—
I had an epiphany today. Time Baby, master of Fate and Time, is a baby. The AXOLOTL, embodiment of Life and Space, is a species of salamander that remains in it's tadpole stage forever. Me, Bill Cipher, lord of Death and Matter, never reached adulthood before my accession. What is it with cosmic deities and being stuck as eternal children?!
Is that why the universe is so fucked up? It's gods are ALL children?!
I wasn't sure how to feel about this realization. Pyronica found me in the living room just banging my head against a wall. "…I don't even want to know." she deadpans and turned around to leave.
——
"Hey Bill, wanna come pick up guys with me?"
I looked up from a complicated compound origami sculpture I was working on to stare at her incredulously. "Excuse me?"
"Or we could pick up girls? Whichever you prefer. I'm not all that picky."
"...why?"
She sighed and flicked her hair, she's been growing it out recently. "Because I haven't gotten any in a long while and a girl's got needs ya know?"
"Oh. Oooh..." I caught on and put my scissors down. "But why do you want me there? Wouldn't that make it more difficult for you to meet anyone?"
"But don't YOU ever want to relieve some stress with a good fuck?" Pyronica asks as she sits down next to me.
"I just masturbate." I say simply. I have never felt a need to seek out another person to fulfill my needs. I just wasn't interested in people like that. Besides, the thought of doing so was gross.
"But that's so boring~ come on Bill. You're a great guy. I'm sure we can find someone willing to bang you."
"I'd appreciate NOT being banged. Thank you very much. If you want me to come along I can, but I'm really not interested in hooking up with anything or anyone."
"But it'll be fun. When's the last time you've had sex with someone?"
"Never." I was beginning to get annoyed. Why can't people just accept the fact I wasn't interested? It's always 'Jan-Jan why don't you have a boyfriend yet?' Or 'Look at this nice boy. He's rich too. I sent him a photo of you from that one time your friends put make up on you and he thinks you're very pretty. He's looking for a wife. Don't you want a rich husband?'
"N-never?! You mean...you're a virgin?" Pyronica gasps, looking truly taken aback.
"So what if I am? I'm just not interested. Its not all that important." I frown and cross my arms.
"But you're a demon." She points out, as if that would mean anything.
"You know people have been calling you a demon too? Ever since the Federation put up that warning poster about you."
A few weeks back Pyronica got her butt slapped by some jerk along the street and before I even lifted a finger to blast the asshole, she'd already eaten him. Mild panic ensued among the other people along that street. I teleported the both of us out of there as the Feds were showing up but they'd already seen her face.
Next thing I know, they're saying that Bill Cipher has corrupted an innocent Cyclopian girl into a demon. Which is ridiculously stupid. I haven't corrupted her in any way. In fact I'd say SHE'S the bad influence here. I've actually had to talk her down from her shop lifting ways.
"You're like, an actual demon. How have you not had sex yet? Were there no cute girls you liked?"
"First off, people just CALL me a demon. It fits well enough so I use the term but I'm really closer to an ethereal concept given will, sentience and form...and secondly, even if I liked someone I still have no desire to sleep with them."
"Wait, so are you...a neuter?"
"I'm a hermaphrodite." Seriously, can we just drop the subject?
"B-but how could you NOT want sex? You even have both sets of parts for it!" She sounded legitimately confused.
"I just don't okay?!" My bricks pulsed and bits of fire were springing up around me. Pyronica flinches back with a yelp. "Shit, sorry." I desperately waved my fire away. It's so annoying that my powers go out of control when I'm mad. "Look can we just not talk about this?"
She nods before slumping sadly. "I just thought it would be fun to go out to a bar and look at cute guys together."
"I'm fine with checking out some cute guys. Just don't expect me to take them home."
She perks up at that. "So we CAN go together?"
"Ugh, if you really want me there. I still think my presence would just scare them away."
"We can disguise you..." She fumbles to think of an excuse.
I thought about it. I've never gone out for something like this before. I preferred to stay home. The club scene wasn't really me and I never understood people who go out just to pick up one night stands. I have no desire to have sex, but if I really had to, I'd want it to be with someone I knew and trusted. Not some tipsy stranger.
But Pyronica looked really excited for this. And...maybe I SHOULD go. Just to make sure some jerk doesn't bother her. I know she can handle herself but as a friend, I worry. Pyronica is still trying to figure out a way to disguise my incredibly well known shape.
"Alright fine. I can just do this-" I glowed and restructured my particles. I can't go with my human form, I look too young to be in a bar. I turned myself into a Cyclopian woman like Pyronica except yellow. The flames along my arms were black along with my hair. I wobbled a little as I got used to my new form and height. "Would this work?" I asked, running my hands down my sides and making sure I got all the body parts right.
"W-what?!" She responds with her mouth gasping open. "You can shapeshift?!"
"I don't really advertise this ability. If people knew, I wouldn't be able to take a different form and just...relax around people..." My voice was different in this form.
Pyronica tilts her head to inspect me. "This is...super weird. But I think we can go with this. Do you HAVE to look like me?"
"I copied the form off you. If this feels too weird I can alter it?"
"Naw its fine, we can go for a 'twin' thing."
And that was how I began my first experience with hitting a club to pick up guys. I did not feel very confident about it.
---
Pyronica had switched out her cape for a glittery series of ribbons around her torso and arms. I was wearing actual clothing, a cute tank top and skirt combo. Xanthar stayed home, not being interested in a girl's night out. I kept fidgeting, I've only ever been to a Club once and that was as Zyun-Jan. It was around Halloween and two of my friends had talked me into it. It wasn't a very pleasant experience.
There were so many people just dancing and grinding against each other. I saw many couples making out. The music was too loud. The bass made me nauseous. I didn't know anyone there and I lost my friends in the crowd. Everyone was so big and I nearly got stepped on so many times. It was scary and loud and I never tried to go clubbing again.
But this would be better. Or at least I tell myself that. At the very least I'll be taller than most people at the club so I don't have to worry as much.
The music was just as loud as I expected. I didn't like the song very much. Just the same chords played over and over at a steady beat. Less music and more noise for the sake of having sound. I clung to Pyronica's arm as we entered. The bouncer didn't even check our ID's, not that we'd have one. You have to register with the Federation to get an ID card. Then again, this particular club was in a non-sanctioned area on the bad side of town.
I peered around us shyly. I felt more vulnerable in this body. I'm confident as a triangle. I can sass and joke without a care. If I had to explain it, as a triangle I can easily slip into the mannerisms of what I think of as Bill Cipher. Snarky, quirky and not someone you can mess with. But I'm not Bill right now. We'd agreed on the name Pytoria or πtoria, if we wanted to get punny.
With no guideline or mask to fall back on, I guess I was just...me. And I was uncomfortable being here. I pressed a little closer to Pyronica as one of the other patrons at the bar laughed loudly. She whispered to me "That shy act is adorable π."
Act? Yes. I can work with that. I lowered my head demurely and peeked up at one of the men sitting at a table. He looked like a shark, if you swapped its length with its width. He looked absolutely ridiculous. I ducked my head to hide a smile but I suppose to them it would just look like I was embarrassed.
I felt a little more confidant, despite behaving even more timid. Its all about my mental state. I can pretend, its something I can do. I don't have to be myself here, I'm not after any of these men or women. I just have to play my part and help Pyronica score some action. I can do that.
She led us to an empty table and started giggling. "Do you see any cuties?"
"Well I don't exactly know what your preferences are."
"Someone with a lot of meat. Juicy and bite sized~" she purred.
"Lean muscle, fatty meat or tough meat?" I ask idly, a part of me should be horrified that Pyronica was planning on eating her unfortunate date but its biologically hardwired into her and I have no right to judge her for it anyway. "Also, if you plan on eating them afterward, at least tell them so."
"Aw why? They wont accept if I do that." She whined.
"Consent is the most important thing. If you don't let them know exactly what they're in for it just...feels rude." I catch the eye of a waitress and she hands us a menu.
"But that's no fun. Their screaming is the best part..." She pouts and I roll my eye at her.
"I'm not gonna help you trick some poor sap into feeding you unless you're honest with them."
"Isn't it hypocritical of you to be preaching honesty?"
"Hey, I don't lie during a Deal. I can't. But language is a funny thing, words can be interpreted in multiple ways. Besides, that and this are completely different."
"It still feels no fun. You're no fun Py."
"I'm ok with being no fun sometimes. Besides, I'm here tonight to make sure no one takes advantage of you."
"Pfth you know I can take care of myself."
"It doesn't stop me from worrying about you."
"Fine~mom~" she drawls but I catch the warmth in her smile and I grin back. I don't usually get to be the mom friend, preferring to act like the child I resembled and let people dote on me. The only times I got to 'mom' someone was the kids I babysat.
We ordered some toasted ravioli (with Shmeep cheese filling) to snack on. Pyronica wasn't sure if I should be allowed to have any alcohol but there was a mudslide on the menu (with milky way cream) and I really wanted it. "Please? It's JUST a mudslide. I haven't had one in almost FOREVER. And I'll order more food too." I batted my eyelashes at her and she laughed.
"You have no idea how weird that looks while you're wearing my face." She cackled but finally relented. She ordered a bloody Gary for herself. I stared at the eyeball floating in it. "You want the eyeball Py?" She asks as she picks it out.
"No thanks." I say as I sip my drink. The only eyes I've ever eaten were from fish. Oooh~ they might not have chocolate on this planet but the sugary sauce they used as a substitute wasn't bad.
"Make sure you eat before you drink anymore. If its anything like last time you should probably eat half the bowl first."
"I'm not THAT bad Ronica!" I pout even as I toss a handful of the ravioli into my mouth. Ooh, salty. I take this time to admire the tastebuds of the body I was in. I slowly chewed on some ravioli and contemplate the flavor.
Not bad. The cheese was creamy and it oozed out as I bit into the pasta shell. As I munched on the food a spider-like alien clattered up to us. "Hey ladies~" he chittered in an admittedly sexy voice.
"Hwey." I say with my mouth full. He looks somewhat taken aback but to his credit, he recovered quickly and pasted on a smile. I note that his legs were pretty cool looking. Ah-I wish I brought my sketchbook. I want to draw him, his anatomy was amazing. Pyronica notices my scrutiny and nudges my foot under the table with a wide grin and a waggle of her eyelid.
I roll my eye and take another sip of my drink.
"So I couldn't help but notice you two were sitting here alone." Spider-dude says casually as he leans against our table. I look at Ronica and make a questioning look with a subtle head tilt towards the man. She inspects the guy and sighs. "Well we're not alone since we came together. Just a fun girls night out ya know?"
"Well are you and your...sister having fun so far?"
"I would like to dance a bit, but..." Pyronica leans in a bit closer to the alien and mock whispers "...my sister is a bit shy and I'm afraid of leaving her alone at the table."
Dammit Ronica. The point of this evening was to set YOU up with someone! Not me! I kicked her a little under the table and she just grins and winks at me. Jerk.
"Oh, I would be more than happy to keep her company. Don't worry, we'll stay here the entire time. I promise I won't try and take your sister off anywhere." He laughs, a friendly sound. "You can go dance and have fun."
"Hm...I'm not sure...will you alright with a stranger for a little while Py?" Pyronica asks me.
"Um...it should be fine. I-if we're just gonna be sitting here..." I say while peering up at him from my long eyelashes. He smiles kindly. Somewhat suspicious, I do a surface scan of his thoughts.
'Man this gal's adorable. The shy ones are so much cuter.'
Huh? Interesting. Well he's not wrong. I like the shy type too, they're super cute and I just want to protect them. I'm still a little wary of the guy but I don't mind just hanging out while Ronica goes to dance. I caught her eyeing up a soft looking alien on the dance floor. I will admit, it looked tasty. Hopefully she'll keep my words in mind and ask before she eats him.
"Okay, you two behave while I'm gone 'kay~?" Pyronica laughs as she struts onto the dance floor swinging her hips.
The spider-dude smiles at me, open and friendly. His thoughts reflected that. Well, what do you know? I guess there ARE such things as nice guys.
"So what's your name?" He sits in Pyronica's recently vacated seat. The chairs here were mostly stools, keeping in mind most of the patrons odd body shapes. I grab another ravioli before answering. "πtoria. What's yours?"
"I'm Praxawish. It's very nice to meet you."
We chat about simple things. I'm pleasantly surprised to find out he isn't bad to talk to. No inappropriate flirting or remarks. Just friendly conversation. It was nice. I giggle at a funny story he recalls about a dumb thing one of his 32 siblings did when they were hatch-lings.
"What about you? Any embarrassing stories you'd like to recount about siblings?" He grins conspiring with a head tilt toward the dance floor where Pyronica was grinding between two different guys. Looks like she was having fun.
"Well Ronica has always been the more out going one." I twirl my straw around my glass. The basket of ravioli had long since been emptied. I pick up the menu to see if there's anything else I might want. Praxawish got me another drink when my mudslide ran out. A fruity green martini that tasted sweet and sour.
"Once, when we were shopping, she saw a dress she wanted but we didn't have enough to buy it so she ate it."
"Seriously?" He laughs.
"Yeah. It was disgusting. She spit it out when we got home and I was forced to clean it." I giggled. I didn't even realize she'd stolen the dress until we were back and she just vomited it out onto the floor. I freaked out and made her clean the floor while I fixed the dress.
I sat both Ronica and Xanthar down for a long talk about cleanliness and how if they make a mess it's on them to clean it or I will turn them inside out for an hour as punishment. They frantically nodded and were a lot more careful when eating from then on.
"So do you have any hobbies?" He asks next.
"Well, I like singing actually." I blush lightly. God I loved music. I've already broken out in song and dance around the house and was pleasantly surprised that Pyronica didn't make fun of me for it. I know Bill's voice wasn't the nicest thing to listen to. The echo-y effect was ever present.
"Singing huh? I'd like to hear that."
"Oh...well..." I wiggled in my seat. I really wanted to. I loved performing in front of people. "I'm not very good at it..." I say quietly.
"Aw~ I'm sure you're fine. Come on? Just a little?"
I started humming a little. "I learned to slam on the breaks~before I even turn the key~before I make a mistake~before I lead with the worst of me~"
I was singing softly and it was hard to hear over the music but as I went on I got a little louder as I fell into the easy rhythm of the song.
"Give them no reason to stare~no slipping up if you slip away~so I got nothing to share~no I got nothing to say~"
I closed my eye happily, it was so much easier to sing when I didn't have to see the people around me. As much as I liked performing, the staring never failed to make me flush.
"Step out, step out of the sun~If you keep getting burned~Step out, step out of the sun~Because you've learned~ because you've learned~"
I heard some clattering and opened my eye to see a few of the people from nearby tables had turned to face me. When I faltered one of them waves and says "Don't stop. Keep going girl!"
"On the outside, always looking in~Will I ever be more than I've always been?~'Cause I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass~"
I noticed Pyronica was coming back over, her arm wrapped around a plushy looking alien. I'm going to have to ask him (her?) If Pyronica explained what going with her entailed.
"I'm waving through a window~I try to speak, but nobody can hear~So I wait around for an answer to appear~While I'm watch, watch, watching people pass~"
This was fun. If only I could get them to sing along, have a whole chorus behind me. That would be amazing.
"I'm waving through a window, oh~Can anybody see~is anybody waving back at me?" I finished.
There is some applause and a cheer. I flush and hide my face. Its been so long since I've actually sang in front of a crowd. Pyronica comes over and coos at me. "I didn't know you could sing so nicely?"
"So you're saying my other times aren't nice?" I ask sarcastically. She giggles. I push her playfully and laugh. "So who's your new friend?" I ask as I look over the admittedly juicy looking alien she'd found. Lot of meat on this one.
"This is Bob."
"Bob?"
"Bob."
"Oh...hello Bob."
"Hi." Bob said in a high pitched squeak.
"Has my sister explained what it means to go with her?"
"Huh?"
I turned to Pyronica with an unimpressed look. She tries to look innocent. "If you don't tell him, I will."
"But Py~"
"Ooh here she comes~ watch out boys she'll chew you up~ ooh here she comes~ she's a ma~niac!" I sang and Pyronica groans and slaps a hand over my mouth. "I think letting you sing was a mistake." She grumbles.
Needless to say, Pyronica did not get any action that night. Praxawish also beat a hasty retreat once he realized my species was one that ate their partners after copulation. Really? You'd think that would sound normal to him, or is that incredibly racist of me to say so? I was a little sad since he actually seemed like a surprisingly nice guy. But I wasn't really looking for a relationship anyway.
Still, it was a very peaceful evening. I felt relaxed and content somehow.
After much sad whining from Pyronica I made a construct for her to mess around with. She was amazed I could create a soulless living body to her specifics. Once we'd made the empty shell to her tastes (literally) she took him back to her room and didn't come back out until hours later with a bulging belly.
She looked quite pleased. I just shuddered. Eating your partner after sex grossed me out. Still, at least I didn't have to watch.
---
-Pyronica intermission-
Pyronica giggled happily as she led the meaty stud to her room. She didn't know Bill could do this with his abilities. It was incredible just how much power that odd yellow creature had. Thinking about that sent a brief flash of instinctual fear through her.
She's so glad he liked her. And not even in a sexual way, she was grateful for that. The idea of something so...dangerous taking an interest in her was terrifying to imagine. Not that Bill would ever hurt her. Not on purpose at least. She understood him well enough by now to know that.
But his powers were dangerous. And sometimes his control would slip.
She's seen it. It was scary every time. She grinned and pretended it didn't bother her. Her fear would only stress him out more. Bill had a surprisingly delicate heart under all that gold. He made an effort to act like everything was fine, that he was cheerful and un-bothered by the way everyone was uncomfortable around him.
But she lives with him. She's seen the sides of Bill Cipher that no one else has. She's seen how he clings to Xanthar's side when the big guy has a traumatic flashback of the mistreatment he suffered before Bill saved him. She's seen Bill laughing with innocent delight as he watches a cartoon show about colorful talking horses.
She's watched Bill fret over 'germs!' as he cleans the house.
She's seen him cry quietly to himself in the dead of night when he thinks no one else is awake. Bill doesn't sleep. He can't sleep. The idea of such a thing made Pyronica sad for his sake. He can never sleep. He can never rest. He can never get a respite from life. Living like that sounded awful.
That's why she decided she would stay by his side. For as long as she can. So she can try to make life even just the smallest bit better for him. Bill has done so much for her. When she'd been arrested by the Federation officers she had been so scared. The Infinetentiary wasn't somewhere she ever wanted to end up.
Bill had saved her. Bailed her out and gotten her charges cleared somehow. Then he even offered her a home with food and all the comforts she could ever want. She didn't have to struggle to steal enough money to make it through life on the daily. She could relax, play and even go shopping to her hearts content. It was a dream come true. And he asked for nothing in return other than just for her to continue being his 'friend'.
How in the name of the great AXOLOTL himself did such a kind-hearted creature end up with all those horrible labels? Sure he was dangerous and his powers were unstable but Bill wasn't malicious. Pyronica couldn't understand how the universe could be so...blind and stupid to what was right in front of them.
She shook her head. No use in trying to figure out why the universe was unfair. She'd always known that. That's why she decided she would live life to its fullest and have fun whenever she could.
She giggled as she pulled the construct into her room and shut the door. Speaking of 'fullness'...
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