I sat at the head of my oversized bed in the back of my jungle palace serenading a pile of fucked unconscious women who look like they should be on the cover of a Manowar album with my magical bass guitar. In thirty minutes or so they should be ready to go again.
Jack and I had always been on the extreme end of sexual appetites, but since transitioning to demigodhood things had cranked up even further. I now understand Zeus. People always give him shit for being such a horny fucker, and he deserves most of it as the guy was very rapacious, but I get it. Randy as a god is no joke.
All that power, all that ego, all that brain blood descending to your boner. It's a recipe for fucked up choices. Dude should have taken a tribe of sexy Amazonians who paint their faces like KISS to serve as his harem so he wouldn't feel the need to turn into animals and rape people. I know I certainly don't feel the need to turn into an animal and rape people, so I must be doing something right.
Jack had left already to go play in the tank I made called The Good Nait. She loved riding around in that thing and shooting the laser panthers that terrorize our new jungle kingdom. I preferred beating them into submission and making them live in my kitty conservatory, but the wife wasn't as thrilled with them trying to burn her tattoos off with their death beam eyes. To be fair if they could do more than tickle me with those laser peepers of theirs I'd be on board to kill them all.
While Jack spent her days taming the fearsome jungle, I spent mine trying to build the Zaulia into something more than a late development addition, and with the powers of Brutal Lands demon teleportation I had no troubles doing it. I was only a spell away from any resource I may need be it part, material, or beast.
I built a forge where I attempted to recreate some of the feats of the Titans, such as making armor that made a warrior faster. My many failures made me begin to suspect that the Titans were far more technologically advanced than their backstory would imply. While they certainly maintained a specific aesthetic as barbarian warriors, my experimentation into the energy produced by the 'fans' of this world revealed it to be incredibly potent.
I believe that specific feat was achieved through a power armor, likely similar to the later Mjolnir versions used by the Spartans in Halo. Through a neural interface the armor would move faster than the body through the use of superconductors simulating a nervous system in the armor picking up the commands in the brain and carrying the signal faster than even the Spartan's augmented nerves could achieve.
It would take me years of experimentation to see if I was right, years I didn't intend to spend here despite the setting proving very enriching and pleasurable.
"Your holiness!" an excited younger Zaulia messenger entered the boudoir and kneeled, "A car of unknown make has approached the palace."
"Describe it." I commanded as I stopped strumming my guitar.
"Long and black, decorated with a skull in the engine block and purple painted flames." the girl answered.
"Thank you, my dear." I grinned, "It seems I will be having an acquaintance at my table for breakfast today."
Though meeting her naked would be the comfortable alpha move, I didn't feel a particular need to mesmerize Drowned Ophelia. I pulled on my pants and belt and headed down to my dinning room where a table waited with various fruits prepared for easy eating while the cook would bring out fresh grilled and roasted meats after I sat down.
Ophelia timed things just right as the meat had just been delivered when she stepped into the room.
"Love the look, girl." I chuckled, "Always preferred my goth girls with huge tits, but you pull it off well enough."
"You certainly know how to make a girl feel wanted, Grunt, and pissed off too." Drowned Ophelia growled as she took a seat at the table.
"I'd offer to carve, but I hear Eddie already beat me to it." I laughed, "The human revolution really must have meant something big before it all went to shit. Now look at you. A shade of a girl."
"Lars really did choose his hill to die on." Ophelia sighed, "Just like you said. And with him gone it didn't take Lita anytime at all to turn Eddie against me. Eddie, who was supposed to love me. Trust me. Just a few words was all it took for him to 'carve' my heart out."
"And a sad girl followed the call of the Black Tears, the sorrow of Aetulia harmonizing with her mournful soul." I added.
"They made it real easy for me." Drowned Ophelia stated, "Eddie is trying to cross the gorge and traverse the jungle to get to the Sea. I want you to join forces with me and stop him."
"And what do you have that I want?" I chuckled at the offer.
"Vengeance, mayhem, slaughter." Ophelia answered without hesitation.
I might have to check the perimeter for spies, cause girl knows me.
"Nice keywords." I grinned, "Of course vengeance would have required the humans to have hurt me."
"They rejected you. Spat in your face." Drowned Ophelia growled.
"If anyone spat in my face there would be no need for talks of vengeance." I stated, "There would just be vengeance. Immediate and violent. And rejection, a heart that can't take rejection is too timid by far to survive in my chest. My immune system wouldn't tolerate its weakness."
"Then what do you want, Grunt?" Ophelia hissed, "What do I have to give you to make an alliance?"
I stood up and clenched my fist, "I want everything you can think of, money and women, power and sex, status, glory, I demand the finer things. And in my entire life there hasn't been anyone or any group strong enough to stop me from taking them. You, Eddie, Doviculus… all of you can clash for my amusement, your drama a fine performance and all the world a stage. And if I get bored I'll show up and crush you all myself. Violence and mayhem achieved."
"You really think you're that much greater than all of us?" She scoffed, "That this whole world is yours to take anytime you get tired of your harem of jungle sluts?"
"You don't want me to come over there and prove it." I growled, "Get out while you can, cause if you stay here any longer I'll give you a real reason for sorrow and fear."
Drowned Ophelia raised her arm and tried to impale me on a spike made of black tears that came to a stop harmlessly on the scales of my chest.
"You aren't the first woman of your complexion to try to murder me in my home." I chuckled and exploded across the table in a burst of speed like a wildcat. I wrapped a hand around Ophelia's head and slammed her down face first into the table, "Tell me girl. Can you feel with that constructed body everything a real woman feels."
"Do your worst." Ophelia managed to growl out from under my grip.
"My dear, you would not survive my worst." I laughed and then whispered into her ear, "And you are going to carry that weight."
Would have wrote more but I am very tired. The begining of Grunt's monologue is one of the best things to come out of Full Metal Alchemist.
I ended up watching Eureka Seven with my son today. Not the whole thing obviously as it is fifty episodes with a sequal I hadn't heard of before. Made me honestly want to put Jack and Grunt in a Mecha world, but I don't think I realy have the heart to do all the research it would take to be fun.
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"Eddie! Lita!" I greeted the pair that had been brought to my palace after their suspended execution at the temple of Zaulia, "How goes the human revolution? Must be doing real well if you have made it all the way out here."
This was a nice distraction from my near constant battles in the jungle of late. Drowned Ophelia didn't disappoint me when she started sending her faction, the Drowning Doom, into the jungle to kill me after she limped away from our encounter. I played around with them like a Predator minus the active camo, the near century of commando warfare experience the Theron's provided me transitioned beautifully to jungle warfare. My enthusiastic walks through my densely green domain meant that despite the focus and numbers of her horde, the defenses I built up around the Zualia Temple and my palace rarely came into play.
Eddie looked far different after the months since our parting, having grown a beard and added a layer of fur to his leather vest. Lita looked much the same, only more pale and lean. They had a guy in a leather biker outfit with way too many studs with them, The Baron.
"We hit some rough patches," Eddie admitted, "but the revolution is back on the road kicking ass."
"Sorry to hear about you guys having troubles." I smirked, "I'd offer to help you but the revolution needs to be fought by human hands or it won't mean anything."
God I love being petty.
"Lars is dead." Lita snarled, "Don't poison his words when he isn't around to defend himself."
"Oh no." I faked an astonished tone, "Who could have possibly seen that happening."
"Us." Jack stated, "We did. Right before we left."
"I think you're right, babe." I chuckled, "I distinctly remember telling Lars he was going to die on that hill."
"It's not funny!" Lita yelled.
"It is when you're us." I laughed and Jack joined me.
"I heard that Doviculus killed him like a scrub." I chortled, "No fight, no epic moment of sacrifice. Just poke, game over."
"You're a monster." Lita shook her head in anguish at the memory.
"Yes indeed." I agreed, "You're brother had that right about me, but I offered to be your monster. Could have smashed Doviculus right then and there. Broke his army. Revolution won. But you all made your choices, poorly, and now here you are, in my home. Asking for help that you could have had from the start."
"Your Holiness." Rita, the leader of the Zaulia before I showed up, interrupted, "This man is the son of Rignarrok."
"Neat." I responded.
"I request that the Zaulia be allowed to aid him in his quest to throw back the forces created by the Sea of Black Tears." She continued.
"Sounds like a good time." I waved her off.
"Thank you, your Holiness." Rita bowed her head, "I will instruct the younger members of the tribe to take care of your needs while we are away."
"Okay." I nodded, "You do that."
"Your Holiness?" I heard Eddie ask when Rita led him out of my petitioner hall.
"Almost time." Jack sighed.
"All the pieces will be in one place." I smirked.
"Decapitatiooooooon!" Eddie roared as he swung his head side to side in barbaric glee as his axe passed through Emperor Doviculus's neck and he stomped his foot to make the head fall to the ground.
He then ripped a pair of hearts from the man's chest, the second of which was smaller and black which quickly melted to reveal a demon tooth necklace.
"Nice kill, Eddie." I slow clapped then reached into Doviculus's open body cavity and tore out his repulsive liver.
I like livers. They are incredibly nutrient dense. This liver is not one that I like. I liked eating it even less. If I wasn't the cure to Space AIDS I wouldn't have done it, but the feeling of incredible power that came after the deed was done from the Ring of Namira made the temporary desire to hurl my organs up fade away. The rush was almost as good as draining the imulsion stalks back on Sera had been. Several degrees lesser, but if this is how cannibalism is going to feel from now on then a lot more people are going to get eaten.
"You guys were just there the whole time and didn't help me?" Eddie asked incredulously.
"Yep." Jack answered as the monster we currently stood inside of began shaking in its death throes.
The wife and I made a leaping exit before it could drag us into the Sea of Black Tears. After Eddie and the original Ophelia popped back onto the beach Jack thrust her sword into the inky black sea and slowly but surely the sword pulled all the corruption out of it, leaving a normal sea of tears in its place.
The ebony blade was now ever coated in that same inky blackness and a test swing from Jack revealed that the Black Tears created an additional twenty foot cutting arc that traveled the same path as the sword strike, similar to the latter stages of the Lady Maria of the Astral Clocktower fight.
"I think that is everything." I told the wife in regards to the power ups we could quickly pick up on this world.
"Yeah." She nodded and pulled out her Guitar and summoned The Good Evening.
"I'm sorry." Eddie interrupted, "What the fuck was all this about."
"Power." Jack answered then got into the passenger side of the car.
"What she said." I agreed, "It's been real Eddie, and it's been good, but it ain't been real good."
I got in and drove to the coast. When we arrived I pulled the Horn of Party Hardy from the trunk where we stashed our various loot and a bunch of handy stuff to have like Spider Queen Guitar strings and metal ingots made of Ormagoden's flesh. After getting good and drunk we fucked in the car and when I ripped a hole though reality I hung onto The Good Evening with everything I had.
I can only thank God that Chief Grax of the Halo Brutes (No I will not be using their fifteen syllable alien names) was such an egotistical bastard that he got the big private office on the Covenant Supercarrier heading for Reach. If he hadn't it would have been pretty hard to find a good space to land The Good Evening on this ship without bringing down the full might on the united non-human races of the Halo Universe down on our asses.
He may have been an objectively terrible leader, but at least he made for terrific road kill.
And I wasn't kidding about the guy being a terrible leader. Grax was the kind of guy that would make all his subordinates shave their entire bodies just so no one could have a better beard or mohawk than him.
For all you guys wondering, that is why all the Brutes in Halo: Reach were bald.
I pondered what to do with our situation as I stroked my now perfect and powerful jawline and the graphite plating that formed an Abe Lincoln style chin strap beard, the beard of leadership. Grax was one of those people with a strong enough vanity to physically affect both Jack and myself. He greatly valued his immense height and weight which had gotten him his place as a Brute Chieftain, and his luxurious beard and mohawk.
I was now a handful of inches over nine feet tall (2.84 meters) and fifteen hundred pounds (680 kilos) despite not being any thicker as the brutes are far more densely made than the krogan. As a generous man, that measurement does not include the now raised ridged of plates that went down my head and neck forming a short graphite mohawk.
Jack had shot up just over seven feet tall (2.16 meters) and weighed over six hundred pounds (272 kilos). She had grown proportionally, but was now a bit more muscular than before. Now she looked like Wonder Woman's big sister and I tell you gentlemen, it was doing things for me in the boner region.
Girl looked like she could bitch slap a big krogan around, and that is just appearances. With her current strength she could throw him around with ease.
Even with all my strength from my origins and the jumps I'd over doubled my lifting power after eating Grax. The guy had his place in the Brute hierarchy because he was one of the biggest and strongest Brutes around, a bully's bully. There were plenty of Brutes that could whip his ass in a fight, but none of them would want to turn that fight into a wrestling match.
While I was more tanky than him back when I was just Grunt, Jack got a huge durability boost out of this. Brutes are fucking tough, don't let the gameplay fool you.
After contemplating our changes, I knew what we had to do.
"Babe." I grinned, "I am going to need you to make a run on the ships armory and grab some things."
Jack nodded at the easy task.
Grax loved the armory and had his office nearby. With her stealth capabilities she would have no problems getting in and out with everything we needed over several trips. When she had everything I asked for I went into R & D mode.
Math, Physics, Chemistry, all of it changes every time we jump verses. It's why I can't just build Mass Effect guns in Gears of War, or Star Wars ships in Mass Effect. Here two plus two is four, there two plus two is blue. Things don't just work across universes, but sometimes they can give you an idea to work with.
I started with the power supply tech and moved onto shielding, once I got an understanding of those two things the rest was simple in regards to our armor. I used my flame breath and the Hammer of Might to turn the hulking metal slab Grax used a workstation into an anvil and hammered out two suits of workable armor, nothing Mjolnir level, not even close, but we were once again space capable.
I went back to the old classic smokestack armor from my youth with a bit more artistic flare and mounted up three power supply units, an active camo unit and two modified shield generators that I set up to work in tandem.
Jack only got two power supplies, a shield generator, and an active camo unit. She had the physical strength and endurance for more, but she has less real estate to work with than me.
After taking apart the Covenant weaponry, I was able to make us a better pair of plasma repeaters and pistols. With a few changed I managed to greatly improve the ammo economy, accuracy, and range of both weapon systems, changing the plasma color of both units to a fiery orange.
The biggest gain came when I figured out how to unleash the fire and scream of Ormagoden through my hammer. I disassembled Grax's gravity hammer and rebuilt it around Volendrung, and modified a plasma sword to form an axe blade that I welded to one striking head of my weapon.
"Gods of Metal. Ormagoden. Malacath. Jesus, if this is the kind of thing you are interested in." I prayed, "Make my hammer even more badass."
In answer, the Hammer of Might gave off a holy glow that made me look away and when it ended, all the magic and tech had fused into one perfect weapon. I took it up with reverence and with a thought activated the now glowing inferno orange plasma axe, the blade now aggressively spiked in the center and on both ends allowing me to catch other energy blades and keep them from sliding over or down the lethal edge of my magic plasma axe.
With a little testing from Jack we confirmed that anyone caught in the weapon's gravity manipulation was subjected to the stamina drain of the original Hammer of Might.
As for the scream, we'd be testing that out soon enough.
A bigger than normal chapter seeing the end of Brutal Legend and the start of Halo. Brutal Legend was a great vacation world for them, and an even greater power up, but didn't have anything to keep us there without me purposefully fluffing things to much. Despite its short nature the Brutal Legend Arc is the jump with the most narrative weight in the story as Jack and Grunt are now demigods descending from a primordial creation deity. That conceptual weight will have big payoff when they start facing other beings with divinity and will influence the things they can gain on other jumps.
If you want to support me and my family and contribute to the Weekend Bonus Chapters Stockpile, you can do so at
ko - fi . com / jmanm
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