Bab 56: Video Games
"Dafuq iz zat?" I complained as I heard the sounds of distant explosions causing my terrible hangover to pulse my brain with pain.
"That would be Alduin." said a familiar voice that I just couldn't quite place, "Hair of the dog?"
He offered a drinking horn, deep and long and black as midnight with a golden mouth and tip.
"Yes please." I grumbled and took up the horn feeling the long forgotten burn of ryncol sliding down my gullet.
"How?" I gasped.
"After the week we have had my friend, I knew my Rose wasn't the gift I needed to give." the man, a dark skinned daedra with bright red tattoos, spoke in a rising tone, "So I tracked down the Xivilai with the greatest rack I had ever seen, tore off his horn and dipped it into the Origin of Hedonism. The gold was a personal touch."
"But… the ryncol?" I put my words into such intelligent phrasing.
"The horn has an unlimited supply of whatever liquor you want!" Sanguine put his hands on his hips and bellowed in joy, "It's a direct line to the concept of liquor, leave that shit turned over and you will flood the world in booze eventually. My finest creation for my finest friend. I call it the Horn of Party Hardy!"
"Dude. Sweet." I gaped at the unexpected boon.
"You think that is cool, look around." Sanguine urged.
We were definitely in the Temple of Dibella, the white stone and full figured female statuary told me that, and all around us were various followers of the slut goddess in various states of completely railed silly. In the center of the temple were thirteen of her priestesses tied up and ravished in a circle while wearing what I easily identified as all the dragon priest masks except Miraak's.
Fuck me how long have we been partying. It would take months to trek across Skyrim and Solsthiem to gather those things. I think he said a week?
I gathered my thoughts and could remember letting a giant hulk smash a cowardly orc chief so Malacath would give me a dope ass hammer, then leading an assault on the dragon cult at Forelhost to get the Rahgot mask, then going to Riften and getting a drink at the Bee and Barb where I ran into Sam the Man and the rest was blackout drunken revelry.
Another explosion rocked the temple.
"Fucking cock sucking dragon thinks he can eat everything and we are just going to stand around and let him. Newsflash! The Myriad Realms of Pleasure are a part of everything you asshat!" Sanguine screamed at the ceiling, "So when you started blabbing about where his priests all were, we did some light murder on their mummified asses, and then came here to the Temple of the Slut Goddess, thank you to your wife for coining that beautiful description of Dibella by the way, and used those masks as part of a ritual to inflict pain on the spiky dickwad for every once of pleasure we brought to these slutty priestesses. And we brought them unimaginable pleasure, my friend."
"So Alduin is outside now?" I shook the cobwebs out of my head.
"Oh and he is really pissed off." Sanguine grinned.
"Well at least we have a Daedric Prince here to smack his ass around." I grinned.
"About that…" Sanguine rubbed the back of his neck, "I may have blown my magical load usable in Nirn on the murder and sex ritual. SO… this is definitely a you problem."
"Well… shit." I mumbled in response.
"Don't worry homie, I got one last little trick that you are going to love!" Sanguine grinned and with a raise of his hand two armor sets were pulled together from various spots around the temple and the dragon priest masks slipped off the priestesses of Dibella.
"Are those the Archmage's robes?" I asked as a familiar set of robes floated over.
"We totally robbed the Archmage of Winterhold." Sanguine smiled at me.
"Babe." Jack growled from atop a pile of round asses, "Go outside and kill whoever the fuck is blowing shit up."
"You gotta real goddess right there." Sanguine said as he tilted his horned head over to her.
"Anything else important happen while we were drunk?" I asked him as he began using his magic to slip the Archmage's Robes onto my armor and tie the three elemental dragon priest masks to my right pauldon and Morokei, Nahkriin, and Vokun to my wide nordic leather and fur belt.
"Hmm…" Sanguine thought as he tied the other masks to Jack's gear including Konahrik, "Found the Staff of Magnus, snatched up some elder scrolls, got the Oghma Infinium from the ol' tentacle monster, and most importantly… DPed a sexy vampire chick."
We DPed Serana? Using the vast powers of my lizard brain I pulled up some visual data from the liquor induced haze.
Nice.
I also was able to easily recall my time with the Oghma Infinium. I roughly pulled four times the amount of information out of it as a normal person, one for each life I carried, advancing my abilities with magic to expert levels and filling out my connection to the various stars in those constellations and my spell repertoire to match.
With all that ability and the enchantments on the gear Sanguine was tailoring for my equipment I would be a legitimate magical threat to dragons and other spell fingers.
I remember Jack reading over my shoulder while screaming 'Rogues Rule' so I guess she took a three part course in the thief base skills. If I remember right the other masks would be very handy for a rogue, even more so if they didn't share so much territory with being an argonian.
"Fucking sweet." Jack commented as the Staff of Magnus extended and wrapped itself around her dragon bone great bow.
"Alright, my friends," Sanguine grinned at us, "this is all I will be able to accomplish in the mortal world for a very long time, but I have faith that you two are going to fuck that scaly bastard up and we will see each other again if you ever manage to die. There is no way I'd let anyone else take my best pals ever to their afterlife."
With that the Daedric Prince revelry and debauchery faded away.
"That guy was such a bro." Jack stated as she gave her upgraded bow a few experimental tugs.
"He definitely saved us from going through a bunch of tedious bullshit." I agreed as I donned my empowered gear, "Could you imagine having to collect all this shit on our own."
"Imagine it?" Jack asked, "I was there. His portals dropped us right where we needed to go no bullshit. The only question is how the hell he was pulling all those locations from your brain?"
"You remember Fallout: New Vegas?" I asked her.
"Yeah, that game Legion brought over. It was the shit." Jack nodded her head.
"Same people made a game called Skyrim." I told her.
"No way. And that last galaxy, you kept calling it Star Wars." Jack questioned.
"Movie franchises that spawned endless books, video games, tv shows." I answered.
"And our galaxy?" she almost sounded scared.
"Excellent video games." I answered honestly while watching her with one eye.
"Holy shit. I'm a video game character? Are you a video game character?" Jack looked at her hands in horror.
"Yep on both accounts." I said solemnly.
"The fuck does that mean?" Jack grasped at the edges of an existential crisis.
"Who gives a flying fuck." I shrugged my shoulders, "At any point in our lives have you felt like things weren't real."
"Not until right now." Jack muttered.
"Then don't think about it and lets go kick the shit out of an apocalyptic dragon before I have to fuck us out of this reality like a pair of losers slinking off after getting humiliated at the party."
"We have done that literally every time we jump realities." Jack looked at me like 'how could you forget that'.
"Yeah, but those were parties for after we saved the day, so the loser was drowned out by raw winning." I disagreed.
"This really wasn't a good time to dump this on me." Jack muttered as she armored up.
"Yeah, well, you didn't ask before." I shrugged again, "Now keep your head in the game babe. Fuck that was a poor choice of words."
Jack snorted then laughed, "Nah. It was the exact right thing to say. Let's go kick the shit out Alduin."
PERTIMBANGAN PENCIPTA 
JManM
JManM Jack and Grunt finally had the talk about their lives as video game characters. Most authors hit this point at a dramatic time in the story where it briefly tears the characters apart and there is all sorts of bullshit surrounding it like the MC just ups and tells everyone he can about it or someone figures it out.
Jack and Grunt don't lie to eachother so when she finally asked, he straight up told her, and at this point she has been involved in enough crazy shit to not be too unsettled by it.
Of course this is happening nearly 15 years into their relationship rather than 15 minutes, or hours, or days.
I wrote this chapter after thinking about how pedestian the story of them hunting the dragon priest masks down would be. It felt like busy work, just like hunting down all those stupid word walls.
So in the continued theme of cutting out tedious bullshit they borded the Sanguine Express and he ported them all over Skyrim. I feel it fits as he took you to all sorts of places in the game in one night and was operating an avatar on Nirn while doing it. Also with Alduin being a threat to everything you would think the Daedra would be happy to help defeat him even if the Aedra couldn't be bothered.
You can support me and my family at
ko - fi . com / jmanm
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