Bab 36: A little Lost
So a few things before I start the chapter. I got my ass handed to me in the two new reviews I got today, and both mentioned that my writing is difficult to read, and one of them said it needed to be put through google translate to even read. Is it really that bad? Another thing they both mentioned is that Haruko has no personality, and I'm curious if that sentiment is held by anybody else? Another note is once again people are upset that it feels too much like a slice of life, and I really don't know what else to say at this point. It is a slice of life…. I'm just flabbergasted that people are picking it up knowing that, and then getting upset when the story has a slower pace, and spends more time with interactions than anything else. I have many more positive reviews than negative, but the negative ones hit so much harder, and I don't even know if I should defend myself, or leave it alone? Anyway rant over.
Haruko woke up early in the morning as per usual, cleaned himself up, and got dressed for the day. Stepping into the kitchen he had a full breakfast of eggs, spinach, bread, and other vegetables. Preparing to head out he was surprised when the tall white haired figure was awkwardly standing outside the door about to knock.
"Ah! It's the perv!"
"I'm not a perv you little brat!"
"That's what a perv would say!"
Haruko retorted, and Naruto poked his head out from behind him. "Pervy Sage!"
"...." Jiraya was silent for a moment. "I've canceled your classes for the day, come with me."
"Why?" Haruko asked.
"Because I need to have a chat with both of you." Jiraya answered, stepping out of the way for the kids to come through. Naruto looked a little confused, but followed anyway.
"So what can we do for you Mr. Sage?"
"I needed to have a little talk with both of you, and I owe Naruto an explanation."
"Huh? Me?"
"Yes you." Jiraiya answered while walking.
"I knew your father. In fact I was his Jonin Sensei. I taught him for around 10 years. I knew him, and your mom for quite a long time. In fact they named me your God Father."
"Did they now. Then where have you been? Naruto has been raised as an orphan for the past 8 years, and Kakashi was forced to adopt us." Haruko took an aggressive stance from the start, while Naruto looked lost in thought.
"My duties to the village have kept me away." Jiraiya had a strange emotion pass over his face, a mix between grief, sadness, and guilt."
'Nice to see he feels bad about it, but that doesn't make it any better.'
"So you're my God Father? Naruto asked while cocking his head to the side.
"Yes, your Father asked me to take care of you when you were born, unfortunately I was away from the village during the attack, and I was unable to help." Immense sadness, and regret were ever present across his face as he explained to Naruto.
"This is great, and all, but I don't feel like I belong here in this conversation. So I'll leave you two to it." Haruko spoke his peace, and made to leave, but a hand shot out, and lifted him by his hoodie.
"You're not going anywhere brat, I've got some words for you too."
'As nice as it is to meet another childhood hero, I can't help but want to get out of this situation.'
"What do you need me for? You're his God Father, not mine." A bit more venom spewed from his words than intended, but Haruko took his firm stance.
"I just need to check a few things out is all."
'Why am I so bothered right now? Shouldn't I be happy? I cried like a baby when I saw him die on the screen, but I just feel so uncomfortable, and mad right now. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I have no family here? Nobody to claim me? Maybe the fact that I've latched so hard onto Naruto I don't have much else here? Or it could be the fact that I don't belong here?'
Haruko was struggling with his emotions, and Jiraiya was visibly confused when the kid's eyes became a little puffy. "Hey kid, what's got you so bothered?"
"Why do you care? You don't know me. You're here for Naruto."
"That might be the case, but there's no reason for you to be this hostile, or uptight."
"Have you considered the fact that I'm being brought along against my will for your reunion with Naruto?"
"Are you okay Haruko?" Naruto asked with concern in his voice.
"No, I'm not okay. I don't belong here, and I have nobody to claim me. Every couple of years we meet another big, and important figure that has some sort of meaningful connection to you. My only tether or claim to this world is being a science project for a crazy man. Who didn't want to deal with me so badly he blew up his laboratory to destroy me."
"I claim you, Haruko." Naruto spoke up. Determination was present in his eyes, but seeing sadness reflected back at him made him stagger a bit.
"Thanks buddy. But it isn't the same. Please let me go, Jiraiya. I need some time for myself."
Jiraiya tentatively released Haruko, who then used shunshin to disappear.
'Fuck all of this, what am I even doing? I don't have any grand goals, or ambitions. I don't even care that much about getting stronger. Only while risking my life, and nearly dying do I feel any real rush or feelings. I'm becoming numb to all of this, and I feel like an imposter imposing myself into all of their lives. I feel like Naruto is forced to like me at this point because I stuck with him through everything. I doubt he would even like me if he didn't grow up with me.'
Moving at a high speed Haruko's chest began to hurt, and he found himself standing on top of the mountain overlooking the village and the Hokage monument just below him.
'I know Keith said I wasn't special, and I didn't do anything to earn a second chance at life, but still, why me? I wasn't incredible in my first life. I was just a loser who accomplished nothing in twenty years aside from wasting it. My parent's looked down on me, my grandparents wanted nothing to do with me. I couldn't keep a job or a girlfriend. I was a waste of space, and nothing's changed since then.
I might have this power, but I'm too much of a coward to use it to the fullest potential. I don't want to kill people for fun, just for self defense. I haven't accomplished anything major, I've been used by others for their convenience even if I did benefit from it. Naruto is a shining light in this world, who improves the lives of all those around him, but I'm just here. Maybe it would be better if I just left.'
Haruko laid back, and took a good look up at the sky. Watching the clouds move right on by. As he laid there, and took his time contemplating another figure appeared aside him.
"Great weather we're having huh?" Kakshi asked while taking a seat beside him.
"What are you doing here?" Haruko asked with a bit of mirth.
"Checking up on you. I heard your little spat with Jiraiya." Haruko looked a little embarrassed, but didn't say anything.
"You want to talk about what's going on?"
"There isn't much to say sensei. I'm not even real, I don't have parents. I don't have any family. I shouldn't exist in the first place. I feel alien, or like a trespasser."
"So you feel like you don't belong?"
"To simplify it, yes. I've been acting for years now. I'm not a normal kid, I don't think like a normal kid, and I don't feel like an 8 year old."
"Have you always felt that way?"
"Yes. The sole reason I attached myself to Naruto was because I saw how he was treated. He needed a friend. I needed something to cling to to make me feel like I existed. Seeing all these people, you included coming into his life, and showing him he has a place, and he is valid hurts. I have nothing, and nobody."
"I'm here."
"You're here because you were forced to. You might have grown attached to us, but I know without Naruto, we would have never met. I'd be just another lost kid."
"At first, yes, but you're my student. Practically a little brother to me. You're important."
"Am I though? Is there anything to validate my existence? I knew a whole extermination was going to take place, and I took no action to prevent it, or help those innocent people in any way. I just benefited from their deaths."
"What could you have done? Convinced the Hokage to not go through with it? Convenience Itachi? There's no way you could have done either. As much as you may not feel like it, you are just a kid."
"I could have done more! I didn't do anything at all! I just watched it happen, and then cleaned up the mess! Is that all I'm worth? The only reason Danzo even tried to kill me was to get at Naruto!"
"Do you resent him?"
"Resent Naruto? No, not even a little bit. I am jealous though. I know he doesn't have it easy, but he has people who love him. Soon the whole village will love him. Every word he speaks brings some kind of positive change in those around him. You wouldn't have healed the way you did without him, while I'm a literal monstrosity meant for murder. I am a weapon designed to kill, and read benefits from it. Hell sometimes I only feel alive if my life is in danger, and I don't even get that anymore!"
"You know a lot of my progress has been because of you. You're constant prodigy has forced me to open up more than I ever would have even with Naruto. You healed my eye, and allowed me to continue my journey as a ninja instead of fading into obscurity."
"You would have been fine without my help. Kakashi, why are you here?"
"Because I'm worried about your mental state."
"Are you worried about me? Or what may happen if I lose it?"
"Both Haruko. You represent either a massive hope, or terror for this world. You have more potential than anybody in the entirety of this world, and if you're not taken care of properly you could hurt yourself."
"So you're just scared of me?"
"That's not what I'm saying. I know the mental burden having all those memories swimming around your head is causing you. I can see it wearing on you everyday. I'm worried you'll lose your sense of self."
"What am I meant to do Kakashi?" Haruko by this point had tears in his eyes.
"What we all do. Get through it, and come out the other side better."
"That's such a cop out answer."
"You just need to get lost on the road of life, and move on from these thoughts.So what if you don't have parents, or connections to anybody? Make a family, make those connections. This is why I pushed you so hard towards the academy."
"I can't make a family Kakashi. I can't make parents. I don't want to connect with a bunch of children. I don't know what I want." Haruko spoke the last bit softly while rolling away from Kakashi.
"I'm sorry your mind is so busy right now Haruko. How can I help?"
"You really can't. I just want to get away. I'm a leech, I just live off the affection, and attention Naruto brings. Beyond that I have no purpose."
"What's your dream?"
"I don't have one. I focused so much on surviving, and getting stronger that I didn't have time for anything else."
"Come up with one then."
"It's not that easy."
"Sure it is, just try."
"Protect myself from Danzo, and Oroshimaru. That's all I have. More like objectives than anything else."
"Why don't we go out for a bit. Let's take a little trip just the two of us, and get you a little bit of peace of mind."
"Sure" Haruko responded dejectedly
"Alright wait here, I'll go tell Jiraiya to keep an eye on Naruto for a few weeks, and tell the school you'll be busy."
"Will the school allow that?"
"You already meet all the qualifications to graduate, they can eat a sock. I'll be back in a bit. Just try to relax, and not sink too deep."
"I'll try my best."
PERTIMBANGAN PENCIPTA 
Balthizar_Blake
Balthizar_Blake Alright so the purpose of this chapter was to ive more of an insight into the workings of Haruko's mind, and allow me to change up the pace a bit. We've been a bit too much roses, and daises latly, and I needed to ground the plot a bit more as Haruko is a troubled individual, and does need some support from time to time. As mentioned his parents form his privious life werent very nice people, and he's lacked any sort of decent support system for many years. Major Imposter syndrome from imposing himself into this world, and living out several other peoples lives while here.
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