Bab 17: III
To risk was something I'm scared of stepping up. Like there's no best in everything you do. Hindi madaling madesisyon at sumubok. Wala naman bagay na madali.
Decision matters in our own hands. In the end of the day, the fact that it's you who decides and you should be firm enough to face it – the possible consequences. Still you need to grow up and tell the whole word you can do something. You are more than what they expected.
"Ayos ka na ba?" tanong ng kasama ko. Kung hindi dahil sa kanya, I don't know what to do. Siya ang kasama ko from Manila to Negros Occidental. Rest house kasi nila ang pinuntahan naming – simply to unwind.
"Ayos na," ika ko, "salamat pala at sinamahan mo ko."
Lanie disagree with, kaya wala akong choice kundi siya ang pakiusapan ko. Plus, I don't know where I go. His suggestion was really good. Mabuti nalang at pumayag din naman ang parents ko. Of course with their notice.
Umupo siya sa bakanteng silya na nasa tabi ko. We were on the veranda. He gives me the cup of hot chocolate. "Huwag mo na alalahanin ang bagay na 'yon. The important is…you can think."
"Thank you parin."
"Promise me, kapag bumalik tayo ng Manila aayusin mo na ang lahat."
"I am."
My senior year in college wasn't easy. Beside my friend, Lanie, isa siya sa mga taong talaga namang malapit sa'kin. Year passed by, he stays – a friend and someone you can lean with.
Iyong minsan na mahirap magdesisyon. Knowing that there someone beside you, continually supports you, felt at ease. I once experienced a win-win situation; not knowing how to handle pero nandoon parin siya sa tabi ko.
"The last time na nakita kitang magmukmok sa isang gilid. That was six years ago." Untag niya, "having some family issue, and now?"
"I don't know." Mahinang usal ko. I don't really know what's the matter with. Like things slowly fall out from place.
"Monique, what's the matter?" seryosong niyang tanong sa'kin. "Nasa ikaapat na taon na rin tayo sa kolehiyo, pero hindi ka parin nagbabago. You're still that girl."
"Why it's hard to make decision? Napakakomplikado ng sitwasyon." Hindi ko mapigilang wika sa kanya.
"Life has many choices Monique. In every circumstances, there's always two choices."
"It doesn't mean it will be easy."
"Of course, yet choose what really makes you happy."
Bagay na magpapasaya sayo? Those words never left me then. How? When feelings aren't accurate to lean on? I also don't know, trusting my own emotions isn't easy. Emotions fade, ano nga ba naman ang magsasabing tunay na kasiyahan. Tungkol lang ba ito sa material na bagay.
Material things never bring happiness. At ano ang koneksyon nito sa mga desisyon. Maraming maaapektuhan sa simpleng desisyon na gagawin ng isang indibiduwal. It could affect our family, friends and our influences. Decision will never be that easy – we need to weigh first. Existence always bounds with choices – best or worst. Hindi rin natin masasabi na tama sa lahat ng oras ang desisyon na meron tayo. Who knows what the result? Tomorrow withholds.
Ano nga ba ang hawak natin? Wala. We only have choices, yet we don't hold something in life. Ang reyalidad ay hindi ganoon kadali – puno ito ng karahasan na galing sa masama. Mga bagay na mahirap ipaliwanag lalo na at wala ni kahit isa ang nakakaunawa. Pagpili na pwedeng magbigay ng biyaya sa atin o kaya naman sumpa. Either way, life revolves in the mysterious ways.
Choices may vary. Two possible results. Nasa sa'tin, kung paano natin panghahawakan ang mga iyon. Ang paninindigan sa mga bagay, paano haharapin ang mga konsekwensiya sa mga maling pagpili. O kaya naman paano tanggapin ng sistema natin ang mga 'yon. Malayang pagpili – we ought to choose, being part of life. Like what I said, it could affect people around us – inside our influence perhaps. We can't simply remain being a child, growing is always part of the cycle.
Prepared? Might be in retrospect we know what will happen. Still we aren't that prepared. We, at least prepared with the possible outcome. I know, adjustment will never be easy, been there a countless time. Somewhat being prepared with lessen the difficulty.
Who really understand how the life going on? How did it go upon things which absolutely come and go? Yes, the cycle – from birth to death. Is it really just a routine of procreation? Well, I don't believe it. There's something more about our existence. Mysteries that awe my understanding over those certain perplexities.
We could be more than what the world want us to be. Can't simply let this harsh world resemble us. A lot of things which world cannot explain with or even give us satisfying answer about life. The world wanted us to believe the literal things which come and go. Perfection which brought mere distraction. Those aren't easy to attain, believing will damage us. We ended up losing hope.
Like they want you to believe the lies. A diversion which intervenes the principle we came to have faith in. The truth, not all we pick up nor see are accurate. Lot of thing seems right, yet it isn't. Traditions says yes it is, but our conscience says no. There's the good news, God measured differently in the sense He completely understand every human's heart.
To take a risk, stays a lesson which I'll keep. Having decision upon Thine will really pour a blessing to me and people I value that much. No matter how the situation may be, taking step forward with God is the best decision we could have.
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