Bab 11: Eleven
He wasn't sure how, but Elijah found himself in the cemetery standing in front of his brother's grave. It was as if his feet took him there on their own accord. Holding up a slightly shaky hand, he touched the dusty gravestone.
Elijah was doubting himself. A moment ago, facing his parents sounded like a great idea. He was glad he was finally standing up to them. But as thoughts of 'what now?' consumed his mind, he was starting to contemplate on whether or not it was the right thing to do. He knew that the moment he stepped into that house again (which was definitely not happening anytime soon), he was going to be thoroughly screwed.
"I... Did I do the right thing?" He stared at his brother's name that was carved into the gravestone as if expecting an answer. None came. But he didn't stop talking.
"You were the only one who encouraged me to do what I loved, the one who shared my dream. I... I really miss you. These past few weeks have been like a dream come true for me. I became part of a dance club and I met this amazing guy who became my friend," Elijah smiled at the thought of Noah. "But reality has to come and hit you in the face some day, doesn't it?" He sighed and sat down on the concrete, arms circled around his knees. "I wonder what you'd say if you saw me now... Maybe I did you justice because I know you always loved watching me dance so much. But should I just defy my parents, tough it out and continue this path? Or should I go back to how things were before? I really don't know because both hurt so much." He closed his eyes and hugged his knees to his chest.
"I guess it's a matter of choosing one; the pain of fighting a battle that I will never win... or the pain of not fighting at all."
Elijah's eyes were blurry with unshed tears but he didn't cry. He knew how much his brother hated seeing him cry. And he believed that wherever Ricky was, he was seeing and hearing him right now.
"Or maybe… Maybe I should just join you," he said coldly, staring ahead.
"Elijah?" A sudden whisper made him gasp and turn back to the noise, only to see a shocked Lucas standing in front of him. His eyes were lined with obvious concern and a deep frown marred his features.
"What are you doing here?" Elijah asked, getting up and dusting off his pants. Judging by the look on Lucas' face, he probably heard something he shouldn't have.
Lucas blinked a few times before speaking slowly, "I was here with mom... We came to visit my late grandmother. I saw you while we were leaving so I told mom to go home without me."
"Oh." Elijah simply stared down at the ground. His guard was back on.
"I'm sorry..." Lucas said after some silence, "Maybe I should have gone too. But... I don't know..." The elder wasn't sure what to say.
"It's okay." The look in Elijah's eyes was completely distant.
"I didn't know you had a brother." Lucas said cautiously, looking at the gravestone. Elijah didn't reply to him.
"Is everything okay?" The elder finally asked about what had been nagging at him. Just the day before, Elijah looked so happy but now... it didn't even feel like the same person.
"Or maybe I should just join you..."
Remembering what Elijah had just said made him internally flinch. Was the blonde really contemplating suicide? Lucas knew they weren't very close and it probably wasn't any of his business but he just couldn't help it. Somewhere along the road, he came to care about the younger. He knew that beyond his cold exterior, Elijah was not a bad person at all.
"How much did you hear?" Elijah asked instead, ignoring the brunette's question.
"U-Um..." Lucas didn't really know how to spell it out, "Enough to know that you're not okay."
Elijah's dark, soulless eyes bore into his and they almost made him shiver. Eventually, his expression softened and he sighed.
"And I suppose you're waiting for an explanation?"
"I don't think I have the right to ask for one." Lucas shrugged, "But that doesn't mean I don't want to know what's bothering you. After all, we're partners, right? We're supposed to be there for each other."
Something flashed in Elijah's eyes but Lucas wasn't sure what it was. Elijah was at a loss. He didn't know what to do and how to face this situation by himself. He never actually fought with his parents before. It was a line he had never crossed, completely new territory, and he had no idea what to do anymore. He needed advice. Elijah would have talked to Noah but he understood that the elder was busy packing and had enough stress of his own to deal with already.
Could he really open up to the brunette that stood in front of him? His partner? Someone who also shared the same dream? The same person he couldn't stand to look at just a few weeks ago?
After seeing that Elijah didn't reply for a long time, he offered instead, "How about we go somewhere else? This is probably not a good place to talk."
Elijah simply nodded and followed the elder out of the cemetery, not before sparing his brother's grave one last glance.
Lucas ended up taking them to the same beach they were at before. This time they stayed in Lucas's car with the view of the waves in front of them, windows open so the sounds of the waves crashing against the shore. They sat there in silence for what felt like a really long time for both of them. Lucas kept opening his mouth to say something but what was there to say? He didn't want to seem nosy and ask Elijah what had happened with him. But at the same time, he was curious.
On the other hand, Elijah was silently contemplating. He hated this feeling of desperation, of needing someone to help him because it made him feel weak. All this time he thought he could handle everything all by himself. He hated this feeling of needing to depend on someone. But then again, he remembered how comforting it felt when he opened up to Noah, like all these unspoken words and bottled up stress that have been weighing him down for so long simply disappeared within a split of a second. That suffocation he felt that day... he was feeling it again today, only tenfold. He was breaking, again.
"My parents never came yesterday." He spoke softly, eyes cast out the window.
"...Why?"
"Because... they never supported my dream... of dancing. Frankly they never supported me in anything I loved. Those 'perfect parents' you saw when you visited... it was all just an act." Elijah spoke, voice softer than usual. "They didn't know I'd been dancing these past few weeks. I wanted them to come to the showcase and see for themselves but apparently, they were too 'busy'." He chuckled bitterly, "I just kinda lost it and had a big fight with them this morning. I lashed out at them with everything I had in me. I was just running on adrenaline at that moment and I didn't realize the gravity of what I was doing. I don't know how I'm gonna face them after this."
Lucas sucked in a breath as he stared at the other boy whose eyes still didn't leave the window.
"Elijah, look at me."
The blonde hesitated before finally turning away from the window and looking straight into Lucas' firm eyes.
"I think you did the right thing. Maybe you're just scared of picking a fight with your own parents, and there's nothing wrong with that. But I'm telling you that there is nothing more rewarding than fighting for what you love. It's your life in the end, they’re not the ones who are going to live it for you. And if they don't respect that, then they're simply not worth it."
"But in the end they're still my parents. Nothing changes that fact." Elijah whispered.
"Oh please. I don't want to sound vulgar, but any two people can have sex without a condom and become parents. A real parent is one that supports their child and encourages them to chase their dreams no matter what."
Elijah looked down at his lap, silently contemplating Lucas' words. He has a point.
"So... what do I do now?" He finally muttered.
"You can stay at my place if you want to." Lucas offered, "You don't have to go back yet. I'm sure mom wouldn't mind either. She likes you."
Elijah wasn't really sure about accepting the brunette's offer but it didn't look like he had another choice anyway. Where else could he go? He knew he couldn't go to Noah's since he'd only be extra stress on the elder. Going back home didn't sound too appealing either. Maybe I'll just stay there for the time being until I decide what I'm going to do.
With a sigh, he leaned back in his seat and nodded, "Okay."
"They'll understand some day." Lucas comfortingly patted his shoulder, "Just keep trying. Keep fighting. Once they see how important this is to you, they'll come around."
"I hope you're right."
The two sat in silence after that. Lucas couldn't help but glance at the blonde from time to time. It was sad really, how he looked like he was having the time of his life just the last night, how his eyes were shining with glee even though he kept his cold demeanor. But now he looked depressed. Depressed, broken and lonely. The same emotions Lucas saw when he was dancing that night. The emotions that were so raw in his moves, and now so raw in his eyes and his posture. Lucas decided he didn't like seeing him like that.
"Could you.. tell me about your brother? If you don't mind me asking." Lucas probed carefully after much thought. He couldn't help that he was a little curious.
"Ricky?" Elijah said cautiously, clearly pondering over it in his head. "Well… he passed away two years ago."
"Oh... I'm really sorry." Lucas muttered.
"You know... Ricky and I were really close." Elijah spoke again, feeling oddly comfortable talking to Lucas, "He wasn't just my brother, he was also my best friend. Our parents never really spent a lot of time with this so it always felt like him and I alone. But we were okay with it... because we always had each other. I had his back and he had mine. Both of us love to dance ever since we were really young." Elijah was smiling as if he was remembering something pleasant. The smile then slowly faded from his lips.
"But then around the end of middle school... He started getting depressed. Mom and dad weren't paying us any attention and it was frustrating him. Ricky's grades were average and they kept comparing me to him since I always got straight A's. I didn't like it and I knew it hurt his feelings but there was nothing I could do. So I tried my best to help him out with his studies. Then of course there was the stress of school life. He... He started getting involved with the wrong people. He got distant from me and a few months later I found out that he had been doing drugs. I fought with him, I told him to stop hanging out with those kids, but all he did was shout back at me about how it was his life and that he could do whatever he wanted. Mom and dad... they never noticed anything. They didn't see how devastated their son was. He completely changed... it was as if he hated me. I knew he didn't really hate me, but rather, he hated being compared to me all the time..."
"I tried so hard, Lucas. So hard to get my little brother back, but... maybe he was just too far gone already. I once had a big fight with him and he stormed out of the house angrily. Next morning... the police were at our house telling us he died of a drug overdose."
Elijah was clenching his fists hard as he spoke, his voice now less composed and more on the shaky side, as if he was re-living every moment as he spoke. Lucas was watching his shell slowly break. "My parents... they blamed me for everything. They said it was all because I couldn't take care of my little brother. And I was so sorrowful back then that... I actually believed them." Elijah stared up at Lucas' eyes, "I thought it was all my fault that he died. I stayed up so many nights after that, hating myself, blaming myself, pulling at my own hair, wishing it was me who died instead. I locked myself in my room. I didn't sleep and I hardly ate. I lost so much weight that I was nothing but skin over bone."
"A year later though, I sat with myself with a clear mind. I thought of all the good times I shared with my little brother, and about what drove him to that state. And I realized... how could it be my fault when I was the only one who stood by him and tried to make him feel better? How was it my fault when it was them, my own parents, who drove him to depression in the first place? I realized it was the easiest thing for them to put the blame on me so they wouldn't have to feel the guilt, the pain that I suffered. I didn't blame myself anymore and I started gaining back my health, all because I knew that Ricky would have never wanted to see me like that. But the pain of losing the one person who you would do anything for was still there. It's always there, and it never leaves. Scars heal but they don't fade. They leave a dull mark on your skin. That's what I became."
Elijah paused to take a breath. The tears were threatening to fall but he held them back. Unwrapping all these unpleasant memories again was painful but relieving all at the same time. He just wanted to let it all out for whoever was willing to listen, and that just happened to be Lucas. He tried not to think about the look if pity he was going to get from the brunette after this. He just had to get it off his chest first.
"You'd think that when they lost one son they'd change... they'd realize what they'd done wrong and tried to improve. But no... They became even worse."
"Eli..." Lucas whispered, eyes wide in shock at the revelation. Just how much pain could one person withstand all on their own? Elijah was so unbelievably strong and Lucas couldn't help but gape in awe. He couldn't put himself in the blonde's shoes no matter how much he tried but he was certain it must have been a lot worse than it sounded.
"I think... I think he'd be happy seeing that I'm finally pursuing my dream now. Maybe he was there in that audience yesterday, cheering me on. And maybe he's happy that I finally stood up to them."
"I'm sure he is. Your brother loved you." Lucas stated firmly, and he wasn't sure why but he felt so positive about what he said, "And I'm sure he'd be happy if he saw you happy, too. So... don't hold back anymore. Live your life however the fuck you want to. Don't listen to them anymore, Elijah. Fuck, you never even have to go back home again."
Elijah simply shook his head but the corners of his lips turned up ever so slightly, "You know I can't do that. I'll have to face them again sometime. It's okay, I won't give up now. I think I owe at least this much to Ricky. He's my number one fan, after all. He always used to say that."
Lucas smiled. "I know... You can stay at my place for as long as you like, though."
“It… It really means a lot, you know. You helping me out…” He said honestly, gazing at Lucas softly. The latter seemed a little surprised with how genuine it was, but he found himself smiling nonetheless.
"Don’t sweat it. I’m here for you. And thank you, Eli... For telling me all this."
Elijah looked at Lucas and he didn't see the look of pity he expected. No, instead, he saw respect.
"Thank you for listening."
Hadiah
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