Bab 54: She Who Worries

I stared at my computer unable to write anything. I was supposed to be working on the outline of the ninth and tenth books of my series. But something was blocking the words from flowing.

I looked up and stared at the clouds that covered the Highland sky. They were gray again. Been like that for the few days. I am not sure if the weather has been matching my mood, but as of now all I could say is that I am in a slump.

Being called "mum" by an immortal threw me off my axis. I closed my eyes and tried my best to ignore the elephant inside the center of my head these past few days. Duncan's son, Cú Chulainn, accidently called me "mum" a few days ago. To say I was shocked was the understatement of the year.

Small warm hands suddenly enclosed around me from behind. Nicole had a knack of knowing if I was not okay or not. I smiled, when I heard her say, "I love you, mommy."

"Mommy loves you too, baby," I replied.

"I'm not a baby, mommy," Nicole said.

I could feel her pouting on my nape and I had to stop the laugh coming out from my mouth. My little girl tends to hit people when pissed. "I know, Nikky. Since you are my youngest, you will always be mommy baby," I replied, untangling her arms around my neck and facing her. "Even if you are old and have gray hair, you will always be my baby."

Yep, there was that pout. She really hates it when I call her "baby" in her mind, babies were little children that still needed to be taken care of. I know she was capable. She was the one to comfort me when I was crying those past few years.

Now that we were free of those chains, I wanted her to feel carefree. To live like a child should be. But looking at her, I know that the pain from the past had changed her.

"We could have another baby..."

The whisper was so soft, that I almost misheard her, yet I remained silent. I heard Claude calling for Nikky, so I pulled back and kissed her forehead before I let her join her older brother. Then I also heard Colin's voice, telling them to bring towels and because he doesn't want them to be sick. I shook my head, the man clearly knows how to take care of children, he should have a family somewhere.

I closed my eyes and listened to their fading footsteps. I felt the changes that had been happening to me for the past few days. It was another thing that made the words inside my head stopped flowing. The worry that I was not me anymore.

Fall whined beside me as if he knew i was in distress. He had been more attuned to me after the Angus incident, more protective. Of course, the kids were his favorite, but when Duncan was out of sight, he acted like my guardian. I rubbed his head to reassure him I was okay. Then I sat back one chair and closed my eyes. Not sure if adding a baby to the mix will help me, though.

Baby. The word echoed inside my head that I groaned in frustration. Why am I thinking about it in the first place? So far, me and Duncan had shared kisses, and those…

The thought of the things he did with his mouth and fingers was enough to make me blush. My body can also not also help but respond to the memory he imprinted on my body. He was different.

I heard Fall leave me alone. The soft clicks of his nails against the floor gave him away. For a big dog, he was silent when he needed to be. And noisy when the time comes. One thing was sure though, Fall was a war hound.

I took several deep breaths and let them out as slow as I could. The emptiness of the room made it easy for me to fall back on my old habits of meditating when I have a chance.

The first take of air calmed my heart, the exhale stabilized that I'm okay. The second time I breathed helped me with the balance of my being, the third helped me find the place where I needed to me.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Each time I did it, my mind began to clear and the emptiness of my mind I longed to have was within reach. I was not throwing things or ideas inside my head. What I needed was a space and to organize the thoughts that had been floating in my mind.

The kids, if Belle would be undergoing renovation. The incident about Angus, the sudden appearance of Thor, now Colin.

Then there was Duncan.

All of my worries started to leave the moment I thought of him. It was like he was a balm that my mind needed. I never had a man influence me like he does. Although he never told me what I should do, his suggestions were good.

I could feel myself smiling. He was in Dublin again. The message he sent me told me to relax and let Colin do the thinking. I had to laugh. How could I possibly do that?

Duncan, in a way, had somehow taken over ~ not complete~ the things I had been doing alone for along time. I do not have to bother with the groceries, with the laundry. The house was clutter free unlike before.

My kids had started to be independent slowly. I saw Nikky pick up her toys on the floor and arrange them in their box the other day. Even Claude was helping out in cleaning the house.

And during dinner time, they would be putting the dishes in the sink, and washing them. Simple things that they never have done before, were now slowly becoming a norm.

All because of him.

I admit, I tend to do the bulk of the work at home and at The Belle. It was a way to thank Jane. She had been telling me to stop, that I should not over work myself, yet I still do. looking back then, I was trying to compensate for the lack of income I generate. I was still thinking of it was work. That if I work hard, I would get paid better.

All that changed a year after we came here... and much more has changed since then.

As I looked at the screensaver of my PC I knew that something had changed. That the things I could see were merely a scratched on the surface. Something bigger was about to happen and it centers around me and the kids.

How do I know? A gut feeling. I only hope that I can battle this head on.

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KIRIM HADIAH

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