Bab 20: C20: Shawn
[ Monday, September 12 ]
"Shawn, can we talk?" Whenever Amethyst asks me this question, it makes me think that it has something to do about either my personal life or asking a favor.
"Well, we are talking like, right now." I blinked, waiting for the details of what she's about to tell me next.
"I need to fix things little by little," she pressed her lips together and looked up to me. "I'd like to borrow your laptop. I'm going to send Summer an email to tell her that I'm here. I can't use my social media accounts because they'll know that I went online. Email is the best option I've got."
My eyes widened a bit upon hearing her words. Summer. The name always triggers me. What Amethyst said gave me the thoughts that Summer's going to be here sometime soon. If that'll be the case, I have to brace myself and mend things with her and decide where our complicated relationship would really go.
"What exactly are you planning to tell her, if I may ask?"
"Everything that she needs to know. About what really happened, that I'm here with you, the kids, what I really feel about Vaughn and Sasha and my plans. I still don't have any plans about coming back, but I need to talk to her. She's the only person that I can trust."
Without any word, I walked into my room and took my laptop, turned on the router and gave the laptop to her as I step out of my room. "Here you go."
"Do you have any password here or something?" she asked as she turned my laptop on and just like what she was expecting, my user account with my photo facing the sunset asks a password.
"Just as I thought," she commented. "Mind entering it?"
"Oh boy, it's not like it's hard to guess. What do you think is my password?"
Amethyst rolled her eyes. "How should I know? It's not like I know how your mind works." My mouth twitched for a second. Whether I'll type it or she will, she'll see what I'm hiding in my laptop. It's too late for her not to find out.
"The name of your sister, all caps." I sighed and turned my back to avoid seeing her reaction.
Amethyst didn't bother to comment. Although I heard her reaction upon logging in, which was a sound of someone who got shook. I can't blame her for reacting like that, I already see that reaction coming ever since she asked me if she can borrow my laptop.
"You value my sister this much?" Amethyst asked empathetically. Her question made me frozen and I couldn't think of any other words to say.
"You two … looked very happy in your wallpaper here." I turned my back to face her. I hold myself back from reminiscing for it hurts even more.
"We were, yes," I said in a monotone. "I asked a staff to take a photo of us when we were skating and we reserved that skating rink just for the two of us so the rink was closed that day. We only skated for three hours, though."
"Three hours is a long time if you ask me," she commented. "I would've done piles of works in a matter of three hours."
"Says the workaholic one," I rolled my eyes and looked away. "Those three hours only felt like half an hour for me. I totally got carried away. You mentioned how workaholic you were, right? Can you even have some time for Vaughn when everything was still … you know, fine?"
"Quality time has been a problem. I was too devoted to my work and I pretty much married it. I didn't expect that Summer frees up her time to spend it with you before. I had no idea."
"In a relationship, time matters. If you value someone, you'll always make time for them. I know how busy Summer is, and so was I. But we managed to make time because we'll both benefit from it. We started as friends, became best friends and then we dated," part of me is already stopping me from telling more details but I already began, it's hard to stop. "We're each other's stress-relievers. But if we're too busy, I'll call her in the evening before sleeping just to talk about how our day went. We always … we always end it with a good night and I love you. Every morning as soon as I wake up, I'll text her good morning and have a nice day. Sometimes she does it first. It has always been like that."
"I'm sorry about that, Shawn."
"There's nothing to be sorry for," I sat next to her and rested my elbows on my lap and I laid my head on my hands. "There are some things in this world that look perfect, but as much as we want it to be ours, it's not for us and that's the fact of life. We can't have everything that we want. Nothing or nobody's perfect in this world. She isn't perfect but I see her as one, which is a dumb illusion." I cleared my throat as I sit up straight, composing myself. "My mistake was, I made her my world. So, when we had to separate ways, I was devastated. Too devastated, to the point where I can't help but feel bad whenever I remember her."
She just looked at me as I say my sentiment and a few moments later, Amethyst looked at the laptop, covered her mouth and blinked tears.
I raised my eyebrow as I look at her. "What are you crying about?"
She wiped her eyes and took a deep sigh. "It's just that, I feel bad for the two of you. Everything was working perfectly but things happened. At the same time, I realized that I should've spent more time with Vaughn whenever he asked me out. I was so selfish. All I thought, I was a very organized person who has a timetable to follow, but I regret the fact that I didn't make time. I should've known." As soon as she said the last word, she broke down even more. The story behind her tears aren't because of my story, but because she realized her mistakes about not giving time for Vaughn.
"As harsh as this sounds, but regret is a waste of time. You can still fix things, you know? All you have to do is to swallow that pride and forgive. I'll do the same when I'll get a chance to meet Summer. So, stop wasting your time crying over something you can't undo. Instead, do what you're supposed to do. I'm not your father to instruct you what to do next. Grow up." I stood up and left her in my room to avoid hearing more words from her. I am not regretting any of my decisions, but I could've done better. There's still time to fix it, and once I get the chance, I'm not letting her go unless everything's settled.
----------------------------------------
[ Saturday, October 1 ]
The day when Summer will pay Edevieth a visit already came. I woke up at 6 am and went to the beach for a morning walk which is my routine. Amethyst didn't mention Summer's arrival time, but whatever the case, I should prepare what I have to say. I prefer things to come naturally because thinking of what I should say feels like it's scripted. As much as I hate this, I must think at least some of the things that I must tell her – I have to apologize, explain why I wasn't able to come when I was supposed to go to her place, tell her what I've been doing since I got here, how Amethyst was like, talk about 'us,' and lastly, tell her what I really feel and make it clear that I still love her.
That plan will cost me to swallow my pride, to be honest about everything, but I can't miss another chance. I'm not letting this day go to a waste.
I returned back home at 7:30 am and looked for Amethyst. The kids were still asleep in their room while Amethyst was helping my mother cook breakfast for everyone.
"Amethyst," I called as I enter the kitchen while panting. "Can we talk for a while? I need to ask you about something important." Without any word, Amethyst walked towards me, ready to hear what I'm about to say. I have a strong feeling that she already knows, for things are too obvious. She knows that I've been waiting for this day for a long time already.
"What time will Summer come? Is my mother aware that she'll be here?" I asked. Amethyst smiled a bit as if amused about how worried I am.
"She said she'll arrive at around 9 am. Just let me talk to her first, and then you can have her for the rest of the day. Your mother is aware, I had to tell her. Is she aware of your relationship with her?"
"Honestly? No. But I believe she knows that I've been upset about leaving the capital, so she must have an idea even though she never asked. If Summer arrives, tell her that I'll be waiting near the breakwater. I'm liking the weather because it's cloudy. The sun is hiding its face, so talking at noontime won't scorch the skin. Probably at 1 pm or 2 pm. I'll be waiting there."
Amethyst chuckled and smiled upon looking up at me. "What's so funny?" I narrowed my eyes upon asking. I was so serious about my plans, yet this annoying lady managed to laugh about the idea. What was that even for?
"So, you'll meet her by the beach kind of drama, is it? I like the idea. I got it. I'll definitely tell her that. The breakwater's pretty far from this house and it's pretty rare to see the people there. Privacy concerns, I can imagine."
I decided to lock myself in my room right after talking to Amethyst. At 9 am, if Summer won't be late, they'll definitely talk inside Amethyst's room and that's when we can talk. When the clock struck at 12 pm, I sneaked out and headed to the breakwater to wait for Summer.
The clock struck at 1:20 pm and I decided to sit in front of the beach while waiting. The reason why I feel nervous feel wrong, for I surely know what I should accomplish today. Why am I like this? This is a time to reunite, not a firing squad.
"Shawn," a familiar voice called from behind, and I gulped as I heard her voice. My hands felt like they're freezing, but the good news is this - The person that I've been waiting for is finally here. Summer.
I looked back and stood up to face her. Her lips are sealed, her facial expression softened as I looked at her. There's only one thing that I want to do right now and that is to pull her to a hug. But as much as I wanted to do that, I don't feel like I have the right to. I don't even know what we are now.
"Summer, I …" I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to remember the things that I should tell her but I don't know how to start. Seeing her made my stomach turn. My hands and feet are freezing cold and my heart beats fast like a drum in my chest that felt like it's going to explode any second from now, and that feeling where I don't want to mess up this time. Where should I even start?
"I'm sorry," we both said in chorus. Our eyes widened, surprised that we both said the same thing.
"Hey, you don't need to be sorry. Everything's my fault." I said, and she just looked down. "Look, I know that I was supposed to go to your place last time but I wasn't able to because of Amethyst's car accident. I know I had to rescue her even though I had no idea about who she is. I just jumped into the river hoping to save a life. But that doesn't mean that I completely forgot about you."
"I know that and you don't have to be sorry about it. In fact, I want to thank you for saving my little sister," she shrugged. "How was she?"
"You two talked earlier. Why would we discuss her? I want us to discuss us."
"Discuss what?"
I shoot her a daggered glance. I hate the fact that she's acting to be innocent, even if we both know that there are lots of things to fix. I closed my eyes to stop myself from scaring her, which is the right thing to do. I snapped out of my thoughts and walked closer to her and even if part of me is stopping me, I pulled her into a hug anyway.
Summer lend her weight on my shoulder while I secured her in my arms. She heaved a breath as if trying to find the right words but no words came out of her mouth. I myself don't know what to say.
A few seconds later, she broke down and started beating my chest.
"I hate you, Shawn Daniel Barron. I really hate you for everything that you've done," she said with conviction as she sniffed. "You don't know that you're breaking my heart every day. I kept on asking so many questions about everything about us, yet you left me hanging. I kept myself busy with my work and I can manage, but before going to bed, I keep on looking at my phone hoping that you'll call like you used to, tell me how your day went … and I was waiting to hear you say that you love me …" her tears poured out even more like a faucet and leaned her head on my chest. "You don't know how much I hate you, but I missed you so much."
"Let me get this straight. Summer Monteverde, I still love you, and I'm sorry if I broke your heart. You know that's not my intention. I know we have different priorities and everything's complicated, but even if it's complicated and I can't promise you anything, I just want you to know that I love you. I really do and I'll always do. Just like you, I keep on thinking about you too, especially before I sleep. I keep on wondering how's your life going and how we can fix things. But I've been a coward who didn't exert any effort to reach you. I lost my phone when I saved your sister so I can't call you, but I could've reached you online but I didn't. I'm really sorry about that. I'm not expecting you to forgive me after everything, but I just had to tell you those." I hugged her even tighter and kissed her head. I ran my fingers through her hair like I used to and whispered to her ear, "I love you, Summer. How can I even make it up to you? I missed you so much."
Summer calmed down and tears stopped from coming out. She rested her head on my shoulder and hugged me back. Her sobs turned into quiet, erratic hiccups. "I just wanted to hear those words from you, Shawn. Just like you, I want you to know that I still love you even after everything that you've done. I can't be mad for long, you know? I heard what you had to say. What happened before doesn't matter anymore, let's forget those. But we should really decide about us. About where should this go? You know that."
"I want to tell you one another thing before discussing the solution," I whispered. "Before I sleep, I can't help but imagine those moments when we were together. The memories always haunt me."
She chuckled. "Your past will always haunt you. I'm your past and I'll never let go of you, that's why."
"You sound to be so confident that I'll never get over you. What gave you that conclusion? How can you be so sure?"
"I trust my gut. I can feel that you still haven't moved on and I was right after all." I pulled away and wiped the last of her tears. She smiled at me even though I can see how tired she is. Her eyes are swollen and her face is as red as a tomato. "I thought you were the kind of person who bases everything on facts and not based on your feelings? Where's the old Summer that I know?"
"I mostly follow what I think is right but sometimes I also consider what I feel. Although I know that those are assumptions and I can be wrong."
I nodded and offered a hand. "Can I?"
Summer lifted her right hand and I squeezed it as we walk along the beach hand in hand, stopping at the water's edge. Just then, a large wave crashes into the shore, enveloping our feet in the water.
"Living here must be fun and peaceful," Summer commented. "I like being with nature, but life is in the city."
"I know that. I'm not going to lie, I have … I have plans for our future. I can visualize going back there where we … we can get married and have a house built and things like that. But I don't know how. Currently, I've been thinking about those kids. I can't just leave them since nobody seems to be interested to keep them. Unless I can be sure that all of them will be taken care of, I'm not leaving this place."
Summer paused as if thinking about all the things that I've said. If I'll be too honest, I wanted to say I can't imagine being with someone else. I can't imagine loving someone else or saying I love you other than Summer. She's the first woman that I loved and I don't want to let her go unless she'll tell me to. Besides, even before entering this relationship, I already visualized her as someone I'll marry and that is because I want things to be long-term since I'm staying away from the heartbreaks. However, it has always been a part of it. All relationships go through trials and the strong ones will hold on to each other no matter what.
"If you're worried about the kids, well … I can't imagine them having a future on this island. The city has a lot more to offer. It'll take some time to build schools and houses in this place. I think it'll be better if they'll be transferred to the orphanages in the city. But if you want to keep all of them …"
"That's actually my issue. I already have an attachment with these kids, I don't want to give them away. I'm already like their father you know? Although they see me as their older brother." This is exactly the reason why I can't just bring them to the city. If I'll build my own house there since dad's not willing to keep these kids, I'll be thinking about marriage too. Personally, I know that I'm in the right age to get married. Also, I know that I'm mature enough for it and I believe Summer too. But the thing is, is she even willing to be in a house where I'll keep seven kids that aren't our kids? I wanted to ask her that, but I feel a bit shy about it. I mean, we're trying to mend things, it's too early to talk about marriage. Not to mention, his family isn't even aware of our relationship.
Summer let go of my hand and placed one of her hands on her waist.
"Shawn, I want you to be completely honest with me. I can see that you get lost in thoughts and you're surely thinking about something. I want to hear it." I placed a hand on my nape and gulped, hesitant to say what I really have in mind. Speaking out my thoughts at the moment can be embarrassing, but I don't get a chance to talk to her like this every day, so I should grab the chance.
"I, um …" I feel like my cheeks are getting warm and I keep on thinking of better words than straightly saying that I want to marry her. Summer raised her eyebrow, giving me a 'come-on-spill-it-now-I'm-waiting' look.
"Alright. I'm not really planning to say this but you asked so I will anyway. I was thinking that if I'm going to take the kids to the city, build a house where I can keep them, I'm … I'm also thinking about marriage." I decided to look away to hid my embarrassment. "I was afraid to talk to you about it because our relationship is complicated. Plus, I'm also considering how you'll react with the idea of keeping seven kids. That's a lot to handle." With the corner of my eye, I tried to see how her reaction is like.
"Oh. Now that's … something." She commented, which didn't satisfy what my ears are longing to hear. "I don't really know what to feel about this."
"Just as I thought. I already knew that you'll get shook. But you see, that's … what I want, if I'll be really honest. Handling that many aren't easy, I'm telling you."
Summer chuckled and looked away. "You know what, Shawn? I should be introducing you to my family first."
"You're right about that, but I don't want you to think that I'm proposing to you right now. If I will, I have to do it the right way, not like this."
Status Power Mingguan
-- Peringkat
Power 
-- Power
stone