Bab 94: Chapter Five: Unknown Changes
"I messed up…" Kanako thought. "I so messed up!" In a fit, she rolled back and forth on her bed. "Chiyo told me just to give little nudges! I'm still not sure what that means, but it definitely doesn't mean 'try to grab Haruna's arm and force her to listen!' Ugh, why am I so stupid?!"
Since arriving home minutes ago, Kanako had done nothing but writhe in agony over her own mistake. She had tried to be aggressive, and it had completely backfired. "That was the best chance I've had in forever, and I totally blew it…" she groaned.
Although, for as much regret as Kanako was feeling, her mind kept thinking about something she had noticed. "It seemed like… Haruna was in pain…" she thought. Kanako wondered if maybe it was just from having to talk to her, but she quickly gave up that idea. "It was more than that… it was like… when she spoke, she was hurting herself…" Upon further thought, that did make sense. "Haruna told me she loved me… Chiyo told me she's scared to hear my answer… Of course it would hurt to tell me to go away…"
Of course, while Kanako could understand the meaning behind Haruna's words, that didn't make them any easier to ignore. "She doesn't want me near her… But is that really true? Her face earlier makes me think it's not… but what if it is? But her confession…" Kanako started thinking herself into circles. "Argh, I just don't get it!" she exclaimed. "What does Haruna want from me?!"
In the heat of the moment, Kanako sat up. "I should just march over there and confess!" she declared, but as soon as she did, she flopped back down. "No, that won't work. I doubt Haruna would take me seriously given the circumstances. Honestly, I don't think I could take myself seriously…" Admittedly, there was also a part of Kanako that still wanted her confession to be more on the romantic side, so just going next door and shouting her feelings didn't really feel right. "Maybe I'm just holding myself back…" she thought dejectedly.
It was hard for Kanako to know what was the right thing to do anymore. Personally, she wanted to be right next to Haruna telling her how much she loves her. For advice, she had been told to give Haruna "little nudges," whatever that meant. Then there was Haruna herself, who was afraid to hear Kanako's answer but seemingly was in pain when telling Kanako to leave her alone.
"And now on top of all of this, Mi-chan suddenly wants to spend time with me…" she added to herself. That was nearly bigger news than being able to talk to Haruna. It had been even longer since Kanako and Michi had spent any significant amount of time together, and after their last argument, Kanako had wondered if they ever would again. "I'm kind of happy that she reached out, but I'm nervous too…"
There was always the possibility that things could turn out how they had before. If that really happened, Kanako knew her relationship with Michi would really be over. "There's no way we could survive another argument. I have to remember to not get angry at anything Mi-chan says!" Thinking that though gave Kanako a bad feeling. "Since when did I think like that about Mi-chan? Don't get angry at what she says? It might not even be bad. Why am I already assuming things?"
What had once been a good friendship had now turned so sour in Kanako's mind. It had happened slowly, and it was only now that Kanako was really noticing the change. "I knew that it wasn't great between us, but has it really gotten this bad?" she wondered. She felt more dread than excitement at the thought of hanging out with Michi. When trying to imagine what they'd do together, it seemed like only arguing came to mind. "Ugh…" Kanako groaned. "Thinking about this isn't any better…"
Haruna and all of the complicated feelings that went with that situation were on one side. Michi and what she was going to do or say was on the other. Stuck in the middle was Kanako, who was at a complete loss. "I wish everything in my life wasn't such a mess…" she thought. She had no idea how it had gotten like this. "I guess when I really think about it, this all started at the beginning of last year with my confession to Akio-kun." Of course, even just remembering the boy's name made Kanako irritated, so she pushed him out of her mind. "It's not like it really matters," she thought. "Everything is how it is now, so there's no point in looking at the past to try to untangle this mess." What was done was done, and Kanako decided all she could do now was focus on the present.
Unfortunately, doing that didn't make her life any easier. "I guess first up is Mi-chan on Saturday. I really hope we don't end up fighting again…"
*****
When Saturday came around, Kanako was a bundle of nerves. "Is this really a good idea?" she wondered. It felt only natural to doubt herself at the last minute. "It's really been so long since we spent any real time together… What if we can't fix things? Or, what if it gets worse? If that's the case, then maybe I should just stay home…" But as she thought that, Kanako shook her head. "No, that wouldn't be fair to Mi-chan. It's not like she doesn't have the same worries I have about this, and I'm sure it was hard for her to ask so sincerely like she did too. If I didn't show up, that would be more than rude…"
Kanako still had her doubts, but ultimately she decided to still go. The night before, Michi had sent a text saying to just come to her apartment. Kanako wasn't really sure what they'd do there. Really, the thought of going back there made her more nervous. "The last time I was there was Christmas night…" she remembered. Before that, she had still only been to Michi's apartment a few times, so that night stood out even more against the couple of other times she had been there. With some difficulty, Kanako did her best to put that out of her mind. "I just need to focus on today. If I think about the past, I'll just end up saying something I shouldn't."
The plan was to meet up in the early afternoon, so Kanako had to wait for a little longer before she could go, not to mention waiting on her mother who was going to give her a ride. "Y'know, it's been awhile since I've heard you talk about Mi-chan," she commented. "Y-Yeah," Kanako said, not having much of a response to that. After all, it's not like she could deny it.
Opening the door to leave, Kanako walked out and immediately froze. The winter air certainly played a role in this, but what was an even bigger factor was what was happening next door. Just as Kanako had come outside, Haruna had too at the same time. Hearing the doors close, they had both happened to look over at the other's house.
Seeing Kanako, Haruna's eyes went wide for a moment. Then, she hurried off. As she did, Kanako quickly put up a hand to stop her, but as she went to call her name, she found that she couldn't. It was like the girl's name got caught in her throat, refusing to come up any further. "Why can't I… call out to her?" Kanako wondered. "Is it because of what she said to me?"
Kanako wanted to give it more thought, but before she could, her mother was following her out the door and telling her to get in the car. "I guess I'll have to worry about it later," she thought. Currently, there was another girl that Kanako knew she needed to be thinking about. "Mi-chan… I really hope you're not planning something." It bothered Kanako to think of Michi that way, but with the way her friend had acted in the past, it seemed like it was a valid concern.
The ride to her destination was short, as Michi only lived a little ways away from Kanako by car. When she arrived, she stared up at the somewhat run-down apartment complex. It wasn't in poor condition, but it was clear that it had stood for quite some time, as the walls were weathered and the pavement surrounding it had many cracks. Checking the text she had gotten last night, Kanako went up to the third floor and specified apartment. Once she reached the door, she stood there for a moment in hesitation. With a small shake of her head, she sent that feeling away and raised her hand to knock.
"Coming!" a voice called from the other side. With a click, the door opened, revealing a Michi in a simple pair of jeans and a purple hoodie that matched her eyes. "Hey Kana-chan," she said. "Come in." "T-Thanks for having me," Kanako said, offering her formalities. "S-So, um, what are we going to do?" "Well, I know this was my idea, but I kind of wanted to leave it up to you," Michi said sheepishly. "Me?" Kanako said, surprised. "Yeah. I felt like it might be better if I let you pick," Michi explained.
Kanako tried to think quickly. "Something to do, something to do…" she pondered. Really, there wasn't a lot she could come up with to do. It's not like there were many options when living in a small town. "I-I don't really know…" she mumbled. "Sorry. I know I'm putting you on the spot like this," Michi said. Then an awkward silence fell over them. Neither of the girls knew what to do. On one side, Michi wanted to start talking about things, but was afraid that she'd come off as being too aggressive. On the other side, Kanako was worried about saying something that might start an argument.
To break the silence, Michi let out a sigh. "We're not going to get anywhere like this," she said. "Yeah…" Kanako agreed. "Should we talk?" Michi asked, to which Kanako nodded. Neither of them were sure just how far the conversation would go, but it was clear that if they didn't start with clearing the air between them at least slightly, they wouldn't be able to do anything else.
"I'm… not really sure where to start," Michi said. "But I guess… I should say I'm sorry." Already, Kanako was caught off-guard. "She's sorry?" she thought. "For what exactly?" It wasn't that Kanako was naive. Rather, she was wondering for which of Michi's transgressions was Michi apologizing for. "I know I've said some pretty mean things to you… especially that time in front of the school. I shouldn't have made you choose between Endo-san and I." "Ah…" Kanako let out. "I-I'm sorry too for that… I should've been nicer."
Another awkward silence fell over them. "This is so uncomfortable," Kanako thought. "But at least we're not fighting. Although…" She decided to break the silence. "Mi-chan. I have to ask, and I know I just said sorry for not being nicer before, so this will probably sound pretty rude, but… Do you think one apology is enough to fix the damage you've caused?"
Having that pointed out, Michi scowled. "Look, I'll admit that I deserve a fair share of the blame, but don't act like you're innocent either. All the damage I've caused? What about you?" "Me? Aside from that time in front of the school, what did I do?" Kanako asked, bewildered. Michi started to seethe, but just as Kanako was sure she'd explode, all Michi did was let out a long breath. "Mi-chan?" Kanako couldn't help but say the girl's name in confusion. "Sorry," she said. "I'm really trying not to snap at you. I want us to be able to be friends again, but that can't happen if we just keep fighting all the time." "You're right…" Kanako agreed.
Of course she was right. Thinking back, Kanako could hardly remember the last time she had spent time with Michi and an argument hadn't occurred. If they were ever going to fix their friendship, the fights had to stop. However, with so much baggage on both sides, Kanako and Michi both wondered if that would be possible.
"Okay, let's say I take some blame too," Kanako said reluctantly. "Even if I do, I think my question still stands." "I know, and I don't," Michi said resolutely. "Kana-chan, I watched you and Endo-san fight for years. I know one apology can't fix long-term damage like that quickly. But I think it's a start. I do regret what I said and did, and the best way I can think of to show you that is to apologize." "Mi-chan…" Kanako uttered. Once again, Michi was right. It was clear how much thought she had given to this, as she was spot on with how Kanako felt. One apology wasn't nearly enough in Kanako's mind, but Michi understood that. "She's definitely thought about this more than I have…" she thought.
A sense of guilt formed in Kanako. What had she been doing this whole time? Thinking about herself? Thinking about Haruna? And yet, all this time, Michi was thinking about how to fix their friendship. How much thought had Kanako given to that particular issue? Not nearly as much as Michi, she was sure. "I'm a terrible friend…" she thought sadly.
"I want to be honest with you too Kana-chan," Michi said. "I still don't like Endo-san. I can't stand her really. But… I'm willing… to try to find a balance…" Those last few words almost seemed to cause Michi pain as she spoke them. "I understand… well, actually, I really don't… that Endo-san is important to you, so I'll… try to avoid antagonizing her…" "Why not just say you'll try to get along with her?" Kanako asked. "There is no way I'll ever get along with that brute," Michi said point-blank.
All in all, Kanako had mixed feelings. She was glad to see that Michi was genuinely trying to apologize, but she was also clear that she wasn't even going to make an attempt to befriend Haruna. Considering how much Haruna meant to Kanako, and how much Michi meant to her, she had hoped the two could one day become friends. Now that hope seemed further away.
She wanted to ask if there was any way she could at least try, but just as she opened her mouth, Michi's phone started vibrating. "Huh? Who's calling me?" she asked aloud. Checking the screen, she let out an "Ugh," before answering it.
"What do you want?" she asked harshly. "Huh? Yeah, I'm with Kana-chan. Why?" Hearing her own name, Kanako started to pay more attention to the conversation. "Am I what? … Who cares if I'm wearing something cute?!" Based on her reactions, Kanako had a good guess as to who Michi was talking to. "Haah… you're seriously exhausting, you know that?" And then, with her next sentence, a shock went through Kanako's system.
"You're such an idiot!"
It had nothing to do with the words. Rather, it was two things. The first was the tone in which they were said. It was light, cheery and playful. The second thing was that as Michi had spoken them, she had been smiling, and it was the kind of smile that Kanako had never seen before. She knew she hadn't because it was the kind of smile you only show to someone who you have-
"Sorry about that," Michi said as she hung up. "Anyways-" "Who was on the phone?" Kanako asked abruptly. "Huh? Oh, just Chiyo," Michi answered casually. "Chiyo? Since when were you two so close?" Kanako asked. "Close? We're not close. She just won't leave me alone," Michi said, but her tone betrayed her words. There was warmth in her voice, sending yet another jolt through Kanako.
"Something's wrong," she thought.
"Something's changed," she thought.
"Something's different," she thought.
Warning bells went off in Kanako's head. The way Michi was acting was completely foreign to her. This wasn't the Michi she knew. The Michi Kanako had known hated gyarus, especially Chiyo. The Michi Kanako had known wanted nothing to do with them. The Michi Kanako had known… would never… fall… "There's no way," Kanako thought, but her mind was both racing and reeling. If what she thought was actually true, then… then…
"Hey, Mi-chan," she began. "What do you think of Chiyo?" "Huh? That's really random," Michi responded, but when she glanced at Kanako, she only saw her waiting patiently. "What do I think… She's obnoxious. Annoying. Loud. Way too carefree for her own good." As Michi listed one quality after another, relief began to come to Kanako, but it didn't last long as Michi continued. "...She's nice. And caring… And understanding… She's warm…"
Kanako's eyes were wide. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. Michi, the girl that had sworn hate upon Chiyo and every girl like her, was talking about her like she was… like she was… "In love with her…" Kanako finally thought.
Before the two of them had stopped talking to each other, Kanako had seen Chiyo interact with Michi plenty. Anyone could see that the two of them were gradually getting closer. However, in the time Kanako had been absent from Michi, a big change had occurred. At some point, Michi had accepted Chiyo. Not only had she accepted her, but she had clearly given the gal a special place within her. What had happened? What caused the change? Was there more to it than what Kanako could see?
On top of it all was Kanako's biggest question: was Michi in love with Chiyo? Most likely, the answer was no, but as Kanako considered her own situation, made her comparisons and took in the evidence before her, she wondered. That wondering sent her mind spiraling.
If Michi was in love with Chiyo, that would mean she fell in love with another girl. If Michi fell in love with another girl, that would go against what she had told Kanako in the past. And if Michi was ignoring her own belief now, then what did that mean for Kanako?
At the time, Kanako hadn't realized her feelings for Haruna, but through her fake relationship with her, Kanako had wondered how others felt about seeing two girls dating. She had asked Michi too, to which she had gotten a very strong opinion and a belief that it simply wasn't possible for two girls to date. Since then, Kanako had kept that opinion in her mind, being sure not to bring it up again. After all, the fake relationship between Kanako and Haruna had been partly responsible for the damage to Kanako's friendship with Michi. With how strongly opposed Michi was to Haruna, and her feelings on the matter of girls dating girls, Kanako had been sure that bringing it up again would only cause more harm.
However, now things were different. Kanako was in love with Haruna, a girl. And now, Michi was… something. If Kanako brought that old topic back up to her now, would things change? Would Michi's answer be different? Could she talk to Michi about her feelings again? If she didn't have to keep any more secrets, would that be enough to fully fix their relationship? Kanako knew Michi didn't like Haruna, but if she knew that Kanako loved her, would her opinion of Haruna change?
Question after question after question formed in Kanako's mind. She could hardly handle it. She could barely breathe. One phone call had potentially changed everything for Kanako. Now, the only thing she seemed to know for certain was that she had to ask. The question became though, which one? What was the question to ask that would clear everything up for Kanako?
"Kana-chan, you okay? You look a little pale," Michi said, concerned. "Mi-chan," Kanako said flatly. "What do you think of girls dating other girls?" "...What?" Michi said. Her tone suggested both surprise and annoyance. "Kana-chan, haven't we gone over this before? I told you, it's impossible. Girls can't date other girls." "Right…" Kanako muttered. "B-But what if… what if something happened to change your mind? Like-" "I won't change my mind on this," Michi said sternly. "Trying to make something impossible, possible, is like trying to cover the Sun in water. It's pointless."
Kanako heard Michi's answer, and yet she still wanted to push the issue. Perhaps it was because of her own love that made her want to do it. "But why is it impossible? Any two people can fall in love, can't they? Why can't it be two girls?" "...Kana-chan, you're talking like you have experience or something," Michi said with a small glare, picking up on Kanako's increasingly frantic tone. "What should I say?" she wondered. She was too afraid to tell Michi the truth. It was obvious with just one sentence that Michi was still fully against the idea of girls dating girls. If Kanako told her that she was in love with Haruna, she was sure it would be the final blow to any hopes of repairing their friendship. "I… just know someone who does…" Kanako half-lied. In a way, it was the truth. She at least knew Haruna was in love with her.
"Well, then that person is an idiot," Michi spat. "They're just pretending at love. There's no way something like that would be real, not to mention they'd have no future." Every word she spoke stabbed through Kanako's heart. "Not real…? No future…?" she repeated in her head. "Why? Why would she say that?"
"Anyways, I don't know why you brought all of that up. You started asking about Chiyo, and then all of that stuff. It's like you were suggesting Chiyo and I should date. God, that'd be so gross. Just imagining it feels wrong."
Kanako was speechless. She had no idea how Chiyo felt, but hearing Michi shoot her down without even giving the idea a chance made Kanako feel so… angry. "What the hell Mi-chan?" Kanako said in a low tone. "Huh? Kana-chan, are you mad?" Michi asked. "Of course I'm mad!" she shot back. "You just talked about Chiyo earlier, saying she was caring and warm, and then you turn around and say it would be gross to date her? What the hell is wrong with you?!" "Whoa, what? Kana-chan, what are you even saying? Those two things aren't even related!" Michi shouted back. "How are they not?!" Kanako screamed.
Both girls stared at each other. It was clear they were starting to just talk past one another. "This is exactly what I was afraid of…" Kanako muttered. Sure enough, the two girls had gotten into yet another argument. This time though, Kanako knew it was mostly her fault. "If I had just kept my thoughts to myself, this wouldn't have happened," she scolded herself.
Hearing Michi rejected Chiyo like that had certainly riled up Kanako to an extent, but she also knew that part of it was simply her own feelings being unfairly poured into the issue. She was a girl in love with another girl. Of course hearing Michi dismiss and belittle the idea entirely would offend her. "Even so, I should've been more careful with my words," she thought. She had known how Michi felt about the issue. Just because she was closer with Chiyo now didn't mean her feelings had magically changed. "I'm so stupid…"
"...So now what?" Michi asked suddenly but quietly. "We started fighting again. Should we just give up?" "Give up?" Kanako repeated. "Yeah... maybe we just can't salvage this friendship after all," Michi said. "No way," Kanako answered immediately. "We can do this. It's not like friends have to agree on everything. And… you mean a lot to me Mi-chan. You helped me a lot in junior high and our first year of high school. We've spent so much time together and have made so many memories. I don't want to just throw all of that away just because we couldn't work past a couple of problems."
"...Alright…" Michi agreed. "You're right... We should keep trying. But Kana-chan," she paused, making sure she had Kanako's attention. "My feelings about girls dating girls… my feelings about Endo-san… Those aren't going to change." "I know you're opposed to change Mi-chan, but you've already changed more than you realize," Kanako said back. At that, Michi wasn't sure how to respond. "...If you say so," was all she managed to come up with.
After that, the two girls tried talking for a bit more, but found their conversation constantly sputtering. With no good ideas of what they could do together to pass the time, they decided to call it a day. Kanako said her goodbyes to Michi and was slightly reassured knowing that she had at least come out of that time knowing it wouldn't be her last goodbye. Then she proceeded to get a ride home.
*****
"Haaaah…" Haruna sighed, letting out her fourth loud and long sigh since she had arrived at the restaurant. "Haru-chi, ya know we wanted to take ya out for your birthday partly to cheer you up, right?" Jasmine asked. "Yeah…" Haruna said. "Then why do ya look so damn gloomy?" Jasmine asked. "Well, before I came here, I saw Kanako… and then ran away…" "Geez, I never knew you were this much of a coward Haru-chi," Jasmine commented. "I didn't either…" Haruna said glumly. "Any more running away and we'll have to start calling you Haru-ran," Jasmine joked. "Jasmine-chan, do you have to take so many shots at me when I'm already down?" Haruna asked, beginning to get annoyed. "Sorry. It's just so easy Haru-ran," Jasmine said. "I'm gonna hut you," Haruna said, although her threat hardly had any bite to it.
"Sorry I'm late!" Chiyo announced as she walked in through the doors about 10 minutes later. "What took you so long?" Jasmine asked. "Had to make a phone call," Chiyo said happily. "Right…" Jasmine muttered. "Anyways, do something about this sad blob." "Blob?" Chiyo repeated, then looked at Haruna, who was beginning to look like she was melting into the bar they were sitting at. "C'mon girl, perk up! We took you to Mushi Sushi and we're buying! You should be happy!" "I am happy," Haruna mumbled. "Then tell that to the rest of your body," Jasmine said.
Haruna decided to at least make an effort to sit up straight. "Are you really that bummed about running away from Kana-chan?" Jasmine asked. "What did Haru-chi do?" Chiyo asked. "Ran away again," Jasmine said plainly. "Again Haru-chi?" Chiyo said with some disappointment. "Stop looking at me like that! It's not like I want to! My legs just carry me away! Which also sucks, because then my ankle hurts!" Haruna whined.
"Also, if this really bothers you two so much, it's not like I could stop you from making me listen to Kanako," Haruna said. "You could lock me in a room or something and have Kanako stand on the other side and talk. If someone was in there with me to stop me from covering my ears, then I'd have to listen." "...Do you, like, want us to do that?" Chiyo asked, a little surprised and concerned that Haruna came up with such a plan. "...Not really, no," Haruna admitted. "I locked a guy in a room once. I was in there with him too though," Jasmine commented. For a moment, the other two just stared at her. "Well, ignoring Jas-chin's scandalous past," Chiyo said, breezing past the potentially bizarre story. "What, you don't want to hear the story?" Jasmine asked, trying to tempt Chiyo. "We're supposed to be here for Haru-chi, not your boy-toy stories!" Chiyo said in a loud whisper. "Says the girl who tells us her sex stories at lunch," Jasmine retorted. "Guys, I really don't want to be in the middle of this conversation," Haruna said, who had Chiyo and Jasmine on either side of her.
"Whatever!" Chiyo declared. "We're here for Haru-chi's b-day, so that's what we're gonna focus on!" On that note, Chiyo placed a mass order of sushi. "Are you sure we'll be able to eat all of that?" Haruna asked. "Of course we will! We're growing high school girls! It'll be fine!" Chiyo said.
As it turned out, it was not fine. By the time they were about to leave, all three girls nearly felt sick. "Chiyo, 25 rolls per person was way too much," Jasmine said. "I never want to eat sushi again..." Haruna groaned. "Okay, I'll admit that was a horrible idea," Chiyo said, looking a little green herself. "But hey, at least you feel bad about something else instead now." "Doesn't that just mean I feel worse in total than when I started today?" Haruna asked. "It's all about perspective! Hurk…" Chiyo tried to be her usual peppy self, but it nearly backfired on her. "Too much moving is also a bad idea…"
Overall, aside from the sick feeling in her stomach, Haruna did actually feel a little better. She had been fairly down since she told Kanako to stay away from her (something Chiyo and Jasmine had picked up on pretty quickly the next day). Her encounter with Kanako earlier had also factored into her down mood, but now it felt like all she could think about was how much she kinda hated Chiyo for saying each person could eat 25 rolls of sushi. "She really does come up with the weirdest ways to get people to feel better," Haruna thought.
"So is there anything else ya wanna do while we're out?" Chiyo asked Haruna. "Lay down and never get up again," Haruna joked. "Same," Jasmine agreed. "C'mon you two! Haru-chi, is there really nothin' else?" Chiyo asked. "Hmm. Sorry, I can't think of anything other than how much my stomach currently hates me," Haruna said. "Well, alright. I guess it's kinda my fault for how this turned out, so we'll just call it a day. Maybe we can pick this up next weekend and call it Haru-chi's Birthday Celebration Part 2!" Chiyo said. "Really hope that'll be a rare case of the sequel being better than the original," Jasmine commented.
So with that, Haruna's brief birthday celebration came to an end. Her 17th had certainly become one to remember, but whether that was a good or bad thing, the girl herself wasn't sure.
End of Chapter Five.
Status Power Mingguan
-- Peringkat
Power 
-- Power
stone