Bab 7: He Who Saved Her Kids

Claude could have died.

"Lass?" Duncan asked.

Julie could hear Duncan asking if she was okay, but all she could see was the image of her son.

Drowning on a cold lake, trying hard so hard to stay afloat while Nikky screamed and cried for help.

A sob broke from her closed lips. [I could have lost him,] Julie thought. They should not even be in that place. Has she been so lax these past five years?

"Ah, lass, don't cry," Duncan said. "They are fine. I was there."

Julie sniffed, as tears ran down her face. She wanted to say something but the words were stuck in her throat.

"You are looking at Claude, aren't you?"

She nodded.

"Julie, nodding at me when you know I cannot see you is stupid, right?"

She let out a broken laugh and wiped her tears as she stepped inside Claude's room. She sat on his bed and swept his hair off his face.

Her firstborn.

She could remember the first time she found out she was pregnant.

"I was not ready to be a mom, Duncan. I never wanted to be a mom," Julie told him. "I knew deep inside that I can never be a good mom. I was too lazy, and at the same time, I knew that something was wrong with me. I do not want my kids to have it."

Fear.

It was the first emotion she felt when Julie saw the two lines in the PT kit. Next was numbness. Happy? She was not sure if she felt happy while she was pregnant with Claude. But it changed when he was born.

Oh, she was happy. Happy that he was healthy. Happy that he was a perfect baby. But that euphoric feeling that other people were saying about giving birth?

She never felt that.

There was no sense of accomplishment. No sense of elation. She did not plan her firstborn's path the minute he was born. No, what did was accept her responsibility as a mother to a child she gave life to.

Julie kissed her son's forehead, stood up, and partially left the door open. Her kids never liked sleeping in a different room from hers. It was a miracle that they relented once they were in Scotland.

Next, she went to Nicole's room. Her little girl was surrounded by her menagerie. All her stuffed toys were also on the bed with her. It was a sight to see.

"When Nicole came along, I still did not feel that happiness..."

When she gave birth to Nicole, things were a little different. She was working the whole time she was pregnant. So her expenses were better. She still gave birth to the province, it was cheaper after all.

But…the promises the ex said, they were just that. Promises. If she had followed his advice not to work and let him earn money for them she would still be buried over a mountain of debts.

Julie sat and reached for her daughter's hand, it was soft and smooth. She could feel that she had been biting her nails again though.

"And the father? How did he feel?" Duncan asked.

"He was happy. Despite not having a decent job, he was happy," she replied. "but me..."

"You were already trying to calculate the amount of money you need to raise two kids," Duncan finished.

"Yes," she closed her eyes once more.

Julie was tired. And after learning that she could have lost her children, made her want to quit working just to make sure no harm can come to them.

"Are you goin' to wrap them in a bubble wrap?"

"Heh?"

Duncan sighed and said, "You were saying your thoughts out loud, Julie."

"Damn. I need to break that habit," she muttered to herself.

She kissed Nicole before leaving the room.

"Lass, Julie," Duncan began. "You are doing your best."

"Claude shouldn't even be near that loch." She answered back. "How the hell could you say 'I'm doing my best?'"

"You cry, lass."

The simple statement made her lean against the wall and slowly slide down till she was sitting on the cold floor.

"You do what you can to let them grow. From the handful of times I have been with them, Claude makes sure that Nikky is not with strangers. You let them explore, and you let them learn." Julie could hear a clink of a glass, before he continued, "You were happy when they were born, lass. You just choose to face the reality of what will happen rather than basking on a feeling that most people gushed over. It doesn't make you a bad mother, you are simply being realistic."

Julie wanted to cry again at that very moment. Here was a man, who she just met saying words that no man had told her.

Everyone she knew had told her she was imagining things. That she should have done better. That she should look for a far better job. That she should stick with the man who she had married. After all, that was married was about.

For richer, and for poorer.

Till death do us part.

But…

"Lass, stop," Duncan said. "Remembering your past will not do any good."

"Are you a mind reader?" Julie asked with a small smile playing on her lips.

The man on the other end of the line, let out a husky laugh that sent shivers down her entire body. Julie couldn't remember the last time a man's laugh affected her so much.

It was…good.

"No', I'm no mind reader. I just have this feeling that you are revisiting those memories. It will not help you in the future."

"It does you know," she countered, "looking back helps you remember what are the things you should not do. It helps me plan my next step. There are things in life that we don't want to remember, that we try so hard to bury. But, we can't." Julie said. "It was those chains of events that shaped me today."

"Julie," Duncan said. There was a heaviness in his voice that she couldn't interpret. And honestly, she doesn't want to.

"Thank you. Thank you for the gifts, but I don't want my children to expect something that I know you can never give. Buying the things they want just to get close to me, will only confuse them when you are not around anymore. I don't want that to happen again."

Duncan was silent.

This was it. The ball was in his court. If he was really serious, the next couple of days would be interesting. And if he wasn't, at least she has a new Kindle.

"I see. Thank you for telling me. I apologize." The warmth Julie heard from his voice before was gone. Replaced by indifference.

She shouldn't feel hurt. But damn it!

"I bid you goodnight, Julie. Get some sleep. Goodbye."

Before she could say anything, the line was dead.

[So this was the end. I guess…he was just having fun. I mean, who in the right mind would be attracted to a fat, single woman like me?] Julie thought.

Then why was she crying? Why was her heart breaking into tiny little pieces when Duncan's voice suddenly changed? Why did it feel like she lost something so wonderful, even before it ever happened?

Because Julie knew, deep inside, that she was still that same person she was before…

A loner. A disappointment. And no matter how much she wanted to be loved, she never will.