Bab 39: A Sister Will Love You All Her Life

Lu Yanlin sat, staring blankly at the mirror in front of her. In her hand was a tiny porcelain bottle. She stroked along its smooth surface with her thumb. Those same recurring thoughts rose up in her head, questions she hadn't found answers to.

What was she doing this for anymore?

What was she struggling for still?

Lu Yanlin always had an answer, but this time…

She had already lost everything. Everything she was born with was gone now. Everything she built up, slowly with her own two hands, was also gone. Her parents were gone. It was possible they were dead. She hadn't been able to find out anything about them since they had been separated. Her younger brother was gone too. He would never breathe in the open air again. She would never see him again. Everything Lu Yanlin had dedicated herself to in life: her accomplishments, her career, family, friends. What was left of them now?

Lu Qinyi had planned contingencies in the event that he lost the war. She and their parents had new identities formed for them in a place set aside far from the capital, somewhere they wouldnt be found. Somewhere peaceful with a school where she could teach at. It wasn't anything like the job she had but Lu Qinyi had thought she would like teaching. Lu Yanlin had told him that as long as he didn't lose, she wouldn't have to give up her current life and career to become a teacher. However, despite her words, she felt it wasn't that bad of an idea. That was gone now too. Now she was in the North, in a marriage she didn't want, in a life she didn't want. She had been prepared for it to go poorly, imprisonment, or even death. But she hadn't been prepared for this. Demoted to nothing more than an unwanted wife. She was a living reminder of the fallen Lu family and the fallen country of the South. A thing to be pitied and shunned. Even if she managed to leave here and somehow escaped from this life, where would she go? What was there for her anymore? She was hated and despised. There would be no peaceful life for her now.

She wasn't sure how much longer she could withstand it. She wasn't sure what she was withstanding it for.

She slowly stroked along the delicate bottle in her hand. She pressed her thumb along its edges and across the stopper that kept the liquid contained inside.

What was she doing this for? Living like this for? Tolerating this for?

She had been the strength of her family from the moment she could think on her own. Strong. Independent. Unyielding. Now what was she?

"Madam Feng, you've been called by the master. The guests have arrived."

Lu Yanlin didnt respond at first, as if she had forgotten that was her name now. But eventually she stood, placing the bottle down on the dressing table. She adjusted the skirts of her dress before walking from the room.

—

Lu Yanlin sat quietly until her presence was nearly unnoticeable, much like a decoration that was seen then forgotten. For someone who had once drawn in gazes, that demanded other's acknowledgement by simply entering a room, it still felt wrong for her. After all, she had shone so brightly. She was one of the finest and most respected in her ranks, her family's pride and joy, and her little brother's inspiration and role model. However, this was for the best. She was sick of the look that others gave her now. At first, she still bothered with polite smiles and airs. Now she only stood in the shadow of her husband, Feng Haoran, and hoped the attention would pass over her. That it would grant her some peace instead of dealing with another look or comment that would strain her already dangerously thin patience, that would cut a little deeper into that still bleeding wound that was never given the chance to heal.

It seemed her prayers were unanswered today however.

The conversation strayed until it finally fell onto the passed war and… onto General Lu. "The man never should have been a general. He was a disgrace and he even brought dishonour onto his poor family." The man's gaze flickered over to the previously unseen Lu Yanlin before he added in a remorseful tone, likely simply for airs without any real emotion, "How pitiful your poor wife is. He deserved the fate he got."

Lu Yanlin's subdued expression stirred, like the surface of a lake that reflected a peaceful sky that had been disturbed. The surface rippled and destroyed the illusion and instead revealed the murky waters that lay beneath. Her gaze lifted to fix on the speaker. "My brother fought for what he believed in. He was the first to step in to fight for our country, for the people of the South, for our rights. He had always stated his respect for the North, and for its general. For its people. I can see now that his respect was wasted. None of you are worthy of it." Lu Yanlin's appearance was calm but there was a fierceness contained in her eyes.

The others were all stunned. Feng Haoran was the first to react. "My apologies, you'll have to forgive my wife. She hasn't been sleeping well and it's left her in a poor state of mind. She misspoke." He hurried to explain as he gave Lu Yanlin a look that clearly wanted her to follow his lead. But instead, he was only met with her sharp glare. He stepped forward and took her hand in his, squeezing it slightly. It wasn't to soothe her. It was a warning.

The guests were whispering among themselves and shooting glances at Lu Yanlin.

Lu Yanlin was silent a moment before a cold smile curled at her lips. "I apologise, my words were too harsh. I acted inappropriately. I'll be taking my leave now so I can get some rest." She pulled her hand free from Feng Haoran's grip, bowing only slightly before she turned to leave. Considering her offence and her position, such a slight bow wasn't nearly enough and showed no respect at all. But after being swept with her icy gaze as she turned to leave, no one said a word.

Once she had passed the doorway, she could hear their words from behind her.

"It's truly admirable for you to take her in, Master Feng, I pity you, truly. As if it isn't enough for you to bring her into your family out of the kindness of your heart, despite how it drags down your family, she isn't even grateful! After everything she's been given and after everything her family did, she dares to say such words!"

Lu Yanlin slowly clenched her fist and quickened her steps to leave the room and its occupants behind as quickly as she could.

Feng Haoran sighed deeply. "She's been through a lot. She's normally more polite and better behaved. She is simply unwell right now. Please, don't pay it any mind. I sincerely apologise for any offence."

Feng Haoran then summoned over a servant, leaning in and lowering his voice to a whisper. "Ensure Yanlin does not leave her room."

"Yes sir. How long will she be confined for this time?"

"...I'll decide later. Send her some tea and a new book, that should keep her occupied until I can see her."

"Right away Sir."

By the time Lu Yanlin had reached her room once more, there was a noticeable tremble to her hands. She sunk back onto the seat before her mirror, resting her forehead in her hand as she took a shaky breath. She stared at the little bottle.

What was she suffering for... There was nothing to hold on for anymore.

—

The trip had passed in tense silence. Lu Qinyi avoided talking to him and Fei Li didn't make it any more difficult, only speaking to him and interacting as necessary. It was already at Lu Qinyi's limits to tolerate him and the fact that he spoke politely, albeit coldly, was already a kindness afforded only because Fei Li was assisting him. This continued right up to their arrival at the Feng household, the estate of the family Lu Yanlin married into. Rather than having Lu Qinyi visiting his sister while wearing the unsightly and filthy prison clothes, Fei Li had provided him with simple yet better quality robes to wear, with sleeves and a neckline that would hide the bruises.

Feng Haoran stood at the gates and waited to greet them. His pleasant expression quickly fell once his gaze looked past Fei Li to the man who followed a few steps behind him. Even dressed in ordinary clothes Lu Qinyi was still strikingly recognisable to anyone who knew what they were looking for. And with the similarities he bore to his sister of the same blood, Feng Haoran knew his identity instantly, even if he hadn't been informed of it prior. He still bowed respectfully despite how visibly uncomfortable and uneasy he now was. Fei Li completed a short bow in return. Feng Haoran then gestured for them to follow him, escorting them inside the property.

As they walked along the hallways, Feng Haoran kept glancing nervously at Lu Qinyi. Finally, he piped up as they reached one of the inner doorways, pausing in his steps. "General, as much as I respect you and it's truly an honour to have you here, I have to question the soundness of your decision to bring… him, here. You hadn't informed me that this would be the guest you brought along."

Because you would have found an excuse to deny me if I had. Fei Li glanced at his host. "I had felt it wasn't relevant. He only wishes to see his sister for a short while, and it will only be this once. You won't be bothered again following this visit."

"Yes, of course. But General Fei…" Feng Haoran lowered his voice. "This man you've brought into my household is dangerous, is he not?"

"I'm here, am I not? So long as I'm here, I can guarantee it will be fine. I'm capable of controlling him."

"Right… well, let me take you to-"

"Where is Yanlin?" Lu Qinyi made no comment even as he was the topic of discussion. Only now was he losing his patience after having barely kept his anxiousness contained this entire time. The only feeling he had towards this 'brother-in-law' of his was distaste. He didn't want to bother wasting his time with him as it only tried his patience further.

"Ah, well, about that. Yanlin hasn't been well these days, she is currently resting and isn't in any state to see guests right now."

"I want to see her."

"Like I said, that won't be possible as she can't see guests-" His words cut off with a terrified squeak as Lu Qinyi grabbed him by the lapels, dragging him in closer. His expression was quite dark, irritation and impatience lacing his tone. He didn't budge even as Fei Li stepped in, holding tight onto his wrist.

"I couldn't care less. I'm seeing Yanlin, where is she?"

"T-the west courtyard!" Feng Haoran gasped, struggling in Lu Qinyi's iron hold.

Lu Qinyi gazed at him coldly. "What makes you deserving of being married to my sister?"

Feng Haoran was nearly trembling with fright, looking desperately at Fei Li. "G-general Fei!" Fei Li dug his fingers into Lu Qinyi's wrist.

"General Lu, release him."

Lu Qinyi seemed reluctant, his gaze bearing into the man in his hold. "Go see your sister," Fei Li urged. Lu Qinyi finally dropped Feng Haoran who nearly crumpled to the ground. He casted one last impassive glance before he turned and left.

Fei Li meanwhile pulled the pale Feng Haoran to his feet again. "...Tea?"

—

Lu Qinyi paused as he came up to the half open door to one of the rooms in the West courtyard. There was nothing to prove it but he could tell it was Lu Yanlin's. He was still uncertain of what to say to his sister after everything that happened. But he couldn't hold back from calling out to her once he saw her figure sitting at her dressing table. She was idly combing her fingers through her hair and staring ahead at nothing in particular.

"Jiejie, Yanlin-Jiejie." He could feel the burn of tears of relief and joy at the corner of his eyes as he took a few unsteady steps into the room.

Lu Yanlin spun abruptly, where she sat frozen in disbelief. A moment later, a look of anguish, regret, happiness and finally, relief flashed across her face. "Siyu? You're... here. You're truly here…"

He smiled brightly, nodding his head over and over. "Of course. No matter where you are, I'll come to see you. I'm sorry it took me so long... I'm sorry for..." He had been walking over to her but he stopped as he said this and slowly lowered his head as if he couldn't meet her gaze anymore. She stood up and rushed over, pulling him into her arms. He held onto her tightly, burying his head against her.

"I understand." Those two softly mumbled words were all he ever needed to hear. The familiar feeling of her fingers running lightly over his hair brought up all those buried feelings he couldn't talk about. He felt weak in his knees, leaning further into his sister's embrace. Lu Yanlin stumbled a bit as she bore the weight of the much heavier Lu Qinyi but she didn't say a word of complaint.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I didn't mean for it to be like this..." He mumbled to her quietly, eyes screwed shut tightly against the suffocating pain in his chest.

"I know. It's alright Siyu."

Despite it all, Lu Qinyi smiled faintly. It was alright. It was always alright, just as Lu Yanlin was always there, no matter what he had done. Whether he was a small child, hiding behind his sister's skirts as he had skipped one of his lessons, or an ex-general who had borne the entire weight of a country on his shoulders and fallen beneath it.

"I forgive you Siyu... So I hope you can forgive me as well," she said in a voice that was softer than a whisper, but it held all her pain and misery, her regret, and her acceptance.

"Forgive you? What for?" Lu Qinyi looked up at her with all the confused innocence of a child and she lowered her hand to lovingly caress his cheek. That innocent confusion turned to shock as he saw the streams of tears running down her cheeks. And then to horror as a thin line of blood trickled down from the corner of her lips that still held a gentle smile.

Lu Qinyi gripped her slightly too hard as a cold fear began to rise in him, his stomach twisting. "Yanlin… what did you do?"

She carelessly wiped the blood away with her sleeve before wrapping her arm back around her not-so-little brother. "Please forgive me. I wasn't strong enough... It's too late now."

"Too late for what?" He demanded but in his heart, he already knew. "It's not too late, it can't be too late. You've always been strong, always. You've never been weak!" He had hardly known his unyielding sister to not be strong. Her back was straight and head held high no matter what she faced. Even when she cried, she was still stronger than the best blade of the toughest metal. Strong enough to handle anything.

"Not this time." She whispered to him softly. "I haven't got long left."

It had already been some time. Her insides had long felt like they were on fire, as if they were boiling. Melting. Festering. It was a sickening feeling that only worsened as time dripped by, one of pure anguish. But as one last act of being Lu Qinyi's strong, dependable sister, she wouldn't cry out. Her physical strength didn't match her will however, quickly draining away until she couldn't stay standing any longer, falling forward.

Lu Qinyi hurriedly caught her in his arms, sinking onto his knees as he held her. She was deathly pale now. "No, no, no, please no, you can't. I've always had you. I only have you!" He cried out in distress but his voice came out strangled, his throat burned raw from the overwhelming emotion.

Lu Yanlin could only smile apologetically, the blood that accented the corners of her soft smile beginning to froth and bubble. She had been worried about how her hopeless brother would fare without her, without the guidance, scolding and love she had poured her heart into giving him. She figured they wouldn't have ever been able to see each other again regardless. And now, her last moments didn't contain these thoughts. She only wished to say she loved him, how happy she was to see him. That she was glad by some fortune she got to see him one last time. But she couldn't anymore. Her throat burned and ached, but wouldn't make a sound, not anymore. The poison was acting swiftly now to ebb out the last of her life.

It took all she had to raise her hand, lightly touching the loose strands of Lu Qinyi's hair. She smiled just faintly as she recalled the many times she had brushed it, the young Lu Qinyi squirming about, unable to sit still for even a minute. Their parents couldn't bear to be strict with him and so he wouldn't sit for them, treating it like a game. The maidservants had even less of a chance. Only Lu Yanlin could make him stay in place long enough. She would hum the same lullaby their mother would sing them, tugging on his hair and scolding him when he got too fidgety. But he sat very still right now, mumbling quietly to her, words she couldn't hear. Her vision was next to fade, the imagery of her aggrieved and distraught brother fading into black. His warm tears that dripped onto her face were the last thing she would feel.

—

Many hours had passed by the time Fei Li had thought the siblings had been given long enough for their reunion. He had excused himself from the polite conversation he had been maintaining, finished his tea and walked over to Lu Yanlin's room to collect Lu Qinyi.

What he found when he reached through the open door wasn't the happy scene he had been expecting. Instead, it was Lu Qinyi on the floor of the quickly dimming room. He was holding the body of Lu Yanlin that had long gone cold, the blood at her lips a stark dark red against her unnaturally pale face. Lu Qinyi's face held the remnants of recently spilled tears that had not yet dried. He was staring blankly at nothing in particular. He didn't react at all, even as Fei Li slowly approached.

It didn't take long for him to piece together what had happened.

As Fei Li stared at Lu Qinyi, he didn't know what to say. Was there anything that could be said? So he said nothing, crouching down beside him. He reached his hand out to press two fingers against Lu Yanlin's neck. No pulse, and she was colder than any living being would be. There was nothing that could be done now. He thought for a moment before reaching out again, this time to carefully unfurl Lu Qinyi's fingers which were still desperately digging into the body held in his arms. Lu Qinyi allowed it, still giving no reaction, as if he was also lifeless. Fei Li slowly took over Lu Yanlin's body, standing up with her carefully held in his arms.

Lu Qinyi stood to follow him. His eyes were blank, his face slack. It was as if he were completely numb. He acknowledged nothing around him, only following behind as Fei Li carried Yanlin's body away.