Born and raised into the messed up system, I never had a mother or a father, but I have a tone of bullies and enemies, we are just one big happy family. But now our happy family came to an end, I'm being kicked out of the orphanage, I was never adopted, people come in, look at me funny and leave, I'm not that bitter about it, I heard stories about people who get adopted, about the horror they see before being sent back to the orphanage. The orphanage wasn't any better, the employee abused us, we were starving most days, we weren't allowed to go to school once we passed the twelve-year-old mark, and we were forced to work. Dirty jobs, jobs that no one wanted, and all of them being for free, it was slavery, and child labor all mixed up together, we never saw any of the money, the orphanage was paid, they said the money was to pay for our food and clothes, to keep a roof over out heads.
But it wasn't just me there, I wasn't the only lone lost child, I wasn't the only lost cause in this life, there must be a power up there that loves to mess with us, that enjoys our pain way too much, I did mention my enemies, the one that bully me, but I had one special person with me, his name was Andy, but he's not with us anymore, Andy jumped over this same bridge, he gave up way back before me. Andy refused to tell me what's wrong, what happened but one day he came back to the orphanage drained, he lost the shine of his eyes, they just turned to glassy looking, he looked like a robot. Things were bad with Andy, he wouldn't eat, he wouldn't sleep, he wouldn't talk to me, which hurt! It hurt more than the orphanage employee lashes and bad words, it hurt to see him fade, my best friend, the only person I ever trusted and loved, to just fade away. The pain was undesrciable, that only happened a month before we were let out, before we reached our eighteenth birthday, but Andy couldn't wait, Andy gave up before I did.
But I now was kicked out, I'm on the streets! What a joy, homeless, starving, and sad, I felt like crying, I felt like cursing to the sky and screaming, but the thing is, I gave up, you hear me, god? You freaking happy now? I fucking give up! Andy gave up before I did, and he was the strongest person I knew, if he couldn't take it, well neither can I. "I fucking give up! Congrats life you won!" I yell to the sky again, I decided to end it tonight, tonight all the pain ends, no more lonely London, no more sad London, no more, just no more. But how does a broke person kill themselves? I can't afford poison or a rope, I can't even afford a blade, I decided to jump in the river! Creative I know, but I don't know to swim, and I'm scared of the water, always have been, I stood on the edge of the bridge, if I jump I'll end up in the river, and the pain would be gone, but the water, I'm still afraid of it.
It's not like I haven't tried to survive, but I refused to take another one of the blood sweat jobs, I refused to go back to slavery, I tried to find a better job, but no one would take a dirty orphan, no one would take someone with no education which was me, I tried, I really did but life wasn't easy not on people like me. It's either to river or another day in the cold world, at least hell would be warm, maybe I'll find a demon to adopt me, and I'll live happily ever after, I think to myself with a laugh, I'm going crazy.
Do I do it, do I not, I'm thinking about it, but the fear was having the best part of me, I just walked away deciding I won't do it, I walked away from the river, my fear of the water was much greater than my fear of life. But then again, hell must be warm, I changed my mind, I ran back straight toward the river jumping in, fuck it, let me die in the worse scenario ever. The water hit my face first, I've fell head first in the river, I screamed, not in fear of death, in fear of the water, I screamed wanting out, I want out, I'll find another way to die, not this way. But when I tried to scream, water filled my mouth, I couldn't breath, the fear, it must be the fear but I just fainted then. Feeling cold hand pulling me, it must be thegrim reaper coming to get me, anywhere just got me out of the water now.