His pov
We were in an apartment, somewhere in Incheon.
It had been five days since we had come here.
You were peacefully sleeping and I couldn't stop looking your way.
You were so tired after working day and night...for me. For us.
"Leave everything to me. You can't expose yourself so let me take care of things. I am fluent in French. So I can teach students. As well I can easily find a job. Like I can take care of an old lady or something. I am good at that kind of things after all."
I pulled a chair close to the bed and straddled it, watching you deep in thoughts as I chewed on my bottom lip.
How could you sleep this way every time? So peacefully and without any worries.
I just killed someone. As well my own family. Did you forget that?
Now, look at you, with your guard down like that in front of someone unstable...like me.
How did you know that I wouldn't be able to hurt you?
Why are you this way with me?
My vision blurred as I was searching your cute face.
You are so strong. I wish I could be like you. But I can't. My mind doesn't let me progress. I will always drag you down. I will always be this way... with time maybe even get worse.
I can't get rid of those images.
I can't get rid of the hell I have gone through in that house.
I can't stop feeling their hands on me.
I can't stop hearing their voices.
I can't surpass this hate I feel.
I can't move on.
Do you know that?
I am sure you do.
I wish I would have met you a long time ago.
I wish my life would have been another.
Maybe this way.... Maybe you and I...
I closed my eyes and smiled.
What was the point of thinking about 'what if'. This was the only reality I was given. There wasn't another one.
But this was a reality... that I couldn't accept.
No matter what I would do. No matter what you would do, it would be for nothing. I wouldn't change.
Do you know that? I think that you do. But you are still hoping.
And I feel sad because soon enough, I will disappoint you.
Because this is who I am... now.
I had no idea how long I stayed that way. It seemed that every time I was with you, I somehow was losing track of time. I became soft. You make me become someone I didn't know I could be. And it wasn't something I wished for.
The moon made its appearance on the sky a long time ago, the room being lit only by the street lights through the window.
Your eyes were open now as they looked at me in the same way they did every time. And you smiled. Again. And that was it.
This was all you were doing every time I was looking at you. And it was confusing. But it did things to me.
I couldn't read your mind.
I was aware of your feelings for me, but I couldn't understand your love.
Because you told me that you loved me. But not once you tried to approach me as they did.
So I couldn't understand.
Everyone wanted something from me.
Everyone wanted to make me theirs.
But you... you were just looking at me with those warm eyes of yours full of adoration. And you were so happy every time my hand touched your head or your cheek, every time I held your hand. How could you be happy because of such meaningless things?
I was grateful somehow.
No matter how much I wanted to repay your kindness, if you would have asked me to touch you more, I wouldn't be able to do it.
I took your hand and interlocked our fingers. Your smile widened. Your eyes were shining with happiness. See? Only because of such a little thing.
You were so simple.
But again...I was grateful. I could make you smile a little.
"You can't sleep?" you asked as you caressed my cheek with your other hand, your expression suddenly serious, your gaze scanning every inch of my face.
I can't do this anymore. I wanted to say to you so bad those words. But I couldn't. You were smiling so beautifully. I couldn't ruin everything.
I had just to hide my pain a little more, as well as my nightmares. For you.
I watched you in silence all this time. Every time they were conscious, I was there somewhere in the darkness of my own mind. I somehow heard their thoughts and felt what they were feeling. But this happened only since you came into my life. In their life.Their feelings were so powerful that it woke me up. Both of them were scared. Deep inside, both of them wanted you to stop. Did you know that?
Why? Did you know why they felt that way? Because your presence hurts.
Because every time you are near, it hurts.
Because once again I was aware that I wasn't normal. Every time I was looking at you.
Every time you were looking at me.
Because your presence was forcing me to become better.
Because your actions, your care, your love, was forcing me to give something back to you. Something you deserved.
And you deserved everything.
But I couldn't. My mind wasn't letting me to.
Apart from my sick mind. Apart from the pain, I felt with every single breath. Apart from my miserable life, now it was you.
Do you know why your presence hurts?
Do you know why I hated you so much, so much that I forced myself to wake up?
Do you know why I wanted to kill you?
Because of the way you make me feel.
Because it's frustrating.
Because I can't touch you
Our fingers were still linked together the moment you started to gently pull me toward you, onto the bed.
"Come. Let's sleep" You said with a charming smile and an angelic voice.
"If you will have nightmares again, I will wake you up, I promise. I will be here watching over you." You secured me, this way luring me into your arms.
Your fingers were buried in my hair tugging on it gently as you searched my face, worriedly. Then your fingers came down to caress my cheek, your eyes filled with heavy, dark desire as they stopped in my eyes.
I bit my lip painfully at the way you were looking at me. I felt how my heart started to beat faster and I even forgot how to breathe normally.
My eyes traveled down onto your lips and I swallowed hard to get rid of the knot which just formed there inside my throat.
You let a heavy breath out, and when I searched your eyes again, they were tightly closed. I could hear how your breathing became heavier and I could feel your body trembling against mine. And I knew why. You wanted me to touch you.
"Good night," you whispered as you buried your face in my chest.
I am sorry.
Didn't I warn you that I am broken?
I am so sorry.
If I would have been normal... I would have given you my all.
I would have loved you insanely.
— Bab baru akan segera rilis — Tulis ulasan
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MENGERTI
Bab 43: Running Away Together
Your pov
I grabbed my bag and placed it on the bed.
When it was coming to him, I was always prepared for anything. Why? Because no matter what, I wanted to protect him. And I was ready to do everything it took for that.
I pulled out from my bag a black mask and a black cap for him. Then a black cap for me.
I was ready to take him out of there, and I didn't give a shit about cameras or what my parents would say or do. I will be with a step ahead of them anyways.
"Y/N..."
I looked toward Jungkook as he was looking restlessly my way.
"What are you doing? You do know that we can't possibly get out of here, right? There are doctors, nurses and not to mention guards at the entrance.
You will get in trouble. "
"I just have to walk ahead of you and make sure no one is around, then you will follow when I will make a sign that the path is clear. And about the guards, I will think of something to distract them. It can't be that hard." I said as I covered his mouth with the black mask.
"Why are you doing this? I never did anything for you. Actually, I was mean all the time. I even hurt you and almost killed you."
"Didn't I already tell why am I doing all this? But you are too stubborn to understand. Or you can't understand, or maybe you don't want to understand." I whispered as I placed the cap on his head.
Jungkook let out a deep sigh as his eyes stopped in mine, his hand grabbing my shoulder.
"And where will you take me, huh Y/N? "
"Far away from everything and everyone. Somewhere where you could feel safe. Somewhere where it will be only the two of us. Where I could fix you."
Jungkook laughed at that.
"Fix me? I am not a toy which can be easily fixed Y/N."
"I am not going anywhere."
"No? So you will give up on everything and become a fugitive. And all this just for me? " Jungkook rolled his eyes. "Please Y/N. You can't possibly be this stupid. I am not worth the trouble. Besides, you will gain nothing. It has no sense, what the heck you are trying to do. Look at me. I have nothing to give you. No matter what you do, no matter what you say, I will never be able to return your feelings. Don't waste your time on someone who is broken."
"Shut up. I don't expect anything from you.
And it's my life and this is the path I choose. If I will not do what I feel, I will regret it for the rest of my life. I will not leave you all alone. So you have no choice but to endure my annoying presence. It's your fault for barging like this into my life."
"Actually it is the other way around," Jungkook whispered, his fingers on the mask as he was adjusting it on his face.
___&___
And he was right. Jungkook never asked for anyone to save him. He was alright the way he was before meeting you. He had no idea of his existence. He was alive, just breathing, but without being conscious of what was happening to him. And it was perfect that way. It was everything he ever wanted. To not feel anything. To not think. To not have anything to do with people.
Just to sleep and never wake up in a world where he couldn't fit, inside a sick mind which will never allow him to live peacefully.
But you destroyed everything.
You and your presence destroyed his peaceful world. Now those unbearable feelings were once again within him, those feelings he will have for the rest of his life.
He tried to make you understand that he was a lost case, but you were still there holding his hand in yours and stubbornly never letting him go.
Jungkook threw a glance at your way as you were already checking out the corridor to see if anyone was there. He could hear in his head one of them begging him to make you stop. He was worried about you and he needed to know you'll be safe. And before understanding what he was doing, Jungkook grabbed your arm and pulled you into his arms before closing the door behind you.
You froze there in his arms, and Jungkook did the same thing. He couldn't understand what was happening to him. Those two sides of him were giving him headaches. They were so in love with you, so much, that for Jungkook it became a real pain.
Your heart was racing as you closed your eyes, wrapping your arms around his waist.
"What is it? Talk to me."
"They just make my life more miserable than what it already is."
You smiled at that.
"Can you hear them?
Which one is it? My stubborn playboy. Or my sweet bad boy?"
Jungkook's eyes searched yours, bored. But you smiled widely, annoying the hell out of him.
"What the heck did you do to them? How did you manage to twist their minds in such a way and fast? "
"I did that? " You smiled sweetly his way. "Maybe I will show it to you. But after we get out of here."
You quickly pecked his cheek before turning around and opening the door again.
Jungkook felt his cheeks burning. He blinked once before pressing his palms against his heated skin. Then looking your way his eyes widened when he couldn't see you anymore.
Then his heart started to race in fear.
_
"You looked so scared. Just like a lost little puppy." You made fun of him as soon as you two got out of the taxi.
"Shut up!"
"You felt scared thinking that I left you there? " You giggled while taking his hand in yours before heading towards the train station.
Everything was more simple than you thought it would be. All you had to do was cry a little and tell the guards that you were robbed by someone who just ran out of the hospital and they already started to search for that invisible person.
Now you just bought two tickets and you two were waiting for the train to come and leave Seoul for good.
Jungkook didn't say anything, he was just looking at you when you weren't watching him. He felt like a pain in the ass, useless, an extra baggage.
"And you are planning to take me in your care for the rest of your life?" Jungkook asked, skeptical.
"Yep." Was all you said, while seated on a bench, swinging your feet, deep in thoughts. A slight pout could be seen on your features. This fact taking Jungkook off guard, his gaze now lingering too much on your lips.
You felt his gaze on your face and this fact created a delicious sensation in the pit of your stomach. This was all you wanted. To be watched by him. Him to be aware of your existence.
You waited for him to look away. But it never happened, so your turned your head toward him and locked your gaze with his. The second your gaze caught his, his eyes were so intense that it took your breath away.
He was still wearing the mask and the black cap, his bangs almost covering his dark eyes entirely.
His presence made you feel all warm inside. Only by being there with you, it made you happy. It was all you needed. I was all you wanted. You were grateful for his existence in your life. Because for the first time you felt more alive than ever.
And every time he looked your way, time magically stopped.
Jungkook smiled a little. But you couldn't see it.
He felt your feelings. The only thing he had to do was to search your eyes.
There wasn't lust like he could see every time in their eyes. He couldn't see that selfishness and that terrifying desire he had seen in everyone around him.
Until now you never made the first step in approaching him. Because of that, with you... he felt free. And not suffocated. Like it happened every time, as far as he remembered.
Then taking you by surprise, Jungkook leaned toward you, hands rested on the bench at each side of your body, trapping you.
And he kissed your cheek through his mask. A short kiss before pulling himself back but not too far. Your faces were still close to each other, heart racing, as you stared into his eyes, into his soul.
"Thank you," he whispered, his fingers caressing your cheek gently.
"Thank you for caring about someone like me, even if right now you are making my life a hell."