Bab 17: Drunken Fist
Sobriety hit me like an explosion. No wait, that is an actual explosion I caused while black out drunk. The gaping salarian in an Eclipse uniform let me know that I had not in fact wandered off to instigate mayhem on Illium, but had somehow got myself fully kitted out and on Miranda's loyalty mission. The salarian dropped his gun in surrender while I gunned down the rest of his squad as they rushed in to 'save' the dead bodies of their pals, or slow us down, or something else that translated to them being to stupid to live.
In that moment I did something that time and time again proved incredibly stupid. I took off my helmet. You'd think what I'd done to Garm, Kuril, Uvenk and many others would have made me terrified of revealing my handsome reptilian face in a combat zone, but I really needed a drink. Fortunately, past Grunt didn't let me down and I unscrewed the cap off my canteen to find an ice cold beverage that burned like lava going down.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Shouted an angry Miranda Lawson.
"Hair of the dog." I told her as I put my canteen back in its case.
"Are you drunk right now?" She demanded with all that Australian heat in her tone.
"Not drunk enough to deal with you." I grunted, the pun as funny now as it was the first time.
"This is a goddamn mission with my sister's life at stake and you are fucking sauced to your eyeballs!" She screamed.
I should feel bad, and I would if Miranda's personality was as endearing, rounded, and developed as her figure. Also the fact that Oriana is her clone but they look totally different throws me off.
"Just shut up and let's go kill Niket already." I grumbled at the Cerberus cheerleader.
"And why would we do that?" She continued to annoy me.
"Double cross, bitch." I answered, "Or did the mercs at your secret extract not tip his hand."
The sounding of a walkie talkie from one of the dead mercs dropped a little hint of evidence backing my claim.
"Once more, my gut leads us rightly." I commented as we started cutting across the cargo processing yard of this space port.
It goes to show how trite these battles with the Eclipse mercenaries had become that even sloshed and in a cargo yard full of conveyor belts transporting explosive containers I was practically dancing over these fools. They could certainly shoot, and I appreciated the assortment of tech powers they tried to throw at me, but their awareness of their environment left much to be desired and I conducted a symphony of explosions that would make Deidara proud.
While the enemies lacked the ability to stall me like their captain kept ordering them to over their comms, the trio of banking terminals did. The six thousand additional credits would go a long way to distracting me from how boring fighting Eclipse had become.
Seriously, these guys came with no heavy mechs, no krogan, no tanks. It's almost like they didn't expect to fight me, but that would be crazy considering I had already clashed with them twice this week.
We finally ended up in an elevator taking us to the boss fight and Miranda was worrying herself into a mess while trying to convince herself that her only ally in this life, Niket, hadn't betrayed her. Space Momma did a great job supporting the genetically engineered woman, but she was about to get an eyeful of the ugly truth.
The elevator doors opened and revealed Niket arguing with a port employee in the presence of the Eclipse leader, Captain Enyala. I was a bit too befuddled to pay much attention since I'd been dipping into my portable ryncol supply as I wreaked havoc on the merc forces, but Enyala blowing away the port employee brought me back just enough to remember that I couldn't give a rats ass about Miranda, Niket, Oriana, and their scumbag dad. He'd get his within the year considering I'd just have to be listening for the Sanctuary broadcast on Horizon to tip me off that he was operating Cerberus's husk research facility in ME3. Thinking about derailing that Cerberus shit show makes me very happy. Dropping a krogan army on the Illusive Man's secret base would be even better.
I know where Cronos Station is Jack.
Enyala asking Miranda if Cerberus let her whore around in her jumpsuit made me laugh, and for the first time in a while, I wanted to spare someone who was pointing a gun at me.
"Everyone just fucking stop it." I chuckled, "What part of me running through your men makes you think you can fight me and win? The fucking optimism is bleeding out your ears, or is it just the audacity, bitch?"
"You should teach classes on negotiation." Enyala quipped, "You're working wonders right now."
"I don't negotiate." I told the asari, "I say what is to happen and people are either smart enough to obey or they die feeling like fools. Now you and what's left of your pathetic gang, put your guns on the ground and leave."
"How's this for an answer?"
She shot me.
I crossed the short space between us in a heart beat and hit her with a right cross, really putting my hips into it. She fell to the floor like a rag doll and when I went to finish her I saw that I'd already split open her brain case and leaked her grey matter on the floor. Another episode of Wear Helmets You Damn Fools ready for the extranet.
A brief firefight later and we ended up with Niket on his knees ready for his execution by the girl he helped save many years prior. Space Momma worked her paragon magic and stopped Miranda. Niket agreed to lie to Miranda's father and got an impassioned "I never want to see you again, Niket." for his troubles. This time he got to live after hearing that line. Not what I intended, but choices have consequences.
I looked down at what was once a hot asari and sighed. It should have been her that lived. Maybe blown me for my benevolence. Is it benevolence if a blow job takes place? We have no way of knowing now. Come to me sweet ryncol, make things better.
Something was stopping me from uniting my second canteen with my mouth. Who fucking dares?
The disappointed green eyed gaze of the Space Momma locked eyes with me. She had taken off her helmet to convey her disappointment. Does she not know how dangerous that is? Just ask the corpse of Enyala if she regretted not wearing a helmet. She probably regretted not blowing me more, but a lack of helmet was likely up there on her list of regrets.
"Grunt." I could feel the disappointment slithering across my plates and scales, "You need to stop drinking."
"But you treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol, you treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol. It's science." I told her.
"You can't drink your problems away. It doesn't work." Shepard insisted.
"Really, because I am all for drinking away my problems right now." Miranda cut in.
"The drinks have it!" I declared, "To the bar!"
PERTIMBANGAN PENCIPTA 
JManM
JManM This chapter was a lot of fun to write. A big thanks to Hippster for feeding me that line from New Girl. As you can imagine ME3 is going to be alot shorter with Grunt and Wrex dropping krogan on Cerberus's key facilities right at the start of the action, and we are rapidly clearing the ME2 content. As such It is time to start putting out the feelers on the next story. I have three that I am interested in doing.
Harry Potter SI: Cedric Diggory
I have never seen a Cedric Diggory SI and writting for the biggest fandom is likely to catch alot of new viewers easily.
Persona 5 SI: Ryugi Sakamoto
Another SI I have never seen before but in a barren fandom. I will likely write it some day, but the lack of viewers would bother me.
Dragon Age SI: Letho of Highever
A continuation of my love affair with Bioware, an SI with crossover powers granting him the genetics of the Vanilla Gorilla of Witcher 2 antagonist fame. Human Noble MC that derails the plot from the start. "Arl Howe, you look like somboby walked over your grave."
Let me know what you people want, and remember that those who do not say what they want recieve exactly what they ask for.
Bab 18: Love's Dry Dock
"How the hell could you sleep with her!" Jack shrieked while I rubbed my sensitive eyes and tried not to grimace.
More alcohol will make things better.
And the bottle is flying away.
Fucking telekinetics.
"Where has the ryncol gone?" I grumbled in distress.
"Down the fucking drain alongside our relationship!" She answered in a rage.
"That's weird." I mused, "I am pretty sure we had built a beautiful ship, and then you fucking shot it with a rocket launcher!"
Standing up to yell at her was a bad idea, and it was a bitch and a half to stay upright let alone coherent.
"I ruined it?" She demanded like a demented retard.
"Yeah." I nodded, glad she was smart enough to realize that, or maybe I currently lacked the ability to understand inflection.
"You fucking slept with the enemy!" her continued shouting answered that quandary.
"And if I hit you as hard as you hit me, you'd be dead." I let her know and touched her nose without poking her in the eye, my surgical hand eye coordination proving itself even under impairment.
"You walked it off you big pussy!" still with the shouting.
"It's not about damage done." I shook my head, "It was you and me against everything else, then you fucked the equation up and didn't do anything to fix it. Fortunately for you," I moseyed over to a cabinet I installed in the port cargo area and grabbed a blue bottle of pills, "I pulled my mouth off the bottle long enough to see what you were up to and got you a rehab script."
"Why would I need that shit?" She got immediately defensive.
"Cause your life as lab rat outlaw grunge thing has not given you the best coping mechanisms, and I know what you've been shooting up, junkie." I put the bottle in her hand, "If you don't fuck up and OD the withdrawals might get you when you run out. Thank God we live in the 2180's and not the 1980's. You'll feel like shit for a week, but you aren't going to die and you aren't going to spend your whole life only one bad choice away from pissing everything away again."
"Why would you even care?" She growled at me, "You seemed perfectly happy balls deep in the Cerberus bitch."
"How the hell did you even find out about that?" I asked confused.
"She put the picks on the group chat!" Jack explosively explained.
"Huh," I grunted, "That's one way to let Cerberus know you are quitting the gang."
I pulled up the chat on my nearby pad and was blown away by the pictures she had taken. How the hell did she pull off some of these angles? Needless to say, I was impressed.
"It's like she sent the Illusive man a letter saying 'Dear Dickwad, I am leaving your human supremacist organization because I have found my true calling in working with smooth lizard dick. Regards, Miranda."
"You think this is a joke?" Jack snarled at me, clearly offended.
"I think this is a triumph of the krogan people. On the level with avenging Shiagur. A hundred years from now, the youth will ask their elders 'Where were you when the Great Chief conquered Miranda Lawson's ass?" and the elders will respond, 'I was not with the Great Chief that day, but I still carry in my heart the light that shined bright across the stars. The burning bright flames of his youth.'"
"Are you fucking with me right now? Cause that sounded metal as hell." Jack looked at me in a bit of shock.
"Let's not kid ourselves here." I stated, "You are the most beautiful female I know. You turn me on every time I see you, but Miranda's ass is sweeter than sugar, and planting my flagpole in those buns is a victory won over every guy who has seen those clappable cheeks yet will never clap them."
"I can't tell if I am suppose to be happy with that compliment, impressed with your cunning linguistics, or piss off that the only things that you ever wax poetically about are fighting, feeding, or fucking another woman's ass!" Jack shouted that last bit.
"Listen, Jack," I shifted her train of thought, "You need to quit the needle, take the meds, and really think about what you want. Cause you can't come fight me about shit like this unless you fix what you broke. The ship won't ever be the same, but that doesn't mean it can't ever be better than it was."
"And while I am on this great journey of self discovery, you'll just be hanging out with the Cerberus cheerleader teaching her how to stretch her O-ring." she accused with a lot less heat than before.
"Nah," I denied, "now that we've banged Miranda will probably fuck off to do other shit that won't pay off in any interesting way."
"Sounds like something she'd do." Jack nodded.
Did she get her hands on a copy of ME3 while I wasn't looking.
A bit later Mordin called me up to his lab and cracked out a big honking syringe full of a glowing orange liquid.
"Good you are here." Mordin smiled as he greeted me, "Combined retrovirus designed by Okeer with research found on Tuchanka. Created improved retrovirus resulting in fifty percent improvement to krogan vitality."
"Sign me the fuck up." I told him and was completely on board till he had me bend over.
"Isn't there somewhere better we can stick that needle? Like one of my hearts?" I pleaded with the doctor.
"Nonsense." He denied while ramming the hand length syringe into my ass cheek, "Miss Lawson proved that the posterior is the superior method of impalement."
At least the doc has jokes.
The laughter made me miss the initial build up of warmth in my ass that quickly spread throughout my body. In fifteen minutes it felt like I had lightning coursing through my veins.
"How long am I going to feel this amped up?" I asked the salarian as he monitored my vitals.
"Indefinitely." he answered off hand.
"Holy shit!" I barked out.
"Feeling effects of enhanced endurance." Mordin mused, "Downstream benefit of boosting baseline health alongside empowered healing factor. Should notice significant increases in energy levels, cognition, digestion, sperm count and motility, and ejaculate volume."
I looked at Mordin, and realized that he may now be a better friend than Draug and Zaeed could ever be.
"Mordin, did you maximize my loads?" I asked reverently.
"Indeed." He nodded his horned head.
I pulled a terrified scientist into a hug.
"This is the greatest day of my life."
PERTIMBANGAN PENCIPTA
JManM
JManM
Props to everyone that predicted Grunt and Miranda would smash. That isn't going to be a reoccuring thing.
With the krogan vitatlity research project done Grunt went from Captian Tuchanka to Lizard Wolverine minus the claws. Movie version, not the rediculous comic version that can regen from a single drop of blood.
Collector ship next chapter, then it is off to Omega to hunt down Morinth.
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