Bab 10: The Alpha Years: The Last Days of Joy
Sophomore year started with a big problem for me. I had been silent for a full two months, and a few things had changed among the people I knew. Emmanuel was still top of the class, but I wasn't ready to see that he also was hanging out with the twin towers a lot more. PJ was stealing glances at Ed a lot more than I felt comfortable with. Pikachu was getting more irritable than I ever saw him. Even J had become more of a jerk than I remembered him to be. Christian was the only one I could trust for a few months, and if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have felt as calm as I looked. It amazed me that the club continued that year. I chose to go to each meeting just to have time with PJ and Christian without interruption. Then, one day in November, I decided to tell PJ how I felt. I decided to pull her aside after school and was shocked when she did it to me. We both were excited and couldn't speak for a few seconds. After a few minutes, she told me she felt like she had a crush on Ed. I was broken but knew it was true. I told her I wanted what was best for her, and would help her ask him out if she needed it. I was broken, but I had already seen that she wouldn't be happy with me. I chose to not say anything because she deserved to be happy than be held back. To this day, it haunts me that I didn't fight for her. Yet, I still wouldn't change my choice. I did what I said I would do. I didn't sabotage Ed but told him the situation in private. I also told him if it came down to her happiness or his, I'd watch out for hers.
After this, I stayed around Christian more often. We came to be pretty close. We bonded over mutual interests I never realized we had. Pikachu wasn't around me that much, and I didn't realize he was having problems until it got to a breaking point. He had PE and I had Art. And everyone in the Art class heard screaming coming from outside where PE was taking place. I was the first one to the window, and I saw Pikachu chasing J. He was screaming at him, and J looked like he was running for his life. I found out later in the day that J was taunting Pikachu throughout PE and Pikachu had enough after ten minutes. Both of them were expelled immediately. I felt like it was my fault for not watching out for Pikachu, but deep down he had always had these problems.
After a week, I was fine again. I started joining Emmanuel and the twin towers whenever I could, and Christian was left out of my life for a month. After that month, I tried talking to Christian again. He felt offended because I had basically left him for another group, but in my mind, I felt that he was still my friend. Emmanuel may have been someone who was a good friend, but Christian and I had been through too much for me to not want to be around him. I slowly came to the decision of talking with PJ about what I should do. She hadn't had any luck with Ed, but it was more because I still had a bit of jealousy toward him. She told me I had to choose with my heart, that I was a caring person. I gave myself a week and then chose to be with both. She was right, I cared about all my friends and couldn't let any of them go.
After a few months, we had the end of the year trip. I was put in the same car, but this time, I didn't have a plan set. I didn't care what happened, and it was the first time I felt free in years. I was dared to swim in the river and fulfilled it despite my attempt the previous year. I felt like this was a great ending to the year. The minute I got back, the foster parents were there. They saw me watching PJ, and connected the dots to who I spent so much money and time on. I was mocked for not taking my chance as we drove off. I was told the next school year would be spent at a public school and I would graduate from the next school. I was heartbroken but hid it just as I hid my feelings for so long.
The month before school started, I was surprised to see PJ at my church again. She told me she needed help. And couldn't say more before service began. Halfway through the service she got up and ran to my seat. She told me her family was moving out of town. It disrupted the entire service, but all I saw was her. She told me she wanted to stay at my house, trusting that the foster family had the same caring heart I had. I turned to the foster mother, but she looked away with contempt. PJ started crying but decided to kiss me in front of everyone. Once again, my heart was broken. As she walked away, I was pulled in the other direction. The foster family took me to the car and berated me for making them look bad in front of everyone. As we drove to the gate, PJ and I looked into each other's eyes from the backseat of separate cars. I promised myself that if she ever needed help, I would be there for her.
[I want to end this with a quote I learned that year that has been a way for me to deal with any situation of leaving.]
[Thinking of you
wherever you are
We pray for our
Sorrows to end
And hope that our hearts
Will blend
Now I will step
Forward to realize
This wish.
And who knows
Starting a new
Journey may not
Be so hard
Or maybe it has
Already begun
There are many
Worlds,
But they share
The same sky - one sky,
One destiny.]
This quote from another series I came to love gave me the courage to go on. I saw it as a way to say everyone I met in my life was there for a reason, even if we never met again they were meant to have a place and reason to be in my life and I was the same for them. It was going to become more real than I thought possible.
Status Power Mingguan
-- Peringkat
Power 
-- Power
stone