Bab 56: Video Games
"Dafuq iz zat?" I complained as I heard the sounds of distant explosions causing my terrible hangover to pulse my brain with pain.
"That would be Alduin." said a familiar voice that I just couldn't quite place, "Hair of the dog?"
He offered a drinking horn, deep and long and black as midnight with a golden mouth and tip.
"Yes please." I grumbled and took up the horn feeling the long forgotten burn of ryncol sliding down my gullet.
"How?" I gasped.
"After the week we have had my friend, I knew my Rose wasn't the gift I needed to give." the man, a dark skinned daedra with bright red tattoos, spoke in a rising tone, "So I tracked down the Xivilai with the greatest rack I had ever seen, tore off his horn and dipped it into the Origin of Hedonism. The gold was a personal touch."
"But… the ryncol?" I put my words into such intelligent phrasing.
"The horn has an unlimited supply of whatever liquor you want!" Sanguine put his hands on his hips and bellowed in joy, "It's a direct line to the concept of liquor, leave that shit turned over and you will flood the world in booze eventually. My finest creation for my finest friend. I call it the Horn of Party Hardy!"
"Dude. Sweet." I gaped at the unexpected boon.
"You think that is cool, look around." Sanguine urged.
We were definitely in the Temple of Dibella, the white stone and full figured female statuary told me that, and all around us were various followers of the slut goddess in various states of completely railed silly. In the center of the temple were thirteen of her priestesses tied up and ravished in a circle while wearing what I easily identified as all the dragon priest masks except Miraak's.
Fuck me how long have we been partying. It would take months to trek across Skyrim and Solsthiem to gather those things. I think he said a week?
I gathered my thoughts and could remember letting a giant hulk smash a cowardly orc chief so Malacath would give me a dope ass hammer, then leading an assault on the dragon cult at Forelhost to get the Rahgot mask, then going to Riften and getting a drink at the Bee and Barb where I ran into Sam the Man and the rest was blackout drunken revelry.
Another explosion rocked the temple.
"Fucking cock sucking dragon thinks he can eat everything and we are just going to stand around and let him. Newsflash! The Myriad Realms of Pleasure are a part of everything you asshat!" Sanguine screamed at the ceiling, "So when you started blabbing about where his priests all were, we did some light murder on their mummified asses, and then came here to the Temple of the Slut Goddess, thank you to your wife for coining that beautiful description of Dibella by the way, and used those masks as part of a ritual to inflict pain on the spiky dickwad for every once of pleasure we brought to these slutty priestesses. And we brought them unimaginable pleasure, my friend."
"So Alduin is outside now?" I shook the cobwebs out of my head.
"Oh and he is really pissed off." Sanguine grinned.
"Well at least we have a Daedric Prince here to smack his ass around." I grinned.
"About that…" Sanguine rubbed the back of his neck, "I may have blown my magical load usable in Nirn on the murder and sex ritual. SO… this is definitely a you problem."
"Well… shit." I mumbled in response.
"Don't worry homie, I got one last little trick that you are going to love!" Sanguine grinned and with a raise of his hand two armor sets were pulled together from various spots around the temple and the dragon priest masks slipped off the priestesses of Dibella.
"Are those the Archmage's robes?" I asked as a familiar set of robes floated over.
"We totally robbed the Archmage of Winterhold." Sanguine smiled at me.
"Babe." Jack growled from atop a pile of round asses, "Go outside and kill whoever the fuck is blowing shit up."
"You gotta real goddess right there." Sanguine said as he tilted his horned head over to her.
"Anything else important happen while we were drunk?" I asked him as he began using his magic to slip the Archmage's Robes onto my armor and tie the three elemental dragon priest masks to my right pauldon and Morokei, Nahkriin, and Vokun to my wide nordic leather and fur belt.
"Hmm…" Sanguine thought as he tied the other masks to Jack's gear including Konahrik, "Found the Staff of Magnus, snatched up some elder scrolls, got the Oghma Infinium from the ol' tentacle monster, and most importantly… DPed a sexy vampire chick."
We DPed Serana? Using the vast powers of my lizard brain I pulled up some visual data from the liquor induced haze.
Nice.
I also was able to easily recall my time with the Oghma Infinium. I roughly pulled four times the amount of information out of it as a normal person, one for each life I carried, advancing my abilities with magic to expert levels and filling out my connection to the various stars in those constellations and my spell repertoire to match.
With all that ability and the enchantments on the gear Sanguine was tailoring for my equipment I would be a legitimate magical threat to dragons and other spell fingers.
I remember Jack reading over my shoulder while screaming 'Rogues Rule' so I guess she took a three part course in the thief base skills. If I remember right the other masks would be very handy for a rogue, even more so if they didn't share so much territory with being an argonian.
"Fucking sweet." Jack commented as the Staff of Magnus extended and wrapped itself around her dragon bone great bow.
"Alright, my friends," Sanguine grinned at us, "this is all I will be able to accomplish in the mortal world for a very long time, but I have faith that you two are going to fuck that scaly bastard up and we will see each other again if you ever manage to die. There is no way I'd let anyone else take my best pals ever to their afterlife."
With that the Daedric Prince revelry and debauchery faded away.
"That guy was such a bro." Jack stated as she gave her upgraded bow a few experimental tugs.
"He definitely saved us from going through a bunch of tedious bullshit." I agreed as I donned my empowered gear, "Could you imagine having to collect all this shit on our own."
"Imagine it?" Jack asked, "I was there. His portals dropped us right where we needed to go no bullshit. The only question is how the hell he was pulling all those locations from your brain?"
"You remember Fallout: New Vegas?" I asked her.
"Yeah, that game Legion brought over. It was the shit." Jack nodded her head.
"Same people made a game called Skyrim." I told her.
"No way. And that last galaxy, you kept calling it Star Wars." Jack questioned.
"Movie franchises that spawned endless books, video games, tv shows." I answered.
"And our galaxy?" she almost sounded scared.
"Excellent video games." I answered honestly while watching her with one eye.
"Holy shit. I'm a video game character? Are you a video game character?" Jack looked at her hands in horror.
"Yep on both accounts." I said solemnly.
"The fuck does that mean?" Jack grasped at the edges of an existential crisis.
"Who gives a flying fuck." I shrugged my shoulders, "At any point in our lives have you felt like things weren't real."
"Not until right now." Jack muttered.
"Then don't think about it and lets go kick the shit out of an apocalyptic dragon before I have to fuck us out of this reality like a pair of losers slinking off after getting humiliated at the party."
"We have done that literally every time we jump realities." Jack looked at me like 'how could you forget that'.
"Yeah, but those were parties for after we saved the day, so the loser was drowned out by raw winning." I disagreed.
"This really wasn't a good time to dump this on me." Jack muttered as she armored up.
"Yeah, well, you didn't ask before." I shrugged again, "Now keep your head in the game babe. Fuck that was a poor choice of words."
Jack snorted then laughed, "Nah. It was the exact right thing to say. Let's go kick the shit out Alduin."
PERTIMBANGAN PENCIPTA 
JManM
JManM Jack and Grunt finally had the talk about their lives as video game characters. Most authors hit this point at a dramatic time in the story where it briefly tears the characters apart and there is all sorts of bullshit surrounding it like the MC just ups and tells everyone he can about it or someone figures it out.
Jack and Grunt don't lie to eachother so when she finally asked, he straight up told her, and at this point she has been involved in enough crazy shit to not be too unsettled by it.
Of course this is happening nearly 15 years into their relationship rather than 15 minutes, or hours, or days.
I wrote this chapter after thinking about how pedestian the story of them hunting the dragon priest masks down would be. It felt like busy work, just like hunting down all those stupid word walls.
So in the continued theme of cutting out tedious bullshit they borded the Sanguine Express and he ported them all over Skyrim. I feel it fits as he took you to all sorts of places in the game in one night and was operating an avatar on Nirn while doing it. Also with Alduin being a threat to everything you would think the Daedra would be happy to help defeat him even if the Aedra couldn't be bothered.
You can support me and my family at
ko - fi . com / jmanm
Bab 57: I'll be Waiting
This is a deep pain.
Bethesda really did us gamers a disservice when they chose not to include the Dragonborn screaming in agony as a dragon's fire breath quickly reduces his hp bar.
Despite my various protections, my raised shield, and the absorbing ward constantly being channeled, Alduin's fire breath was horrifyingly painful. His fire had pressure like a fast moving river, completely capable of putting a man on his ass. Fortunately I was able to mostly shield Jack with my body as she pumped us both with channeled healing spells.
When his attack ended I stumbled forward from leaning so hard against the physical weight of his dense flames.
How the fuck was Brienne supposed to beat this guy?
We'd endured one attack after charging out of temple when Alduin switched from trying turn the stone walls into an oven to trying to turn us into two piles of ash. Fortunately, the attack left the big black dragon huffing for air and looking very drained. In fact, it looked like the big guy was all tuckered out as he came into land and started moving towards us on all fours at a twitchy pace. I guess Sanguine's ritual must have hurt like the Cruitiatus curse in Harry Potter.
This fight looks like it's in the bag.
Jacked strafe left and I circled right with the dragon following me.
"Wuld Nah Kest!" the dragon bellowed.
Alduin went from a speed a normal man would have trouble outrunning to battering into me like a full sprint racing horse. Now mind you, this is not his puny game model, but the estate sized beast that the Daedric Princes didn't want a piece of. Even being lighter than his size would make you suspect the bastard weighed over a metric ton.
"Fuuuuccckkk!" I shouted at I flew threw the air and was hit by an explosive fireball on landing.
With my shield down I was fifty percent more receptive to fire damage. Searing, burning, charring fire damage.
Jack hit him with a javelin from her Staff of Magnus empowered bow, leaching away some of the great beast's magicka, but he continued his charge to come take a bite out of me. For his efforts he got a jawfull of Volungdrun, the hammer's stamina leaching ability felt like getting a second win full of fresh air.
When I came around for the back swing I heard him say 'Feim' and my attack ghosted right through his face.
"Su Grah Dun" he shouted before smacking me with a brutally fast wing strike.
Alduin lunged forward in a power strike and brought his wing down on my back causing me to damn near vomit. He ate another arrow from Jack that stuck in his craggy scales and reared back onto his legs and shot a fireball that she dodged using a biotic charge.
Using the window she bought me I got up and smashed my hammer into one of the joints of his knee as hard as I could. The ripple through his leg and the pained shriek told me I'd done good, son.
Alduin leapt back and flapped his wings while launching a quick fireball that I tanked using my shield and lunged forward after he landed to take a snap at me. I gave him a counter shot to the nose and another arrow landed in his side near his wing joint.
As he hissed in pain I rained a pair of strikes down on his head but had to pull the next one back and raise my shield when he launched another fireball at me. He dug his claw into the ground and swiped it at me, fling up the dirt and concealing the tail strike follow up.
Too bad for him I'd already seen this combo.
His attack clipped my shield as I ducked under it, rolling over me and allowing another leg shot with the Hammer of Might.
"Tied!" Alduin shrieked and used a brief slowing of time to adjust his head just enough to avoid having his eye struck by another of Jack's javelins that cut a furrow across his brow.
It didn't stop my hammer from whacking him in the leg again, tripping the big bastard.
I leapt over to his head and delivered a big two handed downswing, followed by another and another and another before clapping his face with a thunderous golf swing.
"Wuld Nah Kest." Alduin screamed and dragged his downed form across the courtyard of the temple, plowing into me and stopping my teeing off on his face.
"Jiid So Daan!" Alduin roared at the sky creating a shower of meteors that never seemed to strike his body.
One of the fireballs hit me, but didn't hit any harder than his lesser quick shots, barely causing my shield to shake. Another hit Jack and sent her to the ground, and Alduin closed the distance on her in an instant with another whirlwind sprint. He tried to take a bite out of her, but in a flash of almighty blue biotic power she unleashed a Flare right into his jaws, flinging her back and sending the dragon crashing into the ground in a daze.
In a leaping strike, I landed on the bastard's neck and began smashing Volendrung into his brain case over and over with everything I had.
"You! Done! Fucked! Up! Now!" I shouted as I bashed him.
Crack!
The snap of Alduin's left horn resounded throughout the courtyard and the big dragon rallied his wits enough to shriek in agony.
"Feim Zii Gron!" he shouted and became ethereal, slipping out from under me and taking to the sky.
"You will pay Outworlders!" Alduin screamed as he flew away, "You will pay for every ounce of pain and humiliation you have inflicted on me this day!"
"Come on back after you get your diaper changed!" I shouted back at him as loud as I could, "I'll be waiting!"
I picked up the large broken horn and walked over to Jack as she pushed herself up off the ground and dusted herself off.
"I usually don't like thinking about eating Jabba." she said, "But I'd do it again after walking away from that explosion. Goddamn that was powerful."
"Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back there, babe." I chuckled and she joined me as we both laughed after surviving that fight.
"How'd it feel getting run over by the dragon express? Twice!" she teased as we walked back up to the temple.
"Holy shit am I glad that dragon bone is so impact absorbent." I rubbed my chest in mock pain, "If that hit me naked you might have become a widow."
"Not for long, babe." she hugged me with one arm.
Neither of us would be making that final journey alone.
"Thanks for getting rid of the dragon." A woman greeted us from the shadows, "It was getting uncomfortably hot in here and I definitely didn't like my chances outside."
The Daughter of Coldharbor, Serana, appeared in the firelight. The woman's face had been made by someone with the tools and drive to create the ultimate vampire waifu. She had similar delicate eastern European features similar to Jack with a slimmer jaw, paler skin, and slightly fuller red lips. Without the dying ember eyes she would look like Jack's less hardcore sister.
After encountering her in real life, I now know for sure why she wouldn't marry the Dragonborn in the game. This woman was next level with her sexuality and would burn the horns off the poor boy's iron hat.
She took on the demon lord of hedonism with me as back up, and while she couldn't operate her legs afterwards, she was still alive which was a serious step up from the bandit girl we tried next.
Sexual pleasure induced brain explosion is a hell of a way to go.
"Normally I'd ask you to return my Elder Scroll." Serana purred, "Now I'd like to see my father try to come for it. But first I think there's another fire that needs putting out.
She dropped her red robe to reveal her soaking wet hairless slit and turned away with a sway of her wide hips that 'hypnotized' me.
God I love puns. And pussy.
PERTIMBANGAN PENCIPTA
JManM
JManM
Would have done this yesterday, but I got home from work and passed out till it was time for work again.
It wasn't even the most demanding work my job could require, just that I was years out of practice and out of shape to boot. But hey, at least I wanted to tone up, so there is a silver lining.
You can support me and my family at
ko - fi . com / jmanm
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