Bab 21: Ocean - Dulling The Pain Part 1
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Ocean
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I didn't want to be around anyone. I just wanted to be alone and think. I wanted to dull the pain of what it was I was feeling. The problem is I didn't even understand what it was I was feeling.
I left school at the end of the day, avoiding everyone. I just wanted to drop my stuff at home and go stare at the ocean from the beach for several hours. That always made me feel better. I guess it comes with having the name Ocean but I always felt the most at home at the beach. I loved being in and near the salty waters. It just felt calming and safe to me.
It was still pretty warm out so I changed into a pair of dark green cargo shorts and charcoal gray t-shirt. I wasn't going to be going into the water, unfortunately, so I put on a pair of slightly older sneakers. With that I was ready to go.
I grabbed a bag that was hidden in my closet. It was my beach bag. It had a blanket, towel, a couple bottles of water, and a case of beer. Going to the beach was my chance to unwind and relax, so I took every advantage of that when I could. Most likely I would be sleeping there until the alcohol was out of my system.
I stopped in the kitchen to grab a cooler and fill it with ice. That would be best to make the warm beer from the closet cold and easier to drink. I didn't need the piss warm beer turning my stomach or anything.
When I got to the beach I parked in my usual spot. This was a part of the beach that was farther down, closer to the tree line. It was rockier than most parts so it wasn't popular with the tourists. Almost no one but me enjoyed coming to this particular spot on the beach.
I set my stuff down and pulled a beer from the cooler. There was a cropping of rocks and a fallen tree that I liked to use as benches. I usually chose the place I sat based on my moods. I was feeling like crap today and wanted to be as one with the ocean as I could without breaking Coach's rules. So, with that in mind I just sat directly on the pebble filled sand. I didn't even set my blanket out first.
The mist from the can of beer I opened then was as close to the water that I was going to get. I wouldn't break Coach's rules, not for anything. If he found out that I didn't listen to him he would probably kick me off the team entirely. I didn't want that at all.
The first beer didn't last long at all. I drank it down in nearly one go. I knew that it was a bad idea to drink it so fast but I didn't really care. All I wanted was to dull the ache, to feel numb.
After the second and third beers I started to think about my life lately. I tried to understand what it was that was going on. When I was on the sixth beer I started to understand a little more, at least I think I was understanding it.
When I thought about Brittney all I could think about was how pissed I was. Since I had been with her, life had actually been hell. I thought she was making things better. I thought she was making me happy. That wasn't true at all though.
Since I had been with Brittney I had only even kissed her twice. In the three and a half months that we were together that was all she had let me do. Thinking about it though I never really pushed the subject. I wanted to have sex of course, what kind of guy my age didn't. But did I really want to have sex with her or just sex in general?
With that in mind I was finally able to stop being so mad about the Brittney thing. It was for the best that I wasn't with her anymore anyway. Then there was the stuff to do with Makai.
Makai was a different story. He came in and was instantly better than me. He swam faster than me all the time. He was instantly popular and he was even on the ballot for class president already. That was everything that I had and wanted.
Thinking about it, I know it's shallow. I didn't want to be that kind of person but it's just the way that things happened. I had always been handed everything in life, I never had to work hard for something that I wanted. Does that mean that having Makai around would be good for me?
Makai could be my rival. He could push me to do better. If it wasn't so clear that we couldn't be friends at all then I would say that he and I could hang out. That was impossible though. There was no getting around the way things were with us.
Not only that, but when I thought about Makai and Brittney together it pissed me off. I wasn't mad that he was with Brittney. I didn't care about her at all. Or maybe I was mad but more because I didn't want him to eventually suffer like I had.
That was probably it. I knew what she was like and I didn't want another innocent guy to fall into her fucking fly tap. He needed someone to protect him. He needed someone to stop him from ruining his life by being with her.
Too bad it couldn't be me. With the way things were going I would probably never be able to bring myself to even talk to Makai. He made me nervous. Seeing the guy, just hearing his name made my heart race, my palms sweat, and my stomach join the trapeze act in the circus. And the more nervous he made me feel, the more unsettled I was, the angrier I got. I couldn't explain it at all.
What was it about him that set me off?
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