Bab 41: I did say I was a Businessman in a Past Life
I danced slowly to a song that existed only in my heart and home universe until a B1 battle droid came in and fake coughed to get my attention.
"Ahem, Sir, the CIS ambassador is here." the funny battle droid stated.
Seriously, I only keep a few of these guys around for comedic purposes. The one who passes my butter is a true delight.
"That was today?" I asked.
"It was actually ten minutes ago." the droid answered.
"Oh… neat." I told the droid while I got my shit together, "Who'd they send."
"Asajj Ventress."
Be still my rising cock.
I fell in love with a murderous space baldie, and though I do love the hair Jack had grown out over the years, a part of me will always remember her first look fondly. The part that stiffens when other murderous space baldies enter my lair.
Would I pop chub if Mace Wendu decided to invade? Fight boners are a thing, so… yes, maybe. Insufficient data to reach satisfactory conclusion.
I had embraced the spirit of my best salarian pal and conducted a vast multi-year experiment, documented my results, and concluded empirically that the people of this galaxy are softer than baby shit.
When you hand a pair of elite level space wolves a violent criminal empire and turn us on a galaxy weakened by a thousand years of peace, well the last handful of years before the clone wars broke out were an all consuming feeding frenzy. At this point I can't tell if the Republic is more scared of us or the Confederacy.
I think the heads of the baker's dozen Jedi Jack and I mailed to the Senate tipped things into our favor.
Tatooine had changed drastically over the years, and not just that I'd moved from Jabba's palace to Grunt's ludicrous mega fortress. I'd started breeding not only the massiffs I'd taken from the sand people as guard beasts and hunting hounds, but also started ranching the local krayt dragon population. The current number of krayt dragons existing outside of captivity is zero. In the long run it would greatly diminish the value of holding Tatooine as a seat of power, but I am pretty sure my strip mining operations were doing that even faster.
My little dust ball is actually filled to the brim with various metals, and initially that drew the galaxies mega corporations here. When they found out that all of it was tainted and the price of refining it was higher than the price they could sell it, they fled faster than a pack of vorcha from a pissed off krogan. That's why the Jawas live in massive mining machines. The cost of taking all the heavy equipment with them was too high when the corpos retreated.
But can you guess what tainted metal is really good for? If you guessed slugthrower ammo then you are absolutely right. A number of kidnappings later and I had a highly motivated think tank of engineers turning my ideas about developing slugthrower tech into reality. Fully auto shotguns, heavy machine guns, sniper rifles that can tear a target in two from a mile out, not to mention the various anti ship cannons and anti fighter flack cannons.
I'd used my three finger discount to snatch up my workforce for all the manufacturing. For the last six years I'd mercilessly raided both the Trade Federation and the Techno Union. I constantly stole their ships and droids and had enough slicers and programmers working for me full time to start a major software company, but instead they spent their days reprogramming droids to love them some Jack and Grunt.
When they sent a fleet to blockade Tatooine I sent them a thank you note for cutting down on my travel expenses. I am a guy who they hated for stealing their droids and ships and they sent more droids and ships to stop me. No wonder a ten year old beat these stupid fucks on Naboo.
Hostilities ended when I kidnapped Gunray and Watt and sent their corporations a video of them standing naked next to my sexually aroused rancor with the caption: Meet my demands or they get fucked to death.
God I love my new job.
They sent me enough mining and industrial equipment to strip mine a small resource rich world every ten years and paid me enough yearly tribute to halt half my enterprises and still come out ahead.
I immediately used those resources to transform my organization from a thorn in the galaxy's side to her abusive alcoholic husband. Sure, they could rally their strength and kill me, but would they ever have the courage to?
At this point Mama the Hutt was ready to declare the Hutt Empire arisen once more with me as its Emperor. After all, I'd inspired an entire generation of young hutts to get off the couch and bust ass both in the gym and in the wider galaxy. We were ready to remind people why we have been in charge for so long. Spoiler alert, it's because hutts that lift are swole like Mr Olympia Open Champions and can survive having half their brain blown out.
"It's about time you got here." Jack said as she lazily draped herself on our shared throne.
She dressed in samite spun with platinum and rings, bracelets, and rope necklaces made of the same precious metal (cause gold is cheap and tacky when you are rich enough to control entire star systems). She hid a pair of cortosis bracers in her sleeves.
The trip to this verse had done her a world of good. With a solid strength and conditioning program she maxed out the physical power eating Jabba gave her and it showed. While not cut because of our luxurious diet, Jack was both lean and powerful, finally strong enough to transform from a young woman lashing out at the universe in fear and pain into a dominant and confident queen with her hands on the wheel and her eyes up on the road.
She was the most glorious woman to ever exist in two galaxies, and I am not just saying that because she can take a pounding that would crush anyone else and come back for more after rehydrating.
Asajj is a woman similar to Jack in more than just appearance, but has yet to rise above the hand she has been dealt in life. A woman still stuck in the quagmire of anguish and only diving deeper.
After I took my place on the throne, the pair of commando droids allowed Ventress to approach.
"Greetings mighty Grunt. I am Asajj Ventress, Apprentice to Count Dooku and ambassador for the Confederacy of Independent Systems."
"While you are certainly easier on the eyes than your master, I must confess myself disappointed that he didn't come here himself." I told the pale nightsister, "I'd really love to have him at my table for dinner, and I just don't think I'd take the same pleasure in picking your brain."
Jack chuckled, interrupting the conversation, "Sorry, the eating people jokes always get me."
"That's why I do them." I grinned at her while Asajj bit back her response and recomposed herself.
"My master deeply regrets his inability to attend these negotiations, but I assure you I speak with both his voice and authority during these talks." Got to give it to the girl, she can pull off the whole humble and contrite act.
I just laughed at her response, "Nice try, but we know that Dooku isn't dumb enough to ever walk into an enclosed space with us, that's what he has you for." her scowl deepened as her anger built, "I assume he sent his nubile and naïve apprentice in an attempt to seduce me? He knows that the Republic has spread its legs to get access to my hyperspace routes. He isn't dumb enough to have sent you in your usual capacity, because all that would accomplish is me lowering my price to destroy the CIS from a complete ass fucking to a far more mutual agreement."
"Maybe he is trying to get rid of her?" Jack mused.
"Nah." I denied, "It's still too early in her training for his master to feel threatened and her record isn't tarnished enough yet for him to give up on her."
"You know not of what you speak." Ventress hissed.
"On the contrary, I am deeply studied in both Jedi and Sith history and ideology." I countered, "I know that as things stand now both the Jedi and the Sith are at their most hollow state in terms of both overall power and dogma. Following the Russan Reforms the Jedi doctrine became entirely based in fear. They seek to turn themselves into unfeeling things out of fear of the Dark Side. The success of the Rule of Two is based on selflessness to the level even the Jedi would balk under, and it expects this of people who pull their strength from sources like fear and anger. Every master must give of himself fully to his student and each apprentice must boldly face his master. Your master fully believes in the Rule of Two because his years as a Jedi leave him vulnerable to high minded ideas, but does his master believe in the same?"
"You dare to question the Sith?" said the woman who drank deeply the Dark Side Kool Aid.
"Jedi, Sith, both are just people worshiping a source of power that actively seeks to enslave its users." I answered her rhetorical question, "To me you are all just space wizards high on your own farts."
The woman actually leapt at us and got caught in a singularity from Jack. As she helplessly floated around a blue sphere we both laughed. We'd learned previously that we are wounds in the Force, which means that direct Force abilities cannot affect us. Jack's mass effect fields also carry this property which means any Force user caught in her abilities such as Singularity, Lift, or Stasis are unable to use the Force to escape. Long story short, Space Wizards ain't got shit on us.
"Ventress." I addressed our captive, "The only reason you are still alive is because I want to fuck you. Drop the lightsabers if you are down, otherwise this is the end."
A week later Asajj left our care having found a whole new foundation for the line in the Sith Code: Through passion I gain strength.
PERTIMBANGAN PENCIPTA 
JManM
JManM I finally checked the power rankings and this story has been voted the current 8th most popular fanfiction on the platform.
This means a heck of a lot to me as it is no longer me just telling myself I am a good writer, it is the audience telling me that they agree.
Because of this response I have applied for a Pat re on account under the same user name. Currently the account is in the approval stage, but I assure you all that I am no where near desperate enough to lock content behind a paywall. I am pretty sure that is illegal in the USA, so unless my business fails I won't be using such aggressive tactics to get subscribers.
If anyone can think of rewards for the various tiers I would love to hear it. I am currently thinking to open a discord for the people that subsribe for a dollar a month. I know alot of the comments get censored out by Webnovel and that sucks.
On the story front, people have been asking me when his life as a businessman would come into play, probobly hoping he would use his knowledge of earth products to generate unlimited cash wherever he goes. I doubt anyone was thinking that Grunt would strip mine worlds to fuel his self made military industrial complex.
Also Ventress got a lesson in humilty and double standards, and yes it was that four letter R word that hits everyone in their melon heart and makes them lose their shit. I understand that this is a topic that even when touched upon lightly offends people deeply. I do not care and I will not apologize. If this causes you to drop my story, I am sure their is a government provided safe space you can retreat to.
Bab 42: Archon Grunt Desilijic Tiure
"Grunt, my dear friend, it is so good that you have accepted to meet with us." came the voice of Sheev Palpatine as we conducted a holo meeting with Jedi Masters Yoda, Wendu, and Kenobi as well as Jedi Knight Skywalker and his Padawan Tanno, "Our situation is quite dire and we believe your expertise may be vital."
"I've gone through the dossier." I told them, "If the CIS can afford something as powerful as you are describing then I obviously undercharge them for their annual tribute."
And boy did I mean that. The Malevolence was an enormous credit sink. Not only building such a massive ship but also powering its main ion cannon. The amount of fuel burned to generate each burst could buy one of the ships it regularly destroys, and from the show I remember that Grievous is willing to fire the main gun just to catch a single freighter.
My envy knows no bounds. I am always credits in and credits out expanding and upgrading my forces and these asswipes can just piss away their credits on spectacle pieces. I have shielding on all my electronics, meaning that I can just pass my forces through the main gun these people are freaking out about and attack the external bridge of their ship to mission kill the damn thing. It be hell to get through all the turbo lasers on the damn thing, but I could do it.
Hmmm… it might be time for me to change the terms of my agreement with the CIS and take that big ass ship for myself. A few retrofits and I'd have the ultimate can crusher.
Probably not. Trying to rework such a poorly designed ship of that size would put me in the red, and nothing was more important than the bottom line. Except pussy.
"I can't believe the Separatists are still paying you even after they have declared war on the Republic." Skywalker expressed his outrage.
"They know who they can afford to fight and who they can't." I grinned at the Jedi, "By the way, your mother is very disappointed in how reckless you've become."
Shmi was old and not particularly attractive, but I'd taken her as a concubine just to be Darth Vader's step dad.
"Please don't talk about my mother." The Chosen One looked down at the ground in defeat.
"You should stop by and see her sometime soon, son." I told him like a step dad that cares, "We can play catch, or hide and seek. Would you like that, son?"
"I contemplate suicide every time we talk." Anakin muttered.
Sounds like keikaku coming together.
"Anyways, there isn't much I can do for you people." I told them, "I can't afford to pull my fleets away from my defenses to search the galaxy for a single ship or fleet. If you people can find this boogeyman and pay my price, I'll deal with it for you."
"Surely we can negotiate the price you've asked for your full assistance against the Separatists." insisted the Supreme Chancellor, "What you have asked for will ruin the Republic."
"Would that be any worse than what the Separatists are trying to accomplish. At the end of the day, it's just credits I am after. They want your lives." I chuckled menacingly, "But tell you what. I'll cut a deal with you this time. For the sake of our good friendship."
A bit of haggling and I was on standby to battle the Malevolence.
Not long later I got the coordinates to the party and dropped my ships within effective range of the Malevolence. My timing was impeccable as my step son had just finished his bomber run and taken out the ion cannon that caused everyone so much trouble, happy to not reveal the EMP shielding on my ships. With the heavy cruiser reeling from the backlash of the cannon's self-destruction, their shields were down and I was free to hammer their bridge.
Watching it blow and knowing Grievous was on it made me laugh uproariously from my internal command deck. The feared cyborg general died like a chump because of ridiculously bad ship design.
Those laughs aged poorly when I would find out later that Grievous, like the great Star Wars Mary Poppins herself, somehow both survived and escaped. I should have seen this coming, the bad guys in the show were insanely capable when it came to running away.
At least I got paid a fuck load up front to fight this ship and got a steady stream of tribute from the Republic to fight this war.
From that point on hostilities between me and CIS ran hot, of course to do this they had to give the Republic an easier time on other theaters of war. Due to support from the younger generation of hutts, the other four members of the Grand Council joined me in my venture as privateers for the Republic.
My tactics against the droid armies remained the same, blow the bridge, tow the ship, reprogram the disabled droids. With the full power of the hutts behind us we inflicted daily pain on the Separatists, but our true opportunity for vast wealth came when the Republic failed to hold Ryloth.
With my old pal Wat Tambor murdering all the Twi'leks he could get his grubby green hands on, the typical slowness of the Republic's response, and the historical quickness of the Twi'leks to sell each other into slavery, The Grand Hutt Council brokered a deal to save the planet in return for a truly staggering amount of slaves and the rights to Tambor's war chest.
I refused to stop taking advantage of the insanely poor designs of the ships in this verse and their pathetic military doctrines until they learned how to stop me. Dropping a huge fleet of fighter and bombers right over the Separatist blockade and my larger ships below, We came out of hyperspace guns blazing and overcame the CIS Forces in space swiftly.
A few orbital bombardments of Watts AA defenses that he thought we wouldn't hit from space because he built them in locations full of civilians and our fighters and bombers were free to hunt and annihilate the CIS ground forces.
Watt gave up his war chest immediately after I offered to take him back to my rancor pit, and for some reason I couldn't fathom, the Techno Union paid his ransom again. The guy must have some filthy contingency plans for those corpirates to part with their money twice for him.
In all we managed to preserve way more Twi'lek lives than the Republic managed in the show, and we did it all because we're evil. We walked away from the Battle of Ryloth with more ships, more droids, more slaves, more loot, and more money.
Mama the Hutt called for the victory celebration to be held on Nal Hutta, and even though Jack and I hated the swamp world, spurning the Matriarch of the Desilijic Tiure was foolish. She whelped some of the most successful slugs to slink across the stars and technically was our grandmother.
Fortunately the party was held in one of the many palaces that dot Nal Huttu and not in the swamp gas infested shack Mama prefers to spend her time in. The tables in our feasting hall bowed under the wait of thousands of dishes, just enough to please every palate. Between the food and the liquor and the raw high of such a massive victory even the slaves serving everyone were affected with good cheer.
I sent my respect to all my nerf herders for the thick cut and juicy steaks on my plate and the milk in my cup. Alongside a few plates of fatty fish and buttered crustaceans, Jack and I tried our best to not view the rest of the hutts eating the variety of gut wrenching dishes they so enjoyed.
An impossible task considering we were sat at a curved table next to Mama, a hutt of truly gargantuan proportions. Only the young Grakkus approached her mass, though his body rippled with less fat and more titanic slabs of muscle. A hutt after my own heart.
During a lull in the feasting while everyone worked on gaining their second wind Mama addressed the assembly.
"It's been a long long time since it has been this good the be a hutt." Mama spoke in her deep rumbling voice, "In fact I can't remember a time when the galaxy did more than try their best to ignore us, but those days are gone."
The chamber filled with the cheers of happy hutts.
"And there is only one of you responsible for this." Mama gestured to me, "A young half breed that has done more in the last ten years than any of you have done in the last thousand. Grunt Desilijic Tiure, has made the hutt clans the most feared organization in the galaxy. The movers and the shakers now all check with us before they dare move and shake because they are afraid of getting snatched up in the night and fucked to death by a rancor. How many of you command that level of respect, of fear? None!"
Mama waited for the muttering and boos to die down.
"The hutts are the strongest we have been since the fall of the first empire, and we have done so through violence, not money. I say the time of the Kajidic is over and the time of the third Hutt Empire is at hand, and there is only one name worthy of the Archon. Grunt Desilijic Tiure!"
Marlo, the leader of the current Grand Hutt Council came forth to fight the proposition.
"You announce this to us, on this the day of our great victory, demanding us to bow down." Marlo rasped.
"I demand my great grandson's due." Mama countered.
"You demand us to bow down." Marlo insisted, "To abandon millennia of tradition and make ourselves subservient to Desilijic Tiure. What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully?"
Morlo would have really taken the wind out of Mama's sails if not for Uncle Ziro stepping in.
"Oh Morlo," Ziro tittered, "It's not about respect any more. I happen to have in my possession a holodiary chalk full of evidence of all the Grand Hutt Council's misdeeds. It'd make it an awfully hard time for business if it were to find itself on the Senate's doorstep. That is unless you had a powerful backer like my sweet little nephew."
"That changes things." Morlo backed down and the other members of the Grand Council backed down with him.
The giant Grakka took up the chant, "Archon! Archon! Archon!" and soon all the other hutts in the room, enthusiastic or forced joined him.
On that day the Third Hutt Empire was born, and assholes around the galaxy clenched in fear of our coming.
PERTIMBANGAN PENCIPTA
JManM
JManM
Once more Grunt takes his rightful place as the head of state durring a time of galactic war. We have completed all of season one of the Clone Wars tv show in this chapter.
All hell is going to break loose in the next chapter when Palpatine shows up on Tatooine looking to end his rival emperor. With the death of the puppet master, the Clone Wars are about to go from staged drama to all out war.
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