Bab 81: 81. If you love someone
Derek sighed as he listened to Meredith's cell phone once again go to voicemail. It had been hours since he had sent her back down the aisle to her friend, and he hadn't heard from her. He was currently sitting on their bed, leaning against the headboard, cell in hand, praying for her to call.
"Hey. It's me. Again. I'm not trying to... Could you just call me, or text me? Just let me know you're okay. I'm getting worried. I hope Cristina is okay. Tell her...well, she probably doesn't want to hear anything from me. Just...let me know you're okay. Please." He paused. "I love you, Meredith. More than anything. I..." He trailed off as the recording cut off with a beep.
He sighed; it wasn't like he had anything left to say anyway; it wasn't his first message. It was a little after midnight, and despite his limited sleep the last week, he found he couldn't sleep now. Not until he knew she was okay. Her words to him earlier had Derek worried. After everything that had happened... She deserved peace. They were supposed to have danced together and laughed as Cristina got dragged into reception activities she would hate. And then they were supposed to sleep the day away tomorrow, spend some actual time together, and pack for their flight the day after.
He had expected to spend Sunday, the day between Burke and Cristina's wedding and their flight to New York, resting and happy. He had expected to tease his fiancée about her nerves. He had expected to reassure her; to convince her that his family would love her. He had expected quiet.
But it was now the first hour of Sunday morning and nothing was going as expected.
Upon hearing from Izzy that Meredith was with Cristina at her apartment, and that Burke was gone, Derek had tried to contact the older man. But Burke was nowhere to be found or heard from. After being forced to answer too many questions when he had shown up at the hospital several hours earlier, Derek had given up and gone home. If Burke didn't want to be found there was nothing he could do about it.
A knock at the bedroom door pulled him from his thoughts, and for a moment, Derek's heart leaped, until he realized Meredith wouldn't be knocking on their own door. "Yeah," he called.
The door opened and Izzy's head peeked in. Her eyes were red. She had been crying. Derek knew she had spent some time with Cristina, until realizing it was better if just Meredith stayed for now. "Is there any word from Meredith?"
He shook his head. "Nope."
"Have you called her?"
"Several times. Her cell goes straight to voice mail."
Izzy sniffed. "Poor Cristina."
He nodded. "I cannot believe Burke would do such a thing."
"He seemed so sure. But the things he said to her..."
Derek offered her a sympathetic face. "At least Mer's with her."
Izzy nodded. "Yeah."
He sighed and stood. "I'm going crazy here. I'm going to go back to the hospital; see if I can find myself a surgery or something. Can you call me if you hear from Mer?"
"Of course."
**
It was almost seven that morning when Derek scrubbed out of the surgery he had stolen, with minimal guilt, from one of his residents. It had been successful, but now left him exactly where he had been hours before. Anxious and waiting.
"I see you're here too," Bailey stated, meeting him at the door to the scrub room as he dried his hands.
He nodded. "Couldn't sleep."
"How is Cristina?"
Derek shrugged. "I don't know. I haven't heard from anyone since the church yesterday." He reached to his waist band for his cell phone, and breathed a sigh of relief when he read the small screen. Three messages. All three from their home phone. Finally.
"There are rumours...was Burke really the one to..."
Derek nodded.
Bailey shook her head. "I can't believe it."
"Me either," he said with a sigh. They traded places as Bailey began to scrub in for her surgery.
"Let me know if you hear anything?"
He nodded. "I will."
The patient had been brought in alone, so there was no family to talk to. Derek headed for his office and quickly changed out of his scrubs before collapsing in his desk chair and dialling in to his voice mail.
The first message he thought was a hang up, and was about to skip past it after close to fifteen seconds of static. And then he heard her voice. "Hi...it's me...I..." And then silence. Eventually the message ended.
Derek felt his heart start beating hard in his chest, though he didn't know why. He skipped to the next message.
"Sorry...that was me...before...I, uh..." She sniffed. "I'm sorry, Derek...I'm so sorry. I can't...right now...there's too much..." Her tone was high, but voice quiet, as if she was exhausted and losing control. "Everything is... I can't hold on anymore. I need..." Another sniff, and when she continued he could tell she was crying. "I love you, Derek. I love you so much. But it scares me. And I...I..." The message ended.
Feeling like his heart was about to explode through his chest walls, Derek skipped to the last message, hoping it held the answers he needed.
"Cristina's...not good." Her voice was clearer as she began her third message. She had obviously taken the time to get herself together. "Burke is gone and Cristina got left behind...and she's...she's exactly like me and I would need this too..." She paused before the rambling got out of control. "She called and turned the two first class tickets into three business class tickets and Izzy and I are going with her on her...well, what was supposed to be her honeymoon," she said quickly. "And I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I love you. But I..." She trailed off and when she spoke again, it was in a quiet whisper. "I can't handle this right now. There's too much." Now she was crying into the phone. "I love you so much, I do, but I can't handle the family thing right now, not after everything. I can't even think." She paused, and for a moment, Derek thought she had hung up. "I'm so sorry," she whispered again. "I really wanted this. I wanted to do all these things with you. I did. I-I do. I just...can't breathe. I'll...call when we get there. I...love you, Derek. Please know that." And then she hung up.
With tears in his eyes, Derek shook his head, trying to convince himself this wasn't happening. Why hadn't he stayed home and waited for her? He scrolled furiously through his phone log, trying to find out when she had called. She hadn't told him what time she was leaving. He didn't know if she was still at home, or if...if she was already gone.
Did he know what time Burke and Cristina were supposed to leave? Closing his eyes, he tried to pull up every conversation he had had with Burke in the past week. Cristina had been complaining about having to get up early the day after the wedding. He remembered Burke telling him that. But with the long flight, it was the best time to leave. Eight-thirty. He was almost positive it was eight-thirty.
It was a little after seven now.
He might be able to catch her.
Grabbing his cell phone, keys and wallet, Derek sprinted from his office, down the hall and past the elevator to the stairs. He had to get there in time. He couldn't let her get on that plane. Not like this. Not now. Not after everything they had been through this past week.
She had been hit by so many things. Too many things. He knew she had been struggling; had barely been able to hang on. But the bad was over now. She had to know the bad was over.
The lobby was just starting to get busy as he sprinted through, ignoring the questioning look his ex-wife sent him as he flew past her and through the front doors. There was a cab dropping someone off. He had planned on taking his car, but a cab would be faster at the airport. He wouldn't have to worry about parking.
"Can you take me to the airport?"
"Of course, Sir," the driver said.
Derek threw himself into the back seat and pulled the door closed. "As quickly as possible."
"Of course."
Pulling out his cell phone, Derek hit the first speed dial and waited, not surprised when the voicemail picked up automatically. "Meredith. It's me. I got your messages. I'm on my way to the airport. Please wait for me. Please. I...I need to talk to you. Please. I love you."
He ended the message and began tapping nervously on the side of the cab. This couldn't be happening.
At first he was angry; she had no right to do this. She had no right to do this to him. They had plans. They were supposed to go away together. There were flights and hotel reservations. His family was expecting them. She couldn't just run away from these things. They were supposed to make these decisions together. How could she possibly think this was okay?
But she wasn't thinking. She was exhausted and terrified and her world was falling apart around her. He knew this. It made his heart ache to think of how she must be feeling right now.
Still, this wasn't fair. He deserved better than this. He deserved better than rushing to the airport a little after seven in the morning to stop the love of his life from getting on a plane that would take her away from him for two weeks without her even telling him to his face. For a moment he seethed. This wasn't fair.
However, as the cab travelled closer to the airport, his anger melted into frustration. This wasn't fair for either of them.
Meredith wasn't doing this to hurt him. She loved him; he knew that. She had just reached her breaking point.
She had been shoved past her breaking point.
She had taken everything life had thrown at her and had done her best to hang on.
This was what she had been talking about the previous day. She had tried to tell him something was wrong. She had told him she was barely hanging on.
And Burke leaving Cristina at the chapel the night before had been the heel of a shoe smashing down on the fingers she had been holding on with.
No one had seen it coming.
Frustration became desperation.
He needed her. He couldn't let this happen.
After everything they have been through, he couldn't let her get on the plane feeling the way he knew she was feeling.
He glanced at his watch, willing time to slow down to allow him to get to the airport in time.
True to his request, the driver got him to the airport quickly. "Thank you. Keep the change," Derek called as he pressed several bills into the driver's hand. He dashed into the airport and paused, struggling to remember which airline to look for.
Desperate, he found a set of flight monitors and his eyes shot back and forth before he picked up on the 8:25 flight to Hawaii. That was it. He was at the wrong end of the terminal. It was almost ten to eight. If the girls had already passed through security, he would have no chance of catching them; would have no chance of catching her.
Running down the terminal, he dodged families and weary travellers, heedless to the glares sent his way. He needed to get there no matter what. He needed to find Meredith.
The line up area for security was packed when he got there and he struggled to get a view of the many passengers. "Meredith!" He called, earning himself several curious and annoyed stares, but none from the woman he loved. "Meredith!" He tried again, moving to the next line.
He was just about to start screaming her name when he spotted the three girls near the very front of the far line.
"Meredith!" He yelled, cutting through the last line. She was placing her bag on the conveyor belt. Izzy and Cristina were already moving through the security check. "Meredith!"
Her head turned.
"Meredith," he breathed her name as he stopped in front of her, sputtering to catch his breath.
Her eyes were filled with surprise and fear, like she had no idea what to say. "I..."
Hooking his hand under her elbow, he pulled her to the side for some semblance of privacy.
"Derek..." She murmured, her eyes now filling with tears. "I'm sorry."
He shook his head, his heart still pounding in his chest from his desperate chase. "Don't be sorry. Don't be anything." He coughed twice before sucking in a deep breath.
"Are you okay?"
"I just got your message. I ran from the other end of the terminal."
"I'm sorry," she said again.
He cupped her face and kissed her, short, but hard and true. "I love you, Meredith."
A single tear ran down her face and he brushed it away with his thumb. "Derek..."
"You were worried yesterday. We didn't have a chance to talk about it."
"You want to talk about that now?" Her voice was cracking. She was barely holding herself together. Exhaustion was floating off of her in waves. He could feel her trembling under his palm. Her eyes were dull and filled with worry.
He nodded. "I want to have that conversation now. What did Adele say to you?"
She shook her head. "It doesn't matter."
"It does," he insisted. What did she say?"
"Just...that happily ever after doesn't exist...and some stuff like that. Stuff about Richard and my mom and their...relationship. It doesn't matter." She sniffed. "Derek, I'm sorry..."
"Don't be sorry." He didn't have a lot of time.
"But I can't do this. I...I want to. I want to be good for you. But I...can't. Burke and Cristina...they were supposed to get married, and now he's just gone. And they were just like us. And Callie and George are already having problems, and they just got married. She's not happy. And the Chief and Adele have been married for almost thirty years, and they're getting divorced. And Susan died and Thatcher..." Several tears ran down her cheeks. "I can't do this, Derek. What if there are no happy endings? What if he was right? What if all I do is ruin things?"
"Meredith. No. You haven't ruined a thing. None of this was your fault. Nothing that has happened has been your fault."
"But-"
"Maybe happy endings don't exist," he cut her off. "At least not in the traditional, story book sense. But you're going to be happy, Meredith. We're going to be happy. There will be good and bad in our future, but we will be happy. I promise you."
"I want to believe you," she whispered, her voice as broken as her eyes.
He kissed her again. "We're not like them. We're not like any of them. I am not Preston Burke. I'm in this, remember? I'm not going anywhere." He offered her a smile. "You can do all of this. I know you can. You got hit with too many things. Too many people have been able to hurt you. But I love you, Meredith. I'll never hurt you. Not ever." He glided his fingers along her neck, searching for the chain, hoping she was wearing it.
She was.
He breathed a sigh of relief and pulled the ring out from under her top. "I gave this to you for a reason, Meredith. You're not just good for me; you're perfect for me. I don't want a moment less than forever with you. You're stuck with me, remember?"
She sniffed and nodded, allowing him to close her hand around the ring, his hand quickly closing over top of hers.
He pressed his forehead against hers. "I know you're exhausted. And I know you can barely think straight right now. And I know you've had to deal with far more than you should have this past year. But I'm here, Meredith. I love you, and I'm here. I'm always here."
She hooked her free hand around his neck and breathed, her forehead still pressed to his. "I don't know what to do..."
With a heaviness in his heart, Derek closed his eyes for a long moment and breathed, memorizing every aspect of what it meant to have her so close, because he knew what he had to do. And then, after savouring for as long as he could, he pulled back far enough to press his lips against her forehead and meet her eyes. "Go with your friends," he whispered. Get some sleep. Have fun. Just...know how very much I love you and how very much I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
"Derek..." She trailed off as her voice cracked, uncertainty filling her eyes.
His eyes welling with tears, he nodded. "I understand. I do. And I'll be here when you get back. I promise. Just...call me. Please. When you get there. Let me know you're okay. Please."
Releasing her grasp on the ring, she wrapped both arms around his neck. "I'm so confused right now, Derek."
He closed his arms around her. "I know."
"I just want to be good for you."
He held her even tighter. "You're perfect for me; just exactly the way you are. Don't ever change."
"But I'm so..."
"Perfect," he repeated. "You, Meredith Grey, are everything I'm ever wanted and more. I love you so much."
"I love you too."
He pressed his lips to her neck, cheek and lips, before releasing her. "You don't want to miss your flight."
She seemed torn. "I..."
"I'll miss you, Meredith, so much. But it's only two weeks. And if you need two weeks...in comparison to a lifetime...I can live with that."
"But...are you..." She sucked in a breath, filled with uncertainty and pain. "I..."
"It's okay, Meredith. I'll be okay. I'll go to visit my mom anyway; maybe even take a flight today if I can get one. And I'll be waiting when you get back," he said, trying to comfort her. She was waffling; he could tell. She was exhausted and unsure, and if he pushed her now, she would stay with him. And she would let him take her to New York.
But it wouldn't be right. She needed time to figure things out. And as painful as it was to let her go, he knew he needed to do it. She needed him to do the right thing right now; the right thing for her.
"I wish none of these things had happened," Meredith murmured, clutching to his top. "I was happy and ready and...excited. I wish I could go back to feeling like that. I wish I could just forget..."
He kissed her one last time. "Call my cell when you get there. Please."
"I promise."
"Thank you."
"Derek..."
"It's okay," he whispered. "You can go."
"I love you," she whispered.
"I love you too."
With one last glance, Meredith turned and quickly went through the security doors to where Izzy and Cristina were waiting for her.
Ignoring the curious stares of the many passengers who had witnessed everything, Derek wiped at his face and tried to breathe as he searched for a help desk to see if he could take an earlier flight to New York. He didn't want to be in Seattle without Meredith.
AN: Breathe in. Breathe out. It's going to be okay. I promise. This will lead to good things (and a Meredith scene I've envision for a while; filled with stereotypical Meredith rambling). Meredith will meet his family, and Meredith and Derek will swim with the fishes (literally, not metaphorically). Next chapter should be up tomorrow.
Status Power Mingguan
-- Peringkat
Power 
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