Bab 56: Chapter 19 - You Kissed Him! (1)

Ooh, and I wished you had hurt me harder than I hurt you

Ooh, and I wish you wouldn't wait for me but you always do

I've been hoping somebody loves you in the ways I couldn't

Somebody's taking care of all of the mess I've made

Someone you don't have to change

I've been hoping

Someone will love you, let me go

— Hailee Steinfeld, Alesso, Let Me Go

T Y L E R

I stared ahead and took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. This was bad, so very bad. Besides knowing fully well that this was the last thing I wanted to do, I also knew that I wouldn't be able to do it. It was too much and I wasn't sure I would survive by the end of it. Yet, what other choice did I have left?

I closed my eyes for a brief second, internally telling myself that this was for the best. It would hurt both of us emotionally but physically she would be safe and that was all that mattered. When my eyes finally fluttered open, I turned the key and swung the door open.

"Ty? Is that you?" I heard her voice from somewhere in the living room.

I took off my shoes and stepped further into the apartment. "Yeah, it's me." I shrugged my coat off and hung it on the stand on my right. I turned around and as I saw her standing nearby the couch, I froze.

Autumn was wearing nothing else other than my blue T-shirt, the exact same shirt that she had worn the first time she spent the night in my bedroom back in D.C. That night, I'd tried my best to keep her well-hidden throughout the night only to be caught red-handed by my mom the next morning.

As she moved to close the gap between us, my breath caught in my throat. I had no idea if she picked that shirt by accident or if she intended to wear it but that shirt brought up so many memories that nearly choked me because I knew, what I was about to do would tarnish those memories.

"Your mom called." She stopped right in front of me. Her hand touched the side of my face like she always did, caressed my temple with her thumb then her hand settled just below my ear with her palm cupping my cheek. The urge to bang my head on the nearest wall for dragging her into this mess was getting harder to shake, especially with her looking up at me with those big hazel eyes. "She misses you, you know. She said you haven't called her since you got here."

It would sound silly, but doing this dirty work for the organization has made me feel guilty and dirty and all other awful feelings. I was ashamed of myself. So much that I felt unworthy being my mom's son. I felt that I've disappointed her, crushed her dream. That was the real reason I couldn't bring myself to call her regardless of how much I missed her. For eighteen years, she had been all I had and I had been all she had, we had lived together for eighteen years, just the two of us. It was hard not to hear her voice.

"Are you okay?"

I looked down and saw Autumn watching me worriedly. "I'm fine."

Her hazel eyes skimmed over my face as if they were searching for something and when I thought they might've found it, she dropped her gaze to the floor and took a step back. "Ty, we need to talk."

I gave her a curt nod. "Let's talk."

She began to move to the living room and I followed close behind her. The TV was on and whatever she was watching has been put on pause. "The Bridesmaids," explained her over one shoulder. "I thought I should find out what I was getting myself into."

Again, I nodded although I wasn't sure what she was on about. My own mind was occupied with a lot of different scenarios on how I should play this out. I took a seat beside her with my back to the side so I was facing her.

"Ty, I know these last few days have been tough," she started. You have no idea, I added in my head. "But we can get past this, as long as we're honest with each other." She looked at me expectantly so I gave her a nod, signaling her to continue. "In the spirit of that, I want to tell you what happened these last few days."

I watched her took a deep breath, her shoulders raised then fell a couple of times before she finally spoke again. "When I walked out two nights ago, I was pissed. You lied to me and your words—" she bit her bottom lip and gave her head a little shake. "—well, they were very mean."

She was right. If I could turn back time, I would slap myself for even letting those careless words escaped my mouth. I would slap myself so hard that I'd be sober in an instant.

"I went to the McD around the corner of the street and I met Phraser."

"Phraser?" I felt that I heard that name before but I couldn't pinpoint when until a memory from three days ago hit me. "The guy who swore to make your life a living hell?" I nearly shouted, not from anger but merely because I was surprised by the finding.

Autumn nodded. "He and I are friends now. Anyway, I went home, still mad at you and refused to speak with you." This part I remembered. "He drove me home that afternoon but it wasn't just the two of us, Corbin was there too. Jess came by afterward, she told me that she saw you with Faith." I was about to open my mouth and explain but she held her hand up. "No, don't interrupt. I know it was Faith, Colton recognized her and they shared the same class at NYU."

I didn't have anything to say so I simply nodded.

"I waited for you that day but you didn't come home, you didn't even reply to my text!" She nearly yelled frustratedly and I couldn't blame her although I mentally blamed Mario and his surprise drop-in.

"When it was clear to me that you wouldn't come home, I went out. I ran into Phraser, or well, he was driving and he saw me walking alone. We went to an Irish bar. I got drunk and when he dropped me home, I refused to get in because I didn't want to see you."

I felt my heart aching yet I tried my best to remain calm.