Bab 86: The Roast
January 28th, 1786
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the United States of America
"How much for one?"
"A penny. You're in luck because it was printed only an hour ago."
George Brown, head of the Secret Service, flipped a copper penny to the press worker and rustled open the papers to read the daily news. The front page was plastered with major protests that were happening in Maryland and Virginia over the issue of ending slavery. Thankfully, they were peaceful, but to the former Marine, it seemed like these people were protesting against the founding values of the nation. Brown remembered that the ARPA managed to invent a "cotton gin" machine that expedited the process of separating cotton from its seeds. As a result, many planters in the southern states (even South Carolina) were growing large amounts of cotton for profit. Especially since that Moses fellow in Rhode Island and a few others built water-powered textile factories in the north, and Britain and the United States concluded a trade deal that granted the US Most Favorable Nation status. And with these developments, the issue of slavery was rearing its ugly head in the public once again. Plantation owners in Virginia and Maryland wanted an extension to the official deadline of abolition, which was planned to be implemented across the nation in 1797. However, with slavery becoming "profitable," some plantation owners were all too keen on keeping the institution alive for as long as possible while they had the chance to do so. South Carolina and Georgia were evidently opposed to slavery, as both were now African American majority states, but there was much more tension in the two major slave states in the United States. Working in the Presidential Mansion, Brown heard more than his fair share of rumors about the government and he knew that if the president heard about the protests, then he wouldn't take it lightly. The man was a crusader against slavery and was keen to see it disappear off the face of the North American continent.
As he walked down the streets of Philadelphia to head to Congress Hall, he ran into one of the agents under his command, Jim Wilson. Ever since Brown accepted the position as the head of the Secret Service, his friendship with Wilson had grown significantly. He worked with Wilson on a near-daily basis and saw the young man (now in his late twenties) as a close partner and confidant. Wilson also seemed in a rush to get to Congress Hall and greeted his superior before continuing his brisk journey to the building with the African American man in tow, "Morning sir! We need to hurry, or else we'll be late for our shift!"
"I'm coming, Jim," Brown grumbled. He was a bit older now, in his early thirties, and he certainly felt his joints occasionally creak if he attempted to carry out too much physical exercise. He silently thanked his lucky stars that he gave the information about the gold to some of his friends down in South Carolina instead of going down there and mining it himself. Being the head of the Secret Service wasn't entirely physically demanding, though he still exercised a good amount to keep in shape. But mining for gold for years and most likely working on a farm after selling the gold? He couldn't imagine it. He hadn't worked on a farm in years, and the last he did, he was a slave. His place was here: in the city and working for a man he had respected for a decade.
Finally, the two men arrived at Congress Hall, where a large crowd was gathering for the annual presidential event that followed a week after the president's Speech of the Union. The speech was given every year on the third Saturday of January. It was fairly traditional and "ordinary," as Brown guarded the president while he spoke in the last five Speeches of the Union. The president talked about bringing unity to the nation, ensuring the people's well-being, and furthering economic growth in order to enhance the nation's prosperity. He usually spoke about controversial topics too, such as women's rights or accepting slave refugees, but otherwise, the speeches were fairly routine.
However, today was the day that many Americans were focused on.
The "Presidential Roast" sessions happened on the fourth Saturday of January. The event was always highly publicized, attended by many members of the public, and a great way to get a few chuckles out; it was a way to start off the year light-heartedly. It was an event created by President Kim, which wasn't unusual for most of the public. The president was a good leader, but he definitely created a number of strange events and precedents (ranging from the "Roasts" to the strange "memes" which were a form of political cartoons with humorous captions and pictures).
As President Kim put it, the sessions were meant to "make jokes or comments about the president and to help the people understand that the president was also an ordinary citizen."
In other countries, it would have been unimaginable to make jokes or crack insults at the leader of the nation directly in their face. But then again, the United States was unlike any nation in the world.
Wilson and Brown stood guard in front of Congress Hall, patted down every individual for any weapons or dangerous objects, and waited until the Hall was filled with spectators before heading inside themselves. The event was on a first-come, first-served basis, with only a few reserved seats for selective members of government, so the Hall was usually overflowing with people within an hour. As soon as the door closed, President Kim stepped into the room and smiled at the crowd, "Good morning! I am honored to be on the receiving end of yet another one of these sessions for the fourth time."
The crowd let out a good-hearted laugh as the president continued, "As in the previous sessions, we will have a few designated people make some jokes at my expense. Afterward, the podium will be open for those that are brave enough and witty enough to top the jokes cracked at me by those designated people. So without further ado, let us begin!"
As was tradition, Vice President Franklin stepped up to the podium with a script and scowled, "Thank you, Mr. President, for yet another brilliant speech. I nearly fell asleep in my chair since your speeches are always so unique and different. Like your Speeches of the Union."
VP Franklin waited for the crowd to quiet down before continuing, "After working with you for the past several years, I can say with great confidence that I no longer drop my teacups in a start when I hear the Presidential Mansion vibrate. I know that the vibration is due to you screaming, "Oorah!" after answering any questions or commands."
"Another thing I forgot to mention is that the president is looking for a new secretary. The last one he had gone deaf after the last "Oorah." If you are interested in the position, we can provide plenty of earplugs for your own health."
And so the session continued. Snipes and jokes were made towards the president. After the Vice President, Director Washington went to the front and made underhanded comments about retirement and how he himself would be retired after all the Revolutionary War veterans were dead. Some members of the Cabinet and a few friends of the president followed.
Finally, the podium was opened to the public. Brown moved towards the president, who was seated towards the front protectively and watched as an elderly man stepped onto the stage. The man cleared his throat and spoke, "I would like to thank Mr. President for allowing me to come up here and speak so the people can listen to someone else ramble on for hours. The president is half my age, but it feels like he speaks for longer than that when he's on stage. I think I aged a few years while watching the opening act."
Brown let out a loud laugh and saw that the president was laughing as well. The ex-sergeant had to admire that about the president; he was certainly open and transparent. He didn't take any insults to heart and genuinely did his best to help the people stand up more confidently. With these rather "small" actions, the president was creating an environment that encouraged criticism and supported the idea that the people and the government were one and the same.
Which was something Brown could get behind.
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