Bab 8: phone call
Daniel didn't know what to do. He felt flustered; he was never one to know how to handle a girl's tears. He didn't know what was the right thing to say or do but despite his unease, he thought she must be in need of someone to talk to and he was willing to be that person.
"Take your time. I'll be here. Do whatever makes you comfortable" , Daniel said, as calmly as he could. To which Anya replied with a silence.
He didn't mind and just waited with the phone next to his ear.
On her end, this wasn't easy. To go through these flash backs was always traumatic.
She relived every moment as if it was happening again.
She had no idea of why she picked up. Probably it was her hopeless need for someone... anyone to bring her back to reality. However, this was a mistake. Talking to strangers never failed to cause her anxiety, even when she was her normal self, let alone when she was already trying to get over a trauma.
Especially on the phone.
But now, she was feeling worse as the seconds pass.
Over thinking- always over thinking. The thinking never stops.
She just wanted her brain to stop. Please stop ! She was shaking. It wasn't cold but she started trembling from every inch of her body.
Without noticing, she hit the speaker on the call as the phone fell from her hand, on the bed.
She was sweating, cold sweat dripping down her back. Every drop felt like a sharp blade slitting through her skin.
Her heart wasn't cooperating, beating as if it was going to burst and escape from its envelope.
The blood through her veins felt like lava then like ice.
Her breathing was getting uneven and it was hard to fill her lungs with air as if they were getting drowned in water.
Her eyes watering more and blurring her vision of the now, dark room, that kept getting even darker and more blurred .
Her throat was burning as if she just ingested fire.
Her muscles felt as if they might rip from pressure.
She felt panic rising, a sense of unknown danger.
A feeling of sudden ... death.
This is going bad- really bad. It always started like this.
She was burning then freezing. She was suffocating. she felt like she was dying.
No.
It was a panic attack. Another panic attack.
No matter how often she got them, it's a sensation no one could get used to or cope with. It was as awful every time.
Her brain was her worst enemy in such moments. Her thought process gets more self-destructive and never failed in making things worse.
Paranoia, the inner voice inside of her awakened;
You killed your parents.
Everyone hates you.
Everyone will judge you.
You're an embarrassment.
It's your fault.
You're a burden.
Why call a stranger? You think anyone would care ? Of course not !
No one will help you.
You are alone.
It should have been you who died that night.
You will always be alone.
You murderer.
You are going to die... JUST DIE !
the inner voice inside of her kept getting louder, stronger, more overwhelming. She started to lose track of reality she was losing track of life while surrounded by endless void.
Although Daniel could hear her heavy breathing as if she was suffocating and her cries that sounded more of suffering than those of sadness, as if she was fighting them back, trying to hold them in, he had no idea of what she was going through. He was clueless of what torture she was enduring. He just knew that he couldn't leave her, or at least not in those circumstances.
"Anya, I'm here." He said with a reassuring voice.
She took a sudden inhale of air.
"You are not alone." He added. Not knowing if it was even helping or if she was even hearing him, he kept telling her that it's going to be ok and tried to be as reassuring as he could.
She felt as if a hand was reaching to her in all that darkness. A hand that resurfaced from bright light and warmth.
"Everything will be ok, Anya. It was never your fault". Daniel continued.
As she heard her name, her eyes opened wide. Even with open eyes, she could still see the hand reaching to her even brighter as if it was fighting the darkness surrounding her.
"Your parents are proud of you now." Daniel said with such a tone that one would think he was sure about what he was saying.
At that moment, she felt warmth. As if those gentle hands had embraced her and were pulling her along to a better place, a safer place.
"Your parents loved you and they would never blame you for what happened".
At that point, Daniel didn't know why he was still going on. He wasn't even sure if she could hear him or if she was paying attention to him at all. He didn't know if he was even helping her at all but the sound of her breathing calming down made him go on.
And so he went on. Kept talking calmly, clearly and gently.
Giving her time to register what he was saying, he paused every now and then. It was also a way to give her the opportunity to reply if she wanted to.
Anya's breathing slowly calmed down. Her cries reducing and her tears drying. Her heart slowly but surely going back to its normal rate. Her surroundings getting clearer and clearer.
She was going back to normal.
As she regained consciousness and had a better understanding of the situation, she looked at the phone laying on the bed with the screen showing a 32 minutes ongoing phone call on speaker this whole time. At this moment she realised in a loud gasp that it was Daniel who's been there bringing her to reality.
It was the first time someone, other than Lilly and Liam, would calm her during her panic attacks. Not even her aunt cared. She was one of the people who blamed her for her parents' death in the first place.
Still in disbelief, Anya reached for the phone. She put it next to her ear but all she could hear was slow breathing.
She built up the courage she could still find in her, swallowed hard then asked " a-are you there ? " with a shaky voice.
-to be continued
PERTIMBANGAN PENCIPTA 
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