Bab 60: 60. Chapter 60
AN: This chapter refused to go along with any flow I tried to get it to follow, wouldn't hit any sentiment I went for, and would not end where it was supposed to. It's been re-written and revised many times. And it's still pissing me off. Alas, I finally gave up trying to make it what I wanted, and let it be what it seemed to want, which turned out to be...this. And I don't really know what to say about this. The first half is scattered, but is supposed to be, because we're back to delving into Derek's mind. He's got a load of issues. The second half features lots of talking between our two favourite characters. Meredith seems off to me, but I think that's because of the chapter I'm following. She's done the vulnerable thing, and wants to be seen as normal again. But she'll always come through for Derek, even with the admission that wasn't supposed to happen here and the lack of a conversation that was supposed to happen here.
It was late.
Or maybe it was early.
Derek couldn't be sure.
The lack of sunlight coming through the window across the quiet room told him it was somewhere between sunset and sunrise. And he had lost track of the time he had spent sitting. Silent. Waiting.
What he was waiting for was another thing he was unsure of.
In fact, Derek wasn't sure of much.
Meredith was alive; that seemed to be the only thought he could hold onto for any length of time. She was alive. Her heart was beating. She was breathing. She was warm.
He loved her; that wasn't so much a thought as it was an irreversible constant in his life.
He needed her.
Derek had suffered loss before. He knew what it was like to lose a loved one without any warning, to have his life ripped out from under him. His unique childhood had led to a unique adulthood. He wasn't prone to taking things for granted. Material items held little meaning for him – he had learned at too early an age, and in the worst possible way, that life should be valued higher than possessions. He owned a fancy car, but much preferred his old, beat up land rover. He could be cocky at work, but he took his job seriously. Each and every patient was a person, and each was treated as such. All successes were celebrated and all losses mourned. He had been the one his family relied on, and not vice versa, so he wasn't taking that for granted.
In fact, Derek had never allowed himself to rely on anyone past a certain point, in fear of expecting that support and not receiving it. That is, until Meredith came into his life. She took away the fear of rejection and being vulnerable, and replaced it with a sense of wanting. He trusted her to be there, and he wanted to let her in.
He had fallen for her, hard and fast. She was different and unpredictable and remarkably stubborn, but she was perfect for him. She was the person he should spend the rest of his life with.
The person he should spend the rest of his life with.
Less than a week before she had been the person he would spend the rest of his life with.
But so much had changed in that week. It seemed that all the plans he had made, and all the hopes and dreams they shared, had been shattered in a desperate swipe of an arm by an injured patient.
Meredith had died.
She had been dead. Clinically dead. For hours.
Hours.
Derek had spent hours living in a world that didn't include the love of his life.
And as impossible as that thought was, it clouded his mind.
Yes, Meredith was alive well. But who knew how long she would stay that way?
He wanted more than anything to spend the rest of his life with her, to get married and start a family. He wanted to introduce her to his family, to see her be included in a way she never had before. He wanted to wear a ring that matched one on her finger. He wanted to see what their children would look like, to be there for everything, from diapers to college to grandkids.
That was Derek's dream.
And he had believed it would happen. Not that it could happen, but that it was going to happen. Derek had let himself believe that he had been through enough, that he finally deserved happiness and stability.
His father had been murdered. He had become the man of the house at far too early an age. He had been a constant support for his mother and sisters, while never asking anything in exchange. He had lost his wife and his best friend in one adulterous blow. He had lost all his close friends in his move to Seattle.
Derek had suffered. He had seen the evil of the world first hand, and yet he still remained positive. He still fought for every patient. He still did good in a world that didn't returned the favour.
He was a good person. And he had let himself believe that he deserved happiness.
He had let himself believe that Meredith would always be there, no matter what, that she would never be taken from him.
She had promised him a forever, and he believed she would never chose to leave him.
But this, like so many things, were out of the hands of mortals.
There were millions of ways he could still lose her.
Maybe the drowning incident had been a warning. He had become too confident.
Derek closed his eyes as he forced a shaky breath into his lungs. When he could inhale no more, he clamped his mouth shut and held his breath for a long moment, before finally exhaling through his nose. And when he reopened his eyes, everything was still the same. Meredith was still beside him in the bed they had been sharing for months. She was still inhaling and exhaling evenly; had been for hours, in fact.
He knew because he had been watching. For hours.
She had been kept in the hospital for four days. He had spent those four days in a partially numbed state of worry and anticipation. Her constantly improving stats had done wonders for the worry, but he had still been plagued by thoughts of losing her.
And he had been certain taking her home would make him feel better. He had been certain once they were back in their bed, in their room, in the first place he could remember in a long time that felt like home, where everything was warm and familiar, that everything would be okay.
He had thought he could move past her accident, that having her home meant everything was a-okay.
But everything wasn't okay.
She was here now, but for how long? How long would fate let him have her before ripping her away?
Karma had denied him, leaving him a crumpled mess at its door, desperate and pleading for happiness. He had experienced so much bad that in a perfect world, where karma accepted him and welcomed him, he should be given a happy ending.
But the world he lived in was far from perfect. And the happiness and routine that he had never truly experienced but always craved, suddenly seemed out of grasp.
He was well aware men his age often wanted change. They were desperate to escape the monotony of their lives, to break free of daily routine and start their days without knowing what they would do or who they would spend it with.
Derek, however, craved the opposite. His life had been filled with anything but routine. Struggling to take care of his mother and four sisters while completing high school, college and medical school had been filled with stress, stress and stress. Residency was a rollercoaster of ups and downs and struggles, especially when you add in a failing marriage. He had learned to keep his distance, to deal with his own insecurities and to never expect anything.
But now all he wanted was routine and stability, and he wanted it desperately. He wanted to wake up and fall asleep next to the same person for the rest of his life. He wanted to be there for her, as well as finally have someone he could be not-so-strong with sometimes. He wanted to stop thinking about everyone else all the time, and devote a fraction of that time to himself. He wanted to know she would always be there, to be able to finally expect her presence in a year or two, or twenty. Or forever.
He wanted to finally stop feeling like he was always running from his past or coming up short of his future.
He wanted to share his life with Meredith, to build a routine with her, filled with comfort and familiarity.
And for a few months he had believed he would have that.
But then fate had reared its ugly head and laughed in his face. In the blink of an eye she had been gone, taking along with her his future, and leaving a pathetic shell of a man, filled only with insecurity and wishful thoughts.
And she could be taken again, at any time. He had no control over the when or the where or the how.
There would be no warning. One moment she would be beside him, and the next he would be left with nothing.
Meredith stirred beside him, quickly pulling Derek from his thoughts as he focussed on her. She was half on her side, half on her stomach, her arms clutched across her chest in unconscious support to her healing ribs. Her hair was splayed across the pillow behind her head, and he couldn't help but run his fingers through it.
She stirred again, one leg straightening as she shifted closer to him, unconsciously moving towards his warmth. A small moan escaped her mouth as her lips parted, and then she was silent again.
Derek left his fingers in her hair, running absently through the ends of the strands, as he wished he could hold her. Instead he was sitting beside her in bed, left to his own thoughts.
He didn't want to lose her. There were so many things they were supposed to do together.
There were so many things he had planned on experiencing with her.
She was the first person who seemed able to look past his facade and know when something was wrong. She was the first person to urge him to open up, to reassure him that it was okay to have weak moments. And she was the only person who he could be weak with and then still expect to look at him the same way.
She was everything to him. He wanted more than anything to spend the rest of his life with her. everything else paled in comparison.
His publications, his title, the fact that the Chief was retiring and Derek was in the running for the position... It all just seemed so trivial.
Derek would give up everything in a heartbeat for a guarantee that Meredith would never be taken from him.
He wanted to wake up next to her tomorrow, and in fifty years. It made his heart ache how much he wanted, needed, a lifetime with her.
God, how he wanted to be able to call her his wife.
And the mother of his children.
The only happy future he could envision included her. But there were no guarantees in life, and for now he was stuck watching her sleep and praying fate and karma would allow him this one source of happiness.
000
It was light when Meredith groggily opened her eyes. Two blinks to rid her sight of blurriness told her Derek wasn't lying beside her, but was sitting up, leaning against the headboard.
She removed her hand from her torso and reached towards him, grasping at his lower thigh, and drawing his attention.
"Hey," he said softly, his voice raspy, telling her he hadn't gotten much sleep, if any.
Meredith shifted and craned her neck to look up at him the best she could. "What time is it?" Derek had brought her home from the hospital the day before, and they had spent a few hours on the couch watching movies. She had quickly grown tired, and the last thing she could remember was him helping her up to bed.
Derek bent forward and craned his head to catch sight of the alarm clock by her side of the bed. "It's almost nine."
"Tomorrow?" It hadn't even been dinner time when she had gone to bed.
He smirked. "Today, actually."
Meredith rolled her eyes. "Smart ass."
His hand found her hair, his fingers running through the strands. "You slept for more twelve hours."
She groaned and shifted onto her back, wincing as she tried to stretch. Although her ribs weren't as shockingly painful as they had been just a few days before, she was still greeted with a bombardment of pain when she tried to move in certain ways. "I guess it was nice to finally be able to sleep without being woken up every few hours by annoying hospital staff."
He chuckled. "You're one of those annoying hospital staff some of the time."
"Shut up."
He chuckled again, but said nothing.
Meredith took a breath, and then carefully sat up, grimacing as her sore body cried out in protest.
Derek was immediately sober, moving to support her, and eventually coming to rest beside her, his arm supporting her back.
Despite hating how much she was relying on him, Meredith leaned into his support. "I hate this."
He pressed his lips against the side of her head. "Me too."
"Tell me it'll get better."
"It'll get better," he repeated obediently, but with too long a pause.
She turned to meet his eyes, noting how tired he looked. "Derek..."
His expression immediately changed. His eyes hardened, his lips tightened every so slightly and his face became cold and expressionless. "What?" He tried lightly, feigning ignorance.
She narrowed her eyes at him, able to see through his attempts. He was hiding from her, shutting himself away. "Stop."
"Stop what?"
"This." She gestured at him. "This fake Derek thing."
"I don't know what you're-"
"You know exactly what I'm talking about."
He looked away from her eyes, actively avoiding her gaze.
She sighed. "Please don't make me argue with you, Derek. I'm exhausted, and it'll take all of my energy to get to the bottom of...whatever it is you're doing, or hiding, or whatever..."
"Meredith." His voice was sweet as he spoke her name, as if it were something to be cherished. He returned his eyes to hers and tilted his head every so slightly, offering her a smile. "There's nothing to get to the bottom of." He craned his neck and pressed his lips against hers. "So, you can save your energy, okay?"
Meredith stared into his eyes for one, two, three seconds. And then she hit him. It was weak, limited by her low energy level, but it was enough to tell him she was serious. He was good at the charming thing, and normally she enjoyed it. But she wasn't about to let him use it against her. "If you're going to act like a chauvinistic jackass, you can leave."
His jaw dropped as he gaped for something to say. "Meredith..."
"No," she demanded, refusing to allow him to take her hands, and did her best to move away from him so that he was no longer supporting her. "I'm fine with you being all hover-y and here all the time saying things if you're still being you, but this, whatever it is you're doing right now, has to stop."
"I'm just tired," he tried.
She scoffed, feeling tears prick the backs of her eyes, but she blinked hard. She would not cry in front of this new and unwelcome side of the man she loved. "Did you sleep last night?"
"A little."
"Derek-"
"I just couldn't sleep. It's not a big deal."
"It's a big deal when you refuse to tell me what's bothering you."
"It's nothing," he soothed, reaching for her hand.
Meredith snatched her hand away from his again, her eyes filling with tears despite her attempts to stop it. "And now you're lying to me. I'm not a freaking invalid, Derek! I got hurt, and now I'm stuck being tired and pathetic while I recover, but that doesn't give you any right to treat me with little kid gloves. I'm still me." She sucked in a painful breath, tears streaming down her face as she tried to stop shaking. And she watched in awe as Derek's blue eyes filled with tears.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. His arms came out towards her, as if he was going to hug her, but them he stopped, not touching her, and flailed. "Damnit," he cursed. "I'm so sorry, Mer. All I want to do is hold you. And I can't even do that." He settled for cupping her face in his hands, his thumbs brushing away her tears. "I don't know what to do here, and I keep screwing up."
"I wish you could hold me too," Meredith found herself whispering, leaning into his hands as she clutched at the fabric of his tee shirt with her own. As much as she hated being coddled, the thing she craved the most were his arms around her, pulling her into his chest. His lips on hers. His body crushing her against the mattress of their bed. She needed to feel alive again, to feel capable of being his partner.
"Oh, Meredith," he murmured, leaning his forehead against hers. "I wish I could get this right."
She swallowed hard, moving her hands to his, holding them against her own face. "You're here, Derek. You've been here the whole time. If that's not getting it right, I don't know what else is."
He mumbled something against her, but she didn't catch his words.
"What?"
He pulled away abruptly and shook his head. "Nothing."
Tears sprang to her eyes once more; he was pulling away again. "Derek, please..."
He looked down, staring at their now entwined fingers. "I just need you to get better."
She nodded to herself, trying to control her own insecurities long enough to address his. He obviously needed comfort more than her. "I'm getting better, Derek. Every day. I'm sorry that I'm not...normal yet, but it will happen. Soon. Just give me some time."
"I just hate that everything changed." He mumbled, eyes still downcast, seemingly engrossed with their joined hands.
Meredith inhaled a shaky breath. "I'm sorry," she said again. "I'm trying to get better. Being home will help. And it's not like they'll be any big scars or anything. I mean, there'll be some small ones, but nothing huge... And I know that's a change, but-"
He looked up sharply, cutting her rambling short. "What are you talking about?"
She swallowed, ignoring the small tremor in her hand. "Changes," she stammered. "You hate the changes. But they're temporary, well, most of them are. And I'm doing my best to get better."
His expression dropped dramatically. His eyes filled with more sorrow than she had ever seen, and when he spoke, his voice was that of a broken man. "Meredith... I didn't mean you. God, I'm sorry. I'm an idiot; I know how you feel about these things." He shook his head. "I love you," he stated, grasping her hands tight. "Nothing is ever going to change that. You take as long as you need to get better, and we'll go from there."
"But..." She found herself stammering, thrown off by his sincerity. "What else has changed?"
That, apparently, was the right question to ask. Or the wrong one, in Derek's case. His expression dropped even further, and all self-doubt Meredith was feeling about her body faded away.
"Derek?" She prompted.
"I just need you to get better," he repeated. "I need to start getting something right."
"What do you think you haven't done right?"
"Everything." He still wasn't meeting her eyes.
"Derek, that's stupid. That's so far past stupid, it's...really stupid. Or whatever. The point is that you've been perfect this week. You've been here every second. You got me out of the water. You were there when I woke up. You were there for everything, Derek."
He shook his head, muttering something under his breath.
And again she couldn't understand him. "What?"
"It never should have happened, okay?" He snapped, finally meeting her eyes again. His were flashing with self-deprecation and anger. "I let it happen."
"What... What are you talking about?"
"You fucking drowned, Meredith! I was there and I let it happen."
She jumped at his tone, kept her eyes trained on his. "You were doing your job-"
"If I had done my job, you would have known how to swim."
Her heart constricted. Of course he would blame himself. "Derek..."
"I knew you couldn't swim. I've known it for fucking months. How many opportunities have I passed up to teach you?"
"It's not your job to-"
"It is my job! I promised you, Meredith. I fucking promised to teach you how to swim. And I let you down."
"You never let me down, Derek."
"I promised to teach you, and I didn't and you drowned. That sounds like I let you down to me."
"Stop it!" She found herself shouting. "Just. Stop. Derek, seriously, I doubt one or two swimming lessons would have saved me. But do you know what did save me? You! You freaking saved me, Derek. Do you not remember that? Because I'm pretty sure I've been told a hundred freaking times that it was you that found me. It was you that jumped into the water. It was you that saved me."
He was still for a long moment. Two. Three. And then he closed his eyes and bowed his head, defeated. "I can't lose you," he whispered.
Meredith pulled him close, guiding his face to the crook of her neck and burying her fingers in his hair as he cried. Knowing he couldn't clutch at her, he clutched at the fabric of her shirt.
"I can't do this again," he mumbled against her skin. "I can't lose another person. Not you. Never you. You're the only one who understands, who... I need you."
"I'm here," she comforted, stealing his prized line of the week. "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. You've made sure of that."
"For now. But there are no guarantees in life."
Meredith closed her eyes and leaned her head against his, her fingers still buried in his curls. What had happened to the optimistic, glass-is-half-full thinking of the man she loved? Denny had said it would change him if she didn't get back. A few hours without her wasn't supposed to do this. He was broken. Broken.
Meredith had no idea what to say to make it all better; she wasn't used to being the optimistic one. "Maybe not. But we deserve happiness," she tried. "We deserve each other. I'm not going anywhere."
He scoffed against her, shuddering as he fought off a sob. "It doesn't work that way. Bad things happen to good people all the time."
"I know," she whispered, trying to sound soothing. He had this thing that he did with his voice that she wished she could duplicate. It always made her feel better. "And that's the drawback to working in a hospital; we see all the bad. But there's a lot of good, too."
"Not when it matters. You're a doctor, Meredith. You're young and compassionate and you're a doctor. And you almost died trying to help."
She nodded. "The world can be flawed."
"No, the world can be downright cruel."
The integrity of his voice struck a cord within her, and she pushed his head away to meet his eyes. "What else has happened to you, Derek?"
He shook his head, pulling away from her hands and avoiding her gaze.
His reaction told her she was right beyond a shadow of a doubt. Something had happened to him, something he was good a keeping hidden away from the world, something she hadn't ever noticed before. "Derek, please..."
He met her eyes for a fraction of a second, and looked away again. "I can't lose anyone else like that, especially not you. I can deal with Addy and Mark and all my friends, but not you. I need you."
"I'm here."
"There are so many things I want to experience with you, so many plans in my head."
"I know. Me too."
"I can't lose you."
"You won't."
"It's easy to think that, to take it all for granted. But things happen; things you have no control over."
Meredith reached for him, cupping his face with her hands, guiding his gaze back to her. "What happened to you, Derek?"
He closed his eyes for a long moment, before meeting her gaze. "I work up one morning and everything was normal. And by the end of the day I was trying to figure out how a fucking two hundred dollar watch is worth a human life."
He didn't have to say any more; she understood. She wasn't the only one who had watched a parent bleed. "Your dad?"
He nodded. "They shot him for his watch. My mom saved up for it, and he wouldn't give it up."
"Crap, Derek. I'm sorry."
"It was a long time ago." He was avoiding her gaze again.
"It doesn't matter when it happened."
"It was horrible. I don't like to think about it. And I was stupid enough to let myself believe that I would never lose you."
She stayed silent for a long moment, her heart clenching painfully. "I can't promise you that will never happen. But I can promise you that I'll never choose to leave you. And that I'll always fight tooth and nail to stay with you."
He nodded absently.
"Hey," she called softly, bringing his eyes back to hers. "It scares me too; that I could lose you. But I remind myself that you're here now. That's all we can know for sure."
"Okay," he whispered.
"I'm sorry I put you through this."
His expression changed quickly. "This whole thing is so far from being your fault."
"It's far from being yours either."
He offered her a smile. "Maybe. But you're not supposed to be worrying yourself about anything other than getting better."
She pointed a finger at him. "Hey. I told you; I'm not an invalid. I'm still perfectly capable of being here for you."
The atmosphere surrounding them had lightened for a welcome moment, but now fell back into heaviness. Derek looked haggard and defeated. He could definitely use some rest, as could she after that marathon talk.
And things always seemed better after some sleep.
"Lie down," she commanded, pushing at his chest.
"What?"
"Lie down. We're going to sleep."
"But-"
"No buts. I'm exhausted, and you look worse than I feel. So, sleeping."
He offered her a small smile. "I like it when you're bossy."
She returned the smile easily, her heart warm at the unwavering belief that they would be okay. It wouldn't be easy, but they would get through it. "Just lie down."
"Okay," he conceded, finally giving way to gravity.
She pushed him to move over before lowering herself down right beside him, pressing her back against him as she shared his pillow.
"What are you doing?"
She dragged her pillow over and laid it across her front. "Give me your hand."
"What are you doing?" He repeated, but obediently reached his hand across her side.
Meredith grasped onto his hand and pulled his arm around her, so that he was holding her and the pillow tight.
"Meredith," he started, trying to pull his hand away.
"Stop." She commanded, holding his hand in place against the pillow. "Everything sucks right now, and we won't be able to make sense of any of it until we get some sleep. And I really need you to hold me, and I think you need it too."
"I don't want to hurt you."
"You're not."
"Promise?"
"I promise."
He shifted a bit behind her. "Okay." His knees found the backs of her legs, and his exhales began hitting the back of her neck. His arm tightened on its own around her, his hand splayed across the pillow protecting her chest. "Is this okay?"
She covered his hand with hers, this time not to hold it in place, but to offer him comfort. "Perfect. It's actually nice...the pressure from the pillow...it feels good."
He kissed the back of her neck. "Good."
"I love you, Derek," she whispered, closing her eyes as she lost herself in the familiarity of their position. It had been so long.
His breath was warm against her as he snuggled closer. "I love you too, more than anything else in the world."
Status Power Mingguan
-- Peringkat
Power 
-- Power
stone