Bab 8: SEVEN
ELOISE
I couldn't speak. I doubt anyone could. Clay was puffing. His face was red. You could tell those words had been hidden in him for a very long time. There was a twinge of guilt on his demeanor as soon as he finished his statement even if that guilt was not enough for him to retract his statement. It wasn't like he was wrong. It made sense then. Clay hated me for valid reasons. I told his childhood and parents from him. Anybody who had to go through that deserved to be angry.
Mrs. Carter looked at me. Her lips were trembling and the story her eyes told did the final crack on the camel's back. It was one of fear. I had seen it many times and I knew what followed. Before the words could even come from her, I crumbled. The tears I had been reining in came pouring in rounds.
Mr. Carter walked up to his son Clay and grabbed him by the hand. He was rough with it too. "You are going apologize to your sister now!" Through the misty tears that half blinded me, I could see Clay's sneering eyes. I didn't need a medium to tell me what that meant. His dad was yet again dismissing his trauma and focusing on mine instead. It hurt more when I realized that.
Clay shrugged his father's hands off. "I don't think I need to that. The second I leave. You both will groveling for her peace of mind." His eyes wandered my way. "Too bad she will never find it." That nasty retort was no doubt meant for me. Enough said and hearts broken, Clay stepped out and slammed the door behind him.
Nobody followed him. They were all over me. Just like Clay's hypotheses. I couldn't really blame him at his juncture. He needed to hate me to find some semblance of peace.
"Clay will apologize." Dad promised me. But I didn't want that. I didn't even know what I wanted. Oh, I knew alright. But just like Clay had asserted, I would never find it. I would never learn peace.
"I don't want him to apologize," I finally spoke. "He is right you know. I took everything away from him. He deserves to hold all that anger against me. I... I...am bad luck." I wondered if it was cruel to myself when an overwhelming cool washed over me the moment I accepted that sad truth. Was I that pathetic? Was this it? What they all saw?
"You took nothing away from him. Your brother was hurt being unreasonable. You know how he can be." Mom assured, drawing me even closer for a hug. If only those warm embrace could bring me the peace and solace they once rendered. Now. Now they felt like work. Love shouldn't feel like work but this did. Because that tiny voice in my head -not my wolf of course- was convinced that Mrs. Carter was doing this put of obligation. It was simply what mothers did. I retreated. An action that caused mom's brows do furrow. Worry. Fear. It didn't make things better. It only worsened things.
"You are breaking this family. Can't you see?" The pessimistic voice that had lingered in my heart since the accident whispered. I didn't even bother fighting it. The truth couldn't be thwarted.
"The nightmares are back." I began wiping the drying tears off my cheek. It was the first time in months since I had been honest to them. "I know you guys had your suspicions but I couldn't bring myself to tell you. You two have sacrificed so much and more for me."
"Because you are worth it." Mom chipped in. "You are worth more to us than pieces of paper and numbers. Your mental health and functioning is priority. Nothing else." It was almost as if she knew what I was about to say next. I loved her speech. I really did. But it was not convincing. Like before, it felt like Mrs. Carter was reading a mantra on motherhood.
"Except I don't want that to be the case." I retorted with rears threatening to pour once more. Luckily, I had a lot more grasp on my emotions this time around. "I have been going from therapist to therapist. It isn't going to get better. I am not going to get any better than this. I don't want you to throw more money into another dumpster fire. This is another lost cause. I am another lost cause. And don't you tell me I am not. I can see it for myself mom and dad. I'm a fucking white elephant!"
My outburst took the words right out if their mouths. Dad stood there frozen in shock while mother broke into a fit of tears. She ran into Dad's arms and the look in their faces made me progressively worse instead of better. I realized then that I could not stay. I had decided while on the first bus to Ashlake that I was going to take a one day leave from the cafe to reel over that enigmatic werewolf and avoid him should his noble and pompous arse show up to the cafe. With my hands, I had made that plan a whole lot of bullshit. Before both of them could overcome the terrible things I had just spoken about myself. I tiptoed towards the door, opened it and just before I slammed the door back in place, I said my goodbyes and where I was leaving for.
"Wait..." Mom tried to say but the door slammed in place before she could finish her sentence. I, on the other hand took to my heels. I sprinted far off before mom could open the door and call me back. Even when I heard the door open moments after. I flat rightly ignored her calls. I didn't for second look back. Not until I was out of ear and eye shot. I didn't stop until I was in front of the cafe. Only then did I stop to catch my breath. I was hot all over, still in my sweaty yesterday clothes, exhausted and hungry. I wondered if I could work in my dismal state. Food was heavily imprinted in my mind. A hot cup of coffee perforated with sugar and buttered toast would be my go to.
"Sure," My wolf commented. "He would be a nice addition to brunch too."
A feeling of dread consumed me. I had missed it earlier whilst I was gasping for air. But now that my lungs could finally manage, I could not believe I had missed it. That strong yet sweet cologne permeated the air around me. As if my senses finally tuned in sync, I looked through the entry glass that demarcated the Cafe from the outside world. He was right there. Waving at me with a smile on his mouth.
Matthan Gardenia. The bane of my current existence. Fucking prick!
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