Studying to me was like a job I didn't love. I only showed up out of necessity. But same with a job, I got fed up of having to do the same thing everyday and pretend it didn't bother me as much as it did. And so, I decided to just finally put an end to it. In other words, I quit. I still didn't say anything to the principal, I rather stood up and walked out despite him not being done with whatever he was saying. And in my mind I swore that was the last time I'd be seeing both him and the inside of his office. My phone was still ringing, and I answered it the second I got out.
" Hello?"
" Hey, I'm sorry..I know you're at school -"
" It's cool, what's wrong? "
He went quiet for a while, he'd start saying something but then stop, so I had to urge him to just let it out.
" I really hate to ask you this, you've already done so much..."
" Chris, just spit it out already. "
"ummm....could you please send me some cash? I sort of used it all on the motel and there are some things I need to buy. "
" Is that all?"
" Yeah. "
" Since when are you scared to ask for my help? Have you eaten?"
" Not yet, but don't worry about -"
" Give me a few minutes. "
I cut the call and tucked the phone into my pocket. Then I walked over to my locker and opened it up. It was mostly just empty, other than the two books I never used and a few other items. I didn't want to have to go back there so I just started placing them all in my backpack. I recalled that I had promised to search for Miles during lunch so I went ahead and gave him a call, then I told him where to find me and asked if he could come over for a sec.
And as I was waiting for him, I found myself looking around. Knowing Kyle was around somewhere only increased my desire to leave as fast as I could. It was difficult for me to be there and not seek him out, each second that passed I was tempted to go search for him and straighten things out. I had gone for way too long without his touch, I felt like I needed it to survive.And that was all the proof I needed to know that if I stayed there for a few more hours I'd give in and start begging him to come back. Which I could very well do, it wasn't a big deal. Not when I loved him as much as I did, but I knew he was just going to push me further away so there was really no point. Perhaps we both needed to give each other a couple of days to cool off. And I also had a lot of things to sort out. Not my 'mental issues ' as he claimed but just personal things that couldn't wait any longer.
Like the fact that I had literally just decided to drop out officially...my dad was surely not going to like that. And there was also Chris. He had the worst timing, but he was also a current priority so I wasn't going to just push him to the side.
" Hey! What's up? You really believe the school is your yard, don't you?" Miles joked. We fist bumped and he tapped my back, then his eyes fell to my locker and he narrowed them in confusion. But then he laughed.
" You could at least pretend to be interested in reading, throw a few magazines in there or something. "
I glanced at the empty locker, then I shut it and after darting my gaze around for the hundredth time, I settled it back on Miles.
" I wanted to ask whether we could meet after school instead? I'll text you the address. "
" Yeah sure, no problem. So long as it's before seven, my mum wanted me to take her to some exhibit tonight. "
" Got it. "
The bell rang, and after looking around, Miles gestured down the hallway and said we ought to get to class, but I shook my head and told him I wouldn't be going. He was the only one I cared enough to tell, and in my head, it wasn't as big a deal as others would assume it was. So I told him why and he looked completely dumbstruck, then he shook his head and struggled to find words.
" You're crazy,you know that?"
He then chuckled, but I could see deep down he wanted to say something else, it's just that the construct of our friendship prevented him from doing so. He did however ask me if I had thought anything through, I hadn't. I wasn't the type of person to do so,I'd just worry about the consequences later.
" This place isn't for me. "
" And how does Kyle feel about that? Have you told him?"
" It's my life, isn't it? I can do as I like. See you later. "
" You're leaving? Now?"
" Yap. "
Most of the students had already headed to class. Somehow,I felt lighter already, especially when I rode out of the gates, it was as if a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I called Chris and asked him what he needed, insisting he give me the full list , then I stopped at the local supermarket and bought them all. Along with some food because he hadn't eaten yet. I had passed by the motel again the previous night before I went to see Kyle, and he had claimed that he wasn't hungry, which meant that he hadn't eaten since I don't know when.
When I got to his door, I found it unlocked, so I just walked in. He had been seated crossed legged on the floor, leaning against the bed, doing nothing. And he looked pretty worn out as well,more than he had been the previous day. When he saw me he stood up, then he asked me what I was doing there since I had told him I'd be going to school and wouldn't be able to pass by there till afterwards.
" I took a sick leave. Here, " I handed him the food,and he took it from me and thanked me. It hadn't even been that long since I last saw him, yet he looked completely different. We had gone to the same school back in Phoenix. I mean, there had been more to it, but I never really thought about that since it was all in the past. It had just been a phase in my life that I had passed.
" I'll pass by my house later on and bring you some clothes. "
He nodded without saying a word, then he sat down on the bed and slowly began eating. His dark hair needed some serious brushing, and he looked much paler than I recalled. And I could also tell he had lost weight.
" You promised to tell me what happened. I think I deserve an explanation at least. "
He had just shown up out of nowhere. I had been on my way to school from the gas station the previous day when he called me. It was shocking to see his name on the screen after so long. But him and I had ended things on a good note, there were no hard feelings and he had also sounded pretty desperate. He drunk the coffee I had given him, avoiding my eyes while he was at it.
" Chris, come on. "
Rebellion had been what had made us friends in the first place. I had been angry at everyone around me and always searched for trouble, and we had somehow ended up in a fight. I had hated his guts at first. Like, completely loathed the guy. And that had been the status of our relationship till about two years back
" Do you remember Phil? " He finally asked me, his voice low.
" Of course I do. What did the scumbag do?"
" Well, I saw him setting fire to Jason's car. He's that guy who used to play football but quit after his arm broke..."
" Yeah, I remember him too. "
" I think Jason got his sister pregnant or something. Well, I recorded him burning the car.Then I tried to use it to blackmail him into giving me some cash-"
" Fucking hell Christopher! Now why would you do that? "
" Because I needed the cash! And it's not like he doesn't have it, the guy is the main dealer at school. "
" But you're hiding here, so I'm guessing things didn't go as planned. "
He shook his head and after taking another sip of the coffee, he ran a hand over his face and sighed defeatedly. He was so far from home, so something must have really gone wrong for him to come all the way to Boulder just to get away.
" The jerk planted drugs in my locker and then tipped the principal off. I had already gotten suspended like three times....so he expelled me. "
That wasn't surprising. Actually, him and I had gotten suspended together a lot. At first it had been because we fought against each other, then somewhere along the way things changed and we ended up on the same side. And we mostly also ended up in the same school afterwards. His doing.
" And? That can't be it. "
" I was angry.... furious. You know how I get when I'm like that, I really just wanted to teach the guy a lesson.."
" What did you do Chris? "
His hand was shaking and I noticed. He drank more of the coffee, then he finally looked up at me and I could see that his green eyes looked even more tired.
" We got into a fight outside a club I followed him to. We argued after I confronted him and he started calling me names. Homophobic assholes can be real trash! And I wasn't going to let him get away with calling me a ' cock sucking fag'...so I picked up this brick and kind of smashed it on his head a few times. "
I was too stunned to speak. That was a limit I had never expected him to get to. I mean, I had always known he could get there if he wanted, I had just never believed he'd actually let himself lose his cool like that. And I finally understood why he had come all the way to Boulder in search of me. It was because he knew no one else would understand him the way I did. Others definitely thought he was an unhinged psycho, but I knew how it felt to not be in control of how you felt.
" Please tell me you didn't kill him. "
He shrugged.
" I'm not sure. But with my kind of record... Austin the cops were after me! I was scared and I didn't know what to do or where to go. My brothers didn't wanna see me either, Jack even threatened to turn me in himself, " he sounded shaken. So I walked over to the bed and sat next to him, placing my hand on his back and trying to get him to relax. It was more serious than I would have suspected.
Chris lived with his four siblings, his two older brothers and one younger one. He had never talked about his parents and the one time I had dared to ask, he had shrugged the question off.
" Don't think about it too much, " I advised him. I wasn't sure whether I'd even be able to help him out, I couldn't think of anything, but I felt as if it was my duty to do anything I could to help him out. I wasn't saying what he had done was right, but if you thought about it from my perspective, the guy had deserved it. I just hoped he was unconscious in a hospital somewhere and not lying in a casket. There was no way I was going to be an accomplice to murder. I had a racing career to think of.
" We have to find out whether Phil is okay, "
He nodded and rubbed his hands together as if seeking heat. I knew he was actually just trying to stop them from trembling.
" I didn't wanna actually hurt him...I mean, I did, but not that badly. I just got pissed off and the brick was the first thing I saw and I just ended up-"
" You don't have to explain it to me, you know that I get you. "
" I'm gonna go to jail, aren't I? They'll lock me up in there. Phil's brother-in-law is a goddamned judge!"
" I told you to quit thinking about it. You won't go to jail. "
I was just trying to get him to calm down, there were chances he could actually get locked up if the case was serious, but his devastation was bringing out that protective part of me that used to exist at a certain point when it came to him. He was tough, I couldn't deny that, but for some reason, whenever he was with me he turned into this vulnerable person and I felt like it was my responsibility to ensure he was okay at all times.
" Just finish your food and get some rest, you clearly need it. " I saw some bruises peeking from beneath his zip up and I narrowed my gaze in inspection, then I reached out and casually pushed it to the side.
" Those from the fight?"
" Yeah, it's no big deal though. "
" Dude, those are literally turning dark! Why didn't you say anything?"
I could have just brought him some ice. I was sure he has more of them but just didn't want to mention it.
" Eat, I'll go get you those clothes so you can shower. But sleep before I get back, "
" I don't think I can, "
" Just try. "
He clearly hadn't gotten any rest for a while. It must have been the stress of being on the run. I casually tapped his thigh and went to stand, but then he held my arm and kept me in place before he moved closer.
He told me how thankful he was for all my help, and I assured him it was nothing.
" I had really missed you. You completely cut me off after you guys moved. "
True, I had. But I had done it for his own good and deep down he knew it. It was the bitter and sad truth but it had also been for his own benefit. I suddenly felt his hand on my crotch and the other in my hair. My eyes widened and I looked down before looking up at him again.
" I like really missed you!" He added and I shot up immediately. The first thing that came to mind was Kyle, and how wrong it felt to have anyone else touch me so freely.
" Don't get confused Chris, I'm just helping you out. "
There was no way we were ever going down that road again. It was such a 'been there done that sort of thing. And the wisest choice I had made was to put an end to whatever we had had going on between us. But I feared that despite how long it had been, he was still hang up on the past.
" I just want you to know that if there's anything I can do to thank you--"
" You mean you want me to fuck you in exchange for my help, "
" You don't have to think of it like that. But I wouldn't mind whatever you call it. "
As I had mentioned, him and I were alike in so many ways. Neither of us saw the need to beat around the bush, if we wanted to really say something we just went ahead and said it. Same to our actions. And at first, it had been good. We were teenagers, he had chosen to come out to me first which had meant he had cared more about me knowing than anyone else. Plus we used to spend most of our time together, wrecking havoc and all....and when he had suggested a no strings attached relationship, I had accepted the proposal. It was supposed to have been fun and casual, but I had sensed something was off when he had bought us these matching necklaces. I had taken the gift because he had cared so much, but after that I grew weary and started to pay closer attention. All it had taken was a few hours of being alone with him to realize that we had never been on the same page in terms of how we felt. And there was no way I was going to keep having fun and carefree sex with someone who wanted much more.
But over the course of our relationship I had grown fond of him, he was okay I suppose. Fun to be with. The perfect type of bad influence I had needed in my life. Him and I had done some pretty wild things together. More than half of them were illegal but that's what had made them all the more fun. They had indeed been good times, it's just that him falling for me had made me grow cautious.
He hadn't denied it when I asked. It hadn't been a confrontation, not in the slightest, I had just casually brought it up and he hadn't been scared to admit that he liked me in the way I didn't want him to.
So I had broken it off, and we had gone back to being friends with no benefits. But naturally, things hadn't been the same as before. And I realized that the more time I kept spending with him the more I was hurting him. I knew that type of hurt and I didn't want him to experience it, which was I began to keep my distance. But a month afterwards, we moved and I didn't have to avoid him anymore.
" Don't get your hopes up Chris, don't raise them in the slightest. "
" Harsh,"
He didn't sound hurt or anything, but I felt his confusion through that one word.
" You know, you were the first person that came to mind when I wondered who I'd turn to for help. "
" And I'm glad you came here instead of doing anything else to harm yourself. "
" You still like me, right Austin? Not romantically, but you still care about me, right?"
I sighed and ran a hand through my hair,then I took a step back and after thinking things through quickly, I nodded. It's what he needed to hear.
" Of course I do. I wouldn't be going out of my way to help you if I didn't. "
That constant need for reassurance was an aspect of him I had learnt to get used to. I found it weird at first but I grew used to it with time. Some people just needed that extra verbal assurance. I wasn't going to deny it to him. He smiled and nodded, then I watched as he took the food I had bought and began eating it with more interest than before.
I stayed there a few more minutes, and just when I was about to tell Chris I was leaving, my phone rang.
It was Kyle. And for the first time I contemplated whether to answer the phone instead of quickly picking up like usual. But since it was him and I was burning to hear his voice, I picked it up.
" What's up?" I asked, facing away from Chris because it gave me a false sense of privacy. And the first thing Kyle asked was...
" Are you out of your fucking mind?!"
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