Bab 20: None But You (2)
"Of course." For a moment there at the end, the kiss had managed to make Harris forget that there were people watching- that Joshua's mother was watching- but now he remembered. He could feel a flush creeping up his neck, but he ignored it- and all the eyes that were on him. He opted instead to tug Joshua out into the hall where they could talk privately. "What is it?" he asked when they were alone, lifting Joshua's chin with one finger so Joshua would meet his eyes.
"It's nothing," Joshua whispered with an unconvincing laugh. "It's stupid, Harris, forget about it. I'm really fine."
Harris shook his head immediately. "I'm sure it isn't stupid. And I don't think you are fine." He found Joshua's hand and lifted it, kissing the knuckles. That gesture almost never failed to ground Joshua again. "Please talk to me."
Joshua whined softly, pressing close and nuzzling Harris. "I was jealous," he admitted.
That was the last thing Harris had expected Joshua to say, and he almost laughed out loud and told Joshua that that was stupid, but he knew better. Joshua's eyes were sad and his kiss had been desperate and possessive. It didn't matter what Harris thought of the idea- Joshua had been scared and Harris couldn't make light of the reasons for it. He released Joshua's hand carefully. "Why?" he asked at last, keeping any judgement out of his voice.
Joshua shrugged and didn't answer, but Harris didn't really need him to.
"That young man was flirting with me, wasn't he?" Harris said. He hadn't been sure. After so long with so little contact, he wasn't very good at picking up certain social cues. And flirting, that spark of interest between two people… noticing it had once been part of his job, but when it came to himself Harris… well, Harris was bad enough at identifying it when 'Joshua' flirted with him, let alone someone he wasn't attracted to and would never for a second have expected to be attracted to him.
Joshua snorted unhappily. "Have you looked in the mirror lately? He ain't that much younger than you."
Harris blinked. He wasn't, though. Whatever the magic of being made human- or mostly human- had done to Harris's physical body, he was still older than most of the people in that room put together. And Joshua- Joshua couldn't think that he would ever- "I wasn't encouraging him," Harris said.
Joshua's face contorted and then went soft. "I know," he whispered. "Sorry, Harris," he added, hugging Harris hard. "I know you weren't. And it ain't for me to go after you about it, even if you had been."
Harris ran his fingers through Joshua's hair lightly, holding on to him. He hadn't heard this tone of voice from Joshua very often, but he had heard it enough to think of it as his I-just-sounded-like-my-stepfather voice. Harris doubted that Joshua really had- and frankly he much preferred to be told if he had done something that bothered Joshua than not. He knew, though, that it was best not to push things when Joshua got like this, best to allow Joshua to sort it out in his own mind.
"Anyway," Joshua said, face buried in Harris's neck. "This ain't about him back there, not really."
And Harris could tell that much. He knew this hadn't just come on Joshua suddenly- or rather, it probably had, but he would never have reacted like he did unless a part of him had already been worried about this. About Harris. What Harris didn't understand was why. Harris let his arms fall to Joshua's back, hugging him close. "Then what is it about?" he asked.
Joshua let out a long breath. "Remember I told you how I knew you wasn't like everyone else because nobody ever seemed to notice you?"
Harris nodded slowly.
"Well, now they 'do,' don't they?"
Harris waited for that to make sense. "I don't understand," he admitted at last. He backed off a little, just enough so he could keep Joshua in his arms but also look at his expression.
Joshua's face got pinched, and traces of the 'stepfather' tone were still tugging at the edges of his voice as he said, "I want you to have friends, Harris. You deserve to meet new people and try new things and have a conversation with a stranger at my mum's party if you want to. Fuck, that's the least you deserve." Joshua hung his head. "I just… I could see you when no one else could, right? But now everybody can and… and it's not that guy so much as the fact that I can't help wondering if one day you'll turn around and realize that you're just with me out of… well, a lack of options."
"Don't be silly," came out of Harris's mouth before he had a chance to censor himself and choose his words with more care.
Luckily, it broke through some of the tension in the room. Joshua still looked unhappy, but he let out a sharp laugh and it seemed genuine. He had once claimed to like it when he startled Harris into saying something not strictly gentlemanly- or 'not so perfect,' as Joshua had put it. 'Makes me feel less like I'm gonna wake up any second and find out all this was a dream.' But that, of course, was why Harris always took such care with him. Because it was the least Joshua deserved.
"Forgive me," he said quickly. "Whatever you feel, it isn't-"
"I know," Joshua said, just as quickly. He backed off from Harris a bit more, enough to get up on his tiptoes and push a little kiss into Harris's lips. "It's fine, Harris, I know."
Joshua really did seem lighter in himself for the slip, like he had remembered that this was Harris he was dealing with. Harris who was bad at feelings, especially his own. Harris touched Joshua's face gently, hesitating. "Are you really worried about that?" he asked at last. "Only you didn't seem to doubt me. Before."
"I don't doubt you now, Harris," Joshua said. "Not really, it's just- it's just that you're so so wonderful. Back before we got together, there was all the proof in the world that you loved me back, but when you said you didn't feel that way about me I bought it because there was always this little part of me that wondered what the fuck you saw in me. I know you don't wanna hear this, but it might never be completely gone." He gave a sad little half shrug and hugged Harris again. "And I know that you are what you are and how we met is how we met. I can't change it and most of the time I wouldn't want to, but… but I got this idea in my head and now I can't get it out."
Harris hugged him back, burying his face in Joshua's hair. "I suppose I can't blame you. I still think it's nonsensical, of course, but I do understand. I wish… oh, I wish you could see all that I've seen. If you had, you'd know."
Joshua rubbed his cheek against Harris's shirtfront. "What would I know?"
"That sometimes people can be so well suited, but if they don't meet at just the right time or in just the right place, nothing will come of it. But other times… none of that matters. I may not have known that there was such a thing as two souls destined to be together, but I have 'seen' it. I know that that's us- and not just because I get to be here with you, but also 'because' I am what I am, and how we met is how we met."
Joshua let out a muffled laugh.
"I mean it," Harris said. "We had so many opportunities for things to go terribly wrong- but somehow we made it through. And if I had been born in your time… I don't know how I would have met you, but I would have loved you. And it might have gone even better than it did for us, because if I had thought for even a moment that it was possible for me to have you, nothing would have stood in my way. And if you had been born in my time… Joshua, I don't remember much about when I had a real life, but I remember that it wasn't an especially good one. I remember that I spent a lot of time being successful and not looking around me. But I would have seen 'you.' I would have looked at you. And I would have loved you. You made me want to be more than I am or have ever been. 'You' made me see that I was isolated and want to change that- but no matter what else I do with my life, I'll want to be coming home to you."
Harris lifted Joshua's chin. Looking at the slow smile spreading across his face, Harris started to think it wouldn't be too early to ask Joshua to move in with him after all. Not today, perhaps- it had already been emotionally charged enough- but soon.
"I want that because it's why I'm here, yes- but also because you're the one," Harris finished gravely. "And you always will be. All right?"
"Yeah," Joshua said, eyes glistening a little. He buried his face in Harris's chest one more time. "Yeah, all right."
"Good." Harris kissed the top of his head. He suspected that in this, as in everything else with Joshua, only time and patience would overtake his doubts. Harris didn't mind about that; as he had told Michelle, it was time he was more than happy to take.
Harris let himself just hold Joshua for another moment. His face was still half buried in Joshua's hair when he heard footsteps. Harris didn't really want to talk to anyone from the party right then- especially Mike, of all people- but he quickly realized that the footfalls were too soft and that they were coming from the wrong direction.
He looked up- and then down again. "Hello, Miss Eliza," he said.
She stood in the hallway, holding a teddy bear by the foot, and she lit up when she looked at Harris. "You're here! I didn't know that!"
"Probably your mother and brother didn't tell you so you wouldn't get overexcited," Harris pointed out.
This logic did not appear to pass muster, because Eliza promptly started to pout.
Joshua drew back from Harris, passing the heels of his palms over his eyes quickly. He approached Eliza, crouching in front of her. "Can't sleep, flower?"
"I want another story," she said.
"Okay." Joshua smiled and took her hand, probably glad for the excuse not to go back into the living room just yet. The people out there had to have been at least a little bit scandalized by the kiss; Harris wasn't looking forward to facing them again himself.
"What about Harris?" Eliza asked, turning back toward him.
Harris crossed to them and took her other hand. "Why don't we read you that story together?"
He didn't need to be able to see Joshua's aura any longer to see the effect it still had on him whenever Harris did something like that. He brightened considerably, but then he bit his lip. "Are you sure at least one of us shouldn't get back in there?"
Harris considered teasing Joshua about throwing him to the wolves but refrained for Eliza's benefit. Joshua certainly had a point; returning would only get more awkward the longer they took. But… "Your mother will understand, won't she?"
Joshua looked from Harris to Eliza and then back again. "Yeah," he said, face softening even further.
"Then that's all that matters," Harris told him. He would worry about making friends another time. He had everything he really cared about right here.
Status Power Mingguan
-- Peringkat
Power 
-- Power
stone