Bab 365: Chapter 365: I Don't Trust Myself (part two)
"Okay. Let's get down to business. You are curious why I seem so distant to my parents, aren't you?" What had been going on with him and Jessica was a long story, which was too complicated to be finished within just a few sentences. Edward didn't plan to cut the long story short, so he took Daisy into the car and sat down before they talked. He had decided a long time ago he wouldn't tell anyone about the pain and sorrow during his childhood, because it hurt him to repeat it over and over again; but if Daisy wanted to know, he wouldn't keep it a secret from her. He wanted her to know everything about him - his good, bad or even desperate self. The other reason he decided to reopen his wound was because what he had been through when he was little played an important part in his life.
"Yes, I am." Wrapping her arms around his neck, Daisy nodded firmly. However, all of a sudden, she noticed that Edward's face changed; he looked sad. Daisy got frightened and nervous. Her instincts told her that she should stop right there, but deep down, another voice was whispering, pushing her to go after the answer she wanted the whole time. Gazing at his face, Daisy wondered whether she was too heartless to him; she forced him to reopen his wound and watched him bleed just because she wanted some answers.
"Everyone thinks I'm successful and I have everything I want within my reach. But the truth is, my parents weren't really a mother and father to me. I'm the child that they have never liked. I have always been like an invisible member in my family for all these years." Edward forced a weak smile as he started to speak. After the bitter opening, he pursed his thin lips and remained silent for a short while, trying to hold back his emotions; then he continued, "I had to live abroad, alone, by myself, when other kids could still hug their parents and ask for what they wanted, candies, new bikes, love and attention. And I had to learn how to run the business and even take over the company when other kids were still learning their trades in the classroom."
Edward's voice was trembling as he let out a muffled sob. Edward's voice was trembling as he let out a muffled sob. For all those years, he had tried so hard to win his parents' approval and praise. He wouldn't mind how tired he got or how much he had suffered, as long as they could look at him and tell him 'son, we're so proud of you.' But he received nothing from them no matter what he did, no matter how excellent his performance was. Jonathan had never given him a single look of approval, let alone something like a loving hug.
You know what? I was an accident, a child who wasn't meant to be born. I wasn't born with my parents' earnest expectation. When I was little, I was so jealous of other kids, because they could go out with their mom and dad by their sides. But I had no one. How I wished I could be like them, with someone to hold my hands and hug me and kiss me. I waited day after day, and there was nothing. I finally realized that what I was dreaming would never happen, because I was in no position to wish for anything, because there was no my place in that family. Even the reason I was born was only because my mother begged my father to give her a child.
To be honest, I rather wish I hadn't been born in the first place." Edward smiled bitterly. It had been so many years; all those things that he thought he had already forgotten were flashing through his mind frame by frame. No matter how hard he tried, he hadn't forgotten a thing. On the contrary, they grew more clear and painful in the hidden corner of his heart as time passed. They stayed with him.
"I'm so sorry, honey. I shouldn't have forced you to tell me this. Please just stop. You don't have to tell me; I won't bring it up anymore." Daisy held Edward tight in her arms. Edward's words bruised her heart, it felt like someone was tearing her apart, but the pain was nothing as compared to what Edward had suffered. Though Cynthia had told her something earlier, Daisy hadn't expected that Edward's childhood would be more miserable than hers. At least she was the princess to her parents until she turned six, they loved her and gave her everything she wanted. But Edward had never experienced the love and warmth from his parents, not even for one day. Although he grew up in a rich family, that wasn't enough for a little child who craved something else - his parents' love.
"I'm fine. You don't trust me, do you? Because you didn't know much about me. So I'll tell you everything about me, and you'll know me better. Maybe you'll trust me more in the future. Come on, it's not something happens every day! To be honest, I finally gathered up all my courage and want to tell you everything about me. No one has ever heard this from me before. It's now or never. If you want me to stop, probably I won't be brave enough to bring it up ever again for the rest of my life.
Edward gently kissed her on the forehead. He was too exhausted after carrying the burden alone for all these years. Sometimes he also wanted someone he loved to share his story. He didn't want pity or sympathy from others ; he just needed someone to listen. Now that Daisy wanted to know, he decided to hold nothing back. He wanted her to see the real Edward, Edward also hoped Daisy to know more about him. Maybe when she know about his pat, she wouldn't judge him ; maybe she would understand that he hide himself a mask only because deep down he felt insecure.
Yes, I trust you. I just don't trust myself. Daisy was frightened. She didn't mean to hurt Edward in the first place. But look at what she have done! Although Edward said those words in a cheerful tone, Daisy knew he was bleeding inside. And it hurts her ten times to see him in agony.
Don't you want to know my past? Don't you want to know why I became a playboy? Yes, you do. Deep down, you still want the answer. We're the same type of people. No matter how much we want to know what the other think about us, we run away simply because we're too scared to hear something we couldn't accept. In the end, nothing solved, and everything just repeats itself again and again. We still doubt and quarrel and eventually get hurt, because neither of us really knows what happened. So, Are you sure you don't want to listen anymore?
Edward knew Daisy stopped him because she didn't want to see him stir things up by showing her his bleeding wounds. But he owed her an explanation, something he should have given her long time ago. Edward knew what happened today would probably happen in the future, so he'd better tell her everything now once and for all. Edward almost broke down and lost his mind when they had a fight before. It was too painful, and he didn't want to go through it again, ever.
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