Bab 62: Go Innaya, leave me...
|Innaya|
When I was around eleven years old, I had accidentally broken a vase. That porcelain vase held very important meaning to my grandma. Grandpa had gifted that vase to grandma on their fiftieth wedding anniversary. It was a custom made one. I don't recall many details about it. I remember locking myself in my room after that, and I had refused to open the door for anyone.
I hadn't done that because I was afraid of grandpa. No, both grandparents of mine wouldn't even scold me for that matter. I had acted that way because I felt guilty. I was way too ashamed of myself, and I didn't know how to face them.
Was that how Eshan felt?
Back then, it wasn't until grandma had opened the door with the master key that I had come out from my room. She taught me how to face my mistakes and admit them. She taught me that hiding away was never the option.
I had my grandmother who showed me the right path, but who was there for Eshan?
Looking at Eshan's condition, I wondered, what had he done to himself? Since when had he locked himself here?
Fear starting gripping my mind with all the negative thoughts after watching him in such a state. Shaking him, by holding his shoulders, I tried coaxing him to respond. Eshan blinked back several times as if trying to believe his eyes. I saw realization searing in his eyes, showing his disbelief. I then noticed surprise registering in those brown orbs.
I could finally breathe properly. He showed some reaction.
"Innaya?" Eshan whispered disbelievingly. However, it sounded more like a question as if he was wondering to himself.
Next, I knew, were his hands that came around me, pulling me in a hug so tight as if his life depended on it. The force and emotions in the way he embraced me, forced tears in my eyes. His arms continued pulling me closer, even though there wasn't any space left. I felt as if he feared I would vanish if he let go.
His actions proved his anxiety. What was wrong with him? Tears started falling from my eyes. Maybe, it was his pain rather than mine.
Slowly, I raised my limp hands, and wrapping them around Eshan's back, I held him. The moment Eshan had hugged me, all those familiar feelings his closeness brings had rushed to my heart. It was as if someone had placed the world's softest and warmest blanket over my cold body.
I'd missed this.
I'd missed his warmth.
I'd missed his voice.
I'd missed his comforting hugs.
I'd missed Him.
I'd missed the feeling of safe heaven only he could provide.
I'd missed my home.
I' missed my bliss.
Until this moment, I had not acknowledged to myself how much I missed him. I thought it was because of the guilt of my rash behavior that day. Whatever I had been feeling all along was because of hurt I had caused him, at least that was what I believed.
However, at this moment, all of that seemed worthless to me, all the logic, reasoning, assumptions, and explanations, nothing mattered. The truth was straight and simple, there in my face- I had missed him as his wife. Not as a guilty person.
"I'm Sorry! I'm so sorry Innaya," I heard his low mumbling against my hair. He was continuously apologizing, and for what, I had no idea. There had been very little to do with him, rather it was my fault all along. Had I been a little patient, nothing would have happened.
This hurt, pain we both went through could have been avoided, only if…
We just held each other close to ourselves after a long, torturous wait of sixty days. All pent-up emotions were now bared, and I could not help but weep in relief.
Up until today, I didn't know whom to turn to for help. I wanted to see Eshan, explain to him my reasons, and then maybe, I would have asked for forgiveness.
There had been times in the last two months, where I had blamed him. I had thought he understood me, but then he left abruptly from my life. I thought he had enough of me; he was fed up with having such a wife. Wasn't he the one to rush our marriage? Had he not married me, nothing would have happened.
I blamed him for my agonized self, I did, but now considering the state of man in my arms, I reflected upon myself. His broken apology pierced my heart. What was he apologizing for? I should be the one asking for forgiveness.
We sat there hugging each other, relishing the closeness. I started feeling relaxed in his arms. Some matters needed a thorough discussion. We had so much piled up in-between us, unless we talked things through, the invisible knot in our relationship wouldn't resolve. It would only hurt us.
Suddenly Eshan untangled himself and backed away little. His withdrawal shocked me to the whole another different level.
What was wrong?
Was he still angry? Here I was planning on sorting out things, but judging from Eshan's reaction, things didn't look that simple.
With his head downcast, shoulders slumped in defeat, he scrambled away from me. He was not the man I had come to know. The tear that rolled down from his eyes, brought another wave of pain. The guilt poking at my consciousness was so damn heavy to handle.
I opened my mouth to apologize, but his next sentence bruised my already wounded heart.
"Go Innaya. Leave Me."
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PERTIMBANGAN PENCIPTA 
Mukta
Mukta What the hell just happened?
Do let me know in comment section.
One more chapter coming tonight. (Sorry, I accidentally fell asleep yesterday, so I couldn't update.)
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