos had happened in my life.
Grandma had picked me up from the clutches of the criminal world.
Which, ironically, was the fault of my dear parents.
When I was forced to choose who I should be with, the overwhelming conflicting feeling I felt was unrivaled.
Between my mother and my father, I ended up supporting my father. My decision was obvious for various reasons.
My father did nothing truly wrong. Cheating was unjustifiable, that was true. But was he the only person? I had my doubts, my mother was acting so strange at times too…
And unfortunately, or fortunately, my mother had no shame to hide her lovers from me. When father started to neglect her, she opted for younger boys who could satisfy her.
My younger self found out that her parents were in the same position, one however, was so loving to her. And the other only pushed her aside. Why did she need to tell anyone anything?
Both were at fault, but my younger self had decided to not care about that. She ignored it as much as she could. Because her father loved her and her mother didn't.
It was somehow fucked up. I knew, I was deeply aware. Painfully, I forced myself to think otherwise.
For that, I paid greatly. Physically and mentally.
That love proved itself to be only worth much when the real deal happened.
I wished I had known.
My mother apparently noticed father's strange behavior; she didn't want to let that slide without an investigation. The results were relatively easy to find out.
He was terrible at hiding things. Or perhaps he just didn't want to bother with hiding them. Both my parents were shit like that.
Something I realized very late.
My father lost his love to my mother long ago, and there was no true reason for him to be afraid of being found out.
Or so he thought.
Once mother found out about it, just as I expected, she lashed at everyone, the house was flipped upside down. My father's reaction to that was disappointing, he was the first to leave the house.
My head ached at that memory and I subconsciously held my arm, despite no traces being left now, I remembered the pain clearly.
Finding no one to vent her anger on, my mother trapped me in a room and questioned me to tell her everything I knew. Especially about my father's whereabouts.
He didn't tell me anything, how was I supposed to answer her? I told her multiple times. Yet, she didn't believe my words at all.
What was I supposed to say so she let me go? With each passing second, I felt more haunted by her crazy appearance despite her not being there all of the time.
I felt like I was tortured there. Starved, with no water or any other source of comfort. In addition to the fact that no one was there to save me.
Not my sisters, not my father, no one…
At last, I had a breakdown and exploded in her face when she questioned me once more. My mental condition was only worsening.
Bad decision, no, it was the worst decision I made. Although I technically never even chose it, the circumstances forced me.
My mother's insanity flared up, she chained me and beat me up so hard. My body was beaten black and blue, and as if not enough, she grabbed an iron rod and heated it up.
I didn't know what was about to happen.
Unable to imagine what may happen next, fear paralyzed me. My body was shivering.
The next thing I remember from that was the searing pain of my arm being burnt. It forced me awake from my daze, causing me to struggle and scream at the top of my lungs.
Everyone knew what was happening.
Yet, no one tried to save me.
After suffering through that torture for only god knows how long, my father finally decided to come back. I finally entered his radar again, but after what?
I felt something inside of me breaking.
But I still smiled gratefully at my father. He was my savior, he chased the devil away despite her sour threats.
Hugging my feeble, frail body, he sincerely apologized to me. Again and again, he repeated, "Alice, oh Alice… I'm so sorry."
"Little Vixen?"
Someone touched my shoulders, making me flinch.
A soft gasp escaped my lips at grandma's voice, I opened my eyes and tried to shake myself awake. What just happened? My head was too dizzy to think.
Grandma was staring at me with concern written all over her face, she touched my forehead and frowned.
"You're burning up."
Ah. I must've been too absorbed in my memories…
Haaa. Stupid me. This surely caused some stupid fever to spark. How pathetic, idiot Alice.
I wished Mei was awake now to handle this, she was the strongest between us both.
"It's nothing, grandma."
I told her while forcing myself to calm down. I couldn't show her how pathetic I was now. Although she wasn't a fan of mine and I had no reason to pretend in front of her, I didn't want to disappoint her any more.
She was sick, she needed to have the best rest and the most peaceful mind.
I held her arm and tried to steady myself. My knees shook, but I took a deep breath and looked ahead of me. That memory was a nightmare, but this place was a good heaven.
I pushed my feelings away and smiled soothingly at my grandma,
"Let's go home now…?"
She smiled softly at me with a tired sigh but said nothing more. She seemed to understand my intention and played along with me.
Yeah, let me try to forget about those stupid memories for now.
PERTIMBANGAN PENCIPTA 
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