Bab 38: Chapter 46....Broken
Zen POV
I cannot watch the television it is filled with their news.I can't read the newspaper or magazine. I can't go out because there is media. I can't go to meet her because she doesn't want to see me and I can't hurt her like I did last time. In the past few days I didn't go to hospital nor contacted anyone. I just drank and sat alone for hours realising that leaving Bella is the best choice because she was true indeed I was not the Zenny I was earlier... But the second I think about leaving her I know that I can't live without her.
I need to hut in the mountain for solitude, to escape everything and everyone. I have anticipated it with such relish. But now I was here even the fire seemed cold and I longed for some company of her. Being alone became an anguish rather than a salve and i soon packed up, heading for the buzz of the metropolis in my mind.
The darkness swirled around me curled form on my bed, tendrils of inkling bleak reminders of my solitude as I thought more and more about it. The silence echoing in my ears was the constant white noise that never shut up.
My head swam in the fire burning inside, the only smouldering embers of a time where there had been other presences with her, around her, in her. But now, the void had been slowly filled with a cold, howling storm of fear that refused to ever let up.
I was completely and utterly alone in my mind, body, soul, and most of all, entirely alone in the world.I finally stood up and went towards the mirror and ordered myself
..
"You can't stay close to her because you know you will hurt her.You can't hurt her yet you can't stop loving her. The only option left is to leave...."
..
Maybe I should go away from her life so that she can live a perfect life like she wanted.Marry a man who she loves but it is not me and have kids like she wanted without me. Have a perfect life,I will be happy.
Of course I will be happy much more with the fact me living her dreams with her but I can't she has fallen in love with him.The only option I am left with is to stand far away and watch her have a happy life and pray for her while I kept imagining the same thing over again, a paradise being taken apart at its will. The organization of an entire kingdom being ripped apart piece by piece.
What is this place i ask myself ? This place, it's my mind. It's my entire conscience being torn out of place, and being tortured until it bleeds out and gives up. Only here, I can't give up and I'm not sure if I'm alive or dead, and I feel like I've been here for years. It's probably been a few weeks since I've seen any natural light and I'm starting to actually want to go outside. Let's just say that's something that doesn't happen often. I can't imagine what would happen if someone were to shine a light in my eyes.
Maybe it would be the only push I need. But this is purgatory. There is nothing here except me- the victim. And my brain- the murderer. The torturer. The sinner. Death. That's all this is. That's all I need. I feel like there is a hole in my chest holding me back from achieving my true goal- to not be alone.
I looked through the letters and found the letter that I needed it was the acceptance letter that I sensed and was accepted. It was still open for me.Maybe studying would make me take my mind of her.
There is such sadness in leaving a place of strong love, a place where fond memories grew as fast as the clover in the grass. I know I will savour each memory so strongly that it will almost live once more. I know that the strands of love will keep us together even when we are far apart. I only have to reach out with my mind and there you are, waiting to shower me with the love you always did. But right now it is my time to depart, to do what I was born to do, to make the changes and the sacrifices that are necessary.
Don't think that me leaving means I love you less, know that it means I love you more. If I don't leave Bella I will never forget you and will loose control and hurt you again and I don't want to...
I immediately called my parents and my mom picked up.Seems like they were waiting for my call. I love them so much that is why I am doing this again.I realized that I choose my parents over her "Am I regretting it?"
Is the question...
(Mom.....Zen)
Hello... Zen Sweetie is this you?! How are you? Why haven't you called me?
Mom... I am fine...
Your voice dose not seem fine and what about your work I have been getting report you are not going to work frequently...
Actually I am not that fine I have a good news...
Good News?!... Oh honey are you finally accepting Sophia and marry her?
No that is not the news.. I am coming home for dinner tonight I have something important to talk to you and dad. Bye... I love you...
Okh... I hope it's something good.. I will cook the food myself then after all you are coming after such a long time!... Bye.. I love you sweetie!
I hanged up immediately and took a shower.... Maybe this is the change I needed...
.
I stepped into the shower, toes flinching as they touched the chilled ceramic floor. My mind was in shred.I would never get her picture out of my mind. I turned the dial, old and metallic, releasing thousands of lukewarm drops, darkening my hair and trickled down my back. My eyes fell closed over and over, each time showing me the moments I had with her like photographs.
The water pours down, it drips by my side, as my mind fades into dullness and everything is a foggy illusion. The sensation of the steamy water calms me,it takes my mind of things. All the things I honestly don't care about. It's the water. My mind swirls, and it's like I'm standing under an everlasting waterfall. Ever so beautiful, but it can never last, I know that now.
I turned my head remembering the old times when I had no tension and Bella was only mine. Oh, how I wish I could return to those meadows, among the trees which had been planted time long past and I yearn for the extra hours of June solstice, where we frolicked about the vast plains of the open country, and then hurtled back from wherever we came before the moon shed its light on us, and spawned "dastardly creatures", as mother put it, and to awaken tomorrow so we could begin again. That was a youth of mine I shall never forget, as well as the times I shared with the only one I truly loved.. My Bella.
After the long shower I got ready and drove towards my parents house. We are a rich family of course all thanks to our Royal ancestors. My father is a proud man. He is strict, disciplined and of high principal. He is short tempered and did some wrong in his life but he is not a bad man. He had just been washed with bad experience and born more short-tempered than most.
He weares his pride like a parapet. I dont know whether it was to shield him or not let anyone in. His judicious intellect, precise eye and impetuous anger led to a profoundly tarnished reputation amongst his distant relatives. He was and is bold. He has the resounding presence of a fiery phoenix but the quiet yet strong aura of a Boilam Brikkho he don't have to talk to be the loudest person in a room.
In fact he is much like a Boilam Brikkho tree with great boughs striving to touch the sky and its noble roots strengthening its hold on the ground,he is a very ambitious man with firm roots to his past and great ties to his land.
My mother is one for surprises, each day a multitude of tiny things... how they made me smile from toe to lips. Which hand was my cookie in? Which way would we walk to school? Would be splashing in puddles or leaping over? Would we dance our special if we saw a cat? It was so fun, all those everyday adventures...
I can still feel her excitement at seeing a simple flower or the way the light played upon the path. In a life so ordinary it was her that was extraordinary, not because she was given so much, yet because she made it that way. As the baker turns flour and water to bread, as God turns seed and water to flower, mother turned the mundane into fascination and love she was and is my heaven, my life.
And it is because of them only I gave up my Bella the most precious thing in my life and now I am going to take this desicion. I walk out of the car and take a deep breath and slowly walk inside as the maids open the door bowing towards me.
.....
My mom immediately rushed towards me with smile on her face and pulled me into a tight hug "Honey... You came! Ohh look you have become so thin now!.You must eat well.. Now go to the study dad is waiting to play chess with you.I am bringing the soup! ".
She said while patting my back and pushing me towards the study. I smiled,she looked the best to me always the same women who took care of me everytime and become the best mother.My dad was seating all concentrated and he immediately felt my presence and spotted me giving me a warm smile " Zen you are here! Come how about a chess match? ".I nodded.
******After a few matche's******
Mom bought soup and we all were seating next to each other. "So honey! What was that you wanted to talk to us about? " My mom broke the ice by starting a conversation.I sighed and my father while taking a sip of the warm soup continued "It better be something good.... "
"Dad Mom thank you for taking care of me all these years but I want to study more thus I applied for completing my further studies please allow me to do so... "I said after sighing a little still having doubts whether this desicion is correct.
" What?! Honey but you just came after studying for so many years.".My mom questioned immediately.
While I know my dad knew my condition he was just staring at my face and reading all the details. I continued "If you let me go study I promise that I will marry Sophia after I return" I knew that this was the only condition that they would accept. I would rather die than marrying Sophia but at the moment I needed to just give them assurance Sophia can be handled later.
My mom in a less worried voice began "Bu-But? ".My dad immediately continued " Ok son if I give you the permission you must marry Sophia.I know that you must have thought about this properly before making the descion..... ".
My dad understood me the most and I was glad that he did this time and my mom simply sighed but I knew she would agree for the sake of my happiness.
We had a long delicious dinner though which my dad and mom questioned me a lot about where the thought came from or am I really sure. After the dinner I hugged my mom and dad and walked towards my car driving off back home.
When I finally reached home I just sat down for a while leaving a huge sigh and emotions swirled with the ice water circling the cold metal drain as streaks of fire burned my cheeks. Each new wave a hot trail of agony as slim, bare shoulders shook in each rake of emotion through my frame.
Fire of shame and anger burned just under my skin and a deep emptiness filled in my heart as the sentiments brewed over and boiled past the seams that I could no longer hold together.
..Somewhere inside I still believed that this is just a nightmare and I will wake up immediately after sometime having Bella sleeping by my side.If that happens I will immediately marry her so that no one could steal her from me. That I will be the man to hold her hands and kiss her not anyone else.
Breathing hitched as my knees grew weak and i slumped to the cold tiles on the floor. In my mind there was no hope for a man who cried to his death in the showers, drowning himself in his own tears of hell... The love I needed was no more and out of my reach now.
Third Person POV
In Zen's sobbing was the sound of a heart breaking. Hearts don't snap like brittle caramel or burst like an overfilled balloon. A heart breaks in the heaving waves of a new disturbing reality that has arrived uninvited. It is the one in which their child no longer lives, or their partner is terminally sick. It is entering a life they can't bear and so they break. They aren't the same again, there's just a part of them that had to die so that the rest of them could carry on their duties to the other people they love.
That's what happens when you love someone, right?
When he cried there was a rawness to it, like the pain was still an open wound. He would clasp onto something for support, anything, a table or the back of a chair, and then his whole body would shake.
The sobs were stifled at first as he attempted to hide his grief, then overcome by the wave of his emotions he would break down entirely, all his defences washed away in those salty tears. When he at last turned his face to himself, he was a picture of grief, loss, devastation. It was the face of one who had suffered before and didn't know if he could do it again.
It is a Long Night for him.
Bella POV
After Edward left I was bored so I made my way towards the library and began reading a novel.I poured myself into the pages. I scoured the book. I skim read the book. I read until I was almost cross-eyed and the words merged into nonsense. I lived each page in breathless rapture. The characters leapt out at me. The book had a vice-like grip on my mind, it's twisted reality began to distort my own, challenging the once mundane facts of my existence, bringing me into a new turbulent realm where even my sense of self was up for grabs.
After a while I checked my phone that was silently laying beside me to see if there were any new text or call.A phone holds a thousand memories. Not just in the hundreds of pictures that could tell my story, but in my music, in the text messages and the ones I never sent, in my voice memos, in the stories that I wrote to pass the time away secretly waiting to hear from Zen while we were young, in the way my ear presses against the glass just to hear Edward's voice… but most of all, in all the silence of our slightly opened lips desperately begging it to just say how we really feel for each other.
For me phone remembers the silence it had to endure between people.Suddenly the phone started to ring which bought me back from the thoughts it was Zen. I took a deep breath before actually picking it up. I thought once that I should hang up but I can't.
I greeted him first "Hi Zen.. ".I was trying my best to reply in the most normal tone without stammering.
"Hi Bella... I am really sorry about that day..lI just really lost my control that day.."
His voice was deep, whenever he spoke, every head in the room would turn. He had that rich, silky tone. He speaks as if he controls the world, his experience seeping through. He would remind you of a stormy day. A nice one whereas Edward's voice. ..his voice is like the magma chamber of a volcano, deep, but filled entirely with the molten rock. His voice could be powerful enough to make your bones feel like they were vibrating. When he spoke, everyone would turn, whether they knew him or not. His voice was just so deep, so full.His voice was like nothing I've ever heard before. It sounded like a drum, but deeper, like a tuba, but deeper. It was smooth, like butter, but it could be as rocky as rocky road ice cream. His tone was as deep as the sun at midnight.
I smiled at the way he apologized to me I knew that he was still that Zenny that I love very much as my best friend who understands me the best I replied happily in a cheerful tone.. "Oh! It's ok Zenny... I can understand".
Zen POV
After hearing her saying Zenny makes my heart lighter. I figured out last night after crying that Bella is my only love but I can't go away from her without informing her that would be like running away from her which is not acceptable. So I decided to call her and meet her and talk to her one last time and then go away from her life.
"Since you have forgiven me can I meet you today all alone? ".I questioned her not sure that she will accept to my surprise she replied "Ok.. But you have to come here since I can't leave ".
I agreed and hanged up.
Bella POV
I decided to dress up so I went into the closet and i shrouded my body in one of the sacklike print dresses, also pink, with baby-blue flowers, . I would have preferred the big red roses or the orange dahlias: this dress made me look like an expanse of wallpaper. But I wanted something inconspicuous. I left my hair in the messy bun as before and of course the beautiful necklace by Edward was there which completed the outfit perfectly. I suddenly got a call from Edward and I cheered up and immediately picked it up:
(Edward.. Bella)
Love...what are you doing? I miss you I will make sure to come early today...
Edward!!! I am miss you so much.
I miss you too love.
Ummm... I have something to tell you Edward...
Tell me I am listening..
Zen called me earlier he apologized and said he wanted to meet me. So I agreed and invited him over.. Is that ok?
What? Are you sure you want to meet him? What if he hurts you..
You know how much I trust him.. We were best friends after all and still are...
Okay I trust you then but please be careful honey..
Ok... I will be waiting for you.. Bye I love you!!!
Sure bye my love...
Zen POV
I quickly got dressed and grabbed a breakfast bar and walked towards the car making sure I had everything with me. After a long drive at least for me I got to the Villa and the doors welcomed me as I entered. One of the maid bowed towards me "Mr Zen would you like something? Miss Bella is in the library let me call her... Please wait here. "
She said while pointing towards the huge couch.I took a seat after thanking the maid. About a minute later I heard footsteps running towards me it was my princess In just a pink dresses with her hair in a messy bun she looked more cuter than ever. "Zenny you are here! " She exclaimed as I smiled and we hugged each other and then took a seat. She smiled towards me "Ok Zenny... First what would you like to eat or drink you know this chief makes amazing spicy mango drink your favorite! Let's drink I already had 3 from morning...! ".I patted her head " Stupid! Your stomach will hurt! ".
She pouted a bit " I am off duty now come on! ".I smiled back and she immediately shouted out for the chief " Yes Mrs Han".The chief addressed her as Mrs are they already married my heart aches at this thought.I know that I have to learn to stay away from her but its becoming more and more impossible since she is near me.
"2 spicy mango drink! ".She odered and the chief bowed and went away.
I immediately looked at her and smirked " When did you get married?"...
She smiled and slightly blushed.She continued "Actually.. It's Edward he is soo jealous you know that is why he call me Mrs and says that we have registered our marriage already... ".I smiled to make her feel less uneasy then she continued and questioned me " What did you wanted to talk about? ".
I took a deep breath and looked at Bella and she also became serious as she understood my expression..
(Bella.. Zen)
See don't freak out ok?
If it's something that I need to freak out for I will! You know that...
I have decided that I want to do further studies and that is why I have decided to go abroad for a few more years ......
Omg!!! What are you even speaking about?? All of a sudden did you hit your head somewhere Zenny???show me!!! Come on!
Don't freak out like that Bella!!
What about your parents?
I told that if they let me go I will marry Sophia..
You are seriously going to marry her ??Are you sure??
Of course not you know that she is a gold digger... I can't ruin my life like that..
I am really sorry Zenny if it were not for me you would have never....
Wh-what?
If I had never had any romantic connection with you... You would have had no problems today... If you will go away who will be my best friend? If I did any mistakes who will help me?
No Bella...No... Don't take the blame on yourself please...
Bu-But.. Zenny...
I just can't take all of this anymore maybe I can find my better half there...
When are you leaving?
Tomorrow...
What?!!! You are kidding me right! How... That means you are not going to be my best friend anymore....
I will always be your best friend Bella even if you marry Edward I will be always here for you... Tell me if he misbehaves with you after marriage I will beat him up... Tell me if he hurts you I will show him the way to hell.. Even after you are old with no teeth I will be here for you with two wooden sticks one for you and one forvme.. Even if you leave him I am here...
I kneeled down as I saw that she was crying a little.She was taking the blame on herself this is what I was scared of but after saying those lines she smiled and laughed a little.
She suddenly pulled me into a tight hug it took me a moment to realize it but when I did.I smiled and patted her back.
Bella POV
I was really broken and sad for sure but the other side of me was happy for my Zenny he am was finally trying to move on and find someone better than me for him. Someone who he truly deserves. I will always love him but as a friend... As someone whom I can blind trust any time.
I hugged him immediately and he patted my back the girl who was arguing with him and asking him questions was sad one but the one who hugged him is the happy side that wants him to be happy forever and that girl is his Bella.
PERTIMBANGAN PENCIPTA 
OnTop37
OnTop37 To my dearest Readers,
A quick question are you all Team Edward or Team Zen? ?
Well I don't know myself let me know what do you guys think. Who will make Bella more happy?
It's amazing to see the increasing views on My Half Is Unknown.Thank you so much for that and please write your respective review's and I will reply to you guys for sure!
Love you All! ❤