Bab 14: Family
After Mei fell asleep, Christopher finished his job with Marcos and quietly left the room, leaving me to succumb into the past alone.
I was supposed to rest like a good girl, to try and heal my body, but I suppose such a thing was impossible.
Was it a good thing or a bad thing? Who knows.
I just remembered those days from my past. When I was a child, everything started happening that day.
Being born as the third daughter to my mother, and taking her ability to conceive with my birth, I wasn't the most loved child, for my mother, at the very least.
My father wanted a son, but I took that away. I was but an infant who could not think or do anything. Unfortunately, my mother did not realize that.
It was funny for me thinking about it now. How my father, who wanted a son to be his heir, accepted me and raised me well. And my mother, the person who should be showering me with love and affection, hated me to the bone.
When I was two years old, I was forced to understand that my mother only fed me by obligation. She threw me after it to the maid, my memories as a baby were naturally unclear.
But some incidents will forever be remembered.
My father actually liked me a lot. I was his favorite daughter because my elder sisters lived away with my mother's family, away from him.
He was lonelier than my mother thought, not because he didn't have an heir, but because his kids were sent away. I still remember that day when he broke down while hugging me.
In our family, I believed my mother to be the villainess. Some people say that the villain is just a victim whose story was yet to be told, but I couldn't relate that last part to my mother.
She victimized herself whenever she could, she was always the victim in her stories. While my poor father had to put up with everything else. It was quite pitiful.
I befriended my father and helped him to get out of his loneliness, our relationship became closer and deeper. I loved him dearly, and he did the same.
When I was 10 years old, I stumbled upon something I shouldn't have seen.
I saw my father with his new lover making out in his office.
The scene was too shocking for me, I screamed and my father found out. But instead of threatening me to keep this a secret, my father guided me gently to the office, tidied himself up and explained everything to me.
He told me that his life had become so gray, that he was so hurt by everything. He wanted relief, a person who would love him and aid his safe haven.
The tone and the way he acted hurt me greatly. I asked him, desperately, about why I wasn't enough for him. He calmed me down and told me that the love of his child was a different type of love than what he lacked.
Before my existence, his world was bleak. Complete black without anything to bring any happiness to him. I made it better.
My younger self wanted to refuse believing that. She wanted to tell mother and to achieve some love points with her.
I fought myself daily. Not knowing whether I should be a bad girl or a good girl. But more importantly, what would make me each of them?
My thoughts scrambled.
'If I told my mother, would she really love me?'
'Would I be a good girl by telling her, which means I didn't break her trust?'
'But does she even trust me from the start?'
'Wouldn't she be more angry if I told her?'
'What about my father?'
'He loves me the most.'
'He never mistreated me, unlike my mother.'
'He always showed me the right way. Shouldn't I just help him out this time?'
'If I snitch, I'll be a bad girl.'
'My mother will blame me, either way.'
So what did I have to choose…?
Until this day, I am unsure. Was my choice correct, or was it wrong? Every story has two, no, every story has countless sides.
At that point, I treated my life like a game. In that game, I was faced with the following prompt:
[Your father who loves you dearly is now exposed to having an affair. He expressed his deepest and sincere apology to you, and asked you to hide this secret from your mother.]
[What are you going to do?]
My younger self Played with her phone, creating that game. After drawing the prompt, it was now the time for the choices:
—[Do nothing.]
Effects are unknown.
—[Tell your mother.]
Effects are unknown.
—[Support your father.]
Effects are unknown.
I wanted, I wished, to have some guide after drawing that all. How I wished for my life to be nothing more complete than a game, with a guide that explains to me every choice and its effects.
If I did nothing, what would happen? Would everything go back to normal?
If I told my mother, aside from her rage that would be projected on everyone, what would happen?
If I supported my father, he would be happy, our relationship would strengthen, but what if my mother found out?
Doubts, struggles, and possibilities tormented me. I was but a child, yet subjected to that kind of environment, I could only grow up faster than I wanted.
No matter how much I regretted my choice, it already happened. So many things happened as a result of it too.
At the end, was that when everything started?
When I made my choice, it was the same time that Mei and I met.
My mind was growing heavier with all of these emotions and feelings, finally making me sleepy enough to try to sleep.
Good or bad, I think I no longer care. Everything had happened and ended.
If the time turned back… I still won't change my decision.
Because changing it meant that Mei could disappear.
PERTIMBANGAN PENCIPTA 
ExQuartz_Roachina
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