Bab 1: I don't want to die...

for now, my last cut was like "After a skin there was a white and after i cutted i saw an orange thing on my skin....I know the thing that i should do if i wanted to die....But I didn't do it..Cuz i don't want anyone to tell themselve's that it is their fault that i died, I want to try if maybe tomorrow someone would notice my depression ...Hug me and say "It's Okay I'm Here For You", I wanted to see myself being what i wanted to be, I wanted to make my life worth it that i should not die, I wanted to know who would be my husband is...How may children we'll have, I wanted to see the "Tomorrow", I don't want to die.....But it just happened.....Sometimes i cry every night, sometimes not....I try drinking different pills like 7 times a day...And after 3 or 4 days....I stopped cuz nothing happens....I know that the pills that i should use is "Sleeping pill"....I know that i should cut not just on my wrist but on my whole hand...I know that i can use noose...Tie it on a high place, Tie my neck and jump...Sometimes i'm thinking that i should die because the way that i act on my parent's are sometimes so bad....I say bad words to them but i hope they know that i was saying sorry to them on my mind...I'm saying sorry to god....I think i should die, I really should.....But I wanted to read the letter that i wrote for my future self.....I wanted to die cuz i don't want to see my parents die.....Cuz if i'm going to see them slowly dying....It's like i'm also dying.....I always pray to god.....(It's been atleast 5 or 6 years) That i've been praying to god to Let them Live Longer....I wish that They don't die...I wish that there could be a pill that will make you live 5 years longer or something....I wish that they live millions or thousands years.....I wish it....Everything has an exchange for something...That's why i wish my family to live....In exchange of my life.....