Bab 19: Chapter 14 ( Un-edited)
Chapter 14
Drunken Tree Guards vs Shroom-Nose. Continued.
Trolls are stupid. No, that's not a sufficiently accurate description. They're really fucking stupid motherfuckers. I'm not kidding. I read that if they don't have someone around to tell them what to do, they'll drool and be stupid. I thought it was slightly exaggerated and just a journalist writing it as a joke.
But I was utterly wrong. They are much dumber than that. During one of the programs that discussed the "outstanding" players of the week, Jim Johnson showed an episode of a match between a Orc team and a Goblin team. So one of the teams, to my surprise, it was not goblins, but orcs, decided to take the enemy troll out of the game, for this purpose on the edge of the field they brought a big boulder and painted a female troll on it.
It seems to be an idiotic idea, how the hell can you confuse a real troll with a boulder painted green with a crooked face with a supposedly sexy smiling troll on the front. That idea was doomed to fail.
Yeah, that's what anyone who didn't know anything about trolls would think. When the trolls of both teams were brought onto the field they stood stunned at first. Not even paying attention to the fact that the game had started, they just stared at the boulder, drooled and made weird body movements. At some point, it was as if a light switch had been flicked in their heads, and they all rushed at the painted boulder simultaneously. An excited troll is force multiplied by lust. And if you add regeneration to that, it's pretty bad.
It was the dumbest, most horrible and disgusting orgy I'd ever seen. And I've had experience using the internet. The poor boulder...at the end of the recording they showed that all that was left of it was shards covered in liquid.
What did I get out of it? Trolls are stupid, but very dangerous freaks who need to be crushed not only by force, but also by brains. And it is better to do it in such a way that trolls have no chance to return to the fields. And there's nothing better than fire to fight them. This is the reason for the ban on flamethrowers and Molotov cocktails. Or rather the insane bribes demanded by referees.
Not wanting to pay those greedy bastards, we practiced the drunken master's trick with Rook and a wooden alcoholic - hot pepper breath. For this we bought Kislevits vodka, which used hot red pepper as an ingredient in its creation. Other options like local moonshine and vodka from Altdorf didn't give a strong enough fire when lit.
Of course, not without incident and Treeman had to grow new twigs and leaves several times. And Rook had to order a special rune of protection from fire and a special elven ointment for hair growth. Gradually we managed to make a kind of self-propelled flamethrower. Of course, our Treeman doesn't blaze far and doesn't last very long. But that's not a problem for me, Blood Bowl is mostly close-range combat, not half mile range elven archery.
After drinking a couple of large bottles, our Treeman staggered drunkenly from side to side into the center of the formation. God, he stinks, even from here I can smell the odor of alcohol and the slight sting of pepper.
Poor Korhil, with his more sensitive nose, was about to vomit. But he was outrun by one of the enemy trolls who, after the referee blew the whistle, accidentally inhaled the alcoholic odor of Treeman and vomited a lot.
- Graaaarrrrrrrrgh!- Treeman roared, both angry and shocked at the same time. - Vbrar! Drooooorrrrrgh!
My skills in Treeman language not as good as Korhil's, but the way our lead alcoholic spoke made it impossible to doubt that he was cursing.
- Hrar! - the Treeman drew in his breath and let out the alcohol stream thick as fog.
- Fuck! Too soon! Too soon! I should have taken two at once! Rook down! Stand down! - I shouted, seeing that Rook had automatically lit his cigar and brought it to the tip of the alcoholic fog.
Then there was the sound of a very large candle being lit, and then hell broke loose.
The troll lit up like a match and screamed in pain. The fire consumed him completely. He went into a state of agony and frenzy. He started waving his arms aimlessly and running. Rook was hit by a paw and sent for short flight. Treeman also took a couple of hits, but calmly withstood them while trying to reach for the beer keg attached to his body.
The troll's teammates also took a good hit. The goblins closest to him were also set on fire, and those who were out of range were hit when Troll started waving his arms wildly in pain.
But that was just the beginning. Apparently, the mushrooms that the goblin team's specialists had been munching on were pretty bad for their brains. And in the case of a psycho with an iron orb, the effect is at least doubled.
- Ha-ha-ha-ha, hee-hee-hee-hee-hee. Ryaaah! - laughing madly, the psycho began to spin his orb, not noticing that he was standing mostly among his colleagues. The goblins were flying like bowling pins. Even the supposedly sturdy dwarves, who bragged that they were not so easy to send into flight learned the power of impact of a large metal orb on a chain under the control of a crazy goblin.
And the accident, after which everything on the field has gone to hell, was when the goblin team bombardier flew away in the direction of the burning troll because of the hit of the iron orb. Apparently the concept of goblins and safety are incompatible. Because contact with the burning troll ignited the fuses on the bombs. Then there was an explosion. No. Explosion!
I don't know what or how those bombs were made of, but they exploded in such a way that everyone in the center of the field was thrown to the ground and knocked out. If the dwarves and Treeman were saved by armor and natural stamina, goblins were not so lucky. Even the troll himself was torn to pieces. But I didn't see what happened next. I was hit by the troll's severed head, which hit me like a cannonball, knocking me out and leaving a small dent in my helmet.
- Pour. Pour more. -I began to regain consciousness, but the sounds were coming from far away, and the ringing sound made it hard to make out what was being said.
A liquid poured into my mouth, which like divine ambrosia relieved the feeling of thirst and hunger. The pain went away and only a pleasant warmth remained.
- Good! - I wheezed loudly and smiled. - More!
- Huh. What did I tell you! There's a reason he was awarded the title of Azumgi. If he were half his height shorter he'd be the perfect dwarf. Give him another special Bugman's! And shove your sniffing salt up your tutor's ass. Bugman's is the best medicine! - I open my eyes and see Uzraz grinning beside me.
- Uzraz? What's going on? - I ask him while holding a cold mug of beer to the bump on my head and occasionally taking a sip of beer.
- What what. You guys set off such fireworks that we had to declare a technical victory due to the lack of enough players on the opponents' side. - Uzraz said, beaming like a gold bar.
- What? What fireworks? There was an explosion! And then something hit me on the head, and I wake up here.
- And the spectators think it's the best firework show they've ever seen. Bang! Fire! Goblin chunks! Awesome! - Uzraz laughs.
- Ugh. Did it explode so badly that we had to declare a technical victory?
- What do you want? Half the enemy team will have to be picked to pieces in the next couple days. And the other half just ran away, counting even the ones who were wounded and couldn't walk. Bha! The Troll they had, crapped and pissed himself and ran away, breaking through the stadium wall. Oh, that was quite a sight.
- Yeah. What can I say? We tried our best, you know the rest. - I'm smiling through a slight headache, and then I started looking around.
All our guys are sitting on benches drinking beer or chatting, though some of them are in bandages and casts. I see Grim cursing as he examines the armor of the players who were not far from the epicenter of the blast. Bron smiles and waves at me as a confused Korhil sits next to him. Not far from us stand Treeman and Rook, who are telling the reporters something.
- Where's Kazran? - I look for our chief tormentor and coach.
- He's busy. Arguing with the refs about the vodka and cigar stunt, you see, they think it was a flamethrower and now they're demanding money. But I doubt they'll get anywhere. This isn't the first time Kazran's had to deal with something like this. He'll sort it out, and he'll scare those bloodsuckers wearing caps. - Uzraz sits down next to me and fills his pipe.
- That was fun, and I slept through it all. - I say with a chuckle. - Why are you so cheerful? No, I understand that we won our match and we're just waiting for the official recognition. But you're glowing with joy.
- That's because it was a great promotional event! Everyone saw how it exploded and that my company's cigar played a big part in it. You can't forget such a thing, and when this moment will be discussed in magazines and Cabal Vision, only some hermits and idiots will not know about my team and company. Though I don't think there's much difference between them. - Uzraz's face once again shows a wide smile.
- It's all clear with you. Uzraz, let's not do this too often. I'm afraid we just don't have the stomach for it. Oh, look, the referee's out on the field. - I point at the halfling with a magical loudspeaker in his hand, and next to him stand smiling with all 20 of his remaining teeth Kazran and shivering goblin with a badly wiped stain on his pants.
- The Drunken Tree Guards are technically winning this match due to the lack of the required number of players on the Shroom-nose team. - And adds in a whisper, but he was still heard because of the activated loudspeaker. - And the lack of players in general. But after that explosion, the constipation went away on its own. Oh, shit. How do I turn this thing off!
- Victory! Hooray! - the team roars loudly and the audience joins in.
- Haha. Well Uzraz I can say without any sarcasm. We've managed to make a spectacular statement. Yay! - I stand up and scream at the top of my lungs.
- Yes! Hooray! - he also stands up and joins in the team's victory roar.
We run out to center field and celebrate our triumph. Then someone brings in a big shield for Kazran to climb on, and I and Korhil with a couple other guys pick it up.
- We are victors! We got another revenge over those damned Grobi! Louder guys! Let even the most distant mountains hear us! - Kazran raises his hands to the heavens.
- URRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAA!
- URRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
- URRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Drunken Tree Guards 3 (1) - 0 Nose Mushroom. Technical Victory.
P.S. A good goblin is a ripped to pieces goblin.
PERTIMBANGAN PENCIPTA 
Abi_Daulen
Abi_Daulen Big thanks to saszeta! One really loyal fan to my story. I hope we will enjoy the flamethrower and that I am busy writing another chapter for him featuring Necro!
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